Bailey, one.

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ONE

The classroom smelt differently. The slight tang of Old Spice and the dull musk of a mothballed sweater were gone. A once intoxicating cocktail of scent that Bailey has learned to associate with production possibility curves and tax and demand factors had been aired out and replaced. A new smell clung to the walls, soaked into the carpet and oozed out of the windows of her economics class now. It was a room that was virtually untouched, bar homerooms, a year nine maths class and senior year economics. That meant that the phantom perfume had to entail the inevitable: a new teacher. A woman, the smell indicated. It was a faint cologne of artificial flowers, no doubt harvested into a fantastically expensive bottle. It was quite an unnatural smell for the classroom, which was supposed to smell like elderly men. The fact that it didn’t only pained Bailey as she remembered the reason why.

Her economics teacher was dead.

Trying not to recall what had happened, Bailey shook her head. She hesitated before crossing the threshold into the familiar yet alien atmosphere of her lesson. All of the students, except for one, were sitting at their desks reading something Bailey couldn’t see. Slowly, she progressed deeper into the room, eyes skimming the setting for a place to sit. Her gaze rested on the round, Mediterranean face of Nick. His wide, ebony, puppy eyes looked back at her, an emotional hybrid of sympathy, apathy, understanding and desperation beaming behind his thick lashes and pouted lips. He ushered her to the seat next to him, which Bailey graciously accepted.

Bailey had known Nick since their first day of high school. He often boasted that she was the first friend he made there, which was partially true. She enjoyed his companionship, boisterous remarks and sincere debates. When she needed help in year nine wood tech, she turned to him. And when he needed help in year eleven history, he went to her. But calling them friends was a push. They were more like polite, dependable acquaintances than anything else.

Yet, as Bailey took a chair next to Nick on that particular autumn morning, she recognised a warmth of friendship within herself.

“It’s weird, huh?” Nick asked as Bailey sat down. She lowered her books onto the table and nodded to him.

“I just,” he continued, looking towards the vacated teacher’s desk. “Keep coming to class expecting him to be sitting at his desk or writing on his board, like he used to. And it never happens, you know?”

“How long have you been back for?” Bailey asked, slightly horrified at the possibility that Nick hadn’t had any time off at all.

“About a week,” he shrugged.

“You only had a week off?”

“Maybe less, I’m not sure. The days have sort of melted together, you know? Like, I can’t remember what I did last Tuesday, if I even got out of bed, but I must have cos I have notes in my book from Tuesday.”

“Yeah,” Bailey said. “I know what you mean. All I have done for the past two weeks is mope around and cry. And today, when I asked my mum what the date was, I was shocked when she told me it was March.”

Nick smiled.

“It’s so great you’re back, Bales,” he told her sincerely. “Finally, there’s someone to talk to, someone who gets it.”

“What about Anthony?” Bailey asked, suddenly remembering the one student who hadn’t showed up.

“Nah, he’s not back yet. It really hit him hard, you know?”

“It hit all of us hard, Nick. Seeing him die like that... it was so cruel.”

The two of them fell silent as someone walked into the room. Standing in the door way, flipping through a collection of papers, was a woman that had to have been the new teacher. Everything about her screamed “fresh out of Uni”, from her high heeled leather boots to her black pantsuit and white blouse that poked out from beneath the jacket, to her smooth short pony tail of raven coloured hair. She looked strong and tough, as she would have to be if she decided to become a high school teacher. Yet, there was a softness about her, something that was evident simply in her perfume.

‘Ah,’ Bailey thought. ‘It was her perfume.’

“Sorry that took so long, guys,” the woman apologised in a peculiar, husky voice. She walked around the classroom, handing out papers to the five other students. When she reached Nick, she saw Bailey out of the corner of her eye. Looking up for a better view, her face broke into a gentle smile.

“You must be Bailey,” she guessed.

Bailey nodded.

