Young Writers Society

It's here, it's finally here!

He’d been wandering around for hours, days. They let him go without a word. Just as he had no idea why they let him go, he didn’t know who they were, where he was, or why he was even with them. The little boy pressed his hand to his temple. A dull ache throbbed in his head and the world around him swam. Something was wrong.

Vertigo overtook him and his thin legs gave out. He fell to the ground, unable to catch himself or even care. He slept.

A sharp pain in his side woke him. He stirred, opening his eyes slowly to see a person looming over him. He reared his leg back to kick the boy again, but the child sat up.

“Hey, kid,” the person muttered. “Shouldn’t you be at home?”

“My name’s Max. And yeah, I should. And I would be too, but I don’t remember where that is.”

The person, an older man, sneered at Max as he passed, mumbling about kids refusing advice of their elders. Max pouted but toddled after the man, his legs still weak. “Do you know where my house is?”

“No. Kid—”

“Max.”

“Max. Get outta here. You don’t wanna be out here this time o’ night.” The man's eyes shifted back and forth. He peered at the young boy urgently. It was the first time Max got a good look at his face: bloodshot eyes sunk back in dark circles, gaunt cheeks, rotting teeth. The boy shrunk back for a moment but refused to be intimidated.

“Why is that?”

“Didn’t nobody teach you manners? Don’t question your elders, boy,” the man barked.

“Sorry. I just—never mind.” Max shrugged and walked away, desperately trying to find his house.

He couldn’t remember for the life of him where he was before. He didn’t know his name until he spat it out. Other memories trickled back to him, like his parents’ names, and his hometown, and his seventh birthday, but nothing important about the Grey Men.

He just remembered them setting him free. He frowned, an inexplicable feeling of fright trickling down his spine. He shook his head in an effort to clear the thoughts of the men. He walked down a side street, shivering in the cold.

Max’s stomach rumbled. He looked at his tummy and frowned. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d eaten. The boy looked around, quickly spotting a bakery. He licked his lips as he thought of a piece of cake, complete with melting chocolate frosting and sprinkles. His stomach growled again. He marched into the bakery, knowing he had no money.

The baker looked down at him and wrinkled his nose. Max remembered he probably hadn’t seen a bathtub in the entire time he was with the Grey Men.

“What do you want?” the baker asked sharply.

“Um...I’m just looking,” Max said.

The baker only harrumphed in response. The boy smiled again, unperturbed, and examined the loaves of bread. The baker left to the back room and a woman, short and plump, walked out. “Can I help you?”

Max's eyes widened as he looked up innocently at the woman. “Miss lady, I’m really, really hungry. And I can’t find my mommy and daddy. I don’t have any money...so I should probably go. I’m sorry to bother you, miss lady.”

The older woman frowned. “You can’t find them, sweetie?”

“I haven’t seen them in three days.” Max lied. He knew it was actually longer, but he didn’t know how much she’d believe.

“Here, let’s not tell my husband about this, okay?” She smiled. “You poor thing.” She doddered over to a smaller cabinet, away from the general goods, and began pulling items out: breads, pastries, a tiny chocolate cake. She placed them in a basket and brought it over to Max.

“I wish I could help, but you wouldn't be okay here; the Catchers begin their rounds soon. Good luck, little one. I hope you find a place to stay for the night.” She smiled kindly. “I hope you find your parents, too.”

“Thank you so much,” Max said, completely in earnest for the first time since meeting the woman. He felt tiny pricks of tears springing up behind his eyes, but didn’t know why he was so moved. It was just a little food, only enough for a day or two.

He left soon after, finding a quiet place to eat by a garbage bin in a back alley. He ate the cake, crying in confusion. He was happy to have food, but he wished he had his parents. He feared the worst. He wanted so desperately to remember.

After eating, he curled up by the bin and tried to sleep.

“Hey, you, kid. Why are you crying in front of a garbage bin? You lose something? It’s pretty easy to get it back, you simply—”

“No. I’m not stupid. And I wasn’t crying.” Max crossed his arms.

