Ahoy Insanity #1

17 posts1, 2
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 6400
Reviews 497
Author's Note: This is just a side project I'm working on, half because I'm stuck with Ten Years, Twenty-Eight Days and half for NaNoWriYe. It'll be fairly short, I'm only planning on it being a novella. The first two chapters are meant to introduce the two main characters. A lot of questions will be answered later, so be patient.


1: Carolina

The world is fucked up, Carolina Smith thought as she sat down in her second period math class.

She rested her head on her thick orange Geometry textbook, her chocolate brown hair falling forward, shielding her face like a curtain. Inside, she nursed her wounded pride, dressing its wounds for the millionth time. It was Friday -- another week down, another week survived. Carolina mentally calculated how many more until she could graduate and hide in the attic for the rest of her life.

She lost count at 113 and groaned.

Why must people I never interact with and never get to know hate me so much? she asked herself in frustration, her blood boiling. Further rage was contained by the late bell ringing proud and true at ten seconds off 8.45. It did this every weekday that was not a holiday or summer, winter, or spring breaks.

Carolina lived by these bells. During the 54-minute segments of class time between each, she was safe under the watchful eye of teachers. But there were six minutes and a half-hour of lunch time that she was vulnerable.

God bless shortcuts and the library.

Mr. Hanesworth, the closet homosexual (with a secret penchant for watching his male students closely) and highly incompetent Geometry teacher, stood up at the front of the room to try and call the class to order. Carolina rolled her emerald eyes and glanced at the clock and the seat next to her. It was three minutes into the class; he would show up any minute --

As if on cue, Trevor Jones walked in just as Carolina noticed the correlation between the time and his empty seat. She swore internally, wishing the oversized thug would have chosen that day to ditch.

She wished that a lot.

The Neanderthal, should-have-graduated-two-years-ago student sat down in his seat, grinning stupidly at Carolina, who averted her eyes. She turned to a blank page in her notebook and started a mad session of doodling, trying to shut out the insults that she knew were coming.

“Hey, stupid,” Trevor shot at her. She bent her head lower and pretended not to hear him.

At least he’s original, Carolina thought dryly.

“What, stupid, can’t talk to me?” he drawled, placing special emphasis on the word “talk.” “Too good to talk to me? Or is it a… p-p-problem?”

Carolina wanted to snap at him, to tell him to shut up, to give him what for. Words, phrases, sentences of rage bubbled in her head, itching to burst forth.

She knew better than to try and give them voice, though. Her cheeks flushed as her self-hatred grew.

“Whassamatter, can’t speak up for yourself?”

No. No she couldn’t.

Mr. Hanesworth finally wised up to what was going on at the back of his classroom and snapped at Trevor to quiet down and pay attention thank-you-very-much-I-don’t-appreciate-disrespect-from-you, and then he was off on another deluded rant for which he was legendary. There was a quiet but collective groan and each and every student lost interest, turning to their own methods of in-class entertainment.

Trevor lost interest in his prey and laid his head down for a nap. Carolina glanced around to make sure no one was paying attention, at least to her, and scooted her desk back to the wall, spending the rest of the period quietly crying into her sleeves.

During passing period, she fled to the most abandoned bathroom she could find and tried to say her name.

“My-my-my n-na-na-nam-name i-i-i-is C-C-Car-Caro-Caro-Carolina Sm-Smith,” she said through the tears, before drying her eyes and making a mad dash for History.

-------------

Author's Note: Yes, I know Carolina's speech is annoying. You clearly haven't ment Clyde from TYTED. I'm going to kill him one day, honestly. He doesn't even have a speech impediment, the lazy arse bugger... *runs away ranting and chasing Clyde with a butcher knife*
"2-4-6-8! I like to delegate!" -Meshugenah
"Teague: Stomping on your dreams since 1992." -Sachiko
"So I'm looking at FLT and am reminded of a sandwich." -Jabber




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 83957
Reviews 1464
Razor! May I have your permission to read your work? Well, I'll take that as a yes. ^_^

The Neanderthal, should-have-graduated-two-years-ago student, sat down in his seat, grinning stupidly at Carolina, who averted her eyes.


The comma after "Carolina" doesn't need to be there.

Wow, poor Caroline. :( Me and my good-hearted nature wanted to help her so much. :cry: I shall smite Trevor! :twisted: Smite him, I shall!

Anyway, very good job. There were no grammar problems at all. :D I'd be honored to read the next part. ^_^

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!
I make my own policies.




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 40
This was really good and I enjoyed reading it. I couldn't really find anything wrong with it besides a few commas that shouldn't have been there. I look forward to reading the next part, keep it up!

-Joel-
@(^_^)@




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 85
This was awesome. I can totally feel for Carolina. I have one nit-picky thing though.

Why must people I never interact with and never get to know hate me so much?


This doesn't flow real well to me. Try rephrasing it.

I really liked this part:

“Hey, stupid,” Trevor shot at her. She bent her head lower and pretended not to hear him.

At least he’s original, Carolina thought dryly.


:D Hee hee, I can SO relate to that.

