Parents-Prologue

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:D :shock: :( 8)
just an idea that came to me, like all of my stories, lol. enjoy, and plz review if you can! it's kind of short, so yea. oh, and, btw, i'm not so happy with the title, so if you have any ideas me know, it'd be a great help thanxx

Prologue
Being that our parents always dreamed of having a huge family, there were a lot of people in our house. By the time I was born, one of the middle children, there were already seven guys and eight girls. Our parents worked hard to keep us all fed and educated, but despite all the stress, they were pretty happy people. My dad was a lawyer for people convicted of being too “free-spirited” and doing stuff like streak runs and painting disturbing pictures in the middle of Times Square, stuff like that, and he was also a gay rights ambassador. Of course, behind that hippie-like façade, he was also a crossword puzzle freak, and every Saturday, no matter what the weather was like, he would coop up in the living room, on our extremely plush, cream-colored leather couch that we used for everything, including eating on and, uh, “making bundles of joy” on (as mom and dad happily confessed to, which was completely gross and uncalled for, but just goes to show how loosey-goosey my parents can be⎯and trust me, I don’t use that term easily), and he would work on his huge, fat book of crossword puzzles for hours, lost in his own little world of complicated words and definitions only meant for geniuses like him.
Mom was a former C-list actor on clichéd soap operas where everyone dies in the first five episodes. For some reason, she was sttill basking in her glory, even though her last show had been filmed almost fifteen years ago, when Cass, her third child, was born and mom decided she was done. She still got called in every now and then to do interviews from amateur journalists who couldn’t get their hands on anyone else, and needed someone to practice on. They claimed mom was “charming”, “perfect for her part”, a “great actor” and that she “projected her character with such great skill, and she took pride in her work”. It was also, apparently, “a shame that [she] didn’t persue her career any further than the few soaps she starred in.” When mom heard that, she laughed, sounding young again, saying those reporters had sucked up to her like hell, wanting her to spew a good story about a catfight, or a sneaky lipo-gone-wrong type of thing that had ended her career. Of course, the only thing that had ended her career was herself, and her ability to be selfless even when times called for her to be completely absorbed in herself, like on Mother’s day, or her birthday. She wanted to quit her job and devote all of her time to raising her children, so that’s just what she did.
Mom always had a young look to her, probably because she’d had her first child, Dan, when she was just 20, and her second, Michael, only one short year later when she had just turned 21. She was beautiful in her own small ways, like with her long, flowy, beautiful deep red-but-not-auburn colored hair that stopped at about mid-length down her back. Cassie looked a lot like her. Mom also had a thin body, and small, warm, welcoming, brown eyes. In her glory days, she had been loud, generous and outgoing. Now she was just generous, quiet and mom-like, rarely outgoing anymore. Dad had fallen in love with her free-spiritedness and her outgoing personality when he was eighteen and had chased her all through college until he proposed to her in their last year of college. Maybe that was why, after 20 kids, three car accidents, two semi-homeless nights, and 20 years of marriage, they were getting a divorce.
Last edited by Pozoe12 on Thu Apr 30, 2009 12:28 am, edited 5 times in total.




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Hello!

Being that our parents always dreamed of having a huge family

I don't like the 'being that'. It sounds weird and sounding weird is not a good way to start off a story; how about because, since, etc.? Or you could just cut it and start out with 'Our parents...' and rephrase the rest.

sttill basking

*still

born and mom decided she was done

*Mom

“a shame that [she] didn’t peruse her career

*persue. Peruse is a totally different word. XD

I love the description of the father! He sounds so adorable. The mother too, but especially the father. Awww. And the interviewing bit was cute.

The only part that bothered me was the last paragraph, because that's when you're moving from the background to the plot. Which is fine. It's just that you kind of dump all of the mother's appearance on us and then her personality - and then, whoa, divorce. I do like the ending, and leaving it like that made me want to read more, but I think it could have been integrated a little better.

Eg, you say why the father had fallen for her, but you never come right out and say why he wanted to divorce her. I think you should add a sentence "...but now she was becoming withdrawn and quiet..." or something like that, just to explain a little more. Otherwise it's like, "this is why he loved her, which is why they're divorcing."

:)

Are you continuing this? Because if so, I want to read the next part. But it could easily stand on its own, as it is, so just something to think about. If it is a standalone piece, you probably don't need to name the kids.

Anyway, great idea, nice execution, just read it again a couple of times. Keep writing!
-Mars
'life tastes sweeter when it's wrapped in poetry'
-the wombats


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Hey =]

I'm here as I said I would be :)

So, there weren't many nit-piks at all, and I think Mars got all of the ones that I would have pointed out.

I loved your descriptions of the mum and dad. They were so cute. The only thing I would suggest though, is to maybe cut down on the sentence length and seperate the sentence into smaller, easier to read sentences.

Of course, behind that hippie-like façade, he was also a crossword puzzle freak, and every Saturday, no matter what the weather was like, he would coop up in the living room, on our extremely plush, cream-colored leather couch that we used for everything, including eating on and, uh, “making bundles of joy” on (as mom and dad happily confessed to, which was completely gross and uncalled for, but just goes to show how loosey-goosey my parents can be⎯and trust me, I don’t use that term easily), and he would work on his huge, fat book of crossword puzzles for hours, lost in his own little world of complicated words and definitions only meant for geniuses like him. - This is an awfully long sentence - though it's sweet and I wouldn't want you to get rid of any of the info in it.

Maybe that was why, after 20 kids, three car accidents, two semi-homeless nights, and 20 years of marriage, they were getting a divorce. - I liked this sentence. After all of the lovey-dovey type information/background before it, it seemed to bring the story back to reality. I so wasn't expecting the divorce part either! - Good job with the story twist :)

We don't know that much about the actual MC either, though that may just be because this piece is the prologue.

