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Young Writers Society


A practice piece



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Reviews: 43
Tue Aug 01, 2006 10:51 am
Supermal says...



This is just the first chapter of a story I've sort of worked on in the past, not anything serious, but I've still revised it a bit and I'd just like some input on what people think of my writing. :)



CHAPTER ONE

It was a hot, smoky September day. It was the first of September, and Kaulkee Secondary School had just opened for another year. The smoke was from nearby forest-fires and was causing a lot of problems for people with asthma or any other sort of breathing difficulties.

Small groups of friends entered the school, reuniting with their school friends, telling stories of their summer vacations and happenings and catching up with one another excitedly, marveling at how much one other had changed.

“Ugh, it’s disgusting,” Ariel Schmidt said, looking up at the freshly painted school, “The red, yellow and orange, fine, but throw in the blue and it’s disgusting!” She was walking alone. She had a few friends, but they had all wanted to walk with their other, much ‘cooler’ friends.

She herself had changed a lot from the previous year, where she had been rather gawky and unfit. Ariel had came back home just days before from a trip to California to visit relatives that had lasted the entire summer. She had spent most of the time playing volleyball in her aunt’s backyard, causing her to get into shape, and her skin to take on a tanned, European glow. She grew a few inches, but not enough to really be noticeable. She was cursed to always be of average height.

Ariel was often mistaken to be as old as (at the most) twenty-two, far older than her fourteen years. She had hit puberty at a younger age than most which had resulted in a more mature image by age twelve. Her mind was also further along than others her age. Although Ariel suspected this year would be no different where her grades were concerned- in that they were always a disappointment to her mom.

Ariel entered the school and said hi to a few casual friends as she walked to the gymnasium.

“Oh, hey Ariel,” a girl said from beside the bleacher Ariel was sitting. She was wearing baggy black cargo pants, a white tank (which did nothing to compliment her shapely figure), a studded black belt and red tie. Ariel winced at her outfit slightly, but the girl didn’t seem to notice.

“Hi, Marley. How was your summer?”

“Oh great! I met a whole bunch of guys who are like eighteen and we became really good friends- we spent most of the time playing basketball and stuff,” Marley replied, giggling, “Well, I’m going to sit over with Dominique and Stephanie, they’re so cool!”

Ariel frowned and she nodded, “You go do that.” She didn’t bother to mention all her cousin’s friends she had become friends with, who were between twenty-three and twenty-five. The girl walked away, tying her scraggly, mousy brown hair into a thin pony-tail as she went.

Marley had begun to really annoy her lately. She was trying to hard to be so ‘cool’ and made such a point of being different... By copying someone else’s style. Marley hadn’t even bothered to ask Ariel how her summer went.

She pulled out her favourite novel from her back-pack and began to read.

A few other friends came to sit with Ariel as the gym began to quickly fill up. They sat giggling about a boy who sat a few rows down.

“Do you think he’s hot?” a girl named Amber with very straight, dark brown hair and small dark brown eyes asked.

Most thought that Amber was anorexic because she was so thin, but Ariel knew otherwise. She just had a good metabolism and a small stomach. Amber was very quiet and pretty much a follower of her two best friends.

Ariel looked up at the boy. She knew him to be in the eleventh grade. What was his name again? Terrence? He was memorable as the tallest boy in the school, as determined by a contest on Spirit Day.

“He’s alright, I guess,” she replied with a slight smile and shrug, “Not really my type, though. Too lanky.” Ariel preferred guys not too tall.

“You’ve got to stop thinking ‘bout Kyle,” Alexa said, speaking of Ariel’s previous boyfriend which had been a serious nine month relationship which had an ugly ending and an even uglier aftershock.

Alexa was the tallest in their grade, standing near six feet. She had wavy brown hair naturally, but it had been bleached blond and straightened, and her clear brown eyes were overshadowed by thick, softly arching brows.

“Really,” another girl named Raven added with a sneer, “He’s such a jerk.” Raven was the least smart of the three and tended to be rather rude.

All three First Nations girls were wearing tight, low slung jeans and matching polo shirts in blue, yellow and red.

The trio were never seen apart. Though Ariel was close friends with each of them, they never just hung out with her alone, they always had to be together.

She just forced a smile and shrugged.

The ceremony ended and everyone went to retrieve their new class schedule’s. Ariel compared her schedule with the others to see if they had any classes together and found that they did, but not until last period.

“See you guys later,” Ariel said with a smile, waving to her friends. They all waved as they went in the opposite direction. Ariel made her way through the hoards of teenagers towards the stairs and up to her first class, Social Studies with Mr. Knivry, groaning at the way everyone just pushed past her, as though they didn’t know the meaning of manners.

