Untitled chapter three

[b]Okay, so as you know Jessica's best friend died. I am just kind of waiting for some more chapters then I am going to be getting to the point why I am writing this. Well, the real reason is I am trying to find out the killer of Brittnie's death and "the boy" (You'll find out about it farther down) is going to help her. So please rip it apart=] --Jess.[/b]






"Where's Marissia?" I ask them curiously.

"Oh. Um.. Well she. Um.. She told us she didn't want to be friends with us when you know. What happened to you," Hallie said looking at her feet. Tori stood there twirling her hair, biting down on her lip. Mary looks at me and gives me a smile. A fake one. There walking on eggshells around me.

"Enough of this crap. If I didn't want to be in school, I wouldn't have came," I could hear my voice rising. The kids in my school look at me. I can feel the redness creeping onto my face. "I'm sorry you guys. I just hate when you act like that.

Allie puts her hand on my arm and smiles. I smile back,"See much better. Remember where not fake!" I try to put a little euthsastic in my voice. Marissia walks by, my friends lower down there heads. I am not going to let her ruin my day. So I go trooping over to her. She has her back to me. I clear my voice and poke her in the back.

She turns around and her mouth is an O shape. She starts stuttering,"Uh. Hi. Um. What? Wha.. What do you want?" She finally gets all of her words out.

"Marissia, now tell me the truth. Why are you not friends with us any more? Like you walk past and they look down. What happened when I was gone?"

Marissia narrows her eyes and starts shouting,"What happened is I started liking Greg, and your," she puts her hands in quotation marks,"little friends," Marissia puts her hands down and cross them in front of her Abercombie and Fitch sweater," told me that was going against girl code." She breaths heavily. Almost like she's relieved that she got that out. Marissia walks away from me, and that's when I see where she is walking to. She's walking to the rich and popular girls.


The bell rings and my other friends don't have a chance to talk to me.

I climb up the stairs. Jamie comes over, "Oh my! I've missed you so much. We needa talk. Like serious. I'll talk to you later. I already have a tardy. Bye." She runs to her class. I get to my class. I take a deep breath before I walk in. My teacher Mr.Alderson smiles and says welcome back, My seat is all the way in the back. It's next to Alexie and Trent. When I sit in my seat and Mr.Alderson tells the class that they need to get with a partner.


I feel a tap on my shoulder. When I turn around Alexie is standing there with a grin on her face. "Wanna be my partner?" I nodd and we sit together at her desk. We do some project about animals.

Fourth period rolls around and I am exhausted. Every one had been asking me questions. I pass Marissia in the hallway. She whispers slut just so I can hear it. I don't want to deal with her crap so I ignore her. The hallways empty out fast. It seems I am the only one in them. I get to my geography class and sit behind Tori. My teacher Mr.Rossi says the same thing every other teacher has said.

Roll call goes around and Mr.Rossi says he has an announcement he wants to make. "Today we will be watching a video about the world. I want you to watch and write down twenty facts. This counts as a test grade!"

We finish the video and Mr.Russi tells us to hand in our papers up front. When I get there he says for me to stay to the side he needed to talk to me. "Jessica. I noticed that you were absent for quite awhile. Are you willing to make up the work?"

"Yes, you can give me every thing I need to do. And it will be in by next Monday." He nods and waves me off. The bell goes off again. This day seems to go by in a flash.

I am the only one in C lunch. Marissia and I use to sit together but I don't know what her problem is. I sit at the first empty seat I see. There's a crumbs on the table. I flick them off and take my lunch out. It doesn't look very good. I drink a little bit of water. It feels good putting some liquid in my body. I decided I just wanted to sit outside in till its time for fifth period.


Walking out side in the warm Florida sun I see kids staring. The bathroom is the only place I can hide. I run to it. When I get in the bathroom the air conditioning feels better than the sun. I rinse my face in the sink. While wiping my face off with a paper towel, I see my face in the mirror. I look in and I notice my crystal blue eyes looking at me. They seem dull today I thought.


