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Raechell (Part 1)



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Fri Sep 29, 2006 9:15 pm
ConformandObey_ItsFun says...



Sudden malaise jolted my eyes open quickly. All I could concentrate on was the unbearable pain. My skin was ardent and sweat began breaking out all over my body. Every faint sound made it feel as though my head would explode. I craved something, but I did not know what. My mind was racing with blurred images, but all I could remember clearly was a scream—not my own.
“Blood.” Came a scratchy voice. “That’s what you need.”
I tried to argue. What a demented thought. My mouth opened, but my dry throat would not let a single syllable out.
“It’s no use. You need blood. Come, I’ll help you find your first wretch.” He said calmly as he held out his bony, white hand. “I won’t bite. I swear. Well, you, at least.”
He smirked. I studied his sunk-in features. I didn’t trust him. From his black, empty eyes, to his jagged voice, which hurt my head more than anyone could ever fathom.
“You don’t believe me.” He stated, somewhat annoyed. “Must I explain everything?”
I stared cold and blankly at him. He sighed.
“My name is Aldemar. Aldemar Meiere. And I turned you. You are my child. A creature of the night.”
My eyes must have widened, because I saw a small hint of amusement on his face.
“I’ve helped you. Don’t you see? You no longer have to live on the street worrying how you are to get another scrap of bread.” He started as he led me down the foggy, midnight street.
We waited outside an old pub. A man walked out, clearly too drunk to notice we were even there. He strangled the lone man from behind and handed the limp body to me. “Drink. Before he wakes up.” He demanded.
I would have loved to refuse, but the blood in his veins was almost calling to me. I sank my teeth into his soft skin. I finally knew what I was craving.
He continued. “Blood is all that you will require. Money will be of little interest from now on, I can assure you.” He watched me as I drained the life out of the whiskey basted man. “Do you understand what I did for you, Raechell? Or do you prefer Rae?”
It all came back. He screamed to me. At me. My name. My head sprang up in pure fear.
“YOU KILLED HIM, DIDN’T YOU!?” I shouted, amazed to see that my voice had recovered.
He smiled a satisfied smile.



~~*~~


This is when I would always wake up. It was the same every time. It had been years. Too many to count. Well, maybe not too many, but I had stopped counting, anyway. Everything and everyone I have known and loved had been gone. For at least a century, I’m sure.
This dream woke me up at least once a week. I had two dreams that would reoccur. That was one, and the other was of my parents. And my brother. My dear, sweet brother, Alexandre.
I could see them so vividly.


My mother—frantically trying to find a proper place in which to hide me. And my brother—running to assist my father in protecting the family from the hoards of people.
“You stay in here. I’ll be back for you when it’s safe.” My mother said calmly as she placed me in the coat room.
“Mom!” I half screamed at her, but it was too late. She was gone—helping my father and my brother.



I never saw any of them again. Rioting people show no mercy to anyone in their ways.
The only vivid memories I had were the ones in which I had lost someone I’d loved. After dwelling upon these memories I found I needed fresh air. So, I went for a walk.


The darkened streets did not scare me as they did when I was a child, for I had been living in them since I was thirteen. And also, I was a creature of the night. What would it say about me if I were afraid of it?

My mind was filling with all my past misfortunes. Damn immortality! I thought.
Just then someone bumped into me. No one was usually out at this time of night. We stared at each other, our eyes throwing silent insults back and forth.
“Move.” I commanded boldly.
She stared. She was larger than I was, by at least three inches and thirty pounds, maybe more. Stupid mutt! I thought.
She still stood there. Staring. I was growing impatient.
“I said move!” I stated loudly. She moved reluctantly.
“Dumb dog,” I muttered. “I should inform the catcher. We don’t need any damn strays walking freely.”
She glared, but did nothing. I might pay for that later, I thought. Werewolves, Lycan, Homo Lupus, or whatever they want to refer to their mangy, stray selves as, were a threat, but not one I feared. They were the last things going through my mind at that moment.




I found myself at a pub. Not a very becoming place for a lady, but I had been a lady far too many years. I walked in. Silent. My cold gaze looking for my next victim. There he was. I sat in the corner—watching. Waiting. Stalking.

A few men made obscene comments at me or in my direction. You can never tell if they are talking to you, or themselves when they are drunk. You’re next, I thought, I’ll be back for you. All of you. The world had no use for drunks. Especially these ones. I was doing the world a favor.

After my first taste of blood, I preferred the alcohol flowing through the veins along with it. It would ease me and make me forget my troubles. I suppose I was no better than them. Drinking to forget my sorrows. But I had hundreds more years of sorrow I wanted to forget, than they had. Besides, I knew how to control myself. I doubt that they did.
Just then, the man stood up. He was leaving—and so was I. I followed him silently. He was a large man in build. He would be hard to take down, oh, but worth it.
“S-s-see ya laterrr, Drrrrraakke.” Slurred a voice from the pub.
At that moment I tripped and fell. Damn it! I scolded myself in my mind. I was sure I would lose him now that he knew I was behind him. But then he walked over to me.
“Oh, miss, are you alright?”
Clumsiness worked to my advantage at times, I suppose.
I had him exactly where I wanted him. I made sure to hold myself close to him as he helped me up. I was about to strike when I saw someone. I paused. His back was silhouetted.
“Miss, be careful. You shouldn’t be out so late.” Drake tried telling me.
I ignored him. I let him leave. I stood staring at the silhouette. It looked all too familiar.
“Matisyn.” I thought out loud in a whispered tone.
He began to turn around. I turned to mist and I disappeared as quickly as I could. My imagination was getting the best of me.


