Young Writers Society

*removed*

Daina had been sleeping, or more accurately trying too.

The first comma should really be after 'or' and you need a comma after 'accurately' I believe those are called appositives.

She slipped on a pair of slippers, grabbed her cell phone [no comma] and [comma] on a whim[comma] her father's pocket knife and crept to the bottom of the stairs.

another appositive.

Well, less errors this time, but I still don't like your wordiness. You also use a lot of appositive and really long sentences and confusing words. It makes for a hard read. Try to remove the bulk; seriously, it'll make everything sound better. I'm not saying dumb it down or anything just make it simpler. There is no need to make it so complicated, if you can say the exact same thing and cause the same emotion(or quite possibly, cause more emotion) if its written simply.

Just a side note, I'm all the way into chapter two and I still don't know what your story's about. Ok, yes, I know its about Sawyer liking this girl and he won't back off. But why? And how does this effect Sawyer? And how does this effect Diana? And why are you writing about it? You'll often here that stories begin with change. What changed to warrant a beginning? You might be saying "Well the plot comes in later" or, "I need to get to it first, this is just the beginning to ease them into it" or what not, and if that is what you're saying, then no. You start when the story happens, the change. Not to say I don't like your story, its a good one, this is just something to watch out for that might cause problems later, or cause readers to loose inter rest.

The change is that of a changed attitute--Sawyer's decision to act on his emotions. I don't know if you've realized yet, but Sawyer is not right in the head; his obsession borders on dangerous. Also, consider these first two chapters to be the calm before the storm...And I will try to avoid being overally descriptive. Thanks a bunch for your critiques.

Cameron

Green = Comment/Correction
Black = Review

*

Outside, a cool breeze entered her window and she tried to settle into a state of drowsiness but her mind resisted, a lifetime of thoughts forcing themselves upon her—as if some subconscious level of her understood some element of consequence that her conscious self could not yet discern.

... a lifetime of thoughts forced themselves upon her ...

Crunch

I’m not too sure on ‘sound affects’. You could add she heard a crunch rather than stating the crunch.

I’m assuming Sawyer and Daina are college students. Why does she go down in the first place? You have to think from her point. If you were a girl, who was considered a beauty, would you go down to meet someone who made you feel ‘violated’ just by them staring at you? Why didn’t she instead speak to him from the safety of her room?

Be a little realistic and you could do well.