“Sure looks like it to me.”

“No, it was just…raining.” The boy tried to joke, sitting up and facing the voice, which belonged to an older boy who stared down at Max.

The older kid snorted. “Raining---on your face?”

“Yeah. Exactly,” Max began, standing up and brushing himself off. He pushed the glasses up his nose with his right hand. “It was definitely raining…on my face. It didn’t rain long, ‘cause the ground isn’t wet.”

The boy shook his head. “Okay then. Well um, why were you all curled up?”

The younger boy shrugged. “Um…it’s nice there? I dunno.”

“Yes you do.”

“Nuh-uh.”

“Oh no, we are not about to do this. Tell me why.” The bigger kid insisted, crossing his arms.

“Why should I? What’s in it for me?” Max retorted, matching the other’s posture.

“I can tell you where to find food, and show you a place to sleep that’s a lot better than where you were.”

Max considered the offer. “I…I can’t find my mom and dad. One day, I came home from school, and blam! They were gone.”

“When was this?” the boy asked, brows furrowing.

“A while ago.” Max shrugged again. “I can’t stay in that house anymore---I don’t know where it is.”

“Wait, really?” At this point, the older boy was more incredulous than anything.

“Yeah. I’ve spent the last...long time wandering around, trying to find my house. Except, I don’t remember what it looks like, either.”

Older Boy pressed his palm to his forehead. “Look, kid---”

“It’s Max.”

“Okay, Max--”

“Sir Max, actually.”

“There is no way I am calling you ‘Sir Max.’” The other boy shook his head. “Max, you should probably come with me. I and some of my friends can help you, if you’d like.”

Max seemed to think it over. He lolled his head around, making a huge show of his decision making, holding his chin between his thumb and index finger, murmuring some “Hmmmms.” The older kid tried not to laugh.

“Let's go!” Max said, jogging to meet up with his new friend.

You don't know how excited I am to review this. This will be my first review for a sci-fi! Yay me! And thanks, Sporks - for the explanation, I mean. (LOL) I'll try my best to review this. So *drumroll* Here it goes...

First will be the nitpicks:

NITPICKS|PAY ATTENTION

Bloodshot eyes sunken back in dark circles, hollowed and gaunt cheeks, rotting teeth.

I have a problem with these kinds of descriptions, Sporks. I mean, let's take a look at the construction: You were talking about the man Max met, then we encounter this description about the man. The first part of the line is a phrase, so are the next two parts. It's not even a sentence. Nothing wrong with that. Phrases can be used to spice up your prose, but this particular line is confusing. "Bloodshot eyes sunken back in dark circles, hallowed..." then we read about the cheeks which is connected to the preceding phrase by the conjunction and, then we see a phrase again, now describing about the teeth. See the way it can confuse readers? Maybe you can just attach this to the preceding sentence to describe the man; but I suggest you put a comma between hallowed and and because if you don't, it will seem that hallowed and gaunt cheeks is one phrase, which is just also confusing. O_o

“Sorry. I just---never mind.”

I've encountered this "---" throughout the manuscript. People sometimes use an endash, sometimes an emdash. I think this is an emdash, but I think you should only use two hyphens to point that out. By the way, you've used two hyphens before somewhere in the piece (sorry, I can't locate it anymore), but you did...so yeah. I suggest stick with a couple of hyphens. Three hyphens seem too long. Now, this is just format nitpicking. Nothing big.

He licked his lips as he thought of a piece of cake, complete with melting chocolate frosting, <I think there shouldn't be a comma here...>and sprinkles.

I think the comma should only be inserted when there's a list of things. Well, nothing wrong, but it just doesn't seem necessary. That's all. =)

The boy smiled again, unperturbed and examined the loaves of bread.

Don't you think there should be a comma after unperturbed? Just to point out the elliptical sentence "The boy examined..." This adjective clause seems out of place without the comma. You can always put this word before "boy" but that will lessen the spice in your prose writing, that's why I think you just separate it from the sentence with a pair of commas. Just to avoid confusion.

