Lost and Discovered Ch. 2

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Chapter 2

“Alvr why don’t tell us first?”

“Alright, M’ Lord. So here’s what happened…

Judging by the position of Nyx and Erebos, it was just after sunset. I was just putting Crissiphone to bed when the doors burst open unexpectedly. There, silhoutted against the doorway, was a knight dressed in black armor, face covered with a helmet marked with the symbol of an Elemental. What they were doing outside of the Unknowns was mysterious to me. Pulling out my prized weapon from under my cape, I stood ready to battle the intruder. In one swift movement I found myself on the floor. The knight was then standing above me, one foot rested upon my stomach. Leaning close to my ear and talking in a steady whisper, he said, “Give me the girl or my blade shall run through you and your master.”

Shivers ran up and down my spine. For some reason that voice was so familiar even though the helmet created a more rumbling sound, confusing me. Glaring straight into the bright blue eyes shining through the mask I asked, “Only my family knows the secret on how to kill an immortal! How could you possibly know how to make the Miakm?” The reply I got was,

“Simple really. I could have known in a couple of different ways. I have spies that are related to you, and I’m related to you.”

That’s when it hit me. This man was actually a woman! Darkhalm was the only one who didn’t like people knowing her real gender. I knew Darkhalm was related to me somehow, but my memory from back before I was banished was so unclear. The other reason why I knew it was Darkhalm was because the knight and a small group of other people in my family, including me, had eyes that shone brightly like that. Of course when I was banished my eyes changed, but that's a different story.
Before I could say anything else, Darkhalm threw me into the wall right behind the thrones across the room, and thrust the sword through my chest. Luckily though it was my right side not my left. While blood spilled down to the black and gold marble floor, as well as onto the ivory throne of Persephone’s. Darkhalm chuckled quietly as she left the throne room. I began to fall unconscious, my last sight was of a trail of blood following Darkhalm’s wake, and more blood seeping onto the bottom of the bone infused throne of Hades.

And that was all I can recall my lord.”

“Thank you for the information Alvr. Gonesthan, now it is your turn.” said Zeus.

TBC
Last edited by Shadow_Thief13 on Fri Apr 04, 2008 7:58 pm, edited 2 times in total.
By the Gods... Please let inspiration strike me! (Just in a non-violent way O.o)




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Interesting. I notice that you use the name Crissiphone in everything you write. Something different would be good.

On to your actual writing.

What they were doing outside of the unknowns was very mysterious to me.

Wouldn't unknowns be capitalized? And instead of saying very mysterious to me, it would be better as: What they were doing outside of the Uknowns was a mystery to me.


“Only my family knows the secret on how to kill an immortal! How could you possibly know how to make the Miakm?”

Make the Miakm? Wasn't she just talking about destroying one? I thought this line confusing...


I couldn’t remember if Darkhalm was a boy or a girl because he or she has a fraternal twin brother or sister.

I think you're just complicating things giving this villain a possibility of being a man or a woman. It would be better if the gender were clear.


“Simple really. I could have known in a couple of different ways actually. I have spies that are related to you, and I’m related to you, duh.”

The duh thing doesn't really fit in with the rest of it. It feels like a medieval story, and then this just confuses the reader.


So it was the ‘duh’ that gave me the answer.

Should cut the duh.


Darkhalm chuckled quietly as…uh…guess I’ll go with he…so, as he left the throne room.

You ruin the serious tone with this line.


Also, I didn't like how this was all one person telling another person. I think it would be better if you just make it what's actually happening.

Overall, a good addition. Needs some editing, but it's not bad.




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I'm agreeing with KJ. You have loads of mistakes. And grammar and rough spots. Please read over and over until you think you've got everything and leave the rest to us, I guess. But in time I think this will be a good piece. Just practice and stuff. Anyways, good luck.

D7M

Remember ST practice is the key to greatness. 8)
Just like Time we must move with it.~Me




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Thanks you two! I check reveiws pretty often so...I've taken your advice, and changed things here and there. Please R&R more!

Thanks,

ST :twisted:
By the Gods... Please let inspiration strike me! (Just in a non-violent way O.o)




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Grrrr. Stop rushing , Girl!!! Concentrate on one thing fist then move on! Make sure everyhting fits too!!! Don't keep posting random things!

Remember to work hard, and check it!

Death



"Storybooks and roleplays are just for fun!" To which I say: of course! But why only "just"? Sometimes fun is found in the full-send. Sometimes fun is found in taking it seriously, and aiming to do it with excellence!
— soundofmind