Ghost's of my Life's Past (Part 1)

AN: Hi! Thanks for reading and please review!! If you can help me find a better name for this story I would be so thankful! This might MIGHT become a romance story, if I get enough critique and help it can turn into more. I have a lot more of this story on my computer but I'm putting each point of view in a different topic. I gave the half-completed story to my Englishteacher as a project and she gave me an A+ and told me I'm going to end up winning a Pultzier(sp?). That's just her opinion though...thanks for reading!




Amanda Delman Point of View

"You! I want a black coffee, three sugars on my desk in sixty seconds! You! Have the winter evening dresses on my desk pronto! You! Schedule an appointment for me and Rebecca Taylor for tomorrow at 11:30!", I point at three random people, who drop everything ( one idiot dropped her coffee) and sprinted out the door.

"Clean that up!", I order to another nameless intern.

I speed-walked to my office, my hair flying. I never ran, it was unprofessional and un-ladylike. I went to my office and looked over my schedule for the next day. After a minute or two, I began to get frustrated with the the intern who was supposed to bring my coffee.

"MARY!!!", I shout into the PDA system.

My secratary ran into the room five minutes later, hands filled with files and a steaming cup of coffee.

"Yes, Ms. Delman?", she says, placing the cup on my desk.

"Where are the new cashmere silk dresses?", I ask, sweetly.

"What?", Mary replies.

" You know, the black turtleneck ones that I worked on for three months!! I have a truck waiting outside for the orders!", I yell.

"Umm..I don't know what your talking about.", Mary says, pushing the cup of coffee towards me. She put a dash of whipped cream on top, clearly trying to kiss-up. In my moment of rage, I decide to torment her a little.

"Your not always this stupid...I see you must be making a special effort today! Starting with those clothes, wow, no ones worn moon boots since I was six and I refused to wear mine even then. My God! What is with that belt. We're not cow-girls on a ranch in Arizona, ok. Seven jeans are fine, but take off that over sized handkerchief covering your neck. You are the junior vice president of a fashion company yet the homeless woman who sleeps in the subway by Broadway has more style than you.", I rant, dissing her from head to toe, leaving Mary’s mouth hanging open, speechless for a couple of seconds. She recovers quickly.

"Oh! I remember now, Mrs. Ross called this morning from the factory in London. She said that since you ordered 200 dresses, she said it would take more time for her to finish them, since you demanded that only she could do the dress work and you made her sign the confidentiality papers, saying that you wouldn't let anyone but her do them, and that none of her employees could see the design.", she finishes and takes a big breath.

"Well, call her back and tell her to hurry up! Also get someone to get the truck off the block since obviously, my dresses won't be coming for another WEEK!!", I yell.

Just then, a teenager of maybe 16 or 17 came in and dropped a folder on my desk.

"The winter evening dresses Ms. Delman.", she says quietly before leaving the room.

"HEY! Come back here!", I yell at the retreating figure.

The girl came back, a look of confusion plastered on her face.

"Yes?", she says, timidly.

"What. Are. You. Wearing?", I ask, venom dripping off every word.

“Um, well I thought since this shirt is blue, it would match nicely with-”, The intern starts before I interrupt.

"Mary, get these rags off her and dress her in something from the closet. Take something from the closet as well, huh, you need it.", I say to the brunette who had been trying to sneak out of the room.

"Well, what do you want me to dress her in? Cashmere or cotton?", she say using our secret code words for expensive or cheap.

"Cotton of course. What do you expect she’s an intern. Oh and schedule an appointment for me with Lucy.", I say looking at my bare nails in disdain, hoping Lucy (my stylist) will be able to fix them.

Mary and the teen go, leaving me alone in my office. My stomach growled unpleasantly. I didn't want to eat in the office so, I grab a green trench and walk over to my mirror, going over my outfit. I stare at the reflection. A lividly angry face stared back at me. She had smokey-grey eyes just like me, plain brown hair just like me...she looked just like me yet I didn't recognize the angry face.
Ignoring the scary face, I looked at what I was wearing. Black Tracy Reese legging's matched with a Prada dark green mini dress. It went well with the satin trench coat I had just grabbed and black Jimmy Choo ballet slippers. It also brought out my eyes, which was good, considering its my only feature. I went into my bathroom and put on some lip gloss and blush. Considering myself looking decent, I went out into my office grabbed my Gucci 'Hysteria' tote bag, a gift from some co-worker who's name I can't quite remember. I put a couple of folders in my bag then strode out into the main lobby.


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If you want to read my other work just search "Monster" or "A simple Black Dress"..any reviewing will be appreciated even if you tell me I'm a terrible writer and should crawl into a hole.

Hey! This was pretty good, just a few things you could work on.
I WOULD SAY NIX THE ALL CAPS. They're a little distracting and if you say "You!" or even "You." We understand that the word is a snappy command.

jasminebells wrote:who drop whatever they were doing and ran to do what I told them to

that's a little wordy. You can just say "Who drop everything and sprint out the door."
We know they're either going to a) do what you told them to or b) throw themselves in front of a bus. You have a lot of a-little-too-wordy sentences that aren't bad or grammatically incorrect; but it makes a smoother read if you reword them.

jasminebells wrote:YOU! Get the winter evening dresses sketch and put it on my desk!