I reappeared in an ally, where I began kicking crates around.
“Damn it, Rachel. He’s dead. Get over it! Dead!” I yelled at myself in half a sob.
Just then I heard a noise. I looked up. A girl was sitting there. Watching. She had red hair and gold eyes. There was fire in those eyes. She was not just a girl. We stared at each other for a long while. She looked as though she was suffering her own self. I looked at her, then the ground. My own suffering was overwhelming enough. I didn’t need hers. With that I left.


~~*~~


“Astor.” I called to my bird as he flew to perch on my shoulder. “I’m going insane.”
My companion seemed to look at me as though I were actually insane. I stared back.
“Will you still perch upon my shoulder after I have become completely mad?”
Astor ruffled his silver feathers. He had stayed with me through the years; through hundreds of years. He was the only possession my parents had left behind. He seemed to feed off of my immortal life, somehow. And I knew if I died, he would as well.

“Let’s get some shut-eye, Astor.” I said in an annoyed tone. “I haven’t had dinner tonight. Let’s rest before the hunger gets the best of me.”

I sat him on his perch next to my bed and blew out the candles.

His eyes were set on me. He was completely silent, though the silence spoke louder than any words I had ever heard. I smiled slightly. His illustrious emerald eyes were fixed upon me, and mine upon him.

The room was warm; the light of the fire lit his face. I was not used to such things anymore. It had been years since I was able to stay warm inside a house. He had never been on the street. We were opposite, but so much the same.

His eyes seemed much older than his young face appeared. I tried to soak in every detail. I tried to speculate his thoughts. Though I knew if I ever did figure out the thoughts going through his mind, I would never understand them. So, I was silent. We were silent.

A long hush filled the room. I began to speak.

“Matisyn, I...” I began.
He intervened.
“Rae,” He started, with my nick name, the name only he called me by, “Shhh.”
He brought his finger up to my lips gently. I smiled softly and he kissed me tenderly on the forehead. For the first time since I was a child, I was truly happy.

Then suddenly he was gone. I heard him scream my name. I saw him lying on the floor, blood seeping from the corners of his mouth. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t speak. That’s when I blacked out.


~~*~~
__________________________________________________________________

*Alrighty, that's all for now. I'll put some more up later. Hope you guys liked it! Critique is much appreciated!*

*This story is a project for my Creative Writing class that I am writing with my friend, Rosethorn. Not all characters are my own. Matisyn Krushtoff is Rosethorn's original character. If you would like to hear Matisyn's side of this story, go read what Rosethorn wrote! Thanks!*
Last edited by ConformandObey_ItsFun on Fri Oct 06, 2006 8:40 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Manda Michell
______________

"Why give up? Why give in? It's not enough. It never is."
  





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Mon Oct 02, 2006 6:33 pm
jumping_jacks142 says...



its good i really like it but i am wondering.... how did she know that that one girl was a WereWolf? or whatever...
  





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Tue Nov 07, 2006 12:03 am
rosethorn says...



Hahah. Okay dear, you've waited long enough. Now let's get down to business. Please know that, however close we are, I do not intend to spare your feelings.

First you should note that Raechell's character seems to be overplayed. Yes, I understand she is a badass but you seem to take every opportunity to try to amplify just how tough she is. I don't particularily like that because she becomes somewhat annoying through the story. You seem to pride her on being "insane" or "nuts". But there is little evidence of this. She does not hold the sort of intimidating aura that you'd expect from someone who is insane. She just seems rather lonely and maybe a little confused. She may seem to be hardened by what the past holds but I would try to tone her down a bit. As Matisyn's creator, I have a feeling he wouldn't fall for her in her present state.

Ahem. That's my critique for now. I'll do more as time goes on but I wouldn't want to overwhelm you. Hope this will suffice.

As always,

POKE
  





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Tue Nov 07, 2006 12:49 am
Icaruss says...



Ahem. OK, first of all, before going into this deep, could I please, please urge you not to use CAPS when people are shouting. Ever. I mean, yes. She must be very angry. Those are very big letters. But they're really annoying to the reader. I mean, we know she's shouting. I guess the caps make her seem agryer, but a "she shouted, loudly", would've really been enough. It diminishes the whole feel of your work. Makes it seem less... I don't know. Neat? I don't know. But it looks ugly.

SHE MUST BE REALLY ANGRY! BECAUSE SHE IS SCREAMING SO LOUD.

No. Maybe itallics would've worked though.

Overall, however I enjoyed that opening scene. It set the story. The mood. But then it was ruined by the caps.

Another thing that you should work on is, if you're narrating in first-person, then you really should've have her saying: "Blah, blah, blah, I thought." If she's the one narrating, she doesn't have to inform us what is it that she's thinking. She just has to say it. Because, in a way, we're listening in at what's she's thinking while this stuff happens to her. This way, the flow is much faster an entretaining.

The plot, I guess, is your strong side. Its interesting, and I want to see how it plays out, but sometimes the way it is narrated seems stale. A bit bland. Take this part, for example.

“Matisyn, I...” I began.
He intervened.
“Rae,” He started, with my nick name, the name only he called me by, “Shhh.”


Sometimes, you don't have to spell everything out for the reader. I have come to find out that a dialogue is much more effective if its bullet-paced, faster. The reader knows he intervenes, because Rae never finishes the sentence, and the man speaks over her. It just seems rather pointless to say: "He intervened." Before having him talked. Maybe if he would've intevened with a hand gesture, or clearing his throat. But announcing that someone is going to speak, before it actually happens? I don't know.

But really, these kinds of stories are not my cup of tea. And there was some good stuff in this story, I'm just pointing at some of the things you need to maybe work on. Anyways, keep writing.

And, goodbye.
there are many problems in our times
but none of them are mine
  








cron
In any free society, the conflict between social conformity and individual liberty is permanent, unresolvable, and necessary.
— Kathleen Norris