Finally, she made it into the room, seconds before the bell rang. She took a seat near the middle of the room, between a boy who had been in her class all the way through elementary school and in two classes the year before, Gyles, and girl named Mary whom Ariel had been in Physical Education the year before with.

Gyles was physically fit, the result of four years of break dancing and it was obvious he had again spent the summer in Mexico with his parents and older sister, Myriah, as his clothes had taken on an ethnic quality and his skin had darkened, his dark brown lightened. His black eyes scanned Ariel as she took her seat.

Mary was a rather average looking teenager, straight, bleached hair, normal body type, dark blue eyes, one of which was slightly lazy. She looked no different than the year before.

“I love your skirt, Ariel!” Mary said with a smile, beckoning towards Ariel’s knee-length brown beaded skirt with a fitting waist.

“Welcome class,” Mr. Knivry said at the front of the room in front of a whiteboard. He was tall with graying, light brown hair, steel gray eyes and a slight beer belly. Everyone murmured unhappily and slightly groggily. Ariel just sat back in her seat with a sigh. Unfortunately, Ariel wasn’t very good at school, but she enjoyed it, most of the time anyways. Social Studies was always interesting.

Mr. Knivry introduced himself and then went around the room learning each of our names and doing attendance.

Just as he reached the last person, someone knocked at the door sharply.

He excused himself and went to the door. Ariel leaned over in a useless effort to see who was at the door. She groaned and relaxed back in her seat, pulling her binder from her bag and laying everything out on the desk before her.

“Yo, do you have a pencil?”

Ariel turned around and looked at her inquirer. A rather large gangster type First Nations boy named Daniel was glaring at her.

“Don’t you have your own?” Ariel asked, trying not to sound rude, but failing slightly.

“No,” Daniel snapped.

Ariel sighed and passed him her extra, then turned back to the front. Bored, she pulled a black notebook from her bag and began to write. On the cover, written in gold was ‘Ariel’s Journal’. At least fifteen minutes later, the Mr. Knivry finally returned. Ariel didn’t even look up, only continued writing.

“Well, we have a tardy newcomer,” he said, his voice carrying a slightly angry tone, “He has just moved here from California and has never visited here before, but from I understand knows someone in our class. ”

Ariel suddenly looked up in dread. Standing at the front of the room next to Mr. Knivry was a tall boy with a slight frame, wearing a gray hoodie with the sleeves rolled to his elbows and slightly baggy, stonewashed jeans. He looked quite older than fourteen, also. His short black hair was spiked slightly, the very tips dyed a dark blond. Light, crystal clear gray eyes landed on Ariel, who’s jaw dropped.

“Ross,” she murmured under her breath with a groan. His thin lips spread into a crooked smile and he waved. Ariel slapped a hand over her eyes and slid down in her seat with a groan.

“His name is Ross Reynolds,” Mr. Knivry said, “Will you please take a seat?” he pointed to an empty seat in front of Ariel. Ross wove his way through the desks until he got to his seat.

“Hey, Ariel,” Ross said, smiling as he slid off his back-pack and sat down. Ariel glared back at him.

“Now that we have that settled, why don’t we get started,” Mr. Knivry said, smiling, “I’ll hand out our class plan for the year and then we can make sure everyone has what they need.” As he went to his desk and began handing out papers among the students, Ariel straightened in her seat and leaned across the desk.

“What are you doing here, Ross?” Ariel whispered darkly, “You didn’t tell me you were moving here.”

Ross turned in his seat and looked at Ariel, “Well, hello to you, too.” He chuckled, now grinning.

“Why are you here?” Ariel repeated, glaring at him.

He shrugged casually and stole a glance at the teacher to make sure he wasn’t about to yell at them, “Well, you see, my parents wanted to get me away from California for a while, give me a sense of... Normalcy. I looked around on the Internet and found some wonderful pictures of here and showed them, in hope of helping them realize that it would be the perfect place.”

Ariel crossed her arms over your chest, “Well, I hope you realize that you’ve ruined all chances of me having a normal life, now.”

“I know,” he said with a sickly sweet tone of finality and turned around in his seat.

Ariel’s breathing suddenly became labored and she looked down at the paper Mr. Knivry had passed out. It outlined what the class would be learning throughout the year.

Canada’s history sounded a lot less interesting than the tale of Viking warrior’s, the fall of the Roman Empire, the Dark Ages and the Renaissance as they had learned the year before, that was for sure.

“As most of you will have learned last year, the Viking’s were the first to discover Canada, aside from the First Nations. This year, we will be learning more about Christopher Columbus’s discovery of Canada and how it became a true country,” the teacher said in a rather monotone voice, “Many will find it uninteresting, but it is important to understand the history of your own country. Does anyone have any questions?” No one raised their hands. Ariel sighed deeply, trying to calm herself and concentrate on the what he was saying.

