Young Writers Society

DELETED!!

dasiamari wrote:As I walkedcomma Llooking at the uncolorful world, I sighed full stop tThe rain washed it all awayfull stop tThe colors ran from everything ,wall,
leaves,even skin color ran into the street like watercolor paint , now every thing was white.The school was closed because the words on white paper wherewere invisable invisibleYou need to explain this point further, I only understand it from having read and re-read it..Everything looked the samefull stop. cChildren aged beyond there years with white hair and pale skin.Maybe put something in here about how they resembled ghosts? The rain took it all away that, horrible rain that came pouring down as any other ,but much worste as the colors disappered down the sewers. Everyoneseem to have forgotten the colors but not me , I pulled out the one thing that was truly mine, the prize my mother gave me before taking her life the prize my father made before deciding that my mother was no longer pretty with her jet black hair now white, her skin no longer pink...Don`t think about them! I commaned myself as I pulled out the smooth brown box .

You need to watch your punctuation and the way some of your descriptions conflict with one another, for example: If everyone had forgotten the colours then why did the father remember that the mother was beautiful?
Also we as the reader become very confused in this passage; although it is good to have an element of confusion somehow I think you have taken it too far. We have no idea if it is still raining, how long it has been going on for, or where everyone else is. This again is due to some conflicting descriptions.
Feel free to contact me if you have any questions
Happy Writing!

I agree with IcyFlame. This looks interesting, but the bad punctuation and the way it was written really threw me off and CONFUSED me. I get that a terrible rain came and everything is colorless, but beyond that this is like...eh. It's just a prologue, but that almost is even more important, in getting a reader's attention. That is the VERY first part of story and they notice and read that first.

You need to ad a bit more emotion and excitement to this. Right now, (as stated before) I'm basically only getting that rain washed all color away, and that's not enough. What is the character's feelings in this crisis? Why did everyone forget color, yet not her? What happened when the colors first started disappearing? Were people panicking? Shocked? Or were they simply unable to realize?

You really should go back, first off, fix up the punctuation mistakes, of which you have MANY. (Not trying to be rude, but it's pretty bad.) And try to clean up your wording so reader's can understand what you're saying. Also, as I said, try adding more feeling so the reader WANTS to find out what happens because of the girl's reactions, or feelings, and not merely because rain washing color away is unusual.

OK. So, this has caught my interest despite the issues presented. I'm curious as to what caused the rain, why it made things colorless, what this girl has to do, and how the conflict, (no color) is solved. Message me with your next section please!!

Ooers. This kind of reminds me of the movie, Pleasantville, which is an awesome movie and I very much recommend it. It also has hints to The Giver.

My main question is, how does she know that all the colors are gone? Why doesn't she simply assume she's become colorblind? It may be an interesting twist if she thinks she's colorblind and then she sees something with color? And why don't they still use the same words for color? If it's that engrained in society, I think it would be hard to get rid of it!

Just a couple of thoughts. Also, everybody else is right! Grammar and spelling are lovely things. Don't get so excited with posting your story that you forget to proofread!

i agree. Interesting start but watch the typos. I like the idea of the "Children aged beyond their years". Maybe explain this more. What does their hair look like in the setting? Is there a specific old person that the children remind the narrator of? All in all, interesting story

Okay This used to be Rain fall now its Dark turner .