Sorry for the short critique, but I hope it helps. I can't wait to read the next chapter.

Nariel
It's the very witching time of night.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 2476
Reviews 119
I haven't found anything to critique in this except so common grammar errors but thats no problem Easy fix! Great story Keep up the good writing
3 facts: 1.You can't lick your elbow
2. you just tried it
3. I caught you cause i saw you




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 13389
Reviews 260
*gasp* Another story from Razor! Must read!

I love your first sentence, it's a great hook into the story.

The narration constantly made me laugh, you did a great job with your narrative voice (as usual). "At least he's original"XD. And even now, at the beginning of the story, I can identify with your main character, and the rest of the (admittedly small at the moment) cast has plenty of individuality.

For critique...
Carolina glanced around to make sure no one was paying attention, at least to her, and scooted her desk back to the wall, spending the rest of the period quietly crying into her sleeves.

I'm not exactly sure where she was in the room before, or even of how scooting her desk back will help her, but in any case, she's moving her desk. I know the teacher's supposed to be out of it, and the class doesn't pay attention to her, but relocating one's desk still sounds like... something other people would notice. Eh, I dunno. *shrugs*

Anyway, great first chapter, I love it.
"The world is not beautiful, therefore, it is." --Kino's Journey

Hey, how about a free review?




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 516
Nice. I liked it.

Mr. Hanesworth, the closet homosexual


Random fact, it took me three times to realise that it was closet, and not closest. Also, I think you shoul say a closet, instead of the.

At least he's original, Carolina thought dryly.


First of all, that was so funny! But I think she should think it sarcastically, not dryly. It would make more sense. How can you think something dryly?

Apart from that it was really cool. I'll go and read part two now.
*Don't expect to see me around much in the next couple of weeks. School has started again, and it'll be a couple of weeks before I've settled in. If you've asked me for a critique, you will get it, but not for a little while. Sorry*




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 3362
Reviews 225
Ooh, I loved it.

...

No, really. No changing here.

...

Eeeexcept that "8.45" should be "8:45".

And chocoholic, "dryly" is a word, look it up. :P

~Aet
man hands on misery to man
it deepens like a coastal shelf
get out as early as you can
and don’t have any kids yourself.

Legacy signature:
dun worry
it's all gun be k




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 516
Aet, I never said dryly wasn't a word, I just don't think you can hink something dryly.
*Don't expect to see me around much in the next couple of weeks. School has started again, and it'll be a couple of weeks before I've settled in. If you've asked me for a critique, you will get it, but not for a little while. Sorry*




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 6400
Reviews 497
Dryly is basically synonymous with sarcastically, Choco. ;)

And in answer to your question about part 2, all will be answered in the next chapter. ^^
"2-4-6-8! I like to delegate!" -Meshugenah
"Teague: Stomping on your dreams since 1992." -Sachiko
"So I'm looking at FLT and am reminded of a sandwich." -Jabber




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1373
Reviews 270
The world is fucked up
nice description words but very plain perhaps change it to "pretty damn fucked up" , Carolina Smith thought as she sat down in her second period math class.

She rested her head on her the thick orange Geometry textbook, her chocolate brown hair falling forward, shielding her face like a curtain. Inside, she nursed her wounded pride, dressing its wounds for the millionth time. It was Friday -- another week down, another week survived. Carolina mentally calculated how many more until she could graduate and hide in the attic for the rest of her life.

She lost count at 113 and groaned.

Why must people I never interact with and never get to know hate me so much? she asked herself in frustration, her blood boiling. Further rage was contained by the late bell ringing proud and true at ten seconds off 8.45. It did this every weekday that was not a holiday or summer, winter, or spring breaks.

Carolina lived by these bells. During the 54-minute segments of class time between each, she was safe under the watchful eye of teachers. But there were six minutes and a half-hour of lunch time that she was vulnerable.

God bless shortcuts and the library. You've yet to say why she's hated, I'm assuming that its coming soon.

Mr. Hanesworth, the closet homosexual (with a secret penchant for watching his male students closely) and highly a incompetent Geometry teacher, stood up at the front of the room to try and call the class to order. Carolina rolled her emerald eyes and glanced at the clock and the seat next to her. It was three minutes into the class; he would show up any minute --

As if on cue, Trevor Jones walked in just as Carolina noticed the correlation between the time and his empty seat. She swore internally, wishing the oversized thug would have chosen that day to ditch.

She wished that a lot.

The Neanderthal, should-have-graduated-two-years-ago student sat down in his seat, grinning stupidly at Carolina, who averted her eyes. She turned to a blank page in her notebook and started a mad session I love the wording of that of doodling, trying to shut out the insults that she knew were coming.

“Hey, stupid,” Trevor shot at her. She bent her head lower and pretended not to hear him.

At least he’s original, Carolina thought dryly.

“What, stupid, can’t talk to me?” he drawled, placing special emphasis on the word “talk.” “Too good to talk to me? Or is it a… p-p-problem?”

Carolina wanted to snap at him, to tell him to shut up, to give him what for. Words, phrases, sentences of rage bubbled in her head, itching to burst forth.

