Young Writers Society

The cashier silently looked at Joe as he dialed the number on the phone. There was high tension in the air at this moment, and Joe's heart was beating a thousand times a second. He was scared for himself, for the cahshier, and most of all, for Max.

He couldn't let anything happen to him.

Joe got up from beside the phone and turned to the robber. He hoped that the 9-1-1 operator would not hang up.

"I'm fine," he said to the robber, whose eyes seemed to glow with fire. "Just don't shoot my brother. I am going to open the ATM." Joe tried to raise his voice slightly, hoping the operator would hear him. But he didn't want to arouse any suspicion from the gunman, who looked as if longing to pull the trigger. Throughout all this, Max's expression was blank.

What is wrong with Joe? he wondered. He was going to ask the gunman to let him go, but decided not to, since the last time he said something the gunman caused him to experience some pain. Max didn't want to feel that again.

Joe then turned and went inside the archway. He was going to pretend he was looking for something, and stall long enough for any police to show up.

But his hopes were crushed as he felt someone come up behind him as he was pretending to rumage through the cashiers desk.

He turned and was looking up at the gunman's face, which was strangley calm.

"What is that phone doing on the floor," he asked. Joe began breathing nervously,and felt his heart plummet into his stomach.

"I don't know," he replied, walking back as the gunman began to come towards him.

"You didn't try callin' the cops, did you?" he said, as calmly as before. The burglars attitude was starting to scare Joe even more.

"Because if you did, I might have to do something drastic." He said.

The gunman then started to play with Max's hair.

"You got a cute brother here," he said, and then pulled on his hair.

Max started to scream.

"No, please stop!" Joe cried. Tears were now forming in his eyes.

Max continued screaming as the gunman pulled harder and harder.

"I'M THINKING YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO OPEN THAT DAMN ATM!" he yelled. His rage had surface once again.

He advanced on Joe. Joe then shielded himself with his arms.

"PLEASE!" he screamed. He then felt some of his teeth come loose as the robber's boot made contact with his face.

Joe flew back and hit the floor. He touched his hand to his mouth and felt the warm blood begin to flow.

Max screamed even louder as Joe fell. He didn't need to know anything to figure out that this wasn't good.

"THE COPS MAY BE COMING FOR ME, BUT YOUR BROTHER'S GONNA PAY FOR IT!"

Joe closed his eyes as he began to lose conciousness, and coughed up blood on the floor. A searing pain was racing through his head as he realized that there was no hope left. His tears dripped on to the floor as Max's screams were ringing in his ears.

The last thing he heard was a deafening gunshot.

***

PLEASE, critique this. I need to know if I should add more, or change it, or whatever you suggest.
I really hope I am keeping you guys interested in this story and not boring you at all.
I will take any suggestions that you have, because I really want to make this story work.

Just dropping by to tell you I've read all of it from the beginning and am enjoying it immensely. Wit and humor, interesting idea, and I liked the way you introduced Joe etc...He's very likeable, but human. The weakest chapter so far is Chapter Eight. I'll have to go back and read...The action seems to slow down, even stagnant. Each chapter should be (almost, not exactly) like its own substory...It has to feel right. Maybe all you need to do is combine it with this chapter. I'll have to go back and reread. Maybe it's not.

It's really late. I'm not up to a full critique. Maybe later? Could you remind me, maybe send me a link if you want one?

*yawn*

Don't worry, you're not boring me

~Jacquie~

You, know I think you are right, I should just combine it with this chapter since it is all one event.

Thanx!

He turned and was looking up at the gunman's face, filled with fury.

"What is that phone doing on the floor," he said calmly.

Wait a minute, one moment the gunman is at full fury, the next he is calm? Is this the gunman that is speaking or is it this someone else?

"PLEASE!" he screamed. He then felt his some of his teeth come loose as the robber's boot made contact with his face.

This guy has a gun, yet he kicks him? This is a relatively unstable attack position. If you had a gun, why would exert yourself any more than is necessary?

Nice cliffhanger though.

I thorooughly enjoyed this tale, its a really nice story. Yeah agree with GriffinKeeper's comments as well as this:

He then felt his some of his teeth come

should it be: He then felt some of his teeth come...

Ok, I will fix that thing about the rage and then calmness part.

That kind of seemed akward to me too.

Ok and good question about the kicking. You see the gunman was angry at Joe for calling the police and kicked him because he already had the gun to Max's head. He also wanted to make Joe pay by making sure he was alive when he killed Max.

Hope that clears is up.

Anyway, thanks for the comments.

alive when he killed Max.

You have given away the next hit, so Max is killed?

I'm not saying that, I am saying that it was the gunman's INTENTION to do that.

I'm not saying who lived or died.

Max may have died, or not.......who knows? Wait till the next ch.

Max may have died, or not.......who knows?

That would cut if off short, now wouldn't it?

I agree with Griffinkeeper. That's just about what I was going to say, but he said it in less space than I would have, so be glad. I tend to ramble.

I think calmly may not have been the word you wanted. It makes the robber seem too eratic. And he doesn't have any sense, expecting Joe to be able to open the cash register in the first place.

The last thing he heard was a deafening gunshot.

Mm...I like cliffhangers.

~Jacquie~

only thing i can say that hasn't been said already is that sometimes the dialogue doesn't seem very realistic. only in some places though.

I am going to open the ATM

^such as here. Joe's a kid so i'd expect him to say: I'm rather than I am. but that's just me...

you have to post the next chapter. i don't want Max to be dead....

First of all thank you all for the comments.

After reading them I feel that this and ch. before it need some revising.

I will rewrite the last few ch. to change the story a bit so it makes sense.

I will also make sure to take all the comments and fix all the problems that were mentioned.