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Shadow: Edited



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Tue Feb 28, 2006 1:04 am
Jiggity says...



Chapter 1.

There is a place. In this place horrors roam free, screams go unheard, and a battle for supremacy between Man and Monster goes on unnoticed, unabated.

Darkness swathed the twinkling city, pierced momentarily by lightening striking out from a roiling mass of clouds. It was a perfect night for killing, thought the creature. Lightening flickered above, revealing him, standing atop a ramshackle building; peering intently down. The heady smell of fear wafted up, exciting him, making him drool. The source of his excitement walked on, oblivious. Shifting silently, he began to stalk the child.

Hearing the child's heartbeat increase frantically, he smiled as he knew it had sensed him. It would know something was wrong, sense it with that indefinable instinct all prey were endowed with—yes, the child knew it was being hunted. As if acknowledging this, the little boy looked around fearfully; a lamb ready for the slaughter. He saw, with the keenest of eyes, that the child was approaching a crossroads in the dark, twisted warren of alleys that it had mistakenly entered and got lost in. It was a fatal mistake. With the supreme confidence of a born killer, he knew that was the place in which he would feast and gorge on the blood of a little boy.

He chuckled softly, tensed unnaturally strong muscles and prepared to spring.

A moment passed, then another, before a dark shadow launched into the air.


The shadowy figure hung for moments, a dark blotch against the blue-black sky, before plummeting down. Somersaulting in mid-air, with his tattered black cloak fluttering all about him; he was a picture of predatory grace. He landed lightly, amid the steamy clutter of human filth, with his back to the stunned and terrified child. He could have ended it there… but that wouldn’t have been terribly exciting, no, he wanted to play a game. Turning his head he hissed, “Run.”

He watched as the child turned without another word and ran. He smiled and licked his lips with relish, as a fresh wave of intoxicating fear flowed back to him. Throwing back his head he let loose an eerie shriek that resounded in the night sky. Oh yes, the Hunt was on.

Wheeling about, he snarled and gave chase. Adrenaline was pumping throughout his body, energizing him, making him stronger. The graffiti covered walls blurred as he sped after his quarry. The hunger in his stomach and the bloodlust overriding his senses spurred him on, eating the distance between him and the child until he was close enough to see each strand of blonde hair, smell the sweat drenching it, and hear the frenetic tattoo beat out by the boy’s heart.

The boy turned his head back, his pupil dilated in fear at what he saw and in that moment Shadow saw himself reflected there; a forked tongue slithered out of a face hidden within a wild, tangled mane of darkness that snaked down out of sight. A monstrous, muscled form covered by a shredded cloak that rippled like a sinuous snake pounded forth; intent on death. The sight shocked him to a standstill. The boy, seeing the creature drop back a little, put on a fresh burst of speed; whimpering with fear and hope.

The whimper penetrated Shadow, shivering through him, and reaching the most primal part of him. With a fresh roar he lunged back into motion.

At times his form would blend and meld into darkness; a shape appearing and reappearing at odd intervals...slowly gaining on the fleeing child. He was so filled with a lust for blood that he didn’t notice that for a seemingly lost and terrified child, the boy was surprisingly purposeful in his movements...

******
Skidding around the corner, on all fours, he leapt forward; fully expecting to bite through flesh and finally feast on his prey—only to have his jaw click painfully shut, on thin air. Scrambling upright he looked around in confusion. The boy was gone. His scent was still there, cloying and sweet but the child himself had vanished. Senses straining, he sought all about him for a sign, any sign that the boy had been there; all to no avail.

Throwing his head back he screamed his anger, his frustration at the unforgiving night sky. Gnashing his teeth, he stalked forward slowly, sniffing and licking the air; attempting to locate the vanishing point. Following the trail, he was led back to the crossroads before the scent died; completely and utterly. It didn’t taper off, no, it ended as if it had never existed…and as he stood there, puzzled, a freezing breeze sprung up; stirring the rubbish at his feet and chilling him to the bone. Abruptly his hunger, desire for flesh, and hunting instincts faded and another arose…he shivered as his survival instinct kicked in.

Chapter 2

He stood, silent and still, letting the night wash over him; concealing, caressing him with its velvety darkness. He didn’t like how things were turning out, he’d been robbed of his meal, and what should have been easy quarry had become elusive prey; he didn’t like such surprises- they foreshadowed change, and not in a good way. He was about to turn and walk away, when the sounds of several guns being cocked sliced through the night; quickly disabusing him of that notion. From those sounds alone, he was able to determine, that he was well and truly surrounded. It seemed he was not the only one who had noticed the advantage of the crossroads as an ambush site.

He’d been fooled, led around on a merry little dance and now he was trapped.

