Way Down in the Hole - Prologue

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Not actually sure whether this will be pertinent to the main story. Still exploring the concept.

Way Down in the Hole

They stared down into the hole.
It was huge, a gaping wound in the earth. Overgrown weeds crept in around the edges, snaked in about their feet. A deep, mouldy smell of rot smothered them.
‘There’s nothin’ down there, this is stupid,’ Jim said.
Ronny peered in cautiously. ‘I don’t know…Mrs. Hartyson told me to stay away from here, said somethin’ bad was down here – now why else would she say that?’ His green-blue eyes were lit with mischief in the dying light.
Jim rolled his eyes. ‘Cos she didn’t want you to fall in, stupid.’ He glanced around quickly, the giant trees of the forest loomed only metres away, grim spectres of disapproval with long shadows. He didn’t want to say anything but the place gave him the creeps.
Ronny snorted in disbelief. ‘I never thought you was yellow, Jimmy. ‘Sides, could be there’s treasure down there.’
Ronny leaned in, hands grasped firmly around the edges. Clumps of loose mud shifted free, raining down into the darkness. He took a great big lungful of air. ‘Hallo-o-o!’ he yelled.
Hallo-o-o
Hallo-o-o
o-o-o
Ronny sighed. There was nothing to it after all. Why did everything have to be so goddamn boring in this town? He shivered, his breath ghosting white from his lips. Shit, when had it got so dark? And so cold? He looked to his right, ‘Hey, Jim –‘
He stopped.
The gloom pressed in around him and he had to squint to try and make anything out. Something was very wrong. Frost rimmed the grass, sparkling in the night as the cold pressed itself against his skin like a long dead lover. A vague outline of a boy sat nearby, but it wasn’t Jimmy, he knew instinctively. The boy’s head was down; he was so still and so dark, as though he were made from the purest black.
Ronny’s breath misted in the air, steady puffs in and out, slowly accelerating.
Neither of them moved.
He wanted to say something, to stutter out a plea – ‘J-J-Jimmy, quit playin’. This ain’t no fun anymore’ – but the mere thought of uttering a word in this complete darkness, of making a sound and bringing that dark boy’s attention on him freaked him out.
Ronny’s heart nearly burst, it pounded so hard.
His limbs were frozen in fear. He couldn’t move, couldn’t so much as make a prayer. Ronny’s bladder was full to bursting, but he just squeezed his legs tighter together. Please don’t look at me, please don’t look at me, oh God, I swear I won’t ever be so foolish again. Desperate sobs clawed at his throat, setting his lips to trembling.
The woods were completely silent, completely still.
The boy was real close, much closer than he’d thought. He seemed more and more clear, growing distinct in Ronny’s periphery. He couldn’t bear to stare straight at him, had to look to the side. He had no features. He was carved from the deepest blackness. He was here and Ronny had no idea what to do. His throat was so damn dry, thigh muscles screaming in agony from the constant squatting. He swallowed.
The boy’s head snapped up.
Darkness arced toward him.
Ronny screamed a high pitch squeal of terror that razored through the night. And he was suddenly weightless, floating free, way down in the hole.
-
Jim kicked at the grass.
Stupid Ronny, calling him a coward like that. He was no yellow-belly that was for sure. Would a yellowbelly be able to sneak away so clean and quick like that? He shivered. The night’s chill had dropped real quick it seemed. Weak stars dotted the sky, squinting, rheumy eyes staring down in suspicion.
The farm was up ahead, its bright warm lights a shining beacon.
A cool breeze picked up, ruffling his hair, trailing fingers across his nape and murmuring sweet lullabies. Goosebumps shrivelled up his arms. He quickened his pace, looking back over his shoulders. A wall of darkness met his gaze and still no sign of Ronny. Jim turned back and froze.
There was a boy up ahead.
Jim could only see a vague outline. ‘Shit, Ronny, that sure was a neat trick, heh, gettin’ round me like that,’ he said. The words squeaked out, not at all as playful and straight as he’d intended. The boy’s arms were braced to the side, head bent forward. He radiated fury.
Jim’s pulse thundered in his neck.
Oh shit.
‘Ronny!’
Screaming, Jim turned and ran back the way he’d come. Legs pumping, mouth shrieking, mind blank as the wind whipped passed him.
Ronnyronnyronnyronny -
A thick root snaked out, tripping him up. No rough ground rushed up to smack him, though. He was falling.

