z

Young Writers Society


Hollow Memories (Prologue)



User avatar
277 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 6070
Reviews: 277
Mon Jul 24, 2006 7:56 pm
Black Ghost says...



Prologue

Clarissa was dreaming.

She lay on a blanket in the center of a beautiful meadow, golden poppy all around her, swaying in the wind like the waves of an ocean. She sighed deeply as she basked in the sunlight, feeling the gentle warmth on her skin. The breeze played about her face as she sat up and looked out at the meadow, which seemed to flow like a symphony only the flowers could hear. Clarissa stood up on her bare feet and let her silk dress ripple in the wind. The sun illuminated the world around her, and Clarissa questioned how anything could be so beautiful.

A petal sprang up from the bed of flowers and Clarissa tried to catch it. The wind seemed to tease her as the petal kept shooting from her grasp at the last possible moment. Instead, Clarissa decided to let it fly, and sat back down at her blanket.

“I don’t need you,” she said, watching the petal slip out of sight. She then turned her gaze at the poppies dancing in the breeze, and picked one that was closest to her. She brought the golden beauty up to her face and closed her eyes as she inhaled deeply, wondering just how sweet it would smell.

She was met with the stench of sweat.

Clarissa awoke as she was violently shaken from the arm. She was ripped from her happy dream, and the bright sun was shut out, replaced by a foreboding darkness. This was Clarissa’s reality, and she couldn’t avoid it, no matter how wonderful her dreams were, because they were just that: dreams.

Clarissa felt the stone cold bed beneath her and the threadbare blanket that lay askew across her body. She was dressed in rags, and was barefoot.

“Time to get up, Clarissa,” said a voice above her. Clarissa pulled the clumps of sweat glued hair out of her face and stared up at the face of a man she had learned to hate from the depths of her soul: Richard Wells. He looked downed at Clarissa with dark brown eyes that had dark shades of purple underneath them. His jet black hair still shined in the darkness and his crooked nose always reminded Clarissa of a vulture; A vulture, who stared patiently at his victims until they broke, and then swooped down to eat his fill.

“Richard, I hardly slept,” pleaded Clarissa, laying her head back down onto her non-existent pillow, “Just let me rest a few minutes longer.”

Richard simply smiled.

“I don’t remember saying you had a choice in the matter,” said Richard, grabbing Clarissa’s arm and pulling so forcefully that Clarissa could have sworn she heard her arm come out of its socket. Her head slammed into Richard’s chest; he was a good foot and a half taller than her.

“Now follow me,” said Richard, a fiery look in his eyes, “Today I’ll finally be able to put your powers to good use.” Clarissa felt a pang of fear strike her at these words. Had he finally discovered something?

Clarissa was dragged out of her dark cell and Richard closed the barred door behind them with a loud clang. Then they made their way across the dark basement in which Clarissa resided in, she being yanked from the arm the entire time. As Richard pulled her up the flight of stairs that led to the rest of Richard’s mansion, she couldn’t help but wonder what he had in store for her today. Then, eleven steps up, Clarissa lost her footing. She fell hard on the wooden stair case, and managed to stop her self from rolling back down the steps. Richard released her hand and looked down on her.

“Could you get back up sometime today, Clarissa?” he said impatiently. Clarissa ignored him and rubbed her left foot.

“I think I sprained it,” she said, wincing at the pain. A flash of anger was seen on Richard’s face, but it quickly melted away. Without offering a word of comfort, he turned to the basement door and called for someone. A guard who had been waiting for them outside came rushing in.

“What is it, Mr. Wells?” he said, not sure if he had come fast enough. Richard pointed to Clarissa, who was sitting on the step below him, rubbing her ankle.

“It seems like Clarissa has fallen and sprained her ankle, so I need you to help her out of here for me, um, Tom is it?” said Richard, giving a fake smile. Tom stared at Clarissa for a moment before complying.

“Yes, sir, Mr. Wells, I’ll do that,” he said, lifting Clarissa up to rest against his shoulder so she could walk on one foot.

“Good,” said Richard, continuing up the stairs, “Now follow me, Tom.” Clarissa put her hand around Tom and hopped up the stairs on one foot, determined not to trip again. Soon they reached the basement door, and Richard unlocked it.