She doddered over to a smaller cabinet, away from the general goods, and began pulling items out. Breads, pastries, a tiny chocolate cake, and put them in a basket.

That is out of place, really.

She doddered over to a smaller cabinet, away from the general goods, and began pulling items out - breads, pastries, a tiny chocolate cake - and put them in a basket.

The hyphens above are for en dashes. I think the rearranged sentence above is better because "put them in a basket" is now in place; it's clear that the woman was the one who put the goods in the basket. I know, people will get it. But I think it's a little confusing, and readers would have to read that again before they get it. Or I'm just too slow.

Last nitpick.

Concerning the dialogue...

“No. I’m not stupid. And I wasn’t crying,” Max sniffled.

“Uh. Sure. Let’s go,” Max nodded.

Girl, I don't think those are dialogue tags. Maybe insert "said" somewhere there. You get what I mean.

Continued...

Okay, so. Awesomesauce. I only have, like, really little comments.

First, I have no idea what time period it's in...like, I assume it's a really long time ago, because a homeless three year old (or really young kid who's remembering his 3rd birthday for some other reason)? But then, a three year old with glasses? Can't be too long ago. So if you'd mention, like, one surrounding of that period, it would be helpful.

The boy shook his head, sitting up and facing the voice, which belonged to a boy, not much older than Max.

I thought it was awkward that first you referred to him as "the boy," then at the end of the sentence by his name. Also, it's awkward that you say "the boy" twice so quickly. Maybe you could say something like "Max shook his head, sitting up and facing the voice, which belonged to a boy, not much older than he." Or something.

I also think it's weird that a three-year-old would say that he had a "bad sense of direction."

He frowned, an inexplicable feeling of fright trickled down his spine.

That is a run-on.

And that totals all of my legitimate issues with this.

Other than that, I love it. It's cliche for me to say that the first paragraph had me interested right away, but that's the case.

Click here for post 1.

I'm back, Sporks - for the overall review. OK, I'm really not gonna babble about this. I just want to point out a couple of things.

First would be about the MC. I honestly thought he was - older. Maybe you can point out from the beginning that the MC's a child. Well, maybe it's just me. Some readers prefer waiting for more information. But, as for readers like me, maybe you can point out about that just a bit earlier. Because the truth is, I was groping while I was reading... Maybe you can tell us that a small body was curled up on the ground, or something like that. You can't imagine the look on my face when I heard Max plead for food like a child. Oh, so he's a child, was what I thought.

Next thing to tell you is the descriptions. Girl, I tell ya... I wanted more descriptions! The first part is OK really. I was enjoying it, but by the end, I feel like there could have been more said. *shrugs* Maybe, as I said before, it's just me. I don't really know.

So, I'm almost done with my review. I just have to say it's a job well done, Sporks! A job well done. So far, we know nothing about the Gray Men. But it will come, it will come. Keep the slow pace. I like that. So there, if you have any questions just PM me. I'll be ever so happy to help out. And if you post the next chap, and you need another review, drop by my wall. I'll be honored to be called again for a next review.

So yeah, I really, really hope that I helped.

~ Jash ♥

Hey stalker! Here to review on request. I'll probably split this review into two parts as my computer can freeze when I try to post a really long reveiw. Thus, I would lose all the hard work I will put into this. You already knew that though. Right? Right.
Here is my WRFF thread by the way, you said you couldn't find it.
The Review Restaurant
I thought you might like to stalk that too...ocassionally.
On to the review. I'll start with grammar, if I can find anything to fix; I'll fix it.

RED is mistakes and bits I didn't like.
BLUE is general comments.
---->>>

SporkPunk wrote:He’d been wandering around for hours, days. They let him go without a word. Just likeThis should be as. So; Just as he had no idea...etc he had no idea why they let him go, he didn’t know who they were, where he was, or why he was even with them. The little boy pressed his hand to his temple. A dull ache throbbed in his head,No comma. and the world around him swam. Something was wrong.

