Young Writers Society

My note: All of below is the diary entry of one of my favorite characters ever to come out of my head, seriously! The reason I started to write it was a professional playwright told me was good at dialog, the way people spoke and things like that so I decided to write in first person for once. Tell me what you think, and enjoy the every lovely Mage.

Chapter 1: From Sweaters, to Cavemen, to Kung-Fu

Dear Diary,

I am Mage, Mage Ella Thomas. Mage is my real first name; how original. Just to warn you: I am a very blunt person. But I’m also very, umm how do I put this nicely: I’m extremely forgettable. My grandma gave me this diary, so I can get all my blunt thoughts on paper! Yeah! No that’s not what she said, she told me to, and I quote “Let my feelings roll out of me like beans on a slippery plate.” Wow, grandma, that was deep. Do beans even roll? And where did the whole slippery plate come from? Probably from Mars of something like that.

I, Mage, have dark red hair, which is straight. Wow, I stand out in the crowd huh? I also have hazel eyes. *Music begins to play* Announcer dude: Here she is Miss America *Mage walks out then very unsurprisingly they send her back and get the real winner* Wait, did I just say winner, more like celebrity to 5 people for like 5 minutes, me not included. So those feelings are really rolling like beans now, huh? Gosh why couldn’t grandma just get one of those odd smelling lumpy sweaters that itch everwhere, even places where the sweater isn’t.

Overly sarcastic,
Mage


Dear Diary,
Hey, guess who? Ding, Ding, Ding, that’s right it’s me Professor Loser. Yes, today’s lesson here in How to be a Loser 101 is “Yeah, just let her step on you.”
I let freaking Angela “Angel” Miss Popular Tinkleram step on my arm! How did she become popular with a name like Tinkle flipping ram! It’s TINKLERAM! Where did that last name come from? Like when the cavemen were picking last names did this happen:

“Angel’s” ancient ancestor (AAA): I need last name
Caveman president (CP): What favorite animal?
AAA: Me likes to eat rams
CP: Pick word, and make it odd like Uranus or Guacamole
AAA: I choose Tinkle
CP: Good choice, you know Ugh Tinkleram

*Laughs at the word Uranus* Yep, I’m sure the cavemen played Mad Libs to pick their names, a there was obviously a cave man president. I mean come on; I read it in my history book.

Now back to my true story. I was at my locker and I happen to drop my pencil, so I reached down like humans do. Then, ol’ Tinkleram walks past and steps on my arm! How is that even possible? My arm wasn’t flat on the ground nor does it blend into the stupid tile flooring. The worst part is she didn’t say she was sorry!

Class dismissed,
Mage



Dear Diary,
Yawn. Are you bored? I am. If you haven’t noticed I have taken you to school and passed you off as a notebook. Math is boring.
Tinkleram is looking at me oddly. Or, maybe, just maybe, she noticed my bruise! Nope, she looked away. Mr. Ranbread is looking at me oddly, too! Have I come down with small poxes? Am I purple? Are there amazing flying ninjas behind me? Or am I noticeable today? I have better chances with one of the first three.

BORED…BOREDNESS…BOREDY…BORED…BORED…BORED…

Life sucks. Now I sound emo. Great.

Yeah, you just keep on droning Mr. Ranbread. Just flow with it. Yea, this might be a record. Your doing great. Just let it roll out of you beans on a slippery plate. Yeah, that’s right, beans. Be one with the beans… or the slippery plates… pick one, either or, doesn’t matter, go on pick.
I wonder why one of the ninjas hasn’t dropkicked me, yet. Maybe Billie is fending them off with her amazing Kung -fu! She read that. Billie wants me to tell you who she is. Billie is a Kung-fu master. Billie leave my diary alone! Back to what I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted. Billie is a Kun-fu master, and she is my best friend. She speaks five different languages including the language of the goats: Goatanese. Yes, Billie, I’m sure my diary knows I’m being sarcastic!

Leaving before the Ninjas get me,
Mage


Dear Diary,
Wow… Tinkleram and her friends have really out done themselves. It’s only September fourth, and they already match. I’m in science with all four of them. But, thank [insert the figure you worship here] May and Chaz are here to save me.

They are all wearing pick skirts, some type of white top, and either black or pink high heels. Chaz says Billie, May and I should dress alike. I asked him if he would like to join us and he pointed out he might have trouble matching us girls.

Chaz is my male friend or as I like to call him, my malend. His real name is Chester, but everyone, minus the teachers and other authority figures, call him Chaz. May is my other friend. My blonde, overly happy but secretly depressed friend. Chaz would like me to tell you diary, that he finds himself very hot. Sorry, he is hot. Oh yeah, totally. Your one sexy beast Chaz! Great now he is singing that respect song. I’m sorry Chaz, you’re right, I should respect my diary.

