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Wed Feb 16, 2011 1:25 pm
AmandaC says...



Prologue

In the year 2095, scientists made a huge leap in genetic science. They figured out how to successfully cross animal DNA with human DNA. Only a few select scientists were trusted with the information about the new breakthrough. Those who held this knowledge feared that if this information were to get into the hands of an enemy, it could be used as a weapon.
After many failed attempts, the scientists figured out what types of animal DNA were completely compatible with human DNA. The products of these repeated attempts were the first Avian and Feline humans.

One of the scientists, betraying the others, took this information and shared it with the world. People everywhere were outraged. Many claimed that it was the Devil's work to do such things to humans.

Meanwhile, NASA had just come back from a mission to a new planet, called Naruska. It was a very small planet, about the size of earth's moon. It was just like Earth in many ways, but unlike Earth, most of the planet was covered in vast expanses of rain forest.

For a while, the scientists were kept in a prison; no one knew what to do with them. They were released in 2096 and sent in front of judges from across the world. They were given two choices: Either give up their genetic experiments, or go to Naruska where they could continue with their experiments unhindered. The scientists, unable to simply give up their research, obviously chose to go to Naruska.

By 2097, the scientists were settled on Naruska. The scientists, now free from the negative feelings people had towards their research, began to increase the number of the half-breeds. The two different breeds were sentient and intelligent, just like the scientists, so the breeds' creators passed on the complex process of how to create the half-breeds. The half-breeds resembled the humans that they were created from, but they also looked similar to the animal that they received half of their DNA from. The Felahumans, created from the crossing of human and feline DNA, were about 5'5, with different colored pelts like a cat. These Felahumans walked on two legs, but when they wanted to run at high speeds, they would run on all fours. They had human hands that had retractable claws. Their pelts grew longer where any normal human's hair might grow, and they also had ears like a cat. Their faces were shaped like a human's. They could do anything a normal human could and more. On the other side were the Avanhumans, created by crossing ideal bird DNA with human DNA. They were the same size as the Felahumans, but the similarities stopped there. The Avanhumans looked much more human than the Felahumans. Almost everything about them was human-like. They had the eyes of an owl, and they had incredible wings. They had a wing span of almost 25 feet, and in a range of colors from bright white to deep black, every pair of wings was unique in different ways.

Unfortunately for the scientists, they could have never foreseen the problems that would befall the two species.
  





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Wed Feb 16, 2011 9:04 pm
Baywolf says...



Hello Amanda!

Welcome to YWS! This is very interesting. I love, love, love science fiction and the concept of DNA recombinants. This story kind of reminds me of Maximum Ride due to the winged human creatures, but the resemblance stops there. I can see you're going for a more Alien/War of the Species type vibe here, and I like it.

My only issue with the prologue was the overall tone you used when writing. To me, this sounds more like a first draft or a history book, and quite frankly, it doesn't have the WOW factor. I want to be wowed and I know your readers want to be wowed, so let's see how we can fix this. I think that perhaps the problem is partially caused by the massive amount of info you dump on us. I understand that you want to create this new world where the scientists create their own Jurassic Park of cat and bird people, but I think you can really cut down a lot of the technical stuff like the scientists being sent before judges, sent to the planet, creating the Felahumans and Avanhumans, etc. I think you can simplify those things into just one or two sentences, while making it have more of an impact.

For example:
In the year 2095, scientists made a huge leap in genetic science. They figured out how to successfully cross animal DNA with human DNA. Only a few select scientists were trusted with the information about the new breakthrough. Those who held this knowledge feared that if this information were to get into the hands of an enemy, it could be used as a weapon.

This is your original introductory paragraph. It was well-written, grammatically correct, but it didn't say "Read more!"
Here's what I would have done (and you don't necessarily have to do what I did. I just wanted to give you the general idea of what I meant by simplification.)
"Year 2095: A time of great scientific advancement. Genetics has traveled beyond stem cell research, and the first animal-human DNA combinations were being gawked at and hidden from the public eye for fear of misuse."
See what I mean? (It's okay, you can laugh. I've never been good at taking someone else's work and boiling it down to the bare facts.) It's much easier to read and more to the point.

For the most part, I didn't find anything wrong with your prologue. Other than the obvious "history book" sound of the work, I thought it was very well organized and written. I'd definitely be interested in reading anything else that you write on the subject. I think the actual chapters will have a lot more action and up close experience with the DNA recombinants.

If you have any questions about my review, please feel free to PM me or leave a message on my wall. You have a great story idea here! Don't let it slip away! :D

Happy Writing!
Bailey
After all, it is the pen that gives power to the mythical sword.

"For an Assistant Pig-Keeper, I think you're quite remarkable." Eilonwy

"You also shall be Psyche."

"My only regret
all the Butterflies
that I have killed with my car" Martin Lanaux
  





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Mon Feb 28, 2011 11:15 pm
Cyb3rBlade says...



Cool. I had a little dificulty visualizing a human with a 25-foot wingspan. The concept sounds epic.
I think a title somewhere along the lines of "Planet of the Half-Men/Beast-Men" would fit the story pretty well. I'm curious about the culture and personality the cross-breeds might have. I think the writing style fits the prolougue pretty well, since its just to set the stage. I'd like to read more.
I write for my King.

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