Learning the Truth (Chapter 1)

“Hi Hail.”

“Hey Jake” this is Jacob. My best friend sense, like ever. My name is actually Hailey; he calls me Hail to shorten it. Sense my name is so long. Jacob and I are totally different. I mean, he has russet skin, I have pale skin. He has short black hair, I have long black hair. He has hazel brown eyes, I have black eyes. He has a smile that can make the most depressed guy in the universe smile. I have a boring regular smile. He could socialize with anyone. I am the most shy, keep to myself person in the world. But somehow we’re totally alike. In a weird way we just… click.
Even though we’re here for totally different reasons, we understand each other. You see, my parents died in a car accident when I was six. So they took me to the orphanage. Jacob’s parents died when he was six months old. He didn’t have a legal guardian so they took him to the orphanage. There’s where I met him. When we turned thirteen… weird stuff started happening. So we ran away together and ended up here.

It’s been three years. We’re sixteen now. Somehow leaving here made us closer. We leave in an abandon house. It’s small. It’s made out of wood and the blue paint is chipped off. But it has two bedrooms; it’s cozy and its home. We love it. Right now we’re outside. I looked up at him. The guy is huge.

He’s six-two. I’m five-five. He has a lot of muscle too. I look like a doll next to him. So fragile and breakable. That is so not how things are though. “Guess what.” he asked. “What?” I asked smiling. “I found twenty bucks today.” He said taking them out of his pocket and showing it to me. “Awesome! Now we’re rich. Let’s grab are new found riches and buy a Mercedes.” We started laughing.
We do that a lot. Laugh. He’s just so happy all the time. You’d never believe he had such a sad background. I grabbed my locket to make sure it was there. That’s the last connection I have of my parents. They gave it to me for my sixth birthday. Inside there’s a picture of the three of us. “So,” said Jacob interrupting my thoughts “now that we’re rich, what are we eating tonight?”
“Um, well, there’s still some fish left. I guess I guess I could make that. Could you go buy some soda?”

“So you want me to stop by the crappy market ten blocks away, to buy some soda. Then you want me to walk back here, when I get back probably the soda will probably be hot, but we’ll drink anyway? Okay” he said all calm, like nothing had happened. I couldn’t help but laugh. “Just get home before dinner, okay?” I said while laughing. He smiled. “Okay.” He started walking down the street toward the market. I walked the other direction toward home. I opened the door and walked inside. The place is really old and falling apart. But somehow Jacob and I love it. A place that we could call our own. I walked toward the stove and turned it on.

I scaled the fish, closed my eyes to cut the head and put it on the pan to start frying. Jacob loves my cooking. He seas it’s the best he ever tasted. I felt a drop of water drop of water fall on my head. Oops. Looks like a leek. Better tell Jake to fix that. He’s good at fixing things. He fixed the stove and even made this cool invention, where some tube that goes to the lake and gets the water into the sink. No water bill.

I added the seasonings to the fish. It was starting to smell good. I grabbed the spatula and flipped the fish and added some more seasonings. I got a little bored without Jacob there to talk to. So I started humming. I remember one time when he caught me singing. He said my voice was ‘kind of nice’. But I know he was just being nice. The fish were done. I put it in two different plates and made the table. I was gonna walk back to the sink but the room was becoming a blur. I lost sight of the room. My knees gave out and I fell to the floor.

At that very second Jacob walked in. I couldn’t see him, but I herd the door open. “Hailey!” he yelled. I heard something fall on the floor. He knelled next to me and put his arms around me. “Are you having a vision again?” he asked worried. “Yeah, I think so.” I said in a low voice. “Where are you this time?” he asked. “I-I’m in a dark place. An alley, I think. Th-theres smoke, maybe fog. And-” suddenly everything went blank.

I was back in the kitchen. My crappy and beautiful kitchen. I looked up and Jacob was there his arms still locked around me. “It’s gone.”I said in a low voice. There was a long pause. Jacob realized that his arms were still around me. He let go and helped me up. “Sorry about the drama.” I said apologetically. “It’s okay. Don’t worry about it.” those words were a little reashering. But I still felt bad for making him worry. “Uh, let’s eat. Foods getting cold.” he nodded. “Okay.”

