z

Young Writers Society


CUBE: Inside the Tesseract, Chapter One



User avatar
504 Reviews

Supporter


Gender: Male
Points: 21355
Reviews: 504
Wed Jan 19, 2011 10:26 pm
Kafkaescence says...



This is chapter one of the first installment, "Inside the Tesseract," in a trilogy of short novels I plan write called "CUBE." They were inspired by the book "The Grand Design" by Stephen Hawking, if you've ever read it. Pretty abstract stuff. Anyway, enjoy.

Chapter One

The last and first I saw of her was the long golden hair passing through the barrier. It was invisible, but I knew it was there, for Emily’s form shimmered into the vacuum behind her as she crossed.

That is what I remember of the world outside the tesseract. Nothing more.

It is difficult to maintain consciousness here. Or now. Or then. I am not quite sure anymore.

Memories flicker in and out of my mind like the dim neon polychromasia above me. But only one I know is genuine. Perhaps because I cannot distinguish the memories from the prophecies. Perhaps because there never really was a difference.

The sound of my empty breathing is the only note that reaches my ears. No, it is not a sound - more like a nebulous obscurity in my vision. Something that is not really there, but pretends to be, tries to be.

As I attempt to find the present in the plague of illusions before me, I venture to open my eyes. Nothing clarifies, at least in my perception, and the nausea continues to clutch me, for above me (or below me; or is that the future that I am seeing?), the faded neon hues persist in their barrage. Yet my mind leaps to a sudden alertness, because it recognizes the frame of time within itself that matches that which I am seeing. Or perhaps it recognizes multiple. I cling to one, simply because I want desperately to maintain the vigilance I am experiencing, and not to regress back to the dim fuzziness of that which I think I just left behind. I shift my head so that I am facing the shimmering air beside me, expecting to see the dying girl, but I find that my neck refuses to revolve. I writhe amidst the phantasmagoric clouds, grasping it, screaming at its arrogant rigidity. But it is moving. It is the continuum around it that does not change scenery: this remains wholly the same as it was before. Before the future. Is that what the past is? The underrated period that is ceaselessly undermined by hopes of the successive? Where does that leave the present? Then I am somewhere else; below where I am now, I think, and in the future. I have found it, what I was searching for, and I pound against it, the screams blinding me. And then something else stands out to me: a distant memory, a prognosis; what is the difference? But I am surrounded by tenebrosity, and a great joy has overcome me...but what? What is this joy? And what is this slender carcass? I thrust myself back into the present.

A name. Emily. Both past and future struggle to claim it in my conflicted mind, but for now I categorize her as past. It is simpler that way. I push away the interference patterns that form as images of her both dead and alive collide before me.

I had never made a move so drastic before as opening my eyes. I must have been in here forever - no, for again I am with Emily in the darkness. The image fades as my body teleports between the present and the future - no, past; it must be past - between the blackness and the strange light all around me. It is disconcerting, this transition, but it brings forth a comforting emotion as well: nostalgia, I believe.

I see myself getting up. Feel myself. But I am not ready yet. I allow myself to drift amidst the omnibus of time frames, the unorganized stack before me. When I feel I am rejuvenated enough, I will myself upward, but strangely, there is a miscalculation: I am not yet to the instant where I am supposed to stand. At least, I do not think I am. But I must have been, for I right myself without resistance. But I was standing before, I think, not laying down, because this position does not feel right. I drift into my supposed lying angle, only to find that it could just as well be considered a standing one. Lo, it seems all directions are the correct one.

What is this whiteness? As I take a step forward, I notice a soft, shimmering gas emanating from the past whereabouts of my leg. It drifts through the air, then suddenly evaporates. No, evaporating is not the right word; it simply is existent one moment, and nonexistent the next. I attempt to look back on it by taking a backward step through time, but strangely enough, I cannot see it after it has already passed. No, this precedent category of chronology offers nothing of this mysterious substance, yet when I sprint instead into the future, I can see much of it. It seems I will be moving soon.

And so I waste no time, though time is like the mist that is physically behind me, for it is abundant and reachable with only the fluctuation of my mind, in setting out. What am I searching for? I do not know, exactly. I see many things ahead, but they are amalgamated and disorienting. I find one, cradle it. Then I look at it. Again, that name, that face. Emily. I store that crystal ball in a reserved space of my brain before I continue.

As I look around, I notice that it is not homogeneity that meets my eyes. Not only the labyrinth of colors I attributed to this place upon my birth - no, arrival. I begin to see shapes as well. One, in particular.

