Young Writers Society

As I watched the scheduled rain at my dark window, I thought of you. In the bitter silence in my room, I was thinking of you. You as in the person I called for ten minutes every night. You as in wandering in the middle of the night, wrapped in blankets. You as in wondering whether to embrace you or not. That's who I was thinking about.
They say you can't find your "true love" when your a teenager, but this isn't my "true love." This is real love. Something that isn't in fairy tails, something REAL.
I jumped off my bed, or at least attempted to, and opened my window with my head. Yes, I meant to do that. I stood up and took off my jacket to put one hand in the rain. Slipping my hand out the window, I watched a flock of blue and red lightning birds zooming across the sky.
That's what made me think of you. Remember why we put our one hands in the rain? Yes, the peeing contest, you and me. Now I do it every time it rains, just to remember the memories just as vividly as yesterday's memories. I remember the bird we named during the peeing contest. It was the brightest one in the flock, and unusually yellow. Do you remember what we called it? Oswald Fitzgerald was it's name.
So now, during my constant babbling, typing at my computer, I'm thinking about you, with my hand in the rain.
Some times I ask myself, if you remember my name, or phone number, or you just are using me. I know you have a girlfriend, and I know she's just for popularity points, so are you using me? You have only asked me for one or two favors that pulled this girl's puppet strings, but are you using me?



I know this kinda jumps from one thing to another, but I was just bored. I hope you like it, though! It's a new novel or at least short story I'm trying to write. I meant to make it romantic section, but my mouse REALLY doesn't like me...

Hi there,

The title definitely fits this piece, if I can say so.

cityofdragons wrote:As I watched the scheduled (?)rain at my dark window, I thought of you. In the bitter silence in my room, I was thinking(why go from 'thought' to 'was thinking'? it's a little jarring and annoying but an easy fix.) of you.
(paragraph break)
You as in the person I called for ten minutes every night. You as in wandering in the middle of the night, wrapped in blankets. You as in wondering(is this wandering/wondering repition deliberate? it's a little distracting, I think it was meant to be poetic but it really wasn't) whether to embrace you or not. That's who I was thinking about.
They say you can't find your "true love"(remove the parenthesis and italicize this to get the point across, it will appear more professional and readable.) when your a teenager, but this isn't my "true love." This is real love. Something that isn't in fairy tails, something REAL.(again italicize)
I jumped off my bed, or at least attempted to, and opened my window with my headWhat? this is confusing. Yes, I meant to do that. I stood up and took off my jacket to put one hand in the rain. Slipping my hand out the window, I watched a flock of blue and red lightning birds (give us a better image, this doesn't make a great deal of sense)zooming across the sky.
That's what made me think of you. Remember why we put our one hands in the rain? Yes, the peeing contest, you and me. Now I do it every time it rains, just to remember the memoriesjustas vividly as yesterday's memories. I remember the bird we named during the peeing contest. It was the brightest one in the flock, and unusually(how? find a better adjective to explain what sort of yellow, so we can see it. Unusual doesn't cut the mustard yellow. Do you remember what we called it? Oswald Fitzgerald was it's name.
So now, during my constant babbling, typing at my computer, I'm thinking about you, with my hand in the rain.
Some times I ask myself, if you remember my name, or phone number, or you just are using me. I know you have a girlfriend, and I know she's just for popularity points, so are you using me? You have only asked me for one or two favors that pulled this girl's puppet strings, but are you using me?

Okay so this does read like an adolescent rant to a lover. It's not bad, and I was being harsh, but only because it can be good. I think if you used a typeface, a header and an address to make it clear that it is a letter from the beginning the entire piece will become much stronger, because we will understand the theme and point of this piece from the start. You would also do well to tie the ending up a little neater, not disney neat, but make it make a little more sense. No one ends a letter like that (I hope this is supposed to be a letter after all that.)

Hope this helps,

JP

Hi There!
Romantic stories are my favourite... they may seem cliche or cheesy to other people, but I love them. So if you ever need someone to help you with a review, just let me know!
Anyway, onto your story here... I'll give you my overall in a bit- for now I'll give you specifics.

They say you can't find your "true love" when your a teenager, but this isn't my "true love." This is real love. Something that isn't in fairy tails, something REAL.

-I very much could relate to this section- so often I hear people say that teenagers don't know what true love is, and I think you've described very well here what every teenager is dying to say.

So now, during my constant babbling, typing at my computer, I'm thinking about you, with my hand in the rain.

-I like the leap from past to present tense; it wakens the story. It seems a little bit all over the place, but for whatever reason, I like it that way

I know you have a girlfriend, and I know she's just for popularity points, so are you using me?

-Ugh, I think it's safe to say we've all been in this situation. Once again, very believable and well phrased. The only thing I would suggest is adding more detail to do with this said girlfriend.

Ok, so overall you're grammar, spelling, etc. seemed to be in place. Although I'm not the best at finding errors in writing, so forgive me if I've missed something.
I really like what you've written here. The tone is very real , and the story itself is relateble.
I hope you make this into a bigger story; I'd be very interested in reading it!
Happy Writing,
-Briggsy