Young Writers Society

Prologue
Chapter 1
Chapters 2+3
Chapter 4
Chapter 6


It's short, so if you have any ideas on how to lengthen it, go ahead and feel free to speak up.

~Chapter 5~

Xylon trotted up to Grace in the rain. “Message from Silver.”
“Great, let’s get inside.” She motioned into one of the housing apartments. She read the note. “Ah, good. Two days until the meeting.” She rolled it up again and stuck it on a shelf. Xylon went off to find a place to shelter. Grace sat on her floor, back against the side of her bed. She wondered where Jack was, but knowing him, he would turn up sooner or later. Everyone was sheltering, trying not to get wet, since rain made fur and feathers smell musty and, well, wet. She pulled her journal from its hiding spot at the bottom of her shelf. What was it now, the middle of July? August? Darn, she’d been out here for several months…..
August 15 (?)
It rained today. Everyone is sheltering. I’m completely and utterly bored, but I did get a note back from Silver confirming that we need to talk. That should be good. Maybe then we can finally work together?
I can’t believe it…. In a few days school will start. I will not be there. I will be here, trying to keep the teenagers from all around the country together. It’s hard, but one day we’ll get out of here. You’ll see. We’ll find a chink in the fence. We’ll cut the electricity and go back into the world. I hope we’ll all be there to see that day….
She closed the book and stashed it under her pillow again, along with the only pencil she had. She stood up and paced around her small room. She remembered her parents. Her friends. Her little sister. All of which hadn’t seen her in at least five and a half months. She sighed at last, curling up on her bed, deciding to just…. Go to sleep.

The next day, the air was fresh and clear. The clouds had gone, and the fresh rain smell made the forest buzz with life.
Faith went outside and stretched, taking a few lung-fulls of the fresh air. “Hey, Hope.”
Hope poked her head out. “Yeah?”
“I think we should go for a fly. Enjoy the forest.” She smiled.
“Yeah, I suppose you’re right.” She came out and closed the door behind her. Pity they didn’t have locks.
They both stretched their wings out and jumped off the railing, launching into the air spectacularly. Hope quickly scanned the ground. No sign of Merlin. She finally smiled, at ease. They arched up, into the sky. They skipped in and out of the remaining clouds, pulling off turns and dives. This was pure enjoyment to them; sheer fun. They eventually flew next to each other, soaring on updrafts and drifting over the forest.
“This is great!” Hope smiled, exhilarated.
“I know, right?” Faith soared peacefully.
They smiled at each other, thankful for their unexpected friendship. Maybe I should tell her. She could give me comfort, tell me what seems to be the best option. “Faith, I-“ She was cut off by a dart zipping past her, its point sharp and buzzing with electricity. “Oh no.”
They both looked down. There was a group of four men, and three of them had taser guns. More tasers zipped their way. Automatically, they shifted into evasive maneuvers, zipping to and fro to keep from getting hit. They were being eased apart; whenever they tried to get back together more darts would zip between them. Suddenly, the firing ceased. Hope frantically looked for Faith, ready to take this opportunity to escape . She was a little ways off, staggering in her flight. A dart was sticking out of her wing, black and menacing.
Hope gasped. She started to fly towards her friend, but the darts began to fly again. “Faith!” She called.
Faith looked at her. “Hope…. Go, warn the others…. Don’t get caught, Hope!” She stammered as her wings ceased to work and she began to fall.
“No! FAITH!” She began to dive, only to get stuck in the arm. She quickly knocked it out and pulled up. She watched, helpless, as her best friend and partner crumpled, quickly taken by the enemy to experience whatever horrors they wanted to force on her. Hope shook her head in disbelief and quickly flew upwards, away from her pursuers. She attempted to soar back to the village, faltering slightly in her flight. It was only adrenaline that kept her in the air. When it came in sight, she realized just how dizzy she felt. She struggled to curve into the clearing. “Silver!” She called. Silver looked up from where she had been talking with another, who she thought was Sam, but could barely make him out. “Silver!” She called again as her wings quit working properly and she crumpled on the ground. “They got Faith… Silver, the white-coats got Faith….” She pleaded to Silver as she raced over, trying to keep the darkness from creeping in on her vision. The last thing she saw was Silver, her face tight and anxious, before she was consumed by a river of dark hopelessness.

Alright so Apple here I am for the full review of this baby. So first I'll open up with what I do review; your MC firstly is analysed because without a good one you might as well ditch your story right then and there. I also go over your plot and what I think could help (but you don't have to follow my advice), and then I just pick up on little things I noticed. Now that that is settled I'm going to get started.

I'll start off by saying that as this is your first novel, or you mentioned that before, I think this is bloody damn awesome. Ignore my cussing. Really, this is really good. Far better then my first novel and my second and my third and my fourth and...you get the point. In saying this, I did find some problems though. Great job by the way.

Your MC, Hope, firstly. When I read about her I can tell you I didn't quite get a lively vibe at all. It was as if you were pulling the strings and making her jump around to your command. Where is her thoughts? What does she feel? I think there was a little bit in there but not enough for me, especially in chapter one. This is a great way to add length to your chapters also and it allows the reader to really fit into your MC's shoes. As best as they can anyway. Without little droplets of the MC's thoughts the reader gets bored easily and...it's hard for me to keep reading. If it hadn't been for your kicking idea, I would've just skipped through unheedingly. As you went on though it began to show that there was some thoughts though as I said before, not enough.

