Learning the Truth (Chapter 3)

A minute, maybe two past. Jacob took a deep breath. “Hailey, this is getting serious. We have more… powers” he did air quotes when he said the word ‘powers,’ “than before.” I nodded. “Your right, so, what do we do now?” Jacob got this serious look on his face. “We learn how to control it. What else is there to do?”

“Okay, so how do we do that?”

“We train ourselves, how else?”

“Your right, totally right, so, when do we start?”

“The sooner the better, we can start tomorrow.”

“Deal.” I walked over to the kitchen to get started on dinner. “What are you doing?” asked Jacob. “Getting dinner started.” I said, as if he were missing the obvious. “Oh, right, obviously. Um, well, you can count me out. I’m not hungry.” he said. I was kind of shocked. “Okay, nether am I so I’ll go check on the laundry.” I said. He nodded. I walked toward the back door. I opened it and shut it behind me.
I sat down on the dirty, wet grass for a while. I didn’t have the strength to stand up. I needed to think. Me and Jacob are gonna train ourselves to control our powers. This doesn’t make sense. Human beings aren’t even supposed to have powers. I have no idea how Jacob plans to learn how to control our powers. But I trust him. I took a deep breath and got up.

I grabbed the basket and walked over to the clothes. I touched them to make sure they were dry. Once I made sure the shirt was dry I put it in the basket. I did the exact same thing with the rest of the clothes. When I got to my jeans, they were still wet. Great, I thought sarcastically, now I have to wait for them to dry! Suddenly an idea accord to me, what if I can use my new power to heat up my pants and get them dry. Jacob did say we were gonna train… Why wait?

I put the basket on the floor. I stood up straight and took a deep breath. I took a couple of steps back and concentrated. I kept staring at them. The pants were my primary objective. I kept staring at them and concentrating. It took me a couple of minutes but after a while they were all I could see. All I cared about. All that mattered. I could feel the heat. Only this time it was less than last time. Way less. I saw steam in the air. In two seconds they were dry. “Yes!” I said ruining my concentration. Big mistake. The second after I said that, my pants caught fire.

I started panicking. I didn’t know what to do, so I yelled. Jacob must have herd me, because seconds later he rushed threw the door. “What’s going on?!” he yelled. “My pants caught on fire! I don’t know what to do!”

“Did you try putting it out?!”

“No, that’s a good idea!” I was looking for something with water to put it out. I remembered we had a hose. I ran toward it and grabbed it. Suddenly I forgot how to use it. “What is wrong with you?!” he yelled. “Sorry I’m panicking!” I realized the cord where it was hanging caught fire too. I squealed. “Give me that!” said Jacob, taking the hose from my hands. He -unlike me- knew what to do. He got the fire out. I sighed with relief. That was I good reason to wait… “What were you doing?” asked Jacob. He’s gonna laugh at me for weeks. “Well I was taking all the clothes and my jeans were still wet. Sense you said we should learn to control our powers, I got this idea to use my new powers to dry them. It was all going great, till that happened.” I said, with out taking a breath.

He smiled and started laughing. “I knew you’d laugh at me!” I stomped my foot and complained like a three year old girl. “I’m not laughing at you; I’m laughing at the situation.” I rolled my eyes. “Come on, let’s go inside.” I stuck my tong out at him and walked inside with him. “Seriously, you stomped your foot?” he said. “Shut up.” I said while hitting him. He started laughing. We started talking about stuff, mostly about my little accident but I’m glad everything is back to normal. It got late, so we decided to go to bed.

I put on my PJ’s and went to bed. I could already hear Jacob snoring. I rolled my eyes. I swear he can sleep on command. I laid there on my bed for a while looking at the ceiling, until I finally fell asleep.