The teacher discussed the course a while longer, than handed out locker numbers and combinations.

“Ariel Schmidt,” He called. Ariel stood and went to Mr. Knivry’s desk. He handed a sticky-note to her. She went back to her desk and looked at the paper.

#362
21-05-34

“What did you get?” Mary asked, leaning over, “I got 353.”

“362,” Ariel replied nonchalantly.

“As I’m sure you will have noticed, everyone is in the same general area. Same as last year,” Mr. Knivry said, standing up from his desk, “This makes it easier on everyone.”

Ross turned around and looked at Ariel, “Will you help me find my way around, Ariel?” His eyes took on a puppy-dog look.

Ariel smirked, “I’m sure you can find your way around perfectly fine.”

“You know this guy?” Mary asked, sticking her thumb out at him, “How?”

Ariel shrugged, “My family knows his. We met when I visited my aunt and uncle this summer in California.” Mary nodded and started to flip through her binder. Ross winked at Ariel and turned back to the front. She groaned and banged her head on her desk.

“Why me?” she muttered. Mr. Knivry continued talking about the course and school rules and what was planned for the year.

The class ended and Ariel raced out of the room down the hall to her locker, followed, much to her disbelief, Ross and the strict old fart of a school councilor, Mr. Kiles, whom everyone called Mr. Kills.

“Miss Schmidt,” Mr. Kiles said stonily, his hands folded behind his back, “Mr. Reynold’s has informed us that you two knew each other previously.”

Ross grinned at her, his eyes twinkling with mischief, “Yes, we do, Mr. Kiles.” Ariel sucked in a deep breath and folded her arms across her chest protectively.

“Well, we have arranged for the both of you to be in all of the same classes for the first semester in order to help Mr. Reynold’s here to get used to the environment. Is that alright with you, Ms. Schmidt?”

Ariel bit her cheek to keep from snapping back and forced a smile, “Yes, sir. I’ll try.”

Mr. Kiles handed Ross a small yellow post-it and walked away without a number.

“361,” Ross said, looking down at the paper, then looked up at Ariel’s locker number, “Oh. That’s right next to yours. What a coincidence.”

Ariel ripped her locker open and threw her binder and book bag in.

She turned to Ross, her eyes burning, “What are you doing here? What happened to your plans in California.”

“Well, while school’s in, there’s not much I can do, anyways, right?” Ross said as he twirled his combination, “My family will return there for the summer.” Ariel grabbed the binder for her next class and slammed shut the locker door.

She turned to Ross, her eyes stone cold, “Listen, Ross. I made the choice not to be a part of that so I stayed here. I don’t appreciate you showing up and ruining my whole life.”

Ross raised an eyebrow and peered at her, “You’re whole life? Wow, I must really be awful.”

“You are,” Ariel said and stormed off down the hall. Ross hurried up and followed her.

“You have to show me where our next class is,” Ross said, grinning as he caught up to her. Ariel sighed, and continued to walk. Ross stumbled after her, looking around in amazement.

“What?” Ariel demanded as she saw his expression out of the corner of her eye. She stopped and looked at him, her hand on her hip. She stared at him accusingly.

Ross shrugged, looking anywhere bit at Ariel, “Well, this place is sort of... Small compared to my last school.”

Ariel smirked, her expression laced with sarcasm, “You want to move back? The solitude of the Driftwood too much for you? Please go right ahead, no one here will miss you.”

Ross just smiled innocently, “Ariel! Don’t say such lies!”

She just groaned and jogged upstairs.
~Michelle~
Who needs friends when you've just bought a brand new pen?
  





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493 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1040
Reviews: 493
Tue Aug 01, 2006 7:34 pm
Misty says...



Who does need friends, really? Lol--I prefer #2 pencils myself though. As always, if you have any questions or comments PM me.:)


THINGS YOU DID WELL

“What are you doing here, Ross?” Ariel whispered darkly, “You didn’t tell me you were moving here.”

Ross turned in his seat and looked at Ariel, “Well, hello to you, too.” He chuckled, now grinning.

“Why are you here?” Ariel repeated, glaring at him.


Okay, now it’s unfortunate you didn’t make THAT boy native, THAT is something a native guy would say. Possibly. (how can you ever really know, though?) This is good. The dynamic between Ross and Ariel is good. There’s chemistry. I like it.

Ariel crossed her arms over your chest, “Well, I hope you realize that you’ve ruined all chances of me having a normal life, now.”

“I know,” he said with a sickly sweet tone of finality and turned around in his seat.


