chapter 1

"A.J hurry up and get in the car! We are going to get caught." Amber shouts from inside the car. "Soooo who cares I'm having tons of fun" A.J slurs out with a sly smile on her face. "ALISSA JEWEL LAWSON!" amber shouts. "Okey dokey" A.J says then giggles. Once A.J is in the car amber turns to A.J and asks " what did you do drink a gallon of that stuff?" By this time the effect is wearing off of her. "Oooh I don't feel so great." "I bet you don't, well it will all be better by tomorrow. Kay?" A.J gazes out he window as thoughts race through her head. "I'm not so sure about my life anymore or who I am, what is my purpose in life. Is this how my whole life is going to be like?" A.J thinks to her self. A.J were you even listening to a word I just said? Guess not well anyways I want you to come to the cafe this sunday theres going to be this totally hot party there you better come." A.J just nods still thinking to herself trying to shut the rest of the world out.



When amber drops A.j off at her house A.j sneaks into the house so she won't wake anyone. Then she rushes to the bathroom and pukes up everything she had even drank or eaten that night. As usual there is some blood. A.j always hates her life even more when ever this happens. "Gosh when is this ever going to end" A.j sobs out. She cleans everything up then takes a shower to sooth her hurts and her so she can stop thinking. After her shower she goes to her room and lays down on her bed she stares at the ceiling for a few minutes but she is tired and is asleep within seconds.



That sunday she goes to the cafe amber is out on the dance floor with logan her boyfriend. She thinks he is a butt kisser and a class A jerk but he is one of the guys in her group and she would not dare tell him that. Josh comes up and ask A.j if she wants to dance she turns him down flat,maybe she just not in the mood today. Later on Chris decides he likes A.j a little more than he has ever liked another girl and starts to put the moves on her. "Stop that chris I'm not into interested" she says calmly. "But I thought you liked me" he slurs out. "Oh great he is drunk just what I needed" A.j mutters. "I do like you but I don't like what you are doing." Well what he says next shocks her so much it makes her mad. "But girls like you like this kind of stuff so come on lets do it" chris slurs out. She turns to him so fast he almost falls over. she pokes her finger in his chest and with a red face she says " well maybe I'm not that kind of girl so no lets not do it." she turns quickly and runs from the room and leaves everything she knows and all the noise and heads out into the dark and stormy night.



hey this is chapter 1 I still can't figure out a title if you think of one please let me know I'm open for suggestions.[/code]

Heya, Erin! Welcome to YWS- I haven't seen you around before.

SOME BORING GRAMMAR STUFF:

Most readers and critiquers will love you forever if you just press 'return' after a person finishes talking. It tends to bother people- if you format your stuff properly, they'll concentrate more on characters and plot and the good stuff.

I'd personally recommend getting a style guide, such as Strunk and White's. Why? Your punctuation's a bit off. It's no big deal, easily fixable...but incorrect punctuation is another thing that'll make critiquers eat you. And that's not a good thing, honest. Here's a paragraph straight from the text, edited a bit:

"A.J, hurry up and get in the car! We're going to get caught," Amber shouts from inside the car.

"So! Who cares? I'm having tons of fun!" A.J slurs out with a sly smile on her face.

"ALISSA JEWEL LAWSON!" Amber shouts.

"Okey dokey" A.J says then giggles.

Once A.J is in the car amber turns to A.J and asks, "What did you do drink a gallon of that stuff?" By this time the effect is wearing off of her.

"Oooh, I don't feel so great..." she moans.

"I bet you don't. Well, it will all be better by tomorrow. Kay?" A.J gazes out he window as thoughts race through her head.

See? Much prettier, even though I only had to press a few buttons- commas after clauses, commas at the end of dialogue, and returns after new speakers begin to talk. Easy-peasy.

...and see how you've not been eaten alive?

SETTING: This is a pretty serious story- heavy partying is a bit of a taboo and causes quite a bit of social shock and scandal. That's why it's important to not only exhibit your characters in dialogue, but in what they're doing as well. This'll also bring out where you stand on the topic.

So! What is Amber doing as she waits for AJ? Is she painting her nails? Biting them? Checking her watch? How does AJ walk? Is she gracefully swaggering? Or is she running into streelamps?

Adding more background details is good because it sort of pads the parts in between dialogue. Since dialogue is usually pretty rough, since it's supposed to reflect what real people sound like (note: reflect, not mirror), it's nice to have some good details in there so your piece isn't choppy. Also, it's quite nice to have a setting to put your speakers in- otherwise, they're just sitting in front of a greenscreen in your readers' minds.

If you want some more tips on this, check out Elven Maiden's post on this thread:

http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?t=13275

___

Well, good luck! I hope you continue this piece- I think it's really good, actually. Once you really let your characters shine, you're going to have an involving and realistic story.

Feel free to PM me if you've got any questions.

Ah, yes, Sam is totally right. It look so, so much better when you have correct punctuation, good grammar, all that. It looks so much better to just hit 'return' after a person speaks. I learned how to appropriately paragraph in the ninth grade, so this is what I always say to people: When you're paragraphing you do it like a camera, which will shift from one person to another as they speak, or as the image changes. So every time somebody talks, or the image changes, you press 'enter' (or return) and that does it for you!

Another thing to keep in mind is spelling, punctuation, and consistency. If you say 'AJ" toward the beginning, don't change it to A.j. toward the end. A.J. or AJ will do just fine.