She knew better than to try and give them voice, though. Her cheeks flushed as her self-hatred grew.

“Whassamatter, can’t speak up for yourself?”

No. No she couldn’t.

Mr. Hanesworth finally wised up to what was going on at the back of his classroom and snapped at Trevor to quiet down and pay attention
thank-you-very-much-I-don’t-appreciate-disrespect-from-you,
Huh? and then he was off on another deluded rant for which he was legendary. There was a quiet but collective groan and each and every student lost interest, turning to their own methods of in-class entertainment.

Trevor lost interest in his prey and laid his head down for a nap. Carolina glanced around to make sure no one was paying attention, at least to her, and scooted her desk back to the wall, spending the rest of the period quietly crying into her sleeves.

During passing period, she fled to the most abandoned bathroom she could find and tried to say her name.

“My-my-my n-na-na-nam-name i-i-i-is C-C-Car-Caro-Caro-Carolina Sm-Smith,” she said through the tears, before drying her eyes and making a mad dash for History.


This was good, I liked your colorful word choice and style. But I'm not too fond of Carolina yet, you didn't put much description of her in there and why she is hated. The only thing I got from the end and Trevor was that she stutters.

As a novel I wouldn't put it down here I'd just scratch my head and go "what's going on?!!!" and hurriedly turn the page to figure it out. But thats just me, some people would put the book down because they were confused. You might want to think on that one.
I just lost the game.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 25
I really liked this! I get so mad when the main characters don't speak up, even though I understand why she hasn't, because I know I'd up and start punching this Neanderthal person in the gut. But hey, that's just me. :D Some parts of it, where there is description, such as her 'emerald eyes' seems kind of a forced way to describe what she looks like, like you just randomly inserted it because you decided that we needed to know what she looked like.
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
-Dr. Seuss




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1040
Reviews 44
I can sympathize for Carolina but if some on said hey stupid that probably wouldn't get to me. But i can see where the speech impediment would be hurtful. i really like it and look forward to reading the rest!
Some people call me the space cowboy




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 32885
Reviews 2058
he world is fucked up, Carolina Smith thought as she sat down in her second period math class.
If this is the first thing your reader is going to see you may want it to be less angsty and teenage cliché you know? You want a really darn good line for a beginning.

he rested her head on her thick orange Geometry [s]text[/s]book
try to slim things up, you know?

her blood boiling
cliché

Carolina rolled her emerald eyes and glanced at the clock and the seat next to her.
I tried to ignore this with Chocolate Brown, but it really bothers me? Emerald--you just throw it in, and though it doesn't break the flow, it's just bam and really... I don't know. I've never been sure how to add in character traits, haha, I tend to just not do it. I mean, do what you want, but it bothers me.... Of course I'm incredebly up tight. Not to mention I think this sentence is kind of uselessly full. Maybe at the second and you could just start a new sentence.

“What, stupid, can’t talk to me?” he drawled, placing special emphasis on the word “talk.”
The italics already say that he put emphasis on it, so, yeah.

to quiet down and pay attention thank-you-very-much-I-don’t-appreciate-disrespect-from-you
Hahah, I love this. That's a great way to explain it. Fabulous.

to make sure no one was paying attention, at least to her,
To make sure no one was paying attention to her.


This is really beautiful, because you catch the emotions just right. I liked in an awful lot. The only thing I suggest is starting later. The beginning is kind of blah, why should I care and read on? You want to catch you reader. Honestly I think you could start with "Hey, stupid" and if you dragged it out a bit more, and added in more of the thoughts from above in between the dialogue, it would be a lot better. It's good, but a bland beginning can loose you readers.


I look forward to the rest!
“It's necessary to have wished for death in order to know how good it is to live.”
― Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 104
Hey, Razorblade! Yay for this bit. I have wanted to read something of yours for quite a while, and now I finally have an opportunity.

At least he’s original, Carolina thought dryly.


So, there've been quite a few comments about this sentence. Dryly, sarcastically... I don't really think it matters which you use, but honestly I wouldn't use either. Adverbs can be nasty little words, and I think we get that she's being sarcastic without you saying so.

She rested her head on her thick orange Geometry textbook, her chocolate brown hair falling forward, shielding her face like a curtain.


Carolina rolled her emerald eyes and glanced at the clock and the seat next to her. It was three minutes into the class;


I grimaced when I read these. The first is not as bad, but the second description of Carolina's "emerald eyes" is very clichéd. It's usually better if you spread out your physical descriptions throughout the story. It makes it better if the reader gets to discover things about her gradually. Besides, you don't want your reader concentrating on her looks before you've really begun to reveal her personality.

A cool thing:

Ah! The stutter was a complete surprise, especially with her internal dialogue so full of dry wit. Very nice work. I think that was an effective way to make the reader like her very quickly.

I'm off to read Chapter Two!

Hope this helps,

Haley
Check my new and improved blog:

weblog.php?w=764

[/shameless plug]



You, who have all the passion for life that I have not? You, who can love and hate with a violence impossible to me? Why you are as elemental as fire and wind and wild things...
— Gone With the Wind