**

Luke loved lazy summer days.
Running through fields, across hills, exploring woods and glades, climbing trees – he lived for the outdoors on golden summer days and sweet cool nights. He wanted to be out there now, not cooped up in this raggedy station wagon, breathing in fumes from the dilapidated air-con.
He watched it all roll by his window.
It was like seeing the world through dirty gauze, so fouled was the glass. He sighed, wiping miserably at it. Some aimless musician crooned on the radio, the airwaves crackling as they were chewed up by the car’s stereo system. Dad’s fingers drummed on the steering wheel, while Jeyne slept beside him. Just watching her brought a yawn to Luke’s lips.
His father looked at him through the rear-view mirror. ‘Nearly there, don’t worry.’ His voice dripped weariness. Luke took another look at his dad, re-assessing. He looked more tired than Luke could ever remember and, for the first time, old. Lines pressed deep into his waxy skin, mapping, exploring planes on his face never seen before in an intricate web.
‘If you need to rest, Dad, I –,’ he began, but was cut off by laughter.
‘Nice try, boy-o. It ain’t happening.’ His laugh was a sorry thing, all dried up and raw, it came hacking out of his throat. It was a mockering of real joy, had been for months.
Luke sighed. He would be thirteen in the fall, he couldn’t see why he shouldn’t be allowed to drive on these empty country roads. Luke allowed his eyes to droop and mind to wander. Yellow fields and clusters of green melded into rivers of colour as he lost focus.
A chill spread over his skin, rippling up his arms. He shivered, nestling closer against the window. That damn draconic air-conditioning sure knew when to rear its ugly head, he thought sleepily. A sharp, splintering crack pierced his ears. Startled, his eyes flew open. The window was a mass of tiny interlacing cracks, white-blue. It was iced through, Luke realised. Staring straight at him through the window was another boy, only inches from his face. He was pure shadow, but for eyes of blue.
Cold shot through his blood. The boy snarled silently, mouth twisted open, smashing a hand through the glass; twinkling shards exploded as darkness reached for him. Luke jerked back violently, crying out.
Tires screeched, and the car lurched to the side of the road. Reality reasserted as Luke blinked, surprised at the sunlight pouring warm and honeyed through the window.
‘Jesus, Luke! What’s a-matter with you?’ His dad turned over the driver’s seat, staring back expectantly.
Luke could still taste the sourness of fear in his mouth. Even Jeyne was staring at him, looking as startled as he felt. ‘Sorry,’ he mumbled finally. ‘’S just a bad dream.’
Dad slumped in relief or exhaustion, or both. He rubbed at his eyes, skin bunching up and rolling beneath his fingers. ‘Right, fucking hell,’ he muttered to himself. He restarted the car, smoothly pulling back on to the road.
A big billboard greeted them:
Welcome to Marrickville.
Jeyne looked at him, enquiringly. ‘What’s up?’ her eyes said.
He shook his head and signalled, ‘Nothing.’
He had a bad feeling, that was all. Luke took a deep breath, reassuring himself. It was just a dream. This move was the best thing for them, he was reminded.
It had to be.
Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

"Indecision and terror, thy name is novel." - Chiko




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This was very good! I found myself deep into the story before I knew it. Nice descriptions, you watched the way they speak - nice. I thought that both of them thinking, God I'm sorry, was a bit mcuh, but other then that, I really liked this! I don't have a lot to critique. The charaacters were believeable; the grammar was great; plotline - loved it; speach was good. I hope to see more of this. Please pm me if you put the next chapter on!
Thanks
Ofir
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Hello, Jigs!

I liked this! A bit better done, better exposed than the last short piece you posted.

In the beginning, you had interest, but you didn't quite have the flow. I'm not sure if that's borne out by the fact that the dialogue is pressing a little bit. For people who are nervous, curious and out alone, they seem to measure out their words, speak precisely. I'd lessen that a bit; add more spoken fear to that, dear.

But it was good, Jigs. The suspense was well played, not overdone in horror, either. I like your easy narration style as well, and good job on the whole. I don't like the 'I'm sorry' at the end. It's a little... bland in my opinion. I'd cut it and just let the story close on that wonderous note you have before that.

Two thumbs up. Thanks for the good read. Keep it up.

June
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Hey Jiggy!

I liked this a lot. The first line was a great hook and I couldn't stop reading. It was a great measure of suspense from the beginning, the middle, and to the end.

I agree with June, that you should get rid of the "I'm sorry" It messes everything up.

Other than that, I really didn't find anything wrong with this piece. I enjoyed reading it and I look forward to reading more.

Keep writing,

~ Angel
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Hey y'all,

Thanks very much for the comments :p. I've temporarily struck the last line, will review it later. Not really sure how or if this will be relevant but I'm trying out a number of things for the central concept. For instance, I have no idea what the dark boy has to do with anything and, far as I can tell, his role was completely spontaneous, haha.

We'll see.

Cheers
Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

"Indecision and terror, thy name is novel." - Chiko




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So,

I initially wasn't sure about the role of the 'dark boy' because his inclusion was completely random. I was thinking of creating many manifestations of the devil in the hole, but for now, I think the boy will have to do. He came up in the next part after all.

Which I've added to this, in order to round off the Prologue.

The story will mostly be about Luke and Jeyne, I think. We'll see.

Cheers
Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

"Indecision and terror, thy name is novel." - Chiko




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Finally got to reviewing it, Jigs! ;D

So I totally see why you won those tickets. It was very well written, and I was hanging on your every word. And I totally thought of "Alice in Wonderland" when I read the title and even after reading about Ronny falling down the hole, haha.