“It’s good to see you back at school. I’m your new teacher, Miss Hughes.”

Having nothing to say, Bailey nodded once more, then turned away.

Miss Hughes slid a piece of paper under her before pacing to the front of the class room.

‘She’s going to be a problem,’ she thought. ‘That Bailey.’


I have to just say that in retrospect, I find this the worst thing I have ever written. But because it means a lot to me, I figured I'd post it so you guys can help me fix it up. Yay for dependance!

It's intended to be a heavy plot, too. Not light and bubbly like I usually go for.

So, comments?




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I am so totally in love with this right now. I like the way you build up character and give the piece personality through the small, subtle details. It's also very sensitively written. If this is really the worst thing you've ever written, you are one talented writer. It's also a good length for a chapter.

It does kind of upset me that you're intending to make this a heavy story, because I like it the way it is right now-it's soft, subtle and meaningful. It doesn't throw itself at the reader.

Overall, a great beginning!




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Hiya Loose! It's June!

Hmph. I'm not sure if it's because I've been accustomed to greeting now, or my lack of sleep, or if your writing is just flawless-- I can't seem to find errors within this.


Only this:

Miss Hughes slid a piece of paper under her before pacing to the front of the class room.


She slid it underneath Bailey? Or under herself?


I really can't find anything worthy of criticism in this, dear. Well done.

Anyway! I like the character development that's showing here. It's brilliant; we can already view their personalities, and it would be nice to see how they were before this incident.

The way you've written this seems rather realistic, Lucy. You've captured the true emotion of this situation.

Do continue this, Lucy! I want to follow along as you go! Would you be kind enough to throw a PM my way when the next chapter comes out?

...by then I should have something more constructive to say.


Well done, Lucy! I've found a new favorite story :D.

June
"I'd steal somebody's purse if I could google it and then download it." -- Firestarter




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'Twas not light or bubbly one bit. The mood captured is perfect. It has a kind of Jodi Picoult-like quality, in its evident realism. There is only thing thing I disliked: the slipping into Miss Hughes' thoughts---it didn't feel right when it had before been focused on Bailey's thoughts. If Miss Hughes is to become a pivitol character, and you would really like her to literally have a voice, might I suggest taking a leaf out of Picoult's book and giving her alternate chapters?

Nitpicks

The classroom smelt differently.

Probably correct, but personally I think
The classroom smelled different.
would be better.

A new smell clung to the walls, soaked into the carpet and oozed out of the windows of her economics class now.

I love the first part, but the rest after than first comma is over-kill.

His wide, ebony, puppy eyes looked back at her,

You want heavy plot? Cut the teeny-bop description/info-dump here.

“I just,” he continued, looking towards the vacated teacher’s desk. “Keep coming to class

Grammar, up till this point, has been superb, but here was an exception:
"I just," he continued, looking the the vacated teacher's desk, "keep coming to class

“Finally, there’s someone to talk to, someone who gets it.”

"Finally there's someone to talk to; someone who gets it."

When she reached Nick, she saw Bailey out of the corner of her eye. Looking up for a better view, her face broke into a gentle smile.

This is a bit muddled. She looked up for a better view? Would she not be higher than Bailey anyway, as she is standing and Bailey is not?

Kudos

A very accomplished piece. Not sentimental, fairly subtle, brilliant idea. You say this means a lot to you... I hope you did not experience what Bailey did. Anyhow, well gone and kudos to you for this.




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Hey Loosey Goosey!

A once intoxicating cocktail of scent that Bailey [s]has[/s] learned to associate with production possibility curves and tax and demand factors had been aired out and replaced.

Your tenses are a bit awkward in the beginning. Just get rid of that has and I think we're decent.

a year nine maths class and senior year economics

"math class", math sounds awkward with that s at the end! haha

That meant that the phantom perfume had to entail the inevitable:

Try to rid yourself of "had" and "has" and all that. It clunks up the writing, ruins the flow, and I find the use awkward here again. Instead of saying "had to entail", just keep it simple and say "entailed the inevitable".