It was a weird dream. I was at the river. I was just standing there, doing nothing. Suddenly there’s this huge bolder. Only seconds later it exploded. Then another one appeared, and like the other it exploded. More kept appearing and like the others they exploded. None of the pieces flying hurt me. I wasn’t scared or confused of what was going on. Actually, it looked like I knew what was going on, and things were going exactly like I wanted them to. Suddenly all the boulders were gone. There was nothing left but trees. Out of nowhere Jacob appeared. He was standing behind me. He put his hands on my shoulders and said, “Are you okay?” I turned around to faced him and smiled. “Everything’s fine.” I said, in a devious voice. He nodded once, he put his arm around me and we walked away. As we walked away I looked back. There was a small explosion. To small to blow up the entire place, but big enough that a tree caught fire. Then all the trees caught fire. I had this devious smile on my face and looked away. Behind me and Jacob everything caught fire, and we didn’t even care…

I woke up with a gasp. I was sweating and panting. What was that? The explosions, the fire, the deviousness, the pleasure of watching the destruction and causing it, where Jacob put his arm around me… Whoa Hailey, back to reality. Let’s focus on the destruction. And besides that meant nothing and you didn’t even like it. Right… Why was I happy that I was destroying it? It’s my favorite place in the world, why would I want to destroy it? Don’t look in to it Hail. I was just a dream, just a dream…

I slept threw the rest of the night. I woke up because Jacob was pounding at my door. “What?” I yelled, putting my blanket over my head. “Get up! We have training today!” he yelled back. I sat up and looked out the window. It was steel dark out. “The sun isn’t even up yet.” I said, lying back down. “Get up Hail!” I groaned. He pounded at the door. “If you keep that up you’ll break the door!” I complained over the noise. “I don’t mind.” He said, all cocky. “Uhg, fine!” I said while getting up. It took me a while to get dressed. It’s hard getting dressed in the dark. I walked out of my room and toward the kitchen. I yawned and walked toward the fridge. “What do you think your doing?” said Jacob, closing the refrigerator door. “Getting something to eat.”

“No eating before exercising.”

“Fine.” I said, angrily.

I walked toward the door and went outside. Jacob started walking and I followed, looks like we’re headed for the river. “Why did it take you s long to get ready today?” asked Jacob. “It’s hard to get dressed in the dark.”

“You have a lamp, you know.” Wow, it didn’t ochre to me at the moment to turn it on. “Uh, well-” I was interrupted by his laughter. I stuck my tongue out at him, which made him laugh harder. I rolled my eyes and kept walking.

“Okay, we’re here.” said Jacob. I walked over to the shore of the river. It was still dark out. “Why did we have to get here so early?” I asked him, while turning around to face him. “So people wouldn’t see or hear us when we do the freaky power stuff.” I nodded. Makes sense, I guess. “Okay Jake. Show me exactly what you did yesterday.”

“Okay.”

He walked over to a nearby boulder and punched it with great force. “Whoa.” I said, in shock. He seemed to be pleased with my answer. “You know yesterday I was pretty freaked about it, but know I think it’s kind of cool.” Leave it to Jacob to get over something so freaky, and then say it’s cool.

“Okay, now that I showed you mine you show me yours.”

“Um, okay.”

I looked around for something to blow up. I saw a rock. Not nearly as huge as the boulder I blew up yesterday but big. I concentrated on it and kept staring at it, but nothing. What’s wrong? I did it twice yesterday. I concentrated harder and harder, and nothing. Please blow up rock. I concentrated harder. Nothing. Blow up already! Suddenly everything else was gone. I didn’t remember Jacob being there. All that mattered was that I was gonna destroy the rock. The rock exploded into a million pieces. It sound weird, but I was happy it did.

I turned around to look at Jacob. He had a shocked expression. “That. Was. Awsome!” I laughed. We kept working on our powers the rest of the day. Jacob’s skin morphing power just wouldn’t kick in. He tried, and tried, but nothing happened. The sun was coming up so we decided to call it a day. We can keep going tomorrow.

“Jakie I’m starving!” I complained, in a whinny voice.

“Don’t call me Jakie, you know I hate that.”

“Yes I do know that. What’s your point?” he rolled his eyes.

“We can go to Joe’s. You can see if you can weasel out some food out of him.”