Going out of the bathroom I see a kid standing there. A kid I've never said a word to. "Hey princess. Don't have your puppies following you?" He's mocking me.


Two can play that game, I slap him and then look at my nails and in a whiny voice say "Omigod! I just broke a nail!" He laughs.

'Jessica, right?"

I turn around and walk to the table that is directly in the sun. It's the only one open. When I sit he comes over to me. "I'm sorry for saying that to you. You don't deserve that."

I can't let him see that it hurts. "I accept the apology. I shouldn't have hit you."

"May I sit?" He asks me. I nodd and he sits across from me. He looks at me with the greenest eyes I have ever seen. "Wanna know why I called you princess?" Before I answer he starts talking again,"Well, my little sister has this barbie doll. The barbie is a princess. It has blue eyes like you and that long blond hair that every girl would kill to have, including my sister. And for some reason you remind me just like her." He stares off in space thinking. "I think her name is Cinderella."

"Yeah, I think your right. I had the same doll," he looks at me curiously, "You know, when, when I was little. My dad always called me Cinderella." I wish I could remember his name. "Um.. I don't mean to be rude, but I don't know your name."

He smiles and for some reason my breath shortens. "Well, aren't you going to have to find that out." That's the only thing he says and gets up and goes to his friends who are across the outside cafeteria. I am shocked that he just did that. The bell starts going off and I have to walk to my next class.


And before I know it I am on the bus next to Justin who was texting Sarah. After he was done he smiled and said," I heard you made a new friend."

Hey Jess!!
Well, let me tell you, it was acceptable, it was rather nice. You have the actions down, I mean they're ok, but I feel the whole piece is lacking emotion and description. it also seemed to rush a bit. And I have a question, what was with this girl Marissia? I am asking because you introduce the problem and the girl so fast that I got lost. But I have to congratulate you, your tenses were 110% better than other times.
Now, I think you didn't quite nailed it in the dialogue, it was a bit confusing and not flowing naturally. I recommend you to think about the way you talk to your friends and family, because this is a teenager story.

Now some nitpicks.

Tori stood there twirling her hair, biting down on her lip.

I think you need a comma between there and twirling. And stood, should be stands there. Also a little more description would suddenly do this sentence some good.

"Enough of this crap. If I didn't want to be in school, I wouldn't have came,"

Wouldn't should be shouldn't.
And the rest of the sentence is good but some emotions and body languages, some of her thoughts, would make it a lot more interesting.

Remember where not fake!"

Where should be we're

She's walking to the rich and popular girls.

I think walks is better than walking in this sentence.

Overall.
I like your story, but the lack of description really affects everything. I can see your story in my head, but with no expression sin their faces, no emotions, nothing. And that, at least , for me, is a set back in a story, believe me, I've done that. And this , as much as the plot is interesting, makes the reader stop reading because is so monotonous. The part of the boy , I think, required much more than actions, because at least for me, it is very interesting.
You have to show us what you have on your mind as best as you can so we see it like you see it. Or actually like Jessie sees it, her perception, her thoughts, her beliefs, everything.

Sorry, for not making a long review, but I'm a bit tired and don't worry, I'll check it again and if i see something in which I can help you, I'll PM it to you.

XOXO
Pudin

Hey Jess, Here's my review.

"Enough of this crap. If I didn't want to be in school, I wouldn't have came,"

This should be come (otherwise it sounds like a child speaking).

I could hear my voice rising.

This can just be; I hear my voice rise. (You can also add what her thoughts are at the moment). Or; my voice rises... (maybe in anger, or frustration).

The kids in my school look at me.

This sentence is a bit, difficult. You could alter it to; my peers stare at me.

I can feel the redness creeping onto my face. "I'm sorry you guys. I just hate when you act like that."

You skipped an ending quotation mark.

Allie puts her hand on my arm and smiles. I smile back,"See much better. Remember where not fake!"

Where not fake? I think this should be I'm not fake, or if you keep it where not fake it should be spelled we're.