As to the content of the story, yes, the setting *heavy partying, etc* is pretty intense, but you have to um, do some research first. Depending on the person, a few shots of hard liquor will do it for them, or a couple bacardis, (I've known a couple people who it takes six or so bacarids to knock them out; me, it takes two), or a few beers, but a gallon....a GALLON? Of ANYTHING, will knock you straight out; you'll be puking and gagging and throwing up and even if your body manages to purge you off all of it in time you'll probably STILL get alcohol poisoning. Besides that, it's impossible to measure by 'a gallon' or such. You could say, "I can't believe you had *insert number between 4 and 6* beers" or "I can't believe you drank the whole thing of vodka" or something like that. My point by all that rambling shmiel is to research your party scenes before you start writing for them. Research, research, research...!!!!

At the same time, you've done a few things right. Somehow I am vastly interested in this AJ, also I think that's quite a nice name (it's my boyfriendly type person's name hehe) I mean I'm going to go back and read the prologue for this, I'm quite curious. So you've somehow managed to snare me. Just take Sam's advice and mine and...that should do it?

maybe there is something I missed...I really don't know...

But! Good job so far! Everybody has to start somewhere and as you continue to write your own individual style will develop, and that's more fun than anything.

There's nothing I can say that hasn't been said already, but it was pretty good. The ending was my favorite part, and I'm wondering what happens next. There were some capitalization errors, but all in all, you've a great story.

Sam touched point on the grammar, and Misty mentioned the other points, so I'm left without much new stuff to say. I agree with Misty because I'm left wanting to know more and find out more about this A.J. How old is she? Where does she go at the end? What happens next? I'm asking more questions about this character than I have any character in a while. Maybe your next post could be a bit longer? I really want to know more about her.

And what about Amber? What happens to her? What's she like? Above all, what happens next? I'm very much looking forward to your next post in hopes of answering at least a couple of these questions. I think this is really good, and become really great if you went back and touched it up a bit. Once again, I can not wait for your next post!

~*Dreamer*~

Ah, I noticed something new when I was ruminating on your story in my bedroom (yes...I really was). Her name is Alissa Jewel, but her nickname is AJ. Alissa Jewel is extraordinarily girly, and AJ is a masculine name...we come up with a really cool medium like I haven't seen in awhile.

"A.J. hurry up and get in the car! We are going to get caught." Amber shouts from inside the car. "Soooo who cares I'm having tons of fun" A.J. slurs out with a sly smile on her face. "ALISSA JEWEL LAWSON!" Amber shouts. "Okey dokey" A.J. says then giggles. Once A.J. is in the car Amber turns to A.J. and asks " What did you do drink a gallon of that stuff?" By this time the effect is wearing off of her. "Oooh I don't feel so great." "I bet you don't, well it will all be better by tomorrow. Kay?" A.J. gazes out the window as thoughts race through her head. "I'm not so sure about my life anymore or who I am, what is my purpose in life. Is this how my whole life is going to be like?" A.J. thinks to herself. A.J. were you even listening to a word I just said? Guess not well anyways I want you to come to the cafe this Sunday there's going to be this totally hot party there you better come." A.J. just nods still thinking to herself trying to shut the rest of the world out.

There are a lot of punctuation and capitalization errors in this. Also put spaces in between the lines where one character stops talking and another starts. It makes it more organized and easier to read.

When amber drops A.J. off at her house A.J. sneaks into the house so she won't wake anyone. Then she rushes to the bathroom and pukes up everything she had even drank or eaten that night. As usual there is some blood. A.J. always hates her life even more when ever this happens. "Gosh when is this ever going to end?" A.J. sobs out. She cleans everything up then takes a shower to sooth her hurts and her so she can stop thinking. After her shower she goes to her room and lies down on her bed. She stares at the ceiling for a few minutes but she is tired and is asleep within seconds.

Again a lot of capitalization and punctuation errors. Also there are places were new paragraphs and sentences should be started but aren't.

That Sunday she goes to the cafe where Amber is out on the dance floor with Logan her boyfriend. She thinks he is a butt kisser and a class A jerk but he is one of the guys in her group and she would not dare tell him that. Josh comes up and ask A.J. if she wants to dance. She turns him down flat, maybe she just not in the mood today. Later on Chris decides he likes A.J. a little more than he has ever liked another girl and starts to put the moves on her. "Stop that Chris I'm not into (remove into?) interested." she says calmly. "But I thought you liked me!" he slurs out. "Oh great he is drunk just what I needed." A.J. mutters. "I do like you but I don't like what you are doing." Well what he says next shocks her so much it makes her mad. "But girls like you like this kind of stuff so come on lets do it" Chris slurs out. She turns to him so fast he almost falls over. She pokes her finger in his chest and with a red face she says " Well maybe I'm not that kind of girl so no lets not do it." She turns quickly and runs from the room and leaves everything she knows and all the noise and heads out into the dark and stormy night.

Again punctuation and capitalization, and places where sentences and paragraphs should end. Also I added "where" in the first paragraph, I think it completes the sentence.

I thought that this was pretty good. Reread before you post things so you don't have as many punctuation and capitalization errors. The good thing is I didn't find any spelling errors! This story seems like it rushes though. Try slowing it down and describing the characters, and what the car and cafe look like. Otherwise I thought that it was very well written. I really like the ending!