We sat across from each other at the table. It was silent. As you may have already guessed, I get occasional visions. I think there the future because everything I see hasn’t happened yet. It’s confusing. You see this is the weird stuff that’s been happening sense I was thirteen. Stuff like this happens to Jacob too. Well, not the same way as me though.

It only happens occasionally, but sometimes Jacob changes. One time Jacob grabbed a door knob and his entire arm turned into metal. He let it go and it slowly went back to normal. That’s why we left the orphanage. I get visions and Jacob skin morphs. We were creped out. Sense we were both going threw it, we decide to go threw it together. Even though we both know this stuff happens, it’s still scary when it happens, because we don’t know how to deal with it.

“So, good fish.” said Jacob breaking the silence. “Thanks.” I smiled “You think it’s safe to open the soda?” He smiled too. He dropped the bag when he came in so we’re not sure if there gonna blow up. “Only one way to find out.” he said. Our smiles got wider. We grabbed our cans.

“On three.” said Jacob “One”

“Two…”

“Three!” we said at the same time. We opened our cans simultaneously. Soda started poring out like one of those paper mashay volcanoes. We started laughing like crazy. “That was awesome!” we said at the same time. We grabbed some paper towels and started cleaning up the mess. There was still some soda left in the can, we shrugged and took a zip. The conversation flowed from there. It’s cool how we can talk for hours and never run out of things to say. We decide moved the conversation to the couch, to be more comfortable. We sat down in that old couch we found when we got here. I spent three weeks cleaning it.

“Oh, Jake before I forget. There a leek over there could you fix that?”

“Sure, no problem. I’ll fix it tomorrow.” He glanced at his watch. “Actually, later on today. It’s one-thirty in the morning.”

“It is?” I said grabbing his wrist. “Oh, it is. So…I guess we go to bed.” We sighed and got up from the couch. “Oh, and when you put on your pajamas give me your clothes so I can wash them.”

“Okay.” he said while we walked toward our rooms, which were right across the hall from each other. We never went inside each others rooms unless an emergency. I changed into my pajamas that I’ve had for a very long time. They gave them to us at the orphanage. They change them every couple of years. They gave them to me when I was when I was thirteen. I opened my door to put my clothes in the basket next to my door. Jacob already put his clothes in the basket.

I could hear him snoring in the other room. I chuckled to myself. That guy could sleep threw anything. I layed down on my ancient bed that creeks every time I move. I closed my eyes and fell asleep instantly. When I woke up the sun was just done rising. I sighed and got up. I changed into my other pair of clothes I have. When I walked out of my room Jacob walked out of his room too. “Morning.” He said smiling “Good morning.” I replied.

“So what’s for breakfast?” he asked as we walked toward the kitchen. “Cereal and milk.” I said smiling. “Great.” he said sarcastically. “I’ll get the bowls and spoons you get the cereal and milk.” I said. “Okay.” he replied. I walked toward the cabinets and Jacob toward the fridge. We served our selves and took a spoon full of coco puffs. “So what are you doing today?” Jacob asked. I swallowed and answered. “Um, laundry I guess, how about you?”

“Well if I don’t fix that leek you’ll probably kill me. So I guess I’ll do that” I laughed. We finished our breakfast; we put the bowls in the sink and washed them. I grabbed the basket of clothes and started heading for the door. “I’ll be at the river if you need me.” I yelled over my shoulder as I walked out the door. “Okay see you later.” He yelled back. I walked outside. The river was about six blocks away. This is gonna take a while.

Finally, I’m here. This is so embarrassing. We’re in the twenty first century and I’m washing clothes in a river like its seventeen thirty two. I grabbed my ripped jeans and started washing them. I can’t believe people waste hundreds of dollars on jeans like mine. Let me save them some money. Just live on your own for three years and only have two pairs of jeans. They’ll rip all by themselves. I finished washing my clothes and started washing Jacob's.

I grabbed his baggy pants. They had rip where the right knee is. His hoody and his shirt were in there. In about twenty minutes I was done washing them. I put the wet clothes in the basket. I stared ahead, across the river. There was this huge bolder. Somehow it caught my attention. I kept staring at it. Concentrating on it. It was only thing on my mind. It was the only thing I could see.