For a while, I wasn't sure about the three PoVs, jumping from one to the next. But now that I think about it, there really isn't a problem with it. The boys may or may not come back later in your story, but they do set up the creepiness with Luke and Jeyne.

There was only one thing I didn't really like, though. The last line. The very last paragraph-ish line.

He had a bad feeling, that was all. Luke took a deep breath, reassuring himself. It was just a dream, after all. This move was the best thing for all of them, he was reminded. It had to be.


If you read it right now, you'll detect the awkward wording (i.e. repetition of "all"). The thing I like about this is when you mention their moving being a good thing. That was perfect. In fact, if you get rid of that clunkiness in the wording, the conclusion here would be just fine!

I feel pathetic for not being able to pick out anything worthwhile. Keep up the great work! (And enjoy your movie!)

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Huh, funny you should mention Alice in Wonderland - it's thematically related, I guess, in a twisted way but I really hadn't made the connection. Meanwhile, I've had a story idea for some time now, that I'd forgotten about until just now, which might have been called 'Down the rabbit hole' but will be retitled 'Warren' if I do get round to writing it, pretty much about a similar thing.

I guess when I heard the song 'Way Down in the Hole' I subconsciously merged it with that...There's some trivia for you :p

Thanks for the review!
Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

"Indecision and terror, thy name is novel." - Chiko




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Jigs, this is splendiferliquorishable.

From beginning to end I was hooked and I loved the way you gave Ronny and Jim such distinct dialogue. And as far as the second half goes, your characters Luke and Jeyne both seem to have a strong brother sister bond without out rightly saying that they are brother and sister. (They are siblings…right?) :?

But this was written so smoothly and everything fell together very well. The only problem I really had was mentioned by Jabz with the last line. Otherwise, I think the whole thing was brilliant and I definitely want to know if there’s going to be more. You will tell me Jigs. You will tell me!!!

Okay, now I seem crazy.

~lilymoore
Never forget who you are, for surely the world will not. Make it your strength. Then it can never be your weakness. Armor yourself in it, and it will never be used to hurt you.




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Hello Jiggity. This was very good, even though it seemed more like a first chapter then a prologue.

I think this could be shortened down even more, considering that you do have a lot of filler (like in the very beginning, where they keep talking and talking about the whole without really contributing much to the story).

I was definitely a fan of the way you deliberately misspelled words, adding a bit of personality to the characters.

PM me when the next part is up.
Last edited by Elinor on Tue Dec 08, 2009 9:29 pm, edited 1 time in total.

All our dreams can come true — if we have the courage to pursue them.

-- Walt Disney




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Hey Jigs, Suzu here. This was a pleasant read because you've fashioned characters with personality and you've managed to put the reader right into their heads, letting us feel everything they feel; this makes for a more enjoyable connection to the MCs. Then there's the intrigue, which becomes rampant with the shadowy boy so that was a great eye-brow raising grabber. In other words, you've held the reader's interest to continue reading. There's definite style in this; a signature in the way this is written, which makes it feel original so that was an extra plus for me. However, I do agree that there could be some places where you can chop, some unnecessary bits of description that slows the pace or doesn't move the conflict along; chopping for tightness is always a good thing. Aside from that, I will be on the lookout for more of this!
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Haha,

Thanks Lilymoore. And ah, Elinor -- this is a prologue, not a first chapter. Says so in the title...Anyway, thanks all for the input!

Cheers
Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

"Indecision and terror, thy name is novel." - Chiko




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Hey, I'm Hero. The very first thing I thought of when reading this was that song, 'Way Down in the Hole', the opening song of the TV series 'The Wire'. Associational reflex, I suppose.

I wasn't too sure of this bit:
Please don’t look at me, please don’t look at me, oh God, I swear I won’t ever be so foolish again.

Note: foolish. This is a bit of a deviation from that accent and speaking style I liked, and it doesn't fit in. I'd change it to something else, like 's***-brained' or, if you like, 'stupid' and its many synonyms. Not foolish; sounds like something a teacher or other adult authority would say.

Otherwise, I'm excited, I'd like to see more, find out more, what happens to Luke, yadda yadda. Keep it up.

Oh wait; you're senior to me. *feels a little bit embarrassed*
This guy is so evil you could put him in between two slices of bread and call him an evil sandwich.

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Hey there, Hero

If you'd read the comments, you'd see I mention this is based off of that song, basically. Also wrote a blog on it, haha. As for the word 'foolish' - it is part of the vernacular, church-goin' language and such. Also, in such moments, kids would tend to revert to the language that parents and adults throw down at them, like 'stop being such a fool!' - sort of like a mental paraphrase...

If that makes any sense :p

Sorry I missed your comment, Suz! I was writing at the same time, I think. Thanks for the review :D
Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

"Indecision and terror, thy name is novel." - Chiko




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Jiggity wrote: And ah, Elinor -- this is a prologue, not a first chapter.
Cheers


*Goes back to read post*

So sorry, I meant to say that it read more like a first chapter then a prologue.

All our dreams can come true — if we have the courage to pursue them.

-- Walt Disney



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