Young Writers Society

The hospital was becoming very quite at this time of evening, as family members were told that visiting hours were over. Nurses tended to patients, getting them food and checking their health status. The various machines beeped and hummed while monitoring the patients, and soon became some of the only noises that could be heard.

But in one section of the hospital, a boy was being questioned by his mother.

"Where did you meet Max?" questioned Molly, looking at her injured son.

"I met him at the park, Mom. Well, actually, I kind of found him," said Joe, through the bandages around his head. He knew it was time to confess the mistake he had made. He didn't know how his Mom would take it, but he had to get it out. He had no one else to tell.

"What do you mean, 'found him'?" asked Molly.

"Well-," Began Joe. He started to play with his fingers, something he always did when he was nervous. Molly noticed this.

"Joe, don't be scared, you can tell me anything. I promise I won't get mad, I'll understand," Said Molly, wanting her son to tell her what was on his mind.

Joe took a deep breath and tried to refrain from playing with his fingers.

"Mom, I- I don't know how to tell you this." he said, looking up at Molly. He could feel something strong well-up inside his chest.

"Joe, just tell me. You know I'm not going to stop until you do." Molly said firmly, but at the same time letting Joe know that he didn't need to be afraid.

Joe gave a sigh, and closed his eyes.

"Mom, I think I gave Max amnesia," he said, keeping his eyes shut. After a few seconds he opened them, expecting the worst. What he saw was completely different from what he imagined would happened. His mother's expression hadn't changed. She didn't look angry at all.

"Why do you think you gave him amnesia, Joe?" She said, slightly confused,"Did you hurt him?"

The thing inside Joe's chest suddenly evaporated. He was expecting his mom to explode. Now he knew she would never do that.

"Well, I didn't want to hurt him," Said Joe, " I mean, I was playing baseball in the park, I like I told you. Except on the last swing I actually hit the ball."

"Wait, you finally hit it?" Said Molly, surprised.

"Yeah, I was so happy too, you know, since it was the first time. But the ball went so far so I had to go search for it."

"So how does Max fit in to this, Joe?" asked his Mom.

Max gulped. Even though his mom wasn't getting angry, this was still hard for him.

"Well, when I found the ball, Max was laying near it, and he wasn't moving. I got really scared and tried to wake him up. When he did, he told me his name. But after that I got even more freaked out because it was like he didn't know anything. And I mean anything. He didn't even know what a parent was."

"But Joe, maybe he doesn't have any parents. That doesn't mean he has amnesia," Said Molly, "Maybe you just knocked him out by accident."

"Mom, you don't understand. He didn't know what the word parent meant. He had no concept of it. He didn't know what a car was, what grass was, he didn't know anything. I gave him amnesia."

It sounded ridiculous, even to Joe, but he knew it had to be true.

But Molly was still not convinced. Joe didn't know what else to say. He was sure he had given Max amnesia, there was no other explanation.

But Molly still had one more question.

"Joe, if you had given Max amnesia, how was he able to tell you his name?"

Do you think I need to add anything to this chapter?

i like it the way it is its funky and well thats my opion anyway

were deep in conversation.

^ The 'questioning' seemed quite uncomfortable, if anything, and for this reason, I wouldn't have said that they were 'deep in conversation'. You could actually say that he was being questioned, or you could take this bit out altogether. Couldn't tell you exactly how, but I'd say this section needs changing somehow.

Then almost three weeks passed by.

^ If I were you, I'd take out the 'then'. You don't need it. Not only that, but it doesn't really work very well coupled with a continuous action.

Joe’s face and mouth almost completely healed by then

^ You don't need to say 'by then'. Again, you just don't need it, and the story would sound much better without it.

that she had gotten

^ Arg! Please, please, please change this! It's a common mistake, I realise this, but 'gotten' just isn't a word. To conjugate the verb properly, you'd have to say:: she had got... although to be quite honest, when you're talking about a phone call, it might be better to use a different verb altogether. How about:: she had received a phone call. Sound better to you?

Final point:: after three weeks, Joe still hasn't seen Max?! Hm, this just seems a bit long to me, you would have thought one of them would ask to see the other before then. I'm not saying you have to change that; I just want a good reason for them not having seen each other..

So far, I think this is developing well, though I'd like to see this chapter made a little more interesting. Just because, from what I can see, not much seems to be happening at the moment..

Keep writing, I'd love to see how this turns out, and what's going to happen to Max. He's a likable character as he reminds me of a really young child who hasn't yet learned how to act, etc.

(Hope I helped a little)

~KayJuran~

Thanks, guys. Ok, I now that ch. was kinda weird in some places, so I completely changed it, and made the whole chapter focus on Joe's and Molly's dialogue which I think was done very bad, which is my fault.

I hope it's better now!

-Tony

I have enojoyed reading this story throughout and I can see a progression in your ability to write.

Thanks, Adam!

Doesn't anyone else feel like critiquing this?

*runs away and crys*

LOL

Wow, I see you've done a lot of work on this chapter. A lot of rewriting. I like this!

Let me tell you first that you're a very good story-teller. Max and Joe are both likable, your ideas are interesting, you've been suspenseful. This chapter’s very short, and you’re focusing on the dialog between Joe and his mom in the hospital (we don’t know how soon after, but it’s not extremely important. We can assume it’s shortly after). So now Molly’s involved.

I have a suggestion, though. Dialog is fine--sometimes it’s great--,but in this case some of it bogs down the story. It’s not that the dialog’s all bad, it’s just that it contains redundant information. Most of it is a retelling of past events, which we were there to experience for ourselves. Don’t misunderstand me. I'm not proposing to cut out all the dialog, or even throw out the conversation, because you are showing character interaction. You also need to have a way to show that Joe’s telling his mom about Max.

So what I might do is preface the conversation with dialog…what they say to lead up into the conversation. Then summarize the conversation (with finesse), go ahead and include everything about Joe’s fear dissolving and his trust in his mom etc…You’ve got some great stuff. Then you can wrap it up again with the last line, his mother's advice, and go from there.

Because you've got the ideas and it seems like you know where you want to go.

Good luck!

~Jacquie~

Really good idea, I'll work on adding more to this chapter

Thanks a lot!