Vertigo overtook him,No comma. and his thin legs gave out. He fell to the ground, unable to catch himself or even care. He slept.

A sharp pain toThis should be in his side the side woke him. The weirdness was gone. He exhaled happily,Take out the comma, I think comma's are a bit of a problem huh? Don't worry about, I automatically tap comma all the time. It doesn't look good so I generally scrutinze my work before I post it. and searched for the source of the ache. A person.

“Get up, kid,” the person muttered. “Shouldn’t you be at home?”

“My name’s Max. And yeah, I should. And I would be too,No comma.but I don’t remember where that is.”

The person, an older man, sneered at Max as he passed, thinking Max was trying to fool him. Max pouted but toddled after the man, his legs still weak. “Do you know where my house is?”

“No. Kid—”

“Max.”

“Max. Go away. You don’t wanna be out here this time o’ night.” The man shifted his eyes back and forth.This doesn't read right. It should be; The man's eyes shifted back and forth. The way you have it sounds like the man is forcing himself to move his eyes..or something. He peered at the young boy urgently. It was the first time Max got a good luck at his face: bloodshot eyes sunken back in dark circles, gaunt cheeks,I think an and would suit here but it's not a necessary change so do what you like. :0 rotting teeth. The boy shrunk back for a moment,No comma but refused to be intimidated.

“Why is that?”

“Didn’t nobody teach you manners? Don’t question your elders,I'm pretty sure there shouldn't be a comma here either. boy,” the man barked.

“Sorry. I just—never mind.” Max shrugged and walked away, desperately trying to find his house.

He couldn’t remember for the life of him where he was before. He didn’t know his name until he spat it out. Other memories trickled back to him, like his parents’ names, and his hometown, and his seventh birthday, but nothing important about the Grey Men.

He just remembered them setting him free. He frowned, an inexplicable feeling of fright trickling down his spine. He shook his head in an effort to clear the thoughts of the men. He walked down a side street,No comma here either. shivering in the cold.

Max’s stomach roaredI'm not sure this make's sense. I know what you want to get at here but the word roared doesn't fit. Try rumbled or groaned or gurgled loudly or somrthing like that. . He looked at his tummy and frowned. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d eaten. The boy looked around, quickly spotting a bakery. He licked his lips as he thought of a piece of cake, Take out another comma.complete with melting chocolate frosting and sprinkles. His stomach growled again. He marched into the bakery, knowing he had no money.

The baker looked down at him and wrinkled his nose. Max remembered he probably hadn’t seen a bathtub in the entire time he was with the Grey Men.

“What do you want?” the baker asked sharply.

“Um...I’m just looking,” Max smiled winningly.

The baker only harrumphed in response. The boy smiled again, unperturbed, and examined the loaves of bread. The baker left to the back room and a woman, short and plump, walked out. “Can I help you?”

Max widened his eyes,No comma!! and looked up innocently at the woman. “Miss lady, I’m really, really hungry. And I can’t find my mommy and daddy. I don’t have any money...so I should probably go. I’m sorry to bother you, miss lady.”

The older woman frowned. “You can’t find them, sweetie?”

“I haven’t seen them in three days.” Max lied. He knew it was actually longer, but he didn’t know how much she’d believe.

“Here, let’s not tell my husband about this, okay?” She smiled. “You poor thing.” She dodderedI'm pretty sure this isn't a word! Try tottered. over to a smaller cabinet, away from the general goods, and began pulling items out: breads, pastries, a tiny chocolate cake. She placed them in a basket and brought it over to Max.

“I’d offer you a place,Free the comma's but my husband hates children. Good luck, little one. I hope you find a place to stay for the night.” She smiled kindly. “I hope you find your parents, too.”

“Thank you so much,” Max said, completely in earnest for the first time since meeting the woman. He felt tiny pricks of tears springing up behind his eyes,ARGH! Another evil comma! but didn’t know why he was so moved. It was just a little food, only enough for a day or two.