He’d seen a seemingly helpless child and had pounced, without thought, without questioning. He’d abandoned the rationale, the logic that set him above the common animal, the very thing that had allowed him to survive so long…and now he was paying the price. Even as he accepted his fate, a niggling suspicion wormed its way into his mind and as it did he noticed something- the silence. It was not one of anticipation, or triumph-- it was a silence that spoke of hesitation, indecision and fear. It confirmed his suspicion; they couldn’t see him. As if hearing his unspoken thoughts, someone spoke in a nervous voice, “Please confirm if you have visual”

A chorus of, “That’s a negative” followed, bringing a smile to the creature’s lips; there was hope yet. As he stood there, an idea slowly took shape in his canny mind, it would be costly but it would work. He went down to the floor, bunched the muscles in his legs, then sprung himself into the air; revealing his position. The response was immediate; rapid bursts of gunfire from all four sides, shattering the night silence. Several bullets slammed into him in mid-air, spinning him about, stealing the impetus from his lunge causing him to slam into the ground gracelessly.

Shouts and cheers of triumph resounded. Moments passed. Then they rushed out, faces suffused with glee, which quickly turned to dismay when they found not a body, but a trail of blood leading into the darkness. Seeing this, the confidence returned to their faces, and they rushed in; following it blindly.

Watching from the darkness, Shadow smiled.

**********
The soldiers stumbled about, having rapidly lost both the trail and their sense of direction while regaining a very sensible fear. They had lost the trail to the muck in mere moments, but had carried on, bolstered by a wave of confidence that had since melted into a bundle of nerves and confusion.

The night cold descended with a vengeance, and soon they were shivering; afraid. Cold. No longer the strong, confident soldiers; reduced to wretched, unwitting prey. The heavens opened and pelted them with freezing, rock hard droplets of water; droplets that formed a seemingly impenetrable curtain of water around them. Like a herd, they inched towards each other, standing in a little group, unconsciously taking comfort from each others presence. Their assault rifles tried to peer through the rain; little torches roaming aimlessly; futilely.

A shadow, dimly seen by squinting eyes, flitted by.
Icy fear crept up their backs, chilling them, whispering insidious things into doubting minds.

The seconds crept by, the fear intensified… and they waited. Shaking hands gripped slippery weapons, heads shook water out of their eyes, bodies tried to stop from fleeing into the night.

Then the moment passed.

Shoulders slumped, grips loosened, and uneasy laughs slipped from chattering mouths. Then a snarling form smashed through the curtain, slamming into the captain of the four and thumping him against the wall which produced a satisfying crack. Spluttering bursts of gunfire, muffled by the downpour, crackled into the night. But they were too late; the senseless form slumped into the mud, with a wet splat. The shadow was gone. The remaining three huddled even closer together, the attack had sent a very clear message; you're mine for the taking.

A dark chuckle shivered through the night.

Chapter 3.

They were cold, tired, wet and afraid… with good reason. They were about to die. The youngest was barely 19; he had eagerly joined the organization, when its existence had been revealed to him, swept up in the fairy tale aspect of killing monsters, saving humanity, being a hero… the reality was all too shocking.

He found himself staring at the body of his captain, lying face down in a puddle, and shaking his head. That was not the future he’d envisioned, no, he didn’t want to die. He looked up into the eyes of his lieutenant and friend James,
“Bobby” he said warningly, having seen that look before “Bobby, don’t do anything stupid!”
“I don’t want to die!” he said desperately, his nerve having cracked.

Ignoring his friend’s warning, he turned and ran down the alley, in a crazed attempt to get away— back the way they’d come. An arm shot out, wielding glinting death; from a figure which had stood so still that it had merged with the night. Unable to halt his maddened rush, he could only watch as the blade came closer, gleaming wickedly in the rain. He felt curiously detached, as if he were watching a film rather than his own impending doom. He tried to yell out, but got no further than a short scream that was cut off, abruptly.

There was a barely audible thud. The arm moved not an inch; the body ran, stumbling onwards, for moments only before death caught up with it and it dropped to the floor. The head, staring blankly, balanced precariously on the blade; gushing bright red blood which stood out starkly against the dull, grey rain and gloomy night.

The figure stared at the head curiously then began to lob it up, and catch it again, before lobbing it up once more. It was grinning. Tiring of the game, he let it fall to the ground, where it landed with a wet plop. Turning, it looked to see if the others had noticed anything untoward; perhaps they had, but feared to fire lest they harm their friend.

Soft, stifled sobs could be heard over the rain.

“You wanted to hunt me, kill me like a common animal.” James heard roared over the downpour, “I had done nothing to you and yet still you wished me harm, well now you will know pain; you will now what it feels like to be hunted!”

*******
No sooner had Shadow said this than his hackles rose and the hairs on the nape of his neck stirred. He turned his head and saw, standing behind him, the child; eyes blazing white orbs of power.
Last edited by Jiggity on Sun Mar 12, 2006 2:07 am, edited 3 times in total.
Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

"Indecision and terror, thy name is novel." - Chiko
  





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Tue Feb 28, 2006 8:00 am
Swires says...



With a skim through the story looks good, the last line makes me want to carry on reading it, good job. i may crit more when the next bit is up.
Previously known as "Phorcys"
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Tue Feb 28, 2006 8:03 pm
Poor Imp says...



...It was dark, intriguing by description - and I assume vague by intent on character. (Well, that makes sense in third person limited.) The only thing that stuck out to me was bits of the descriptive writing. It seemed a little heavy, pushed.