This is a very nice beginning, beyond the few words that need to be clipped out of it. I think it's so interesting how you describe the classroom and the transition Bailey has to go through with the smells of the classroom. That is very true, that people bring different smells with them, and altering a room will change the smell. This beginning is effective in bringing me into the storyline, merely through the descriptions you use.

Her gaze rested on the round, Mediterranean face of Nick. His wide, ebony, puppy eyes looked back at her, an emotional hybrid of sympathy, apathy, understanding and desperation beaming behind his thick lashes and pouted lips.

Ooh! I really like this description.

if I even got out of bed, but I must have cos I have notes in my book from Tuesday.”

As far as I know, though I could be wrong, "cos" is slang. 'Cause is the appropriate way to spell it, though this might be a dialect thing... not sure! :)


was a woman that had to have been the new teacher.

"had to have been" ... so many unnecessary words! "That had to be the new teacher".

‘She’s going to be a problem,’ she thought. ‘That Bailey.'

Eh? I'm not entirely sure why she would think this, and I don't like the switch into the teacher's thoughts. We don't really know this woman, so I feel weird in her head.

This is a good start to the story! I like the setting you've started up, as I pointed out earlier, and it's an interesting start, as I'm wondering what's up with the dead economics teacher and all that. There was one thing I'm a little bit confused about. When Bailey and Nick spoke about taking off school for a while, I didn't connect it with the dead teacher at first... I had to pause for a moment... it seems strange that they would take off school for a week or two weeks because a teacher died. I understand that they probably took off school because they might have witnessed something traumatic, but the way you handle it seems a little too casual, like taking off for a sickness. Perhaps mention that they had to take off school for a week or two because they just couldn't deal with the school environment again, yet... or something. It was a tad confusing for me, anyway, and a sentence or two can bring clarity to the situation. :)

I can't wait to read more! PM me if you have any questions!

~ Clo
How am I not myself?




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Hey, Luc.

This is a great start to the story. I really love the subtle things you've done to characterise Bailey. It helps the reader get into it and see things through the character's eyes. That said, I do have a few things to nit-pick.

The first paragraph took me a long time to get through. I think you could cut down on it a little, because currently it comes across as a little bit purple. Establish the scene and your characters, then get into that sort of thing. Even so, it seems a little at odds with the rest of your chapter. Alternatively, you could flesh out the rest.

Her economics teacher was dead.


This. This, I love. It's the sort of thing you don't need to dress up, so just stating it is perfect.

Trying not to recall what had happened,

Yet, as Bailey took a chair next to Nick on that particular autumn morning, she recognised a warmth of friendship within herself.

slightly horrified at the possibility that Nick hadn’t had any time off at all.


You have a few really blatant examples of telling in here. Try to use actions and dialogue to show what they're feeling instead.

“Maybe less, I’m not sure. The days have sort of melted together, you know?


The "have" here makes it sound awkward. A bit too formal, I think.

All I have done for the past two weeks is mope around and cry.


The "have" makes is sound unrealistic there too. If they're anything like other teenagers, they probably use contractions a lot, more often than others.

“It’s so great you’re back, Bales,” he told her sincerely. “Finally, there’s someone to talk to, someone who gets it.”


Adverb is unnecessary here. I can't imagine him saying that in a way that wasn't sincere, in light of what happened.

“It hit all of us hard, Nick. Seeing him die like that... it was so cruel.”


Forget what I said earlier. That clarifies it. Nice, too, not giving it all away in the first few paragraphs.

That's all I have. The teacher's thought seems a bit odd, considering that Bailey's reaction wasn't strong at all. It might be seem bit exaggerated.

I love what you've done so far, though. You're always good with characters this age, so I'm looking forward to seeing where you go with it.



The adjective should reinvent the noun.
— Leslie Norris