I kept staring at it. Then I felt something. It was hot. It was like… combustion. I felt it in my mind. In a matter of a second, the bolder exploded. I flinched and dropped the basket. There was pieces of that bolder flying everywhere. Some of those pieces hurt me. But I hardly felt it. Did I do that? What was that?

I got scared by the thought. I grabbed the basket and started running without looking back. I was scared to see what might be there. I ran without stopping. I finally got home.

Hi! I just want to start off by saying that I thought your story was very interesting. The whole thing about Jake and Hail running away from the orphanage and living on their own- and the fact that they have magic powers- is a pretty cool plot. I just want to say that, although I like how you got all of the important stuff down right away, it might be better for you disperse the details- like what they look like and what their pasts are- throughout the first couple chapters, instead of the first page or so. People always critique me on this; they call it 'infodumping.' You might just want to write some more of the story, and then edit it to add in the juicy details later. This is what makes people curious to read more.
I thought that I might as well point that out before I begin. Now, onto critiquing!

“Hi Hail.”

I'm sorry that I'm editing the first sentence... that always seems like a bit of a bad sign. Don't worry, though; you just need to add a period after the word 'Hi.' You have to add in a comma whenever you're going from a greeting, or something like that, to a proper noun. You did the same thing in the next line, when you said "Hey Jake"; it should be "Hey, Jake."
I'm going to try and do this one paragraph at a time.

“Hey Jake” this is Jacob. My best friend sense, like ever. My name is actually Hailey; he calls me Hail to shorten it. Sense my name is so long. Jacob and I are totally different. I mean, he has russet skin, I have pale skin. He has short black hair, I have long black hair. He has hazel brown eyes, I have black eyes. He has a smile that can make the most depressed guy in the universe smile. I have a boring regular smile. He could socialize with anyone. I am the most shy, keep to myself person in the world. But somehow we’re totally alike. In a weird way we just… click.

Okay. You should have the "Hey, Jake" part standing alone, and make the next part into a separate paragraph. It looks awkward the way you did it. Then, you know how you added that fragment as the next sentence? You can add that onto the sentence before, like this: This is Jacob, my best friend since, like ever. By the way: 'since,' not 'sense.' You did this a few more times throughout your writing, as well. You could do the same thing with the next two sentences: My name is actually Hailey; he calls me Hail to shorten it, since it's so long. You also don't need to italicize Hailey; we get the picture there. The next four sentences are pretty much fine, but you don't really need the 'I mean' at the beginning of that second sentence. I like the next line- I bolded it- but you could probably change those two sentences into one with a semicolon: He has a smile that can make the most depressed guy in the universe smile; I have a boring, regular smile. You need a comma in there, by the way; it kind of seemed wrong without one. I underlined the next sentence that I'm critiquing. It'd be shyest, not most shy. It would look like: I am the shyest, most keep-to-myself person in the world.

You see, my parents died in a car accident when I was six. So they took me to the orphanage.

You can change those two sentences into one with a comma, if you like: You see, my parents died in a car accident when I was six, so they took me to the orphanage.

He didn’t have a legal guardian, so they took him to the orphanage.

See how I added that comma in there? Also, you might want to add a 'too' or 'as well' at the end, since you used almost the exact same wording- 'they took me to the orphanage'- for Hail.

It’s been three years. We’re sixteen now. Somehow leaving here made us closer. We leave in an abandon house. It’s small. It’s made out of wood and the blue paint is chipped off. But it has two bedrooms; it’s cozy and its home. We love it. Right now we’re outside. I looked up at him. The guy is huge.

I underlined 'leaving'; I think that you meant 'living.' Also, we 'live' in an abandoned house, not 'leave.' You'd need 'abandoned' instead of 'abandon.' I italicized 'its'; you need it's, with the apostrophe in there. I bolded the last three sentences. The 'right now we're outside' thing seems a bit abrupt after describing the house, and you used 'looked' in the sentence after that. This is getting a bit screwy with your tenses; you might want to fix that up. You might want to try, instead of just describing the house and then going straight to where they are now, make it so that Hail and Jacob are outside, looking at the house, and you can describe the setting like that.

He’s six-two. I’m five-five. He has a lot of muscle too. I look like a doll next to him. So fragile and breakable. That is so not how things are though. “Guess what.” he asked. “What?” I asked smiling. “I found twenty bucks today.” He said taking them out of his pocket and showing it to me. “Awesome! Now we’re rich. Let’s grab are new found riches and buy a Mercedes.” We started laughing.