Mrs. Tips is looking at me oddly. Gosh, why is everyone looking at me weirdly! My malend calls her Mr. Tipsy, because she looks like a man and often acts a bit drunk. He’s creative, huh? The Tinkleram gang is giggling. What is so funny? I’ll ask Chaz. He says that she is Tinkleram, why else would she be laughing unless it was at someone else’s faults. Hey, Tinkleram, what the [insert common swear word here]! Do you find Chelsea Ringwood’s wrong answer interesting? Chaz finds rock music interesting. May finds sewing interesting. I find you last name interesting. Oh, snap!

I find you interesting,
Mage


Dearest Diary,
I love Billie! I love May! They are awesome! *does a dance for friends* Chaz gets neither a heart nor a dance. I give him an angry face. He didn’t talk to me in the hallway. Billie and May did. This is the only class that I don’t have with a friend so they have to speak with me before, so I don’t feel as lonely. Chester has broken a rule; he is enemy number two for the day! I shall punish him by… um doing stuff.

The Billseter tells me Tinkleram has fired another one of her friends. She’ll be looking for a new one. Guess who ain’t going to the casting call? Yours truly. Yeah, I think I’ll stay at home and have a life. Sounds good to me.

The Chester is about to get what is coming to him in:
5… 4…3…2…1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Revenge is sweet,
The Mage

End of Chapter 1! Tell me what you think, please!

Haha, that was great! I loved the whole thing, it drew me in right from the start!

Nothing wrong with it; I like the whole diary thing. I've never done something like that before...maybe I should try it someday! ~_^ Post more soon!

Thanks, Broken Wings! I'm glad you liked it!

Heh i love that i especially love the part about the Ninjas heh that made me laugh. A few mistakes here and their but overall good.

Thanks!

I hope this is a little more informative.

A story has some logical progression to it. There is a beginning, a middle, and an end in a story.

One of my favorite books is "Absolute Normal Chaos," by Sharon Creech. In her story, she tells it using a girl's diary. Every entry tells a story that relates to something further in the story. We keep looking forward to what's next.

I think you're trying to turn a blog post into a story. The foundations of a story are the same. It is in a blog format right now, it must change to a story format.

Generally, we set out some goals for a chapter. One example is:

Chapter 1:

-Introduce Grif
-Grif gets told to go to the grocery store
-Grif gets to the grocery store
-Grif interacts with the cashier
-Grif sees a poster for "JOIN THE SPEW COMMANDOS"

This is a list of things that are going to happen.

Chapter 1- Your objectives:

-Introduce protagonist and diary
-Introduce antagonist
-Introduce minor characters

It's a little clearer on how this story is organized.

You did a fair job introducing the protagonist, the character was present. With the antagonist and the minor characters, you did a weak job. The description of the antagonist was very superficial at best. Where is the mutual disgust? Some dialogue like "I'm sorry, I didn't see you lying on the ground," would make the antagonist so much more hateable!

For minor characters, we have her three friends, Chaz, May, and Billie. Chaz is introduced as a hot guy. May and Billie have no introduction. Mage makes references to them, but we don't get it, since we don't know their characters.

You're trying to make things funny. I want you to make them cohesive. Focus less on the jokes and more on the characters. You can throw in a joke after you establish the characters.

I think some conflict needs to be introduced that we can look forward to. Not "Chad is public enemy No. 2," -this is too short term. It could be as simple as cheerleader try-outs.

I have an additional suggestion: insert dialogue into your diary. Write down conversations between the characters. This way, you show the character instead of telling us about them.

This critique is harsh, but I think your story will be better after these changes.

I,uh, didnt read the piece in it's entirety, I was just wondering if the title is meant to be "Something to Maul Over?" It sounds as if that should be 'Mull' ...

Then again maybe I should read the actual story.

Well, I did say I'd read it, you know; and I meant to sooner.

I'd have to ask same as Jig -- meant to be 'maul', meaning to attack/batter/mangle? Or is it 'mull'?

As to the diary, 'twas amusing in itself. It would be excellent background for any character, and it might even work as an interjection. If it were inserted between some story/action, it would be a contrast...or it could be.

Does this character have a story - action, plot, odd things happening and conflict? I am curious; seems it would be a quirky one.

And you do have an ear for someone's informal diction--in writing, diary-form. I don't know whether dialogue precisely as you'd have to have it written within the story rather more to tell. ^_^


IMP