“Great idea, let’s stop by!” I said, while pulling Jacob by the wrist. Jacob laughed at my reaction. I ignored him, because his a big dummy. Joe’s is a bakery a couple blocks away from home. I have a history with this bakery…

*Flashback*

It’s been two weeks sense me and Jacob ran away and we haven’t eaten a thing. I decided to take a walk down the street, to get my mind of food. As I walked, I stumbled across a bakery. It had a huge sign that said Joe’s bakery. I could see the people inside eating, there pastries and sandwiches. I felt my stomach grumble and my mouth watered. The food looked so delicious. Jacob and I were so hungry, I decided to steal some food. We both knew what we had to do to survive. I walked inside. I was overwhelmed by the smell of food, my stomach grumbled. I went up to the counter. A man walked up to me with a friendly smile. “May I help you?” said the man, in a friendly voice. He’s nice. I checked his name tag, it said: Hello my name is Joe.

Wait the owner! Maybe I should wait till another person comes… I herd my stomach grumble again. Jake must be the same way. I have to do it, for me. For Jake. I cleared my throat. “Um, yes. Could I, um, have two cupcakes please?” I said, in a low voice that he didn't hear me. “Absolutely.” he said smiling. He put to cupcakes on the counter and turned around toward the cash register. I took the cupcakes and ran out side. I ran about ten steps before the guilt overwhelm me. I took a deep breath and turned around. I walked to the back entrance and knocked.

Joe answered, this time serious. “Yes?” he said, folding his arms in front of him. “Um, I’m sorry sir.” I said, with tears in my eyes. I handed him the cupcakes and he took them. “I really, really sorry I stole them. I had no other choice. I promise never to do it again, just please, please don’t call the cops.” I said, crying like a little baby. His look softened. “I won’t call the cops.” I nodded. “Thank you.” I was about to turn around and leave. “Honey, wait here.” said Joe. I nodded, with a confused look on my face. He came back two minutes later with a huge brown paper bag. “Here, take this.” he said handing it to me. I took it with the same confused look. I looked inside and gasped. It was food! “Oh my, gosh! Thank you, thank you so much.” I said smiling. “Come back when you need something, okay?” I nodded excitedly. I hugged him and ran home. Jacob’s gonna be so happy.

*End of Flashback*

I knocked on Joe’s back door. The door opened and it was him. “Hailey!” he said, giving me a hug. I hugged him back. “Hi Joe.” We pulled away. “It’s been a while sense I’ve seen you! How are you?” he asked so exited. I chuckled. “Hungry, but good, could you get us something to eat.”
“Sure.” He looked at Jacob. “Hello, Jacob.” Jacob nodded once. Joe walked back inside and minutes later he walked out with a brown paper bag. “Here you go.” he said all cheery and happy. “Thank you, Joe, bye.”

“Bye sweetie.” as I turned he grabbed my arm. “And my offer still stands.” I nodded. “I know.” and with that I left. Jacob took the bag out of my hands.
What Joe meant by ‘My offer still stands’ is that he offered to adopt me last year. Just me, so I turned him down. I never told Jacob and I never will. He doesn’t need to know.
“Good stuff in here.” said Jacob. “Yeah, and I want something.” I reached in the bag and pulled out a beagle and shoved it down my mouth. Jacob started laughing. I hit his arm. “Ow! That hurt!” I yelled in pain. Jacob came to a halt. “What is it?”

“You hurt my hand you idiot!”

“Let me see.”

He took my hand and examined it. “Don’t worry it’s not broken.” I nodded. Then he started laughing like crazy. He wouldn’t stop laughing the entire walk home.

Hey, wookie! Wazzup?
First off, I just want to say that this chapter was pretty cool. There were two things that really stood out to me: Hail's pants catching on fire, because that was just hilarious, and the dream. That dream was so freaky and twisted and sick... I loved it.
Okay. Now for my much-loved-much-dreaded 'ripping-your-writing-to-shreds' spiel:

A minute, maybe two [you should really throw a comma in right there] [s]past[/s] passed. [P] Jacob took a deep breath. “Hailey, this is getting serious. We have more… powers [you might actually want to put quotes around that, so it would look like: we have more... 'powers'"]” he did air quotes when he said the word [s]‘powers,’[/s] “than before.” [P] I nodded. “[s]Your[/s] You're right, so, [that comma isn't necessary] what do we do now?” [P] Jacob got this serious look on his face. “We learn how to control [s]it[/s] them [you've been talking about the powers in plural before now, so you should stick with that]. What else is there to do?”

