Young Writers Society

This is the beginning of a novel about rich kids in Silicon Valley. It's told from five perspectives, but instead of alternating from chapter to chapter, one person narrates the whole year and then the next and then the next, etc., and the last chapter is in the third person. There's a quote at the beginning of every chapter.

1

Starting at the Top

"Unless you're somebody like Huckleberry Finn, the first day of school isn't too bad." --Barbara Robinson

First day of school. August, two thousand three. I was getting a ride with Cash becuz the fucking DMV won't give me a goddamn permit and my motorcycle was broken down as usual and if I had ridden that the police probably would have busted my ass 'cuz apparently you have to have a permit for that, too. Cash has a cool car, anyway. A two-thousand-two BMW. Blue, convertible. I'm not one of those guys who knows a lot about cars, so to me if a car looks good then it is good. Looks good usu'ly means convertibles.

We had the top down and we were lis'ning to this rap station really loud, only it had the swearing bleeped out. So every time there was a pause Cash and I yelled "MOTHERFUCKER!" at the top of our lungs. The fact that there was this really old guy in the car behind us with the windows down only served to make this more fun, of course.

Cash isn't that great of a guy, actchu'ly he's a cocky son of a bitch, so the big reasons I hang out with him is stuff like that. Inside jokes and shit. We've known each other since the sixth grade. He's one of about two friends that are actually taller than me. (He's six four.) He's also the only person I know with golden hair and golden eyes, like Mark in That Was Then, This is Now. Even though he's so tall I wouldn't say that he looks older than he is. He's seventeen and he looks seventeen, I guess becuz he's sort of butterscotchy and baby-faced. I mean, he looks innocent. (He's not.) He also looks like he'd be funny. (He is.) He's always smiling, but it's the kind of smile that's just saying, "I'm so cool, aren't I?" A lot of my friends have that expression. Slider has it the worst.

We were about to scream "MOTHERFUCKER!" for the millionth time when Cash's girlfriend's dad pulled up beside us. We glanced at each other in silent agreement and immediately shut up and turned the music down and tried to look like mature, trustworthy people. Which is pretty hard if you're us. I mean, come on--Cash had on a shirt that said, "68, you give me one," and I had on a shirt that said, "If I gave a shit, you'd be the first person I'd give it to." Cash was chewing gum and Mister Williams was the kind of person you'd expect to hate chewing gum. Almost like a teacher, or a principal, or something.

He passed us, and the music came back on.

It's nice to see people who aren't afraid to have a 100% authentic voice for a character like this. In most books I've read, even everything else is there, they tone down the langauge and make it less vulgar, and it just sounds so fake. This sounded real. He also seemed like a real person, not just a type of character, even though he clearly does fit into a particular group. All the nuances in his speech, and details of his life and personality were there.

There were a couple of points that bugged me. The first is where you say the setting. As an opening like, it sounds kind of cheesy. If the year is significant, sure include it, but as a subtitle, rather than as part of the narative, The second was changing the spelling of words that we all pronounce like that anyway i.e. actually, listen, usually, because.

Good. I definitely got the impression that he's a real, raw guy. Lke Reichieru said, you didn't make him sound fake at all, so that was great. However, you don't need to write the words they way he would say them unless it's actual dialogue. Apart from that, nice work.

*laughs* I think the character's voice was FUNNY!!! He he. But that's just me.

I was getting a ride with Cash becuz the fucking DMV won't give me a goddamn permit and my motorcycle was broken down as uaul and if I had ridden that the police probably would have busted my ass 'cuz apparently you have to have a permit for that, too. Cash has a cool car, anyway. A two-thousand-two BMW. Blue, convertible. I'm not one of those guys who knows a lot about cars, so to me if a car looks good then it is good. Looks good usu'ly means convertibles.

This paragraph's not as good as the rest. The first sentence is too long, there are a couple of sentences in that, not one. Actaully, it's mostly just the first sentence that got to me, the rest is OK.

We had the top down and we were lis'ning to this rap station really loud, only it had the swearing bleeped out. So every time there was a pause Cash and I yelled "MOTHERFUCKER!" at the top of our lungs. The fact that there was this really old guy in the car behind us with the windows down only served to make this more fun, of course.

*thinks* I don't think the "of course" really fits there. I'd get rid of it.