Consider:
"You. I want the evening dresses sketch on my desk within sixty seconds."

jasminebells wrote:I sat in my office chair and looked at my schedule on my Blackberry.

Another little thing. In first person, watch out for my's. This sentence has three.
You could say "...looked at my schedule for the day" and nix my blackberry.

jasminebells wrote:My secratary/personal assistant ran into the room 5 minutes later, hands filled with files and a steaming cup of coffee.

What she calls her secretary/ personal assistant is a reflection of her character. If she puts both, it seems weak and indecisive. And she seems like the kind of person who would shy away from a personal assistant; because it assumes that the person is familiar with you and assists you. Just call her a secretary.
And spell out numbers please.

Sorry accidentally pressed submit too early...
anyways..

jasminebells wrote:" You know, the blue patterned ones that I worked on for 3 months!! I have a truck waiting outside for the orders!", I yell.

Again, three months.

Are they both cashmere and silk dresses? Or silk-cashmere dresses? It's just a nitpick of mine; I thought a silk-and-cashmere dress would be rare but I just googled it and apparently, its not. But on google images, the prettier and more expensive-looking ones are silk-cashmere.
But whatever.

jasminebells wrote: went into my bathroom and put on some lip gloss and blush. Considering myself looking decent, I went out into my office grabbed my Gucci 'Hysteria' tote bag, a gift from Vera Wang

Lol, another random nitpick. You must think I'm a demon by now
But why would Vera Wang give this woman a Gucci purse and not a vera wang handbag?
Unless it was a re-gift, in which case I would think your main character wouldn't accept it.
But I digress,
It was a really great story, which is why I'm nitpicking all of the silly little things. I think you have gollywhops of potential.

Hey there! I'm here to critique your story! I don't have much to say that hasn't already been said, but I'll still go through it for you.

First, I'd like to point out the very first paragraph. I've read a writing tip once that suggests that we should read over our dialogue with some friends to make sure it's believable. This is an extremely valid tip, and I think that your first paragraph of dialogue especially could use a bit of work. I'm not saying that you should scrap it though. But as empress pointed out, all the 'You this' and 'You thats' can be a bit awkward and distracting. Just read it out and try to fix it so it flows better, but still keeps the amazing character development that's going on with the dialogue. Which takes me to my next topic.

For most of your character development, you are using dialogue. To make this even better, you should make it a bit more balanced between dialogue and description. Most of the time we're just being told what she's doing. But why is she doing this? What made her so mean and rude? Why is she so bossy? Remember, show don't tell!

We don't really get much from this as to why we should care about your character. What's the conflict/plot to the story? The main element to all stories is conflict, and without it all this will be is a piece of writing about some lady who works at a fashion magazine and bosses around all her co-workers.

However, I really like the whole idea of the story. It all reminds me of The Devil Wears Prada. But without conflict and better character development, it won't reach it's full potential.

I hope to read more, so I'll keep a look out for an edited version/more parts to the story. Good luck and I hope to see you around the site sometime! Bye bye!

~ Trish

Hey Pudin here to review!
First of all , a general look at it. The story was pretty good, I somehow liked your style, it wasn't boring and your first person P.O.V was ok, except for some of the dialogues.

Now nitpicks

"You! I want a black coffee, three sugars on my desk in sixty seconds! You! Have the winter evening dresses on my desk pronto! You! Schedule an appointment for me and Rebecca Taylor for tomorrow at 11:30!", I point at three random people, who drop everything ( one idiot dropped her coffee) and sprinted out the door.

I kinda understand what you wanted to do here because I once tried to do it, but this kind of dialogues tend to be confusing and at least for me, it doesn't sound too real. Yeah, there's people who is that bossy and demanding but, have you ever seen The Devil Wears Prada? Well Merryl Streep's dialogue was way more believable and mean.
NO I think that if you want to clear out something, I would suggest using dashes instead of parenthesis.
Something else, I have no idea where she is. I deduce she's in her office because of what is said later but nothing else. More description would serve this story very well.

I speed-walked to my office, my hair flying. I never ran, it was unprofessional and un-ladylike. I went to my office and looked over my schedule for the next day. After a minute or two, I began to get frustrated with the the intern who was supposed to bring my coffee.

I noticed this in the whole story, the best characterization you have is in the last paragraphs but before we get her attitude because of all the exclamation marks you put when she speaks. Some description about her thoughts, her movements would do good to this.

"Where are the new cashmere silk dresses?", I ask, sweetly.

You don't need the comma before sweetly.

"What?", Mary replies.

Yeah she replied but what did she look like? Did she have a concerned expression? A surprised expression?
Something else, your tenses changed, it's a very subtle change that you wouldn't notice if you don't read the story more than once.
another thing, can someone shout so much to someone. At least for me you are pushing her meanness too much. You're making her yell and think that she's mean because she yells. There are more subtle and more effective ways of showing she is mean. Again, remember the Devil Wears Prada? Well, Miranda didn't yell but she was mean, she had this secretive way of being mean. This story reminds me a lot to The Devil Wears Prada.

