Her First Mistake: Part 1

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Bone watched Almond’s shoes disappear through the window, and started climbing. She hoisted herself through the opening and looked around the room. It was completely silent, except for the sound of Tiny Tim and Glaze shouting outside. They were distracting Jacob Lave while Bone, Almond, Ash, and Blade had snuck in through Jacob’s open window into his room.
Almond, Ash and Blade stood waiting by the door and Bone nodded. Silently, all four of them tiptoed down the stairs, and heard Jacob’s nasally voice talking into a telephone. “Hello? Yes. There are two people in front of my house—“
“What’s he doing on the phone?” Ash whispered angrily, just soft enough not to be heard by Jacob.
“SHHH!! He’ll hear you! I’ll take care of this.” Bone held out a pair of scissors and all four of them smiled evilly.
***
Dialling 911, Jacob took the phone and looked out the window. The two crazy people were still there, shouting like mad.
“Hello? What’s your emergency?” a woman’s voice answered on the second ring.
“Hello. There are two people in front of my house, running around and screaming. They’re both dressed in all black and they’ve been here for about ten minutes.”
“OK. What’s your address? I don’t know how long it’s going to take for someone to get there. It’s quite a busy—“ the woman’s voice cut off without warning, or even a dialtone.
“Hello? HELLO!” he shouted, but at that moment someone grabbed him from behind.
***
As soon as Jacob was tied and gagged, Bone and her three friends left to the living room.
“Did he tell them the address?” Almond demanded as the door separating the two rooms swung shut behind them.
“Does it matter?” Ash asked before Bone could respond. “It’s not like they can’t track the call. The cops are probably on their way already and we’re just standing around talking.”
“That’s so stupid. How would the cops track a call? Hello, this isn’t Futurama here!”
“ENOUGH!” Bone shouted, glaring at Almond. “How stupid can you be? He’s right, and the cops are gonna be here any minute. They probably bumped up the call because it cut off.”
“Then what are we doing standing here?”
“JUST LISTEN! If the cops do come, which I bet they will, I need everyone to get this one single rule straight. DO NOT, I REPEAT DO NOT GIVE ANY NAMES! Understand?”
All of them flinched as Bone finished her tirade. They were used to this kind of thing though. Let’s just say that their leader had a wee bit of an anger problem. “Okay, okay, we get it already. Calm down.” Ash stepped toward his girlfriend and took her hands. “Everything’s gonna be alright.”
“Whatever. Just remember what I told you. Let’s go back, see how he’s doing.” Bone took her hands back and walked into the kitchen where they had put Jacob. He was still sitting there, in exactly the same spot he was, but his gag was removed. “What on earth?” Bone demanded. “Who did this?” Bone turned around, and saw her friends turning around and hightailing it out of there as fast as they could.
“Well hello there.” A deep voice said from behind her, and she turned around to see a police officer standing with Jacob.
“Uh, ok, well I gotta go. Bye Jacob!” Bone responded, but just before she could follow her friends out the front door, the man grabbed her. “LET ME GO! WHERE ARE YOU TAKING ME? I KNOW MY RIGHTS!”
“Good then I won’t have to tell you.” And with that, the cop threw her into the backseat of a waiting car. As she righted herself though, she noticed that there was a boy beside her, smiling like a crazy person.
“So, I see you’re the culprit. You don’t look like that much of a threat though.”
“Who on earth are you?” Bone spat at the boy. “I didn’t get thrown in here to get insulted by some stuck up twelve year old.”
“KARSON! I TOLD YOU NOT TO SIT BACK THERE! GET YOUR BUTT BACK UP HERE.” Bone leaned back and smiled.
“Better do what daddy says, little boy.” She said, mocking him. He glared at her and started to open his mouth, but his dad opened his door then and forcefully dragged him into the front seat.

Author's Note: So, in social class we were assigned a project for which we could use any thing we wanted to show an opinion on a question about the YCJA (Youth Criminal Justice Act). I decided to write a story, and tried to get suggestions on how to improve it from my friends, but they didn't give me much to go from. Please, be brutal in your critique! I can take it! :laughing: Anyways, thanks in advance!




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Oh, I loved this. It was really creative and funny, but it was very rushed and seemed like it took minutes to write. Try to make sure that when you add suspense that it doesn't come across rushed. That the issue most of the time. Into my review.......

