Child's Play Part One

That was nice. Every one else got all the grammars problems.

You're a hell of a better writer than I was when I was your age.

For criticisms, some of the descriptions got too laced with adjectives, and I get this weird feeling that things were moving too fast. Other than that, I was really impressed. Your very first description of Chuck gave me a perfect idea of what he looked like, as did your description of Priyesh.

As for Mimi, did you say how old she was? I'm just assuming she's around your age, in which case her breaking out into such a philosophical spiel in "class" was shocking but not unbelievable. Rather impressive, actually. And of course the twist at the end that lets me know just how serious this is really hit me out of nowhere. I figured the worst Mimi had done was stolen something. This is no Holes, apparently.

Excellent job, I'm impressed. And I'm not lying at all when I say that doesn't happen often here.

O.O

I'm not going to even critique it. I loved it and really hope you do add more to this one. The flow is brilliant and I already love Mimi <3, well done !!

((returns to add more))

Priyesh grinned and said, “So you’re taking the fifth?”

shouldn't it be: pleading the fifth ? I dunno if anyone else picked up on this. Also I've noticed a lot of people dunno what it means.
Simply put it means to stay silent and not say anything - to plead the fifth (or in this case taking the fifth. (incase no one has explained this already)

I still love it !!!! Please, please, please add more. . . and erm, add more ? Please ?

okokok, so I'll stop now and just once again applaud the dialogue and characters. Brilliant. (gold star for you!)

Hey there!

First of all, I liked this story very much! It was really impressive.
Here are a few things you might consider, though.

“Not at Jeremiad’s School for Distinguished Students we don’t.

I don't think this sentence is grammatically correct. It should be something like "At Jeremiad's School for Distinguished Students, we don't" or "Not at Jeremiad's School for Distinguished Students"

Mimi ate a few bites of writhing pasta before replying, “I killed a boy name Jason and nailed his beautiful, cinnamon-tanned, perfectly freckled arms above my bed. I didn’t think he’d need them six feet under my basement.”

Awesome turn in the story. When I was reading, I had considered Milanka's point of view in a hypothetical way, but I would have never expected she would have done this.

Priyesh grinned and said, “So you’re taking the fifth?”


Mimi frowned at her lettuce, which was sliding rapidly down her perfectly level plate. Which meant that either one side of the cafeteria was very slightly tilted, or her salad was running away from her. “Is that what I’m doing? It’s only because you’re giving me the third degree.”


Priyesh chuckled slightly and said. “Hardly. More like the first degree. And what do you have to be defensive about? If you want to hear my story--” But he stopped as another student seated herself at the table.

I didn't get this part about the degrees very well, but maybe you don't want to give it all away so quickly.

Overall, I think this was a great beginning. I'd like to see how it continues; I think it has great potential.

Keep on writing!

-Mell

I'm not sure what can I say to help this out. I like it like this already.

Maybe I'll just say something I 'wouldn't' want to happen in your next parts?
Well, that is, Mimi is cool, with her strong and sure point of view. I wouldn't want her to loose her cool later on, in terms of a kid vs adult, you know what I'm saying? I've seen these kinda stories ends with the 'right' being the winner, and the main character who is the 'wrong' feels all remorse. I wouldn't like that to happen, lol.

Is this kinda review allowed? lol

Okay, wow! Really, just wow! That was fantastic! I was sucked into the story at the very beginning. This was brilliant! I must say, I am liking this Priyesh guy. He gives off a strong "awesome" vibe if you know what I mean. Lol.

And on a more mature note, you're voice is very clear, and the flow is smooth. I really have nothing to critique, as all the little mistakes were covered in earlier posts, and there weren't any big mistakes.

It was definitely creepy, too, which I LOVE. It's so hard to find an actually creepy story instead of the generic "creepy" stuff that only the author thinks is creepy... *coughRoom1408cough*

Anyway, I really loved it! And now I'm starting to think this review could get very repetitive with praise, so I'm off to read the next part! Yay!

Thank you Becki. And in response to Tuna; I know exactly what you mean. It's "us" versus "them," adults suk kidz rule, and all that. If I ever finish this piece, I meant for it to be the kind of novel where no one's a bad guy. The next unfinished, pie-in-the-sky installment was supposed to be getting into the characters of chuck and the therapist-- whose name I've forgotten.
Since I see some new people showing interest, maybe I will post another piece.
*Goes off to work on the NEWLY TITLED hell is where the heart is. thanks becky

Creepy as hell, but I liked it. Your use of langauge only adds to the gigantic tension throughout the piece. Can't wait to read part 3- part 2 is excellent aswell by the way. Keep up the good work.