Once they had stepped through it was as if they had entered another world. Gone was the dark, damp basement as they walked into a lavishly decorated hallway, with silk curtains hung on the windows. The floor was carpeted with amazing designs, the whole place giving off a glow of brilliance.

As they walked past the many beautiful paintings that hung the wall, Tom now had a clear view of Clarissa now that they were in light. He noticed the ripped rags that she had for clothes, and her stained bare feet on the beautiful carpet. From her smell, he could guess she hadn’t bathed for weeks, and her hair looked as if it would harden from all the grime. He couldn’t help but feel sorry for her as they walked towards the end of the ornate hallway, to a plain white door that seemed out of place in all the beauty.

“Sir,” began Tom, keeping up with Richard, but he was cut off.

“Call me Mr. Wells,” said Richard, pulling out his keys as they neared the door.

“Right, Mr. Wells,” he said quickly, correcting himself, “Don’t you think that you should, I don’t know, at least give this woman a decent bath?”

Richard stopped short of the door. Even Clarissa was shocked. She looked up into Tom’s face. She had thought long ago that all kindness had been sucked out of her life, but here he was, a man she knew nothing about, trying to offer her some help.

Clarissa had forgotten that not all people were evil. But Richard stood frozen, inches from the white door.

“I don’t pay you to give suggestions, Tom,” said Richard with such an icy tone that Tom felt a slight chill run up the length of his spine. Tom hesitated, not sure of what he had done.

“I…understand,” said Tom, slowly. Richard found the key he needed and unlocked the door.

“I’m glad,” he said, opening it, “Now bring her in and then stand guard outside.”

Clarissa limped to the open room at Tom’s side and was pulled inside by Richard, who immediately shut and locked the door. He put Clarissa on a chair that was against the wall, and then brushed himself off.

“Maybe you are a bit too filthy,” said Richard, putting his keys away.

Clarissa eyed him with contempt before she noticed where she was. The room she had just entered was pure white. The walls, the chair she was on, even the ceiling, was white. Then she noticed something strange. There was a large cylindrical machine in the middle of the room, giving off a soft hum. It blended in perfectly with the rest of the room, along with a small pedestal attached to its side. The pedestal had a small container on top that was presently open. Just when she began to wonder what all this was, Richard pulled out a small silver ring from his pocket.

Clarissa heart plunged into her stomach. He had finally figured it out.

“Six years, Clarissa,” he said, giving a small chuckle, “Six years. Today all that research is finally going to pay off. Your precious little ability isn't going to be yours anymore.” He looked longingly at the ring in his hand, and was smiling hugely. Clarissa felt a cold sweat come over her.

“I won’t do it,” she said, her voice shaking. “I won’t let you.” Richard started laughing as she tried to go for the door.

“What are you going to do? Run out of here? We’re in a locked, soundproof room. So you can kick and scream all you want, Clarissa. It won’t do you any good,” said Richard.

Clarissa knew he was right. What could she do? Even if she managed to get out of this room there was no way she could escape with a sprained ankle.

“Now get into the machine,” Richard continued, walking over to the small pedestal and putting the ring inside. He closed the small container and locked it. Clarissa hesitated.

“Take all the time you want, Clarissa,” he said, his smile brightening every second, “I’ve waited six years for this. A few more minutes won’t kill me.”

Clarissa felt defeated. She had nowhere to go. All she could do was get into the machine, and hope that it wouldn’t work.

“I—I’ll do it,” she breathed, not believing what she was about to do.

“Good girl,” Richard said, and went over to help her up. He reached out his hand to Clarissa. She looked at it, and wondered whether this was her only option. She saw no other way out. She had to.

Clarissa grasped his hand.

Richard dragged her over to the cylindrical machine and pushed a small button on its side. Clarissa watched as a small bed slid out of it, stopping inches from her legs.

Straps hung from its sides, and Clarissa slowly lowered herself onto it, feeling like she was committing a horrible crime. Richard quickly bonded her to the bed and pressed the same button once more. The bed began sliding back into the machine, and Clarissa gazed at the pulsing lights that surrounded her.

Then she heard the click of the bed locking into place, and the lights suddenly began glowing more brightly. Richard secured goggles on his eyes as the lights grew brighter. Clarissa felt a small tingle inside her body as the machine’s lights flashed around her. Please don’t work, she pleaded as the tingling sensation flooded her body, Please, God, don’t let it work. The sensation had now become so strong that Clarissa’s body went numb. Now the lights were blinding her, and she felt weightless.

