Young Writers Society

Okay, this is my first novel. I'm just wanting to go through the process of writing one. And FYI, this is as much of a romantic novel as it is science fiction or action, I just chose this genera because it seemed to not have as much posting activity. Also, this first chapter is intentionally short. Later chapters will be at least 2,000 words.



The city streets around me swirled into chaos. Pedestrians were sprinting in all directions, on the sidewalk, through buildings, even in the middle of the street. They were screaming various things, like “Get the fuck out of my way!”, “What the hell is that?”, and “That son of a bitch is coming!”, everyone trying to either escape the inevitable or to find their loved ones. Cars sped through stop signs, and red lights, and even into each other, showing clear disregards for the most basic of traffic laws. They were not accepting reality, something I had already done. Or, maybe, they just didn’t know the sheer force of what was about to happen. Looking down at my watch, it read ‘0:57’, counting down by the second.

I looked at Charmaine, my girlfriend, and held her beautifully exquisite hand. She turned her head to face mine, and we locked eyes. We came closer together, and as I touched her back, I leaned my head forward to touch her warm lips with mine. Her beautiful, long brown hair blew in the wind as an enormous gust blew through the streets, coming onto contact with my skin. As we kissed, the chaos continued around us, as cars got into wrecks, and men got into fist fights during their final hour.

Pulling away from my kiss with Charmaine, I stared into her beautiful, blue eyes. “I love you, Kinsely,” she whispered to me. Despite the insanity unfolding around us, I still heard her as if we were in my home. I whispered the amazing words back to her, and glanced quickly at my watch again: ‘0:03’. Was I ready to die? No, I wasn’t ready yet, I had so much of my life ahead of me. I was only 17, a Junior in High School, I had just taken to SAT for college application. And I wanted to spend the rest of my life with Charmaine, I really loved her, she was the most amazing girl I had ever met. I had accepted fate, though, there was nothing left I could do to escape death, so I wanted to accept it while spending my last few moments of life with my girlfriend.

I gave Charmaine one last hug, at the last second either of us could do anything. Then, as if fate had said we were done, I heard the loudest explosion I had ever heard, it was as if someone had set off a nuclear bomb right next to my ear. Only, I felt it this time, unlike any movie I had ever watched, I was the one dying this time. An intense, sharp pain struck every part of my body, and sunk quickly through it to reach everywhere inside my body. The split second agony quickly faded, and before I knew it my sight had gone away, I couldn’t see anything, I couldn’t hear anything, and slowly, I began to not be able to think anything.

Version 1.1 (Suggestions from first 5 reviewers added.)

I found a few grammatical mistakes but besides that it sounds like your book is going to be great.

a constant serge of horns echoed as their angry occupants became inpatient.

and we locked eyes

I leaned my head forward to touch her warm lips with mine.

coming in contact with my skin.

Hello there DarkRain!

First of all, you have a good moving piece. The pacing was flowing very well because you actually didn't have any awkward sentences existing on this piece. Though it was short, it was enough that you have described the scene around your characters: the people frantic and all. Actually your main character and Charmaine had bothered me off at first, but then I realized they were just this couple who had no time to panic but to face the reality. They were going to die but you didn't give us the chance to know why. That probably was the missing piece that lacked in this puzzle. What were the reasons? Who had manipulated the nuclear bomb? Who was responsible for it?

You see, if the first chapter started by a conflict, this would lead your readers to a slight confusion. Though I'm not hurrying you to answer these questions, I just wanted to say that you need to support every problem occurring here. You seemed to have a relaxed character when in fact there would be a nuclear explosion soon. Shouldn't he have at least thought something about it? Because he seemed to care less and pretty reluctant around his surroundings, like he was just all, "Okay... so there is going to be a nuclear explosion? Not a big deal, eh?" I mean, I don't think your readers would want to have a character like that. And the setting wasn't quite introduced: where were they at that time? Also, you just need to work on your character's reaction, views and his persona development. We need more details about your MC.

Overall, this has potential. I am looking forward to the next chapter. Please let me know if you have it already. ^^ So, this review is based entirely on my opinions. Let me know if you have any questions.

Keep writing,
Yuri

Hey, DarkRain. You know, that's a pretty epic name.
Overall, this piece was interesting and I think the idea is very gripping. I would be interested in reading this if you keep going.
Just a couple notes:
Since this piece is so short, I'd recommend it being a prologue instead of a chapter.
At times this piece seemed a little awkward and bulky, like you're writing didn't have anywhere to stretch. Gah, I don't know how to describe it. I can't put my finger on it. Maybe add a little more detail and take out some of the unnecessary or shorten it down. To me this seems like you're in the city with all those screaming people during the Apocalypse or something. Add that you're standing in a hectic city block with burning skyscrapers above you. Sounds epic, right? Add some feel, like what the air smells like or looks like.

Other than that I think you're good. Carry on and happy writing:)

--Lollipopper

First things first, I would like to say, welcome to YWS!

Oh I like this! It sounds like it is going to be very interesting! I so however agree with Lollipopper, you should probably either extend this chapter or make it the prologue.

Keep writing!