He left soon after, finding a quiet place to eat by a garbage bin in a back alley. He ate the cake, crying in confusion. He was happy to have food, but he wished he had his parents. He feared the worst. He wanted so desperately to remember.

After eating, he curled up by the bin and tried to sleep.

“Hey, you, kid. Why are you crying in front of a garbage bin? You lose something? It’s pretty easy to get it back, you simply—”

“No. I’m not stupid. And I wasn’t crying.” Max crossed his arms.

“Sure looks like it to me.”

“No, it was just…raining.” The boy shook his head, sitting up and facing the voice, which belonged to a boy, not much older than Max.

The older kid snorted. “Raining---on your face?”

“Yeah. Exactly,” Max began, standing up and brushing himself off. He pushed the glasses up his nose with his right hand. “It was definitely raining…on my face. It didn’t rain long, ‘cause the ground isn’t wet.”

The boy shook his head. “Okay then. Well um, why were you all curled up?”

The younger boy shrugged. “Um…it’s nice there? I dunno.”

“Yes you do.”

“Nuh-uh.”

“Oh no, we are not about to do this. Tell me why.” The bigger kid insisted, crossing his arms.

“Why should I? What’s in it for me?” Max retorted, matching the other’s posture.

“I can tell you where to find food, and show you a place to sleep that’s a lot better than where you were.”

Max considered the offer. “I…I can’t find my mom and dad. One day, I came home from school, and blam! They were gone.”

“When was this?” the boy asked, brows furrowing.

“A while ago.” Max shrugged again. “I can’t stay in that house anymore---I don’t know where it is.”

“Wait, really?” At this point, the older boy was more incredulous than anything.

“Yeah. I have a terrible sense of direction. So I’ve spent the last month wandering around, trying to find my house. Except, I don’t remember what it looks like, either.”

Older Boy pressed his palm to his forehead. “Look, kid---”

“It’s Max.”

“Okay, Max--”

“Sir Max, actually.”

“There is no way I am calling you ‘Sir Max.’” The other boy shook his head. “Max, you should probably come with me. I and some of my friends can help you, if you’d like.”

Max seemed to think it over. He lolled his head around, making a huge show of his decision making, holding his chin between his thumb and index finger, murmuring some “Hmmmms.” The older kid tried not to laugh.

“Uh. Sure. Let’s go,” Max said, jogging to meet up with his new friend.

Ok all in all, I quite like this. I do,really. It was quite a cute plot but I can tell there will be more. I'm thinking the Grey Men drugged him or something? I'll just let my imagination run wild. x3

Your punctuation and grammar weren't bad at all. The minor mistakes were mainly just word cliches~words that you misused or put in the wrong tense. The major problem throughout the piece was comma's. Everywhere I look there were un needed comma's. To be honest I used to have that problem. It's so easy just to tap the comma key occassionly or in your case... nearly ever second! It's not anything serious but it looks really scrappy and messing in writing. Your story was excellent and I really enjoyed the little sneaky lines of humor but the comma's got to me. I would say that by doing a quick read over and deleting all the un needed comma's I pointed out this will really put depth into your work as it's obvious you've spent time thinking about the plot and the storyling in general. Do you have microsoft word? Sometimes if you draft your work on that first it will outline the un needed comma's in red thus, it will show you where you went wrong and where to take them out before posting it so your work seems more complete.

END OF REVIEW ONE. *Be back soon..*

Heh back again to ramble on about your plot, imagery and general boring stuffs!