The air was being sucked out of her lungs, and she couldn’t think straight anymore. She suddenly became terrified, wondering whether these moments could be her last.

Then for one, brief moment, the lights around her turned bright red, and her mind went blank. The machine then powered down automatically. Clarissa, barely conscious, looked out through the holes on either side of her. On her left, she saw Richard, pulling out the ring from the pedestal’s container. It had now turned pearl white. Clarissa closed her eyes and turned her head back towards the roof of the machine.

What have I done? She thought, as a tear trickled down her cheek. A feeling of dread filled Clarissa’s body as she lay there on the bed, right before she lost consciousness.
Last edited by Black Ghost on Sat Aug 26, 2006 11:15 pm, edited 11 times in total.
  





User avatar
685 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 685
Mon Jul 24, 2006 9:08 pm
Rei says...



I think this is an excellent first draft. You could definitely turn this into a very interesting novel. There is the odd error, but nothing major. When you revise this, dry giving it a little more detail. Slow down, have fun with tone and atmosphere, and let us really get into the mind of your character.

Spend some more time with that opening fantasy that Clarissa has. Make sure we feel it just as strongly as she did. That way, the reader will also feel as if s/he is being jolted out of a nice dream like she was.

What does this Richard guy look like? you can get across a lot about the character by describing his/her appearance.

Since this is a prologue, it's not all that important, but I'd also like a little more information about what exactly is going on.

And the fact that it is short is not a bad thing. This is just a personal preferance, but I think prologues should be short. It's just supposed to be a glimps of something that happened before the story.

Great work!
Please, sit down before you fall down.
Belloq, "Raiders of the Lost Ark"
  





User avatar
164 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 1068
Reviews: 164
Tue Jul 25, 2006 5:23 am
Ares says...



Rei said most of it.

The only thing I would add is to come up with some other names for Richard, like Mr. Wells, etc.
  





User avatar
277 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 6070
Reviews: 277
Tue Jul 25, 2006 9:42 pm
Black Ghost says...



Ok, I've rewritten the prologue, so now it's longer and more detailed.

Enjoy :D
  





User avatar
1258 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 6090
Reviews: 1258
Wed Jul 26, 2006 6:10 am
Sam says...



Ahoy!

Anyway...I have read some of your other work and some of your critiques and you could say that I'm a bit of a fan. :) So! In return...

STUFF YOU DID WELL:

- Your style is absolutely gorgeous- in that, I mean you're detached from Clarissa, as a reader you still feel everything that goes on in her head. It's quite cool, actually. Good job.

- You build up quite a bit of suspense for just a prologue, but in a sort of effortless manner. Most people sound as though they're trying to get you hooked into the story- you, on the other hand, don't.

- You've got a starkly 'good' character, and yet she's not perfect enough that we can't sympathize (I'm not sure if I'm using that word correctly...it's late:P) for her. It's not totally Cinderella, which is very, very excellent.

STUFF THAT COULD USE A SECOND LOOK:

- In Sentence Nitpicks, I think you should separate the first line from the second (as in, do a line return, for dramatic effect). This would also help create a dreamy, detached feel- which is what you want. Also, I would combine the second and third sentence, since there's nothing choppy about a good dream. :wink:

- You say that Richard Wells has 'bags under his eyes'. This, unfortunately, is a clichè that doesn't make a whole lot of sense. I'd describe his eyes as merely having 'purple rings' under them, or whatever similar thing floats your boat.

- I've got a bit of concern before I get too far into the story: make sure you don't turn this into a total melodrama. This is only a risk factor for you because you've got starkly good/evil characters at this point and there's really no way that you could add a truly human aspect in the prologue. Just make sure that this style doesn't continue at maximum strength- people can't be perfect all the time.

- During the sequence that you're describing Mr. Wells as a vulture, you end a sentence (eat his fill) with an ellipse. This is sort of confusing since it doesn't work well with your style and you've given no indication that this is something that Clarissa is inwardly thinking. If you want that effect, just tell us that Clarissa is looking him and thinking of the vulture...or something similar.It's hard to be dreamy and detached at the same time- but if you can pull it off, it'll be really cool.