I'm just going to explain some stuff in there: the [P] means to start a new paragraph, because you have someone new talking. This is a habit for you, so I'm not going to correct it every time you do this in the chapter, but just watch out for that. Then: homonyms. And words that sound alike but are different. For example, 'past' is the whole past-present-future thing, and 'passed' is something going by. You also got mixed up with the forms of your and you're.

“We train ourselves, how else?”
“[s]Your[/s] You're right, totally right, so, when do we start?”
“The sooner the better, we can start tomorrow.”

I did a lot of stuff to commas in there. The ones I underlined you should change into semicolons, because the two halves of the sentences are somewhat, but not entirely, related. I can't really explain semicolons; I just know where they go. I bolded one comma in there, because it's not entirely necessary.

“Getting dinner started.” I said, as if he were missing the obvious. [P] “Oh, right, obviously. Um, well, you can count me out. I’m not hungry.” he said. [P] I was kind of shocked. [P] “Okay, [s]nether[/s] neither am I, [comma there] so I’ll go check on the laundry.” I said.

I underlined some periods in there, because they should be commas. Whenever you're going directly from speech into the he said/she said/I said, you need a comma, not a period. Then, I italicized this part: as if he were missing the obvious, and the word obviously. You used obviously twice within the course of two sentences; it sounded a bit repetitive. You might want to change one of them up. And: the 'as if he were missing the obvious' part... it just really isn't necessary in general. You can do different things to get that message across, for example: "Getting dinner started," I said, giving him an odd look. "What else?" Lastly, I made the 'I was kind of shocked' part a paragraph on its own, and that's because it would kind of stand out to the reader that way, like: wait. hold up. he's not eating? is this really jake?

I walked toward the back door. I opened it and shut it behind me. I sat down on the dirty, wet grass for a while. I didn’t have the strength to stand up. I needed to think.

There's nothing grammatically wrong with these sentences. But they all begin with 'I', so they seem oddly disjointed and don't flow well. You can combine some of them to get rid of this, like: I walked toward the back door, pushed it open, and shut it behind me. Then I sat down on the dirty, wet grass for a while, not having the strength to stand up. I needed to think. You get what I'm saying?

[s]Me and Jacob[/s] Jacob and I are gonna train ourselves to control our powers. This doesn’t make sense. Human beings aren’t even supposed to have powers. I have no idea how Jacob plans to learn how to control our powers. But I trust him.

It was only that first sentence that wasn't grammatically correct, and those two 'powers' I italicized were just repetitive, but wookie, you've been in past tense until now. Those sentences were all present tense, which interrupts the flow of the story and is just odd in general. Try to pick a tense and stick to it, even if it's annoying and hard... ugh... I hate tenses. Whoever invented them should go kill themselves.
Anywho:

Suddenly an idea [s]accord[/s] occurred to me, what if I [s]can[/s] could use my new power to heat up my pants and get them dry.

First off, that comma I underlined should be a colon. Secondly, you should write 'powers' instead of just 'power' where I italicized it, because she didn't have a specific power for making stuff heat up and dry. Last, that period should be a question mark, since it's, you know, a question.

I took a couple of steps back and concentrated. I kept staring at them.... I kept staring at them and concentrating.

Repetitive-ness. Clean that up a bit.

It took me a couple of minutes, but after a while, they were all I could see.

I threw those two bolded commas in there... you know how much I love those commas.

Only this time it was less [s]than last time[/s] [repetitive]. Way less.

This is just a suggestion: you could change the period to a semicolon, if you want.

I didn’t know what to do, so I yelled. Jacob must have herd me, because seconds later he rushed threw the door. [P] “What’s going on?!” he yelled. [P] “My pants caught on fire! I don’t know what to do!”

The two 'yelled's are just a tad repetitive. You might want to say Hail screamed; that would make her sound more freaked out. Also... I underlined the '?!', because you should really try to avoid double punctuation. You could even italicize the sentence, to make it like: "What's going on?" he yelled.

“No, that’s a good idea!” I [s]was looking[/s] looked for something with water to put it out.