What I suggest is printing out your chapters then sitting in front of it with a pen. Here you can either drum some music or listen to solitude (I drum the music as loud as I can), then what you must do is read and read. Place your mind into the character's body and ask yourself what would you feel. When Hope fell from the tree in the first novel, there wasn't any thoughts going through her mind. I would feel scared but then I'd also feel excited. What would you feel? That's what you place into the text. Read, think and then write. That is what you have to do to make a character strong unless you can do that by staring at a computer.

The other characters are a little to boring as well in chapter one. They sound a little cheesy and fake. Like you're forcing them to do something it doesn't seem they want to do. Of course, again, as you continue going I begin to like some of the characters; so far my favourite is Jack. I don't know why but he's got this spark that I lurve. Yes, lurve. As I read back saying there a little boring sounds a little harsh, I mean they lack depth. There kind of two dimensional, like a playing card (except for Jack! Oh, and Silver to). I'm saying this only in the first chapter, as you go further in they become more deeper though there is still some problems.

My suggestion to fix this: add more on your first chapter because frankly that chapter all together lacks depth. The beginning is great, I mean it's excellent, I was drawn in straight away (might I say you have a talent for that) but your characters are still flimsy. If you write a little a bit more about them, how they lived, give Hope's feelings on them then you'll see that they'll become three dimensional.

One other thing I spotted is that this idea is a 'lil cliche. Half human-half animal/white coats/a facility! These things are in like two other ideas: Maximum Ride definitely. As soon as I read the first paragraph I noticed this and Virals. Now I'm not saying anything bad but I suggest you have giant, mind blowing twists that are completely different from the other two books.

Though for your first book this is definitely very good, all of the chapters and the prologue, you definitely have talent. As I mentioned before, I do not do grammar but that doesn't mean that it is perfect. There is a thread about it, I reccomend you checking it out.

Good luck Dragon with your future writing,
Apple.

PS> Great Job.

Hey,
Great fifth chapter. Okay, I'm going to throw you a curve ball. As a reviewer, I'm more into the "Here are the small things that you should fix" because I don't like messing with the main idea. Honestly, the most help I've ever gotten is people tearing up my story and going through it bit by bit though everyone reviews differently, and I'm not trying to tell anyone how to review. I know I've said I like your characters and I really do, the main ones. I do agree with Apple though. Some of them are a little two dimensional. Especially the ones that haven't been in the story as long like Grace, like Faith, like Merlin to a point though he is my favorite.
I also think more thought could do your novel wonders. I do want to add that "thoughts" per say don't have to be thoughts. It can be like "A thrill of fear went through Hope as she saw Faith's wings falter in their rhythm," instead of "She thought, Gosh, Merlin is really annoying." Either way is fine though.
Maximum Ride popped into my mind too, but I can't stand the word cliche. I think you can make any idea your own. If not, I would be doomed as an author because all of my original ideas for a novel start from some other thing that I don't even remember anymore since I twisted it around so.

Maybe then we can finally work together?
The birds and mammals are having a problem? You haven't brought that up before, and they seemed to like each other before now with the saving of the birds and all.

I can’t believe it…. In a few days school will start.
I think will should be would here since it's not actually going to start for her since she's in some science facility.

I will not be there. I will be here, trying to keep the teenagers from all around the country together. It’s hard, but one day we’ll get out of here. You’ll see. We’ll find a chink in the fence. We’ll cut the electricity and go back into the world. I hope we’ll all be there to see that day….
I know I erased most of it already, but to ease confusion, I think the journal entry should be in italics.

“Yeah, I suppose you’re right.” She came out and closed the door behind her. Pity they didn’t have locks.
The last sentence is a little random and unneeded. As a reader, we don't really know why that matters or why Hope would care.

She was cut off by a dart zipping past her, its point sharp and buzzing with electricity.
What kind of darts are these exactly? I've had a picture of a tranquilizer dart, and this is some kind of electric thing. You've never really described them.

More tasers zipped their way.
I'm not sure where you're located, so you might have a different definition for taser, but for Americans, it's a weapon like a gun not a projectile like a bullet or dart. It's just confusing me more.

She quickly knocked it out and pulled up.
Small nitpick that I don't follow half the time but is really needed. Don't end your sentences with a preposition like up, down, under, over, beside. It's just good grammar.

Hope shook her head in disbelief
That's all she did? Her friend just got captured by the scientist that are keeping them in a forest and perform crazy experiments, and she's just going to shake her head? Even if she runs in cowardice, it's better than this and more realistic.

Silver looked up from where she had been talking with another, who she thought was Sam, but could barely make him out.
This sentence is confusing. Here's what I could come up with to clear it up. "Silver looked up from where she had been talking with another, who seemed to be Sam, but his face was too blurred for Hope to tell anymore." I also changed the ending so it doesn't end with a prep.

Okay, so... I think I've said something about this before, but pronouns are a little confusing if you use them in odd places. At the end of this chapter, I would definitely say you need to reread the end at least.
Very nice cliff hanger. I am a lover of a cliff hanger, so the ending was great in my opinion, in that way.
I apologize for how long it took me to give you this review. I've been really lazy with everything. I haven't edited in forever. I'm looking forward to the next chapter and for the new dragon novel that you posted something about on your wall, if that doesn't sound too stalkerish.