- Clarissa obviously fears Robert a little bit (and he can inflict a great deal of pain on her, too) so why does she bother trying to resist? After all, hatred is usually based on a little bit of terror.

- You've got a sentence in there with a typo: 'carry her out of her'. Should be 'here', obviously.

- You've done great with the whole getting-Clarissa's-feelings-in aspect up until the point where Tom carries her out of the room. It's not everyday that you get picked up and carried by a grown man (lest you be five) so what's she feeling there? Is there a bit of fear that he's going to drop her? Or is there just the feeling that he's disgusted at the very thought of having to touch her?

- Clarissa obviously knows that there's a better life outside of what she's got (by the fact that she recognizes Tom's offer as kindness). So, if that's not what you're going for...change it. If it is, you're on the right track.

- Why is Clarissa there? And mistreated in such a way? She's not your ordinary servant, that's for sure. Give us a couple hints as to her purpose with Richard.
Graffiti is the most passionate form of literature there is.

- Demetri Martin
  





User avatar
614 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 1106
Reviews: 614
Wed Jul 26, 2006 10:31 am
Swires says...



Well magic man, ive got to say since your first piece of work you posted on YWS you have improved greatly, you have gone from a mediocre writer to a good writer, however I still have a few things:

"She was met with the stench of sweat. "

I don't like this sentence, perhaps it could be:

"Meeting her at point-blanc was a stench of sweat"

OR

"Sweat suddenly harrassed her senses, it smelled. Smelled disgusting!"

--

ANother thing is perhaps you could use present participles a little more to create more action and interest:

Dragging
Looking

ie. Dragging her out of the door, Richard shot a look at her.

and such as...

Overall good!
Previously known as "Phorcys"
Witherwings Harry Potter RPG
  





User avatar
277 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 6070
Reviews: 277
Wed Jul 26, 2006 8:12 pm
Black Ghost says...



Sam-Thanks for the review, it really helped!

Sam wrote:I've got a bit of concern before I get too far into the story: make sure you don't turn this into a total melodrama. This is only a risk factor for you because you've got starkly good/evil characters at this point and there's really no way that you could add a truly human aspect in the prologue. Just make sure that this style doesn't continue at maximum strength- people can't be perfect all the time.


You don't have to worry about that, when I post the next chapters of the story the people won't be strictly bad and good, I'm making sure they will be very "human" and not just good or bad.

Sam wrote:Clarissa obviously fears Robert a little bit (and he can inflict a great deal of pain on her, too) so why does she bother trying to resist? After all, hatred is usually based on a little bit of terror.


I changed that, so that Clarissa doesn't resist him, but instead pleads to have a few more minutes of sleep. I saw your point about how she should be afraid of him and changed it.

Sam wrote:You've got a sentence in there with a typo: 'carry her out of her'. Should be 'here', obviously.


Thanks, I don't notice those things :lol:

Sam wrote:It's not everyday that you get picked up and carried by a grown man (lest you be five) so what's she feeling there? Is there a bit of fear that he's going to drop her? Or is there just the feeling that he's disgusted at the very thought of having to touch her?


Actually, Tom wasn't carrying her, he was just allowing Clarissa to lean on him so she could walk on one foot. Sorry if that wasn't clear.

Sam wrote:Clarissa obviously knows that there's a better life outside of what she's got (by the fact that she recognizes Tom's offer as kindness). So, if that's not what you're going for...change it. If it is, you're on the right track.


It is actually my intent that Clarissa knows of a better life since she's not destined to spend the rest of her days here.

Sam wrote:Why is Clarissa there? And mistreated in such a way? She's not your ordinary servant, that's for sure. Give us a couple hints as to her purpose with Richard.


I tried to add some hints in Richard's dialogue, so I hope it makes things come into light a little more. Anyway, this is all going to be explained pretty early in the story, so you don't have to worry about being in the dark for long.

Anyway, thanks for reading it!

***

Adam101-Thanks, I'll try to change that sentence if I come up with anything better since it kind of bugged me too.
  





User avatar
277 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 6070
Reviews: 277
Thu Jul 27, 2006 7:15 pm
Black Ghost says...



I changed the name, what do you think?
  








It's a pity the dictionary has only one definition of beauty. In my world, there are 7.9 billion types of it- all different and still beautiful.
— anne27