You might want to change that comma to a semicolon, and tenses, wookie, tenses.

“Sorry; I’m panicking!” I realized the cord where it was hanging caught fire, too.

I threw in that semicolon and that comma. Also, when you said 'the cord', I had no clue what you were talking about for a while. You might want to make it more obvious that it's the clothing line.

That was [s]I[/s] a good reason to wait…

He’s gonna laugh at me for weeks. “Well, I was taking all the clothes [erm... taking all the clothes... where?] and my jeans were still wet. [s]Sense[/s] Since you said we should learn to control our powers, I got this idea to use my new powers [repetitive] to dry them. It was all going great, till that happened.” I said, [s]with out[/s] without taking a breath.

“I knew you’d laugh at me!” I stomped my foot and complained like a three-year-old girl.

I'm pretty sure the hyphens in three-year-old were the only things you were missing. However, I think it might flow better if you have something like this: I stomped my foot, complaining like a three-year-old girl. You choose.

“Come on, let’s go inside.”

Erm, wookie? You neve really specified who said this sentence. I'm assuming it was Jake, but since there weren't any paragraph breaks, I couldn't be sure.

“Shut up. [comma]” I said, [s]while[/s] hitting him. He started laughing [he already started laughing in the beginning of the paragraph, wookie. use different wording]. We started talking about stuff, mostly about my little accident, but I’m glad everything is back to normal [tenses, wookie, tenses].

Okay. That's all I have time to do tonight, but I think I've taken up enough of your comment space. I didn't correct every little thing in your writing, so just pay attention to these things from now on: starting new paragraphs every time someone new talks, using a comma when you're going directly from speaking into a he said/she said/I said, tenses, not being repetitive, and not using the same word at the beginning of each sentence.
Once again: I loved the dream. It was so freaking twisted and wicked... was it foreshadowing? I sure hope so... I love it when characters go evil.
Speaking of which: when you had Jacob punch that rock, you never said that it actually blew up; he just 'punched it with great force.' You might want to make some sort of dramatic explosion there.
One last thing: I liked the flashback at the end. You made it pretty obvious that it was a flashback, though, which you might not want to do. It kind of interrupts the flow of the story and just looks altogether annoying. You can just do something like: I had a history with this bakery. [P] It had been two weeks since Jacob and I ran away, and we hadn't eaten a thing...
I'll be commenting on the next chapter soon. Hasta la vista!

wookielover17 wrote:“Hailey, this is getting serious. We have more… powers” he did air quotes when he said the word ‘powers,’ “than before.” I nodded. “Your ((You're)) right, so, what do we do now?” Jacob got this ((a)) serious look on his face. “We learn how to control it. What else is there to do?”

Kay, a couple of things here, hopefully it's not too confusing
-If you put ' ' around powers, like 'powers' it kind of implys that he did air quotes, then you can take out the part of him making air quotes and just connect 'powers' to 'than before'.
-New paragraph at 'I nodded' and another new paragraph at 'Jacob got this...' Remember to start a new paragraph when a new person talks or it switches focus from one person to another.

wookielover17 wrote: “Your right, totally right, so, when do we start?”

I think this would sound better if it was just 'Okay, when do we start?'

wookielover17 wrote: “Deal.” I walked over to the kitchen to get started on dinner. “What are you doing?” asked Jacob. “Getting dinner started.” I said, as if he were missing the obvious. “Oh, right, obviously. Um, well, you can count me out. I’m not hungry.” he said. I was kind of shocked. “Okay, nether am I so I’ll go check on the laundry.” I said. He nodded. I walked toward the back door. I opened it and shut it behind me.

Again, make new paragraphs when new people start talking or doing actions.
Also, this part seems a little pointless. She starts dinner but she's not hungry? I would just cut it out. Have like, 'deal' and then have them go outside or whatever is they're doing next.

wookielover17 wrote:I touched them to make sure they were dry. Once I made sure the shirt was dry I put it in the basket. I did the exact same thing with the rest of the clothes. When I got to my jeans, they were still wet. Great, I thought sarcastically, now I have to wait for them to dry!