--->>

Ok, as I said previously your plot was very enjoyable. You didn't rush through and you wrote it at a good pace.It wasn't too fast or too slow, too confusing or not confusing enough. Your efforts shone through your work and it was obvious that it wasn't something you'd just flung together. The words you chose really fitted together and when using dialogue, in the words you pick we could really get to see the charchter of Max a lot better. We understand that he's a little confused he wants to appear hard but reallyon the inide he wants to be loved. As I always say, writing is about telling. Its about showin. Show us why he went to the bakery, show us how he felt when he came back to an empty house~Was it in ruins? Was ther blood? These are the little things that make a story complete and I felt you did enough of that. Some questions *the ones above* were left unanswered though. I don't want to comment on this to strongly because I'm thinking that maybe all of that will come in the next chaper? You'll defiantly have one YWSer that will be waiting for the next chapter! Generally speaking, Ididn't feel we got anywhere with this chapter. Max didn't really do anything did he? He went to a bakery, he cried behng a garbage can, he followed a man to ask him where his house was. Do you get? Even though this wa good and I did like reading, there was no action or anythigng to draw us in for the next chapter. Yes we know that by following this boy who promises him food and a roof over his headit could end in disaster but there was no line to get s interested like;

Little did I know, that was one of the last choices I would ever get to make or Why couldn't I see the danger?

Just a short line that would catch our attention and make us scared~help us feel the anticipaoin for the next part.

Your imagery was very good, for me I don't like to much flowery detail that makes every single things so explicit because life isn't like that. Life isn't all beautiful description is it?Its life, just the way it is, bland and straight *Most of the time* You used just the right amount of description and detail so you made me happy.
That's really all I have.

You did a good job on this and jt remember the thing with the comma's. Try it out on th Word document. It might help but then it might not. T and tell me how you get on. I might be able to squeeze me more advice out of my brain to help you.

Keep writing and let me know when the next chapter is out!
Kaka xo

Hey,
I'm here to give you a review in return for the one given on The Masquerader. Thanks, by the way.
This was very intruiging and definitely has me wondering about what comes next.
I like Max except for his maturity level. It's a stretch for me to believe. A quiet, serious child is believable, but Max goes beyond that to years beyond seven.

A sharp pain in his side woke him. The weirdness was gone. He exhaled happily and searched for the source of the ache. A person.

What's the guy doing to cause the pain?

“Get up, kid,” the person muttered. “Shouldn’t you be at home?”
“My name’s Max. And yeah, I should. And I would be too, but I don’t remember where that is.”
The person, an older man, sneered at Max as he passed, thinking Max was trying to fool him. Max pouted but toddled after the man, his legs still weak. “Do you know where my house is?”

This is all very strange. Why does the guy wake Max up, ask him about home and attempt to walk away?

He peered at the young boy urgently.

He just told Max to go away. Why does he seem to care? If he actually cared, wouldn't he be trying to protect Max?

It was the first time Max got a good luck at his face

Look

Max's eyes widened as he looked up innocently at the woman. “Miss lady, I’m really, really hungry. And I can’t find my mommy and daddy. I don’t have any money...so I should probably go. I’m sorry to bother you, miss lady.”

I like how Max seems smarter than the average seven year old. Which seems to be contradicting what I said at the beginning, but intelligence doesn't create maturity.

“Here, let’s not tell my husband about this, okay?” She smiled. “You poor thing.” She doddered over to a smaller cabinet, away from the general goods, and began pulling items out: breads, pastries, a tiny chocolate cake. She placed them in a basket and brought it over to Max.

I'm thinking a responsible adult would be calling the police, unless this isn't the time period I think it's in then... they would be doing something to try to find his parents.

“No, it was just…raining.”

See, here Max is seven-year-old-ish, so not only is he too mature, but you flip back and forth.

“Yeah. I have a terrible sense of direction. So I’ve spent the last month wandering around, trying to find my house. Except, I don’t remember what it looks like, either.”

Get rid of the terrible sense of direction. It's really bothering me, and a seven year old isn't expected to know where his house is if he's in a foriegn area.

“Uh. Sure. Let’s go,” Max said, jogging to meet up with his new friend.

Uh and sure doesn't bring a picture of a child in intense thought to mind. I would change as well.

So, this is a good beginning. It makes me think about what's happening next, which is always a good thing, to keep your readers engaged.
I hope my review helped and I didn't repeat anything the other reviewers had said. I just skimmed over the other reviews. Anyway, if you need reviews for the next chapter, I would be glad to read it.
Megsug