This hasn't really been a very constructive review, but I think it was a good start to a story.

Good job!

I hope I've helped.

xDudettex :)
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That was VERY interesting. The endin g was twist. I did not expect a divorce. It's sad. :( But twenty kids! :o One word: Ouch. Soooooooooo I love it and will read more. Bye.

Laters!!
wookielover17



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I like it! 20 kids? Is that possible???!!!
The ending's sad - but then again it makes a storyline, so I hope you carry on writing this story!

I liked the last sentence, it was kind of like a short summary of everything that's happened and it sounds really good.
Keep it up!!!
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Nice story! It caught my eye, and I started reading! So, I didn't look for spelling or grammar mistakes to tell you the truth, it was interesting and sweet, and the last line was perfect! It builds a whole new world for the reader to think about! If you continue, please PM me.
ofir
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Wow! I love the twist at the end and how it's not completely lovey-dovey. What's going to happen to the kids?! Please PM me when the next part is out.

Also, some of the kids must be a lot older so at least three of them shouldn't be living at home anymore, probably more, if you think about it realistically, so maybe you should mention that the house isn't as hectic as it sounds since some of them must've left home?

Although there were a few spelling and grammar mistakes, I did really enjoy it and I'm anticipating when the next part comes out!
Oh yes, I'm fine, everything's just wonderful, I'm having the time of my life.




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Nitpicks/General things to point out:
Pozoe12 wrote:Being that our parents always dreamed of having a huge family, there were a lot of people in our house.

So lets talk about this first line. It doesn't really flow very well for me. I think this opening line could be as simple as 'Our parents always dreamed of having a huge family.' I don't think the second part of that sentence is really necessary. I think the reader will just kind of get the idea that the house is pretty packed as they start to read into the story.

Pozoe12 wrote: By the time I was born[s], one of the middle children[/s], there were already seven guys ((boys)) and eight girls.


Pozoe12 wrote: Of course, behind that hippie-like façade, he was also a crossword puzzle freak, and every Saturday, no matter what the weather was like, he would coop up in the living room, on our extremely plush, cream-colored leather couch that we used for everything, including eating on and, uh, “making bundles of joy” on (as mom and dad happily confessed to, which was completely gross and uncalled for, but just goes to show how loosey-goosey my parents can be⎯and trust me, I don’t use that term easily), and he would work on his huge, fat book of crossword puzzles for hours, lost in his own little world of complicated words and definitions only meant for geniuses like him.

I really like this description of the dad.
However, that sentence with the (...) in it, gets really long and really off topic really fast. By the time the parenthesis are over, I've forgotten what was going on before the parenthesis started. I think you can cut it off after the '...gross and uncalled for.'

Pozoe12 wrote: For some reason, she was sttill ((still. Typo. :))basking in her glory,


Pozoe12 wrote:She still got called in every now and then to do interviews from amateur journalists who couldn’t get their hands on anyone else, and needed someone to practice on.

I liked this description.

Pozoe12 wrote: “a shame that [she] didn’t [b]persue ((pursue)) her career any further than the few soaps she starred in.”


Pozoe12 wrote:Maybe that was why, after 20 kids, three car accidents, two semi-homeless nights, and 20 years of marriage, they were getting a divorce.

Ooooh...intriguing. :) I like it. :)

[b]Characters:
Obviously this is a prologue so it's kind of hard to get to know the characters yet. I think the MC has a strong voice. I already like her, (or him, but I'm guessing her. :))
I liked the descriptions of the parents but why did you describe the mom's looks and not the dad's?

Plot:
From the brief description of the piece, (parents with 20 children), I thought this would just be like 'Omg we have 20 children, this is what our life is like.' :) I'm really glad that you're bringing in some real conflict right from the get-go. Man, what do you do when you have 20 children and you're getting a divorce? That would stink.

Overall:
I like your writing style. Sometimes you get slightly off-topic, but not really. The only big time you did that I pointed it out. :)
I'm curious about this. I think I'm going to read more. :)

-Carly
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This is good!
I love the plot and the big twist in the end. I believe that everyone else has already had their fun with the nitpicking, so I'll stay away from that.
The end was amazing. As someone before mentioned, it brought you straight back o reality after this fairytale family introduction.

The one thing I don't like, is the 20 kids in 20 years. I do not like that at all. I mean, twenty children? That's quite a lot. I think I would lower that number, to make it more realistic.
And after twenty pregnancies, I doubt a woman could still be skinny, as you said the mother was.

Over all, it was a great story and I'm gonna go read the next chapter right now. (:




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I like it, it's a good start, which engages the readers attention, I'm a little worried about the amount of kids though! This could lead into many possibilities, allowing yours and the readers imaginations run wild. How are you going to think of names for all those children? I look forwards to seeing more of this and I hope that you will keep developing your fantastic writing style, I'm sure that all grammar errors have been exposed, so I won't waste your time by repeating them

Thank you for the opportunity to read this

~ Roon




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I liked it. intriguig.I love the ending, different unexpected.
[list=]"Of course, behind that hippie-like façade, he was also a crossword puzzle freak, and every Saturday, no matter what the weather was like, he would coop up in the living room, on our extremely plush, cream-colored leather couch that we used for everything, including eating on and, uh, “making bundles of joy” on (as mom and dad happily confessed to, which was completely gross and uncalled for, but just goes to show how loosey-goosey my parents can be⎯and trust me, I don’t use that term easily), and he would work on his huge, fat book of crossword puzzles for hours, lost in his own little world of complicated words and definitions only meant for geniuses like him."[/list] A very long sentence, i have to say but an incredible description of the father, very imaginative. The mother's description is also very good. And for a begginer is incredibly exelent.
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