Okay. You might want to combine the fifth and sixth sentences: I look like a doll next to him, fragile and breakable. You also need a comma after the 'are' in the sentence after that. Now, every time someone speaks you need a new paragraph. Also, if you're going straight from the quotations into he said/she said/I said, you need to have a comma, instead of a period. Plus, after the he said/she said/I said, if you're adding extra detail, you need a comma before that. Here's what the last few sentences would look like:
"Guess what?" he asked. [question mark, by the way]
"What?" I asked, smiling.
"I found twenty bucks today," he said, taking them out of his pocket and showing them to me. [you need them, not it, since there's more than one dollar]
"Awesome! Now we're rich. Let's grab our [not are] newfound riches [newfound is one word, and you might want to use a word besides 'riches,' since you just said that they're rich; it's a bit repetitive] and buy a Mercedes." We started laughing.
Do you understand why I did all that?

We do that a lot. Laugh. He’s just so happy all the time. You’d never believe he had such a sad background. I grabbed my locket to make sure it was there. That’s the last connection I have of my parents. They gave it to me for my sixth birthday. Inside there’s a picture of the three of us. “So,” said Jacob interrupting my thoughts “now that we’re rich, what are we eating tonight?”
“Um, well, there’s still some fish left. I guess [s]I guess [/s]I could make that. Could you go buy some soda?”

Have you ever heard of 'showing and telling'? That's too much telling. You can kind of surmise that they laugh a lot; they seem like pretty humorous friends. Then the locket thing... you might want to mention that later. I understand why you did it there, right after saying that Jake had a sad background, but it just seems like a bit of a forced detail there. You might want to change up the structure of the last sentence there as well... I think it should be: There's a picture of the three of us inside. Also, once Jacob's talking, if you're just continuing the sentence after "So," you need a comma after 'thoughts,' to signify that the sentence is going on. I also crossed out the second 'I guess'; it was probably a typo.

“So you want me to stop by the crappy market ten blocks away, to buy some soda. Then you want me to walk back here, when I get back probably the soda will probably be hot, but we’ll drink anyway? Okay” he said all calm, like nothing had happened.

You might want to change up the second sentence, so it flows easier, like: Then you want me to walk back here, and when I get back the soda will probably be hot, but we'll drink it anyway? I just switched up a couple of words. Then, in the last sentence, you have to remember the comma after Okay,"; also, you might want to add a comma after 'he said,' so that it would be: Okay," he said, all calm, like nothing had happened. You also might want to change up the 'like nothing had happened' part... I get why you used it, but it seems a bit off there.

The place is really old and falling apart. But somehow Jacob and I love it. A place that we could call our own.

You might want to make the first two sentences into one, by adding a comma instead of a period. Then, you might want to be an It's in the front of the third sentence.

I scaled the fish, closed my eyes to cut the head, [comma there] and put it on the pan to start frying. Jacob loves my cooking. He [s]seas[/s] says it’s the best he ever tasted. I felt a drop of water [s]drop of water [/s] [typo] fall on my head. Oops. Looks like a [s]leek[/s] leak. Better tell Jake to fix that. He’s good at fixing things. [you could add a semicolon instead of a period between those last two sentences, but it's not required]

I'm sorry, but I have to leave now. I'll leave the rest of your writing for somebody else to rip apart, or maybe I'll come back tomorrow. I just want to say this: I like your idea, but near the middle, it gets rather slow, if you get what I mean. It's just Hail cooking dinner, and then later, when she's washing the clothes. Maybe you made it that way purposefully, so it would be a bit of a shock when she had the vision, and then made the boulder explode (that was pretty badass, by the way).
PM me if you have any questions or if you post the next part up. Keep writing!

“Hi Hail.”


“Hey Jake” this is Jacob. My best friend sense, like ever. My name is actually Hailey; he calls me Hail to shorten it. Sense my name is so long. Jacob and I are totally different. I mean, he has russet skin, I have pale skin. He has short black hair, I have long black hair. He has hazel brown eyes, I have black eyes. He has a smile that can make the most depressed guy in the universe smile. I have a boring regular smile. He could socialize with anyone. I am the most shy, keep to myself kind of person in the world. But somehow we’re totally alike. In a weird way we just… click.