An example:


Releasing a soft, dark chuckle, he tensed unnaturally strong muscles and prepared to spring.


Altogether, it's a little weighted- soft and dark and releasing then chuckle...then on to the adverb unnaturally. Perhaps with one word, or two out replaced by something strong you would get the point across more easily and as clearly or more so.

That's all I have to say for tips. :D (I should note that I very much enjoyed most of the description - very vivid. The itialicized beginning especially jumped out for succinct imagery...)
ex umbris et imaginibus in veritatem

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Wed Mar 01, 2006 3:10 am
Jiggity says...



Thanks for takin the time to comment. Ive changed the beginning, and I was wondering what you guys thought about it.

Although, I did hear, indirectly, that the italicized beggining was like not good. I believe the words were "I dont know what he was thinking." I initially thought that would be only temporary, but I'll wait for more ppl to comment before deciding.
Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

"Indecision and terror, thy name is novel." - Chiko
  





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Wed Mar 01, 2006 3:59 am
Snip Snip says...



A moment passed, then another, before a dark shadow launched into the air.

The shadowy figure hung for moments, a dark blotch against the blue-black sky, before plummeting down. Somersaulting in mid-air, with his tattered black cloak fluttering all about him; he was a picture of predatory grace. He landed lightly, amid the steamy clutter of human filth, with his back to the stunned and terrified child. He could have ended it there…but that wouldn’t have been terribly exciting, no, he wanted to play a game. Turning his head he hissed, “Run.”


In this part, it seems as if the dark shadow is something else, and the character who was in the first couple paragraphs is... just standing there or something. You're really quite good at punctuation, but if you have three periods in that sense, you need a space, so it'd be "He could have ended it there... but that wouldn't have been terribly exciting, no, he wanted to play a game."

Wheeling about, he snarled and gave chase. Adrenalin was pumping throughout his body, energizing him; making him stronger. The graffiti covered walls blurred as he sped after his quarry. The hunger in his stomach and the bloodlust overriding his senses spurred him on, eating the distance between him and the child till he got close enough to see each strand of blonde hair, smell the sweat drenching it, and hear the frenetic tattoo beat out by the boy’s heart.

It's adrenaline, not adrenalin. Also, I suggust changing "till" to "until". I'm not sure quite what you mean by tattoo, but it might make sense to someone smarter. =D

At times his form would blend and meld into darkness; a shape appearing and reappearing at odd intervals...slowly gaining on the fleeing child. He was so filled with bloodlust that he didn’t notice that for a seemingly lost and terrified child, the boy was surprisingly purposeful in his movements...
Again with the space after the periods! And you used "bloodlust" in the previous paragraph, so i'd reccomend a different word.

Throwing his head back he screamed his anger, his frustration at the unforgiving night sky. Gnashing his teeth, he stalked forward slowly, sniffing and licking the air; attempting to locate the vanishing point. Following the trail, he was led back to the crossroads before the scent died; completely and utterly. It didn’t taper off, no, it ended as if it had never existed…and as he stood there, puzzled, a freezing breeze sprung up; stirring the rubbish at his feet and chilling him to the bone. Abruptly his hunger, bloodlust, and hunting instincts faded and another arose…he shivered as his survival instinct kicked in.


AND THE PERIOD SPACES! Again with the bloodlust. That's a nice word, but, you know. Once in a chapter is enough.

Chapter 2 seems alright, no mistakes that I can see =D
It's a really excellent plot.
so give me all your poison,
and give me all your pills,
if this is what you want then
FIRE AT WILL
  





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Wed Mar 01, 2006 4:27 am
Jiggity says...



Thanks, I did what you suggested, lol.
Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

"Indecision and terror, thy name is novel." - Chiko
  





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Fri Mar 03, 2006 2:34 am
Torpid says...



I jumped around in some places and it looks good. Didn't know u had been banned...shadow is definetly better now. And by the way, i sent u a pm.
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Thu Mar 09, 2006 6:29 pm
Crayon says...



*shudders* ok, now im going to lock my wardrobe everynight and shut the freaken window! damn lol anyway, is damn a swear word? oh well anyway, um, it was really cool Jiggy, like seriously! lol I sound like such an egg but theres not much more i can say, its been crited pretty well so all i can say is it scaredidid me and i liked it, i liked it a lot lol.
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Sun Mar 12, 2006 2:02 am
Jiggity says...



Thanks a lot Crayon, all comments are ofcourse welcomed and appreciated. However, I know that this piece (which is unfinished) still needs to be "tightened" so I'll probably end up going over it and editing it a couple more times.

Once again, thanks a lot.

~JIggy
Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

"Indecision and terror, thy name is novel." - Chiko
  








Too often we crave the extraordinary in life, without even learning how to cherish the ordinary first. Friend, I promise you this: if you can learn to take joy in the simple mundane things in life, the extraordinary will take care of itself, it'll be on its way, hurrying towards you. But if you skip the first part, it'll ever evade you.
— Arcticus