~FW~

"Everything around me was going chaotic." This is kind of a passive way to say it, and I'm not sure passive is generally good for a first line. I'd like something a little more grabbing. "Chaos was all around me." Or, cut out the was! "Chaos swirled all around me." "Everything around me swirled into chaos." *shrug* I like the word 'swirled' today. Go figure.

"Pedestrians were sprinting around everywhere, screaming various things, likely trying to either escape the inevitable or to find their loved ones." Where is 'everywhere.' Where are these people? What kinds of things are they screaming, specifically. To just say that they're sprinting everywhere and screaming things is a little vague, and again, not as gripping.

"Cars were going at fast speeds, giving a blatant disregard for traffic laws and safety, as constant serge of horns echoed as their angry occupants became inpatient." Some passive language here again. I think you'd draw the reader into the story more if you said something more like 'Cars sped by with blatent disregard for the traffic laws that no longer applied' or something like that. Serge should be surge, and there should be an 'a' before it. "as constant serge of horns echoed as their angry occupants became inpatient" It also sounds odd to have as... as. Inpatient should be impatient.

"They were not accepting reality, something I had already done" Okay, so if this guy has accepted it, maybe his voice can be a little more stiff and unfeeling. But still, make that carry through. Less vague, more resigned.

His kiss with Charmaine... It made me go :/. Then again, maybe it's just me and my personal preference. One of my pet peeves is the 'perfect' couple. Those adjectives... 'Exquisitely beautiful. Her beautiful hair..." Their world's about to end (for some reason that you don't really disclose) and he's sittin' there thinkin' about how beautiful she is. Which is fine, I guess, but I'd be getting the urge to do something a little more productive and a lot less cheesy. But again, this could just be me.

A good last line, I think, but this little snippet kind of failed to catch my attention. You don't really give us any detail for why things are about to end, or how he has this countdown right to the exact second. Half of it is him smoochin' his girlfriend, which I guess is cute, but maybe not that interesting to a reader who's had zero time to bond with these characters, and therefor zero time to care about them and their method of kissing each other. *shrug*

I always love a good 'end of the world' story, but generally I like to know why the world is ending. More details, please. :]

Keep writing! ^^

UPDATED TO VERSION 1.1

Suggestions from the above were all taken into consideration while revising this piece. The only one that I completely ignored was the suggestion to make it a prologue, for two reasons:
1) It would be too confusing to switch this to a prologue and then make a chapter one after this, being as people would look at that and think 'oh I've read this already'.
2) I like a short first chapter like this, I look upon prologues as possibly deletable, and this is not. This is the first event in the story, right after this is chapter 2, things will make sense later.

Also, as for the guy who posted about things being confusing and not explained, that was the point behind this story. From the replies, seems as if it was effective with some, and not effective with others. Oh well, bottom line is I do plan on tying up any and all questions that anyone could possibly raise regarding this chapter.

Thank you very much for the reviews everyone!

Ooh very nice.

Great description, showing and not telling (which is a first and I must say *great*...this is a pretty darn great first novel! I guess I don't really have much to critique because I don't do grammar/spelling anymore. To me that just doesn't teach a writer how to work on their grammatical problems and I'm afraid that reading through this I did find some. It's simply your commars. You play confetti with them and just slap one in where you find fit.

Just like me.

PS. I'm Apple and I'll be your reviewer today.

Not good. I know because my english teacher rips out her own hair when she sees my writing. And that is very uncomfortable. I'm not going to point out where you should place them (because I'm not great at it either) but I will say that you should check out a forum that works specifically for that. It will really help because it did help me so don't skip on it. But otherwise, you should only place a commar into your writing when you have to take a breather and a full stop doesn't seem fit. A semi-colon on the other hand can also come in handy as it is only used when you're connecting two sentences together to make one, long sentence. But you don't really need to know that.

Other then that this story was ace, seriously. Maybe because it is very short or maybe because you just got talent but either way, great job and effort. I do have one thing to point out because to me realism in stories kind of bugs me even if the world is so far-fetched. Now honestly, a boy of seventeen would not be calm and awaiting death as if it were a simple sun shower and neither would a seventeen year old girl. There would honestly be fear and it doesn't entirely matter if they've come to believe this is their last day. The fear would still be there!

What I'm saying is that you should place some kind of emotion in this other then the love for each other. Sure that should be in there but seriously, really speaking now, you wouldn't be kissing someone with a large bomb (or what ever it was) flying your way now would you. You'd atleast try and get out of the way, it's a natural human instinct. Just consider that. You don't have to change it but I'm just saying that the emotions weren't enough for me.

Another thing I picked up was the ending wasn't that nail biting. It was thrilling though it wasn't enough for me to go "oh no!". You need to shorten your sentences maybe, make a cliff hanger no matter how many people hate you for it. To me the end was solid though it could've been stronger. Again it's up to you but I suggest making it a little more anguished and heart jerking like the girlfriend screaming out, or the boy's last words being her name. Where are the parents by the way? I bet if you're about to die your family, no matter how bad, would cross your mind. Explaining this could also add some length if you were lost for ideas.

Other then those little things, I think that this idea was pretty darn great. You really have talent as a writer and I cannot wait to read more on this. PM when you have more because you definitely have a fan!

Keep going and good luck,
Apple.