Even though we’re here for totally different reasons, we understand each other. You see, my parents died in a car accident when I was six. So they took me to the orphanage. Jacob’s parents died when he was six months old. He didn’t have a legal guardian so they took him to the orphanage. There’s where I met him. When we turned thirteen… weird stuff started happening. So we ran away together and ended up here.


It’s been three years. We’re sixteen now. Somehow leaving here made us closer. We leave in an abandon house. It’s small. It’s made out of wood and the blue paint is chipped off. But it has two bedrooms; it’s cozy and its home. We love it. Right now we’re outside. I looked up at him. The guy is huge. You keep getting your tenses mixed up.


He’s six-two. I’m five-five. He has a lot of muscle too. I look like a doll next to him. So fragile and breakable. That is so not how things are though. “Guess what.” he asked. “What?” I asked smiling. “I found twenty bucks today.” He said taking them out of his pocket and showing it to me. “Awesome! Now we’re rich. Let’s grab are new found riches and buy a Mercedes.” We started laughing.

We do that a lot. Laugh. He’s just so happy all the time. You’d never believe he had such a sad background. I grabbed my locket to make sure it was there. [s]That’s[/s]Its the last connection I have of my parents. They gave it to me for my sixth birthday. Inside there’s a picture of the three of us. “So,” said Jacob ,interrupting my thoughts “now that we’re rich, what are we eating tonight?”

“Um, well, there’s still some fish left. I guess I guess I could make that. Could you go buy some soda?”


“So you want me to stop by the crappy market ten blocks away, to buy some soda. Then you want me to walk back here, then when I get back probably the soda will probably be hot, but we’ll drink anyway? Okay” he said all calm, like nothing had happened. I couldn’t help but laugh. “Just get home before dinner, okay?” I said while laughing. He smiled. “Okay.” He started walking down the street toward the market. I walked the other direction toward home. I opened the door and walked inside. The place is really old and falling apart. But somehow Jacob and I love it. A place that we could call our own. I walked toward the stove and turned it on.

it's a good story, thats all i have time for right ow, I'll come back later.

I know you aren’t going to like this, but this isn’t very good at all. I don’t know why – the prologue wasn’t that bad, grammar speaking and all – but this fell.

First off, learn your grammar and spelling. You mix up threw and through, leave and live, sense and since. When you do this, people think you’re immature. It takes away from the whole piece and makes people focus on this. You don’t want that – you want the reader to forget they’re reading, to be pulled into this world.

However, even without the mistakes the reader can’t be pulled into this world, because there is no world. Stop with the flashbacks. Live in the moment – heighten every sense and make us feel like we are right there. Why do you think you never read about someone brushing their teeth? ‘cause it doesn’t move the plot forward. Half of this stuff doesn’t move the plot forward, or it does so in a poor way. Spice it up! Add action, drama, something! Make the world come alive.

But first, read. Don’t use sentences like ‘I ran without stopping. I finally got home.’ That’s first grader writing. (Well, not really, but still.) Write like you’re older – write full sentences. Play around with the English language. There are countless things you can do with it.

And ditch the info-dumps. We don’t care about the locket – we don’t care that he calls her Hail but her name’s Hailey.

PM me for anything. And don’t fret – you do have talent (as I said in the prologue), you just don’t know how to use it yet.

~JFW1415

(Oh - and how can milk still be good if they couldn't even get soda back without it going bad?)

Nitpicks/Things to point out:

wookielover17 wrote:“Hi Hail.”

Just a general pet peeve of mine is when things start out with dialogue.
Maybe establish the setting a little first. Give us a super awesome opening line, run with that for a little while and then go into the characters and dialogue.
Also, comma after 'hi'.

wookielover17 wrote: “Hey Jake” this is Jacob. My best friend sense, like ever. My name is actually Hailey; he calls me Hail to shorten it. Sense my name is so long.

'since' not 'sense'.
Ah, so I stand corrected. The MC is a girl.

wookielover17 wrote: He has a smile that can make the most depressed guy in the universe smile. I have a boring regular smile.