"Your not always this stupid.

Did you mean You're.

Starting with those clothes, wow, no ones worn moon boots since I was six and I refused to wear mine even then

First: YOu should place a period between clothes and wow. Then, capitalize wow and place exclamation. You see? when you need exclamation you don't put it.
Second: Capitalize no and place exclamation at the end of the sentence because this soes need exclamation.

What is with that belt

Quotation mark at the end.

You are the junior vice president of a fashion company yet the homeless woman who sleeps in the subway by Broadway has more style than you.

Place an and before yet.

I rant, dissing her from head to toe, leaving Mary’s mouth hanging open, speechless for a couple of seconds. She recovers quickly.

Rant? this does not work quite well. You just ranted, oh, great! NO, the sentence or rant before was good, even great but describing the piece above as I rant is not good. YOu could put I said, looking at her with disgust, grimacing as my voice sounded as harsh as I expected.
Then the she recovers quickly, sounds to telly, you could put that she stared at you in astonishment for a while and then lowered her head, blinking her eyes; something like that, something that would make us see how she recovered quickly.

She said that since you ordered 200 dresses, she said it would take more time for her to finish them, since you demanded that only she could do the dress work and you made her sign the confidentiality papers, saying that you wouldn't let anyone but her do them, and that none of her employees could see the design.

Woohoo, huge sentence! try breaking it down at first it makes sense. But if you read it again, whoa, too long. This kind of sentences tend to lose the interest of the reader because they get a bit boring. Also you place too many since's and too many she's.

WEEK

No capitals, even when you're trying to emphasize that she yelled. Something else, you could put that she said it in a bitter tone or a demanding tone instead of placing that many exclamation marks in the sentences.

"HEY! Come back here!", I yell at the retreating figure.

The girl came back, a look of confusion plastered on her face.

I once heard that in writing, actions have motives. And in this two sentences I find none. She called the girl but why did she call her, what did she see in the girl that made her curious or disgusted.

she say using our secret code

Say should be says

What do you expect

Question mark at the end.

Mary and the teen go, leaving me alone in my office. My stomach growled unpleasantly. I didn't want to eat in the office so,

Obvious tense changing here!

Character.
To be honest, your character doesn't seem to have that much personality because judging someone in that manner just because of her clothes, doesn't seem right. Adn even if she did she could have done it in a meaner more objective way. As I told you before, she doesn't have to yell to be mean, she could say something pretty harsh in the sweetest of manners.
Also, how does she look like, because you didn't even mention the color of her eyes.

Setting
Well, I have no idea how everything around her looks like. NOt the ofice, not the background, not even the other character if it wasn't for her rant on Mary's clothes.

Overall
Well, it was ok, it needs lots of work but it has potential. also, try asking yourself what is so unique about this? What can make this story better and different? because no intention to offense, but there's another one like this one already. But the story is good I suggest you read it again anf edit. But I liked it, it was pretty good.
Sorry If I was mean or harsh, i never meant to be so, I'm just trying to help.

Firstly, I like how you describe the main protangonist through the use of the clothing style and the dialogue in which it revealed a type of person she is. But…for the rest of the characters, it seemed that they are all the same.

For example, both the dialogue of the vice president and the teen were a bit similar. The only diferrence is the style of the clothing but even that can be forgetful. It would be better if you provide a look to what kind of character they are by using dialogue. Say for example that the teenager is a bit scared when talking to the protangonist and that she responded more fearfully when your main character rebuke her rather than the other woman who is somewhat use to this.

As well, though you were able to describe the character their personality through clothing, it seems not enough. Try describing what they look like, how tall are they, whether they have make up or something, how they walk to her office and some body language when speaking.

By doing so, you made the reader take a glimpse on what kind of person, this character is.

Hi! I am Lily and I really love your story! please write more! And message me when you do! I cant wait!

I only found one mistake;

Mary and the teen go,

It sounds very weird, even though I get what you are saying. I should be " Mary and the teen left," or " I let Mary and the teen go,"

I don't like being mean, so don't take it the wrong way. I really love your story

Hey Jasmine!

This definitely is one of your better works, so far I like the main character, she's got spirit, and drive, which I really like. What you need to work on is giving even the smaller characters their own personalities, like people before me said the other two characters had the same sort of feel. I'd like to see you add more onto Mary, she seems like she could be a very interesting character.

Wow. You are writing in a very difficult person and you have atchieved it really well! But who is the face in the mirror? Are you going to continue with this story? All in all, a very good story!

Okay. This was FANTASTIC!!! Ignore what everybody else says about it, it is like, WOW.

I am doing a story about super rich well dressed girls, and this is like perfect compared to my crap.

I love how the person orders everyone around, telling them what to do, and how to dress, act, etc.

Your grammar was good, and so was your spelling.

This story has good potential, seems like a great plot, and is definitely something I want to continue reading so...

Keep writing!

You might want to say where they are... i suggest Cali or NY... my story takes place in Cali, and where everything is going on sets the tone even better.

So keep writing, please PM me when you add chapter 2 (if there is one)

and tata for now!

CassidyRose... your also well dressed superviser!