I try to put a little euthsastic in my voice.

Enthusiastic should be enthusiasm.

She's walking to the rich and popular girls.

Should be; She leaves me, and walks to the 'rich and popular' girls. (Remember, they're only rich and popular because that's how your character refers to them, maybe she is saddened by this, or her cheeks go red with anger?)

The bell rings and my other friends don't have a chance to talk to me.

This suggests that she is still friends with Marissia. Maybe you could change it to; (bold) real.

We needa talk. Like serious.

This should be; We need to talk.

I get to my class.

I'm not sure about this sentence. Maybe it should be; I walk to my class?

I take a deep breath before I walk in. My teacher Mr.Alderson smiles and says welcome back. My seat is all the way in the back. It's next to Alexie and Trent. When I sit in my seat and Mr.Alderson tells the class that they need to get with a partner.

The bold is the edited punctuation . I think it should be something like; I trudge to my seat, which is all the way at the back next to Alexie and Trent.

I feel a tap on my shoulder. When I turn around Alexie is standing there with a grin on her face. "Wanna be my partner?" I nodd and we sit together at her desk. We do some project about animals.

Why does she just nod? I think it would look better if you instead put some dialogue. E.g. "Sure" I replied in a relieved tone.

Fourth period rolls around and I am exhausted.

Eh, I'm not so sure about the 'rolling around' of fourth period. It doesn't make a whole lot of sense.

Every one had been asking me questions all day.

(I added the bold bit). I think it makes more sense this way.

My teacher Mr.Rossi says the same thing every other teacher has said.

What has every other teacher said? In your earlier explanation of what a teacher said you haven't used dialogue for her full greeting, and welcome back speech, so it doesn't make much sense. This is easily fixed though Just add dialogue from her first class introduction.

Roll call goes around

This should be Mr Rossi calls the roll. (Or something similar).

We finish the video and Mr.Russi tells us to hand in our papers at the up front. A line queues to his desk, and at seeing the finished papers he dismisses my peers. When I get there he says for me to stay to the side because he needed to talk to me. "Jessica. I noticed that you were absent for quite awhile. Are you willing to make up the work?"

"Yes, you can give me every thing I need to do. And it will be in by next Monday." He nods and waves me off. The bell goes off again. This day seems to go by in a flash.

Okay, I've added in the bold parts . Also, I'm just wondering why you chose to include this class??? What is so important about it? Is the special boy in this class??

It feels good putting some liquid in my body. I decided I just wanted to sit outside untill its time for fifth period.

Bold is again my editing

Walking out side in the warm Florida sun I see kids staring. The bathroom is the only place I can hide. I run to it. When I get there in the bathroomthe air conditioning feels better than the sun. I rinse my face in the sink. While wiping my face off with a paper towel, I see myselfface in the mirror. I look in and I notice my crystal blue eyes looking back at me. They seem dull today I thought.

Just a bit of editing (bold, and strikeout).

Going out of the bathroom I see a kid standing there. A kid I've never said a word to. "Hey princess. Don't have your puppies following you?" He's mocking me.

Standing where, in the doorway? (because that would be a bit wierd).

Two can play that game, I slap him and then look at my nails and in a whiny voice say "Oh myigod! I just broke a nail!" He laughs.

More editing

"May I sit?" He asks me. I nodd and he sits across from me. He looks at me with the greenest eyes I have ever seen. "Wanna know why I called you princess?" Before I answer he starts talking again,"Well, my little sister has this barbie doll. The barbie is a princess. It has blue eyes like you and that long blond hair that every girl would kill to have, including my sister. And for some reason you remind me just like her." He stares off in space thinking. "I think her name is Cinderella."

You mainly just need to seperate the dialogue with line breaks.

Overall; I like your story, I think you can include a lot more description. Expeccially about all of the friends, they may only be minor characters, but they are still people. And Marissia- What does she look like? The new boy- What does he look like?

~Mo. PM me if you write more!