They were distracting Jacob Lave while Bone, Almond, Ash, and Blade had snuck in through Jacob’s open window into his room.
Almond, Ash and Blade stood waiting by the door and Bone nodded. Silently, all four of them tiptoed


At first when I read this part it just seemed like you were listing names. I advise you to find a different way to add in the characters. Anywho, I loved their names.

The two crazy people were still there, shouting like mad.


I think it would be better as mad men at the end instead of just mad.

Okay, well, that's all of my little nitpicks. This was a fun read and I want to read more. Nice job. :D


**Mo**

P.S. I'm gonna give you a golden star!! :D
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Bone watched Almond’s shoes disappear through the window, and started climbing. She hoisted herself through the opening and looked around the room. It was completely silent, except for the sound of Tiny Tim and Glaze shouting outside. They were distracting Jacob Lave while Bone, Almond, Ash, and Blade had snuck in through Jacob’s open window into his room.



Ok you shouldn't start off with so many charter being introduced. It's just a bunch of names, and you can't picture them at all. Try to spread them out and add a little description and who they are.


“What’s he doing on the phone?” Ash whispered angrily, just soft enough not to be heard by Jacob.
SHHH!! He’ll hear you! I’ll take care of this.” Bone held out a pair of scissors and all four of them smiled evilly.



If it is soft enough for him not to here them as you stated then this line isn't necessary. One of them has to go. I would get rid of the just soft enough not to be heard by Jacob.
***
Dialling 911, Jacob took the phone and looked out the window. The two crazy people were still there, shouting like mad.



mad men I assume





.
He was still sitting there, in exactly the same spot he was, but his gag was removed. “What on earth?” Bone demanded.


What on earth is not a demand it's a statement of surprise, so pick another word like exclaimed.


“Uh, ok, well I gotta go. Bye Jacob!” Bone responded, but just before she could follow her friends out the front door, the man grabbed her. “LET ME GO! WHERE ARE YOU TAKING ME?



You bold your words to much. Tone it down a bit. Yes their yelling but it doesn't always have to be shown with bolding. Use he yelled as a tag or something like that.


“Good then I won’t have to tell you.” And with that, the cop threw her into the backseat of a waiting car. As she righted herself though, she noticed that there was a boy beside her, smiling like a crazy person.


If you want to make this realistic the cop should read him his rights. It's a law. You know. You have the right to remain silent and so on.


You never tell why these kids did what they did. You have very little detail so the reader can't picture much, and you have to many names, that because of the lack of description I can't keep track of. Outside of that this is really good, and I think with some description you will make this short story really good, and will be more effective at getting across your point because it will make it seem more real.
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Thank you so so much! I'm revising, editing, finishing etc. right now. I'll post my edited version as soon as I have time. Thanks again! :D
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Hello there!!

I'll begin by saying that the fast-paced, action style that you have here is very engaging, and keeps the reader interested, but di try to make sure you don't rush the story too much, because you have such a brilliant idea.

The characters are a bit confusing, a point which I think was made before-there are lots of names, and it's easy to get a bit confused and forget who you are reading about

All in all, though, a great idea, with lots of originality behind it.
Brilliant!!
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indigochild1991 wrote:Hello there!!

I'll begin by saying that the fast-paced, action style that you have here is very engaging, and keeps the reader interested, but di try to make sure you don't rush the story too much, because you have such a brilliant idea.

The characters are a bit confusing, a point which I think was made before-there are lots of names, and it's easy to get a bit confused and forget who you are reading about

All in all, though, a great idea, with lots of originality behind it.
Brilliant!!


I agree when with what she is saying about being confused by so many characters. O ther than that, I like it!! [:




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indigochild1991 wrote:Hello there!!

I'll begin by saying that the fast-paced, action style that you have here is very engaging, and keeps the reader interested, but di try to make sure you don't rush the story too much, because you have such a brilliant idea.

The characters are a bit confusing, a point which I think was made before-there are lots of names, and it's easy to get a bit confused and forget who you are reading about

All in all, though, a great idea, with lots of originality behind it.
Brilliant!!


I agree when with what she is saying about being confused by so many characters. O ther than that, I like it!! [:




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Hehe, I just thought I might put this in here!
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