YES!!! Finally a good bit of intrigue! Also, “sickly sweet” is an excellent way of putting it. Very poetic, and I can just imagine the look on his face.

Ariel’s breathing suddenly became labored and she looked down at the paper Mr. Knivry had passed out. It outlined what the class would be learning throughout the year


labored is an excellent word.

Canada’s history sounded a lot less interesting than the tale of Viking warrior’s, the fall of the Roman Empire, the Dark Ages and the Renaissance as they had learned the year before, that was for sure.
Ahhh…you make me chuckle. 


THINGS THAT COULD USE A SECOND LOOK

It was a hot, smoky September day. It was the first of September, and Kaulkee Secondary School had just opened for another year. The smoke was from nearby forest-fires and was causing a lot of problems for people with asthma or any other sort of breathing difficulties.


Is there any other way you could reword the last sentence so it doesn’t sound so awkward?

Okay, having your main character talk to herself? A bit on the odd side…

“Oh, hey Ariel,” a girl said from beside the bleacher Ariel was sitting. She was wearing baggy black cargo pants, a white tank (which did nothing to compliment her shapely figure), a studded black belt and red tie. Ariel winced at her outfit slightly, but the girl didn’t seem to notice.
Is it really necessary to explain the details of a random character’s outfit? Remembering, of course, that every word you use is money on the printer if (and when) your story gets published.

All three First Nations girls were wearing tight, low slung jeans and matching polo shirts in blue, yellow and red.
Welll I’m First Nations and I couldn’t decide whether to take offense at this or not. By the entire scene really. The thing with First Nations is that…they just aren’t like that. The way you described I mean. First Nations people (on the whole) aren’t liable to “sneer” or bleach their hair blonde, and God knows we would NEVER wear matching polos and low slung jeans. You’re way more likely to see us in basketball shorts and long tank tops. So…I would seriously consider revising this. You can defend yourself by saying that you’veseen girls like this, but it doesn’t matter. If someone who is Native American says it could be possibly offensive, even if it seems a little ludicrous, you should change it. Also, the phrase “least smart?” Baaad idea. Not a good idea. Nope. It sounds…sort of juvenile, to begin with, and the flow is bad. But to call a native girl “least smart…” I just wouldn’t do it.

“Yo, do you have a pencil?”
I really can’t critique you on your native american skills, can I? Because you obviously attend a school with native kids, (probably next to the rez, like me) and this is how they act. Fine. But I wouldn’t categorize the person specifically as First Nations (over here we still call it Native American, or just plain native), especially in a gangster formatting.


GENERAL OVERVIEW

Okay, you started out a little bit slow and I had to question the way you so quickly categorized natives. But you added a bit of well-needed intrigue toward the end, while still giving the story an air of normalcy. At that, we can hardly help but wonder who this mysterious Ross fellow is, and what he has to do with Ariel. At first, I questioned the fact that you made your main character so very dull and seclusive, but now that’s working to her advantage. So, kudos. Good writing experiment, or whatever you will.
  





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43 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 43
Thu Aug 03, 2006 1:28 am
Supermal says...



I'm sorry if the whole things with the first nations girls offended you. If it does sound like I'm trying to make First Nations sound really stupid or anything, I'll change it. I did actually base those three girls on some of my old friends (they're not really my friends anymore) and they were like that.
I wanted to add a lot of First Nations into the story because I want the town the story's based in to obviously be up north, where I live. I didn't want to seem racist or just plain rude and I'm sorry I offended you. Two of the three girls were raised by white parents (one was adopted and one is in a foster home), so I think that had a lot of impact on their style and mannerisms, you know? I have no clue about the other though :? And the three girls always used to wear matching outfits, just in different colours. Track-suits, skirts, and even polo shirts and low-slung jeans.
I'm thinking I'll change those characters and add a very nice First Nations more like one of my current friends? She's nicer and not so naiive. I think she'll like that I'm basing a character on her in one of my stories, too :D She's also an author. I think it was my dislike for those girls that was showing through, you know? I think I'll keep the boy in Ariel's class though, just because he's based on another boy I know and I think it'll add to the story, but I'll show that not only First Nations are like that.
And yeah, I live up in the North of Canada where nearly everyone I know is First Nations, and that's what they prefer to be called.

Onto the rest of the story, thanks for the compliments :) I know that one part with the random detailing was a bit off, I'm trying to figure out how to portray the girl without all of it. The entire story was like that before I revised it :P I have a major habit of overdescribing.
~Michelle~
Who needs friends when you've just bought a brand new pen?
  








“It doesn’t matter what you are, it only matters what you do. It’s your choice.”
— Sam Winchester