This is all very repetitive. You can condense this a lot. She touches them to make sure they're dry, she puts them in the basket. She reaches her jeans and they're still damp.

wookielover17 wrote:I stood up straight and took a deep breath. I took a couple of steps back and concentrated. I kept staring at them.

I would combine these because they're kind of repetitive. 'I stood up straight, took a deep breath, walked a couple of steps back, and concentrated.'

wookielover17 wrote:The pants were my primary objective. I kept staring at them and concentrating. It took me a couple of minutes but after a while they were all I could see. All I cared about. All that mattered. I could feel the heat. Only this time it was less than last time. Way less. I saw steam in the air. In two seconds they were dry. “Yes!” I said ruining my concentration. Big mistake. The second after I said that, my pants caught fire.

Good description here.

wookielover17 wrote: Jacob must have herd ((heard)) me, because seconds later he rushed threw the door. “What’s going on?!” he yelled. “My pants caught on fire! I don’t know what to do!”

New paragraph after 'he yelled.'

wookielover17 wrote: “Did you try putting it out?!”

“No, that’s a good idea!”

I think it would sound better if he just yelled, 'Put it out!' and just cut out what she says.

wookielover17 wrote: I was looking for something with water to put it out. I remembered we had a hose. I ran toward it and grabbed it. Suddenly I forgot how to use it. “What is wrong with you?!” he yelled. “Sorry I’m panicking!” I realized the cord where it was hanging caught fire too. I squealed. “Give me that!” said Jacob, taking the hose from my hands. He -unlike me- knew what to do. He got the fire out. I sighed with relief. That was I good reason to wait… “What were you doing?” asked Jacob. He’s gonna laugh at me for weeks. “Well I was taking all the clothes and my jeans were still wet. Sense ((Since)) you said we should learn to control our powers, I got this idea to use my new powers to dry them. It was all going great, till that happened.” I said, with out taking a breath.

I liked this. You built up a sense of panic well.
Just remember to change paragraphs. Whenever Jacob starts to talk make a new paragraph and then when it goes back over to what's going on with the fire in Hailey's POV, make a new paragraph again.

wookielover17 wrote:“Seriously, you stomped your foot?”

I was waiting for him to add, 'I thought girls only did that on TV.' Like Twilight.

wookielover17 wrote: I slept threw ((through)) the rest of the night.

wookielover17 wrote:It was steel ((still)) dark out.

wookielover17 wrote:Wow, it didn’t ochre ((occur)) to me at the moment to turn it on.

wookielover17 wrote: I looked around for something to blow up.

wookielover17 wrote: *Flashback*

I don't think you need to put 'flashback' in. Because this next part is in italics, the reader will just kind of assume it's in the past.

wookielover17 wrote: [i]It’s been two weeks sense ((since)) me and Jacob ran away and we haven’t eaten a thing.

wookielover17 wrote:to get my mind [b]of ((off of?)) food.

wookielover17 wrote: *End of Flashback*

You don't really need this in either. Since it goes back to un-italics, the reader will know it's back to present times.

wookielover17 wrote:“It’s been a while sense ((since)) I’ve seen you!

wookielover17 wrote: I reached in the bag and pulled out a beagle and shoved it down my mouth.

A beagle? A beagle is a dog. I think you mean a 'bagel'

You've got a good start here. There are just two things I want you to keep in mind and you can probably apply this to all chapters of your story.
1. Grammar. There are two sub-points here for you to really watch out for.
-Since/Sense, (words like that). They mean different things so make sure you have the correct meaning each time you write it.
-Paragraphs. I stopped marking them about half-way down but I think you get the idea. Start a new paragraph whenever someone new starts talking or when the subject of the paragraph changes.
2. Showing instead of Telling. I think I've pinpointed something here. I think you do more telling than showing in this story, and you want to do more showing. You have a lot of dialogue and not a lot of action and description. There have been several things posted on this in the Writing Tips section if you're confused.

Keep working on it, it has a lot of potential!

-Carly

((I'm going to stop here with this story, if that's okay. Just take the advice I've already given and apply it to the other chapters. If you really want, I'll continue, just say so in my Will Review for Food thread. ))