Cash isn't that great of a guy, actchu'ly he's a cocky son of a bitch, so the big reasons I hang out with him is stuff like that. Inside jokes and shit. We've known each other since the sixth grade. He's one of about two friends that are actually taller than me. (He's six four.) He's also the only person I know with golden hair and golden eyes, like Mark in That Was Then, This is Now. Even though he's so tall I wouldn't say that he looks older than he is. He's seventeen and he looks seventeen, I guess becuz he's sort of butterscotchy and baby-faced. I mean, he looks innocent. (He's not.) He also looks like he'd be funny. (He is.) He's always smiling, but it's the kind of smile that's just saying, "I'm so cool, aren't I?" A lot of my friends have that expression. Slider has it the worst.

Good descriptions ... but try to show this instead of telling it. Telling tends to be boring, and I had urges to skip over this which isn't good.

We were about to scream "MOTHERFUCKER!" for the millionth time when Cash's girlfriend's dad pulled up beside us. We glanced at each other in silent agreement and immediately shut up and turned the music down and tried to look like mature, trustworthy people. Which is pretty hard if you're us. I mean, come on--Cash had on a shirt that said, "68, you give me one," and I had on a shirt that said, "If I gave a shit, you'd be the first person I'd give it to." Cash was chewing gum and Mister Williams was the kind of person you'd expect to hate chewing gum. Almost like a teacher, or a principal, or something

I like it how you put in the description of the T-shirts, and how they turned the music down when the girlfriend's dad drives past. Very ... I don't know, but it's good.

I enjoyed this, and I'm not usually one for swearing and stuff like that. I agree with Rei (can I call you that? It's just that "Reichieru" is almost as annoying as "Eloere" to type out ... you have to go back and check the spelling and everything) though, that the misspellings were probably a touch to much.

As a story I liked this. I liked the tone and I liked where you are going, even it's not exactly clear as to the direction. And in the first few paragraphs, it shouldn't be. But I absolutely loathed the purposeful mispellings. I think your tone would be just as clear if you spelled the words correctly.

down as uaul and if I had ridden that the police

The "s" in "usual" got lost somehow. Also, the "that" is a little confusing. I don't know if it just shouldn't be there, or if "that" is referring to the motorcycle. If it is the latter, then "that" should be "it," or you may even consider rewording that part a bit.

he's sort of butterscotchy and baby-faced

I love this description. I can see this kid perfectly just because of this sentence.

Your writing style is kind of in-tune with the post-modernism novels. The first-person, run on sentences are very effective. Good luck with writing the rest of this.

-Sarah

Thanks for the response. Wow, it's been forever since I posted this...However I would like to post more now because I'm sort of trying to start writing this again.

Right now there is absolutely no plot in this whatsoever. It is really boring right now so I guess I would really like advice on what sort of plot I could put in this.

Cash was grinning really wide. He was really excited about the first day of school, like a kindergarten kid. Cash is the kind of person who gets really excited about the first day of school. Something like that he thinks is a big deal, but say there’s a war and a ton of people die, he truly doesn’t give a shit and says so.

“What’s the big deal?” I said. “It’s the first day of school. So what?”

“So this year we’re upperclassmen!”

Cash is pretty fortunate, because good things get him really thrilled, but bad things don’t faze him. I know a lot of people who are the opposite. Take Tristan Patrick. Man.

We pulled into the parking lot. Since we were upperclassmen he actually managed to get a parking space legit this year. Last year he had to buy one from this senior who was auctioning off his to the highest bidder, since he didn’t drive. Nearly everybody made a big deal about the parking spots last year. Generally the underclassmen were freaking out because they didn’t get parking spaces, the juniors were freaking out because the seniors got the best parking spaces, and the seniors were freaking out because the juniors kept stealing their parking spaces. In a town like this, people make a big deal out of things like parking spaces. Because they can’t find much of anything else to make a big deal out of.

Tristan Patrick was walking into the school at the same time we were. He didn’t bother to say hi, or anything. He and Cash and me and this guy Brad Jackson are suppos’ to be like best friends and stuff. Maréz was in a pretty bad mood, like he always was these days. Besides, the first day of school does that to a lot of people.

“Fuck this. I hate this fucking school.”

“Who the hell doesn’t?” I said off-handedly. “Anybody else have physics first period?”

I didnt read the second part, but as to the first: Get rid of the brackets. Okay? They must be gone. They serve no purpose.
Overall I liked and enjoyed this, so I'll definetly come back to read further and give more indepth reviews.

~Jiggy.