Eh, I'm not too sure about this. That analogy for his smile doesn't quite work for me. It makes him sound like the most depressed guy in the universe a little. Also, what is a 'boring, regular smile'? (Put a comma where I just did).
Maybe try something like: 'He has a smile that could make the universe light up. Mine gives off the faintest hint of light.'
I think it would work better if you used the same thing to compare their smiles, like here I used light.

wookielover17 wrote: He could socialize with anyone. I am the most shy, keep to myself person in the world. But somehow we’re totally alike. In a weird way we just… click.

Well they always say opposites attract.

wookielover17 wrote: Somehow leaving here made us closer.

Where is 'here'? Is that a typo? Did you mean 'there' as in the orphanage?

wookielover17 wrote: We leave in an abandon house.

'abandoned house'.

wookielover17 wrote: He’s six-two. I’m five-five. He has a lot of muscle too. I look like a doll next to him. So fragile and breakable.

For some reason I'm starting to think of Twilight and Jacob and Bella. Big russet colored person with short dark hair, his name is even Jacob. Small pale person with dark hair and eyes that's fragile and breakable and like a doll.
Might just be my crazy delusional self, but if you were thinking of them when you wrote this, I'd be careful.

wookielover17 wrote: when I get back probably the soda will probably be hot, but we’ll drink anyway?

'when I get back, the soda will probably be hot, but we'll drink it anyway?'

wookielover17 wrote: I scaled the fish, closed my eyes to cut the head and put it on the pan to start frying.

'closed my eyes to cut the head' Huh? Why would you close your eyes to cut the head? Does it disturb her? Is she cutting off the head or is she just making a cut in it? I'd clear that up a little more.

wookielover17 wrote: He seas ((sees)) it’s the best he ever tasted.

wookielover17 wrote:where some tube that goes to the lake and gets the water into the sink. No water bill.

'where some tube goes into the lake and pumps water into the sink.'

wookielover17 wrote: My crappy and beautiful kitchen.

I liked this.

wookielover17 wrote:New paragraph here: “It’s okay. Don’t worry about it.”

wookielover17 wrote: those words were a little reashering. ((reassuring))

wookielover17 wrote: I think there ((they're)) the future because everything I see hasn’t happened yet.

wookielover17 wrote:We were creped ((creeped)) out.

wookielover17 wrote: Sense we were both going threw it, we decide to go threw it together.

'Since we were both going through it, we decided to go through it together.'

wookielover17 wrote: “So, good fish.” said Jacob breaking the silence. New paragraph here:“Thanks.” I smiled “You think it’s safe to open the soda?” New paragraph here:He smiled too. He dropped the bag when he came in so we’re not sure if there gonna blow up. “Only one way to find out.” he said. Our smiles got wider. We grabbed our cans.

wookielover17 wrote:we shrugged and took a zip.

Did you mean, took a 'sip'?

wookielover17 wrote:We decide ((decided)) moved the conversation to the couch, to be more comfortable.

wookielover17 wrote:They gave them to me [s]when I was[/s] when I was thirteen.

wookielover17 wrote:That guy could sleep threw anything. I layed down on my ancient bed that creeks every time I move.

'through' instead of 'threw', 'lay' instead of 'layed'.

Characters:
I like your characters. I feel like I know them already. You did a nice job of giving info on their past and what they look like and everything without making it all info-dumpy.
They interact pretty well, some of what they do and say gets a little monotonous.
Like I said above, their descriptions made me think of Jacob and Bella from Twilight. The plot doesn't really remind me of Twilight at all, which is good, so I don't really think it's that big of a problem.

Plot:
It's an interesting plot with the being on their own and having powers and discovering new ones and what not.
The part in the middle where they were eating and then they got ready for bed and then they slept and then they woke up and went on their merry way, got kind of boring in my opinion. Maybe cut some of that out or condense it.
My questions now after reading this chapter are: Are they on the run from someone or something? (Like is someone trying to find them and capture them?) What is their purpose for being on the run? Are they trying to find answers or are they just going along? There needs to be a point to them on their own.

-Carly

Well, you have a LOT of spelling mistakes and grammar mistakes in this chapter. I would go through it all, but seeing as you have already gotten some reviews on this chapter, I'll go straight ahead to Chapter 6. Just click edit and check spelling to change around a few things.