A square.

Or perhaps it is cube? It seems to resemble something of this nature. As I peer into the flashing sirens of light that form the shape, I see something else, something I cannot describe. But it looks familiar, and suddenly I realize that it is the future I am gazing into.

I see blood. I see the translucent mist. And then I have seen enough.

As I stride forward - or float, yet it seems that it is simply the power of mind that drives me onward - I begin to fear this cage I am in. The blood I saw continues to float before my eyes, taking the shape of traps, of monsters. Is it my own? Is it - I struggle to recall - is it Emily’s? And what as far as murder does this ubiquitous lambency have to offer? I feel myself sliding into my own future, where I see an old man...a knife...and the same dark blood....

I am running now, or at least am going faster than before, and simultaneously attempting to launch myself farther into the future. But only a few elongated minutes pass before I am weary. Time must remain unaltered as this pale fog flows out of me.

So I rest, trying to avoid the cubes that vex both eye and mind. I doubt that they replay the same scene over and over, but I cannot risk journeying back into their depths.

A sound pulses against my vision. I cannot recognize it, but it seems to be emanating from below, so that is where I head. But I am cautious. This ocean holds great peril. I have yet to discover what, in truth, it is.

My forehead hits a solid surface, and I am flung back. This time it is my own yell that disturbs the air. It throbs, and I feel my hand reaching upward to soothe the pain. Now I drift, shifting in and out of consciousness. I dream of a wall of squares.

XXXXXXXXXX

When I wake, or at least enter a steady state of awareness, my forehead still aches, but less so. I bring my eyes to look inward, and grab at a foretelling that seems near, one that is devoid of injuries. My forehead ceases to ache, but though I know it was sudden, it seems so natural, so instantly gradual. At this hour, things are calm. No sound distorts the hues.

I slide forward through spacetime, though slowly, not wanting to relive the discomfort of the impact once more. I hold my hand outward as I move, and eventually I again feel the surface. It is smooth. As my hand strokes the invisible barrier, it seems the cubes in the distance move in accordance, as if I were touching them. As I gaze at them, experimentally utilizing my apparent telekinesis, it strikes me that they could, in fact, not occupy the distance at all; they could be right here, disguising themselves with the illusion of remoteness. As the thought plants itself in my mind, the cubes seem to suddenly warp, to lengthen, to shrink, to envelope me, and then they are right here, right in front of me. They exhibit another animated frame of time, all the same one, the shapes outlined by the fusion of blinking colors; this time, I realize, it is the past, and though it is not me I am seeing, I know that it is mine. It shows what I must do to pass.

As I begin the task, a faint cloud appears. Another sound. It spells out a word.

Help.

There is a human inside here. I am not alone.
#TNT

WRFF
  





User avatar
72 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 1931
Reviews: 72
Sat Jan 22, 2011 7:15 am
ShadowKnight155 says...



Do you know what sickens me? People who give up on reading great things like this, just because it is hard to understand or has big words. This was amazing, are you really thirteen? You make me feel stupid, and everybody says I'm smart. I'll need a dictionary(seriously, so my review may be terrible, but it's late and I want you to have a review, I will edit in the morning if need be :) )...

Great, amazing. It seems you are representing time, each face of the Tesseract? Each an alternate demention(can't spell this word ever)?

Only three things:

I see myself getting up. Feel myself. But I am not ready yet. I allow myself to drift amidst the omnibus of time frames, the unorganized stack before me. When I feel I am rejuvenated enough, I will myself upward, but strangely, there is a miscalculation: I am not yet to the instant where I am supposed to stand. At least, I do not think I am. But I must have been, for I right myself without resistance. But I was standing before, I think, notLying laying down, because this position does not feel right. I drift into my supposed lying angle, only to find that it could just as well be considered a standing one. Lo?, it seems all directions are the correct one.


When you do the X's, just skip lines or use asterisks, I think it looks better! Or a ~.

Great story, I will edit this in the morning when I can really think, but in case I forget, heres a basic review!
By nature, all language is flawed.

"Peace cannot be kept by force, it can only be achieved by understanding," - Albert Einstein
  





User avatar
36 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1664
Reviews: 36
Mon Jan 24, 2011 1:18 am
AllyGrLxOX says...



Hey there, it's AllyGrLxOx here to review as requested!
I don't have alot of nitpicks! Only a few that I think could use some editing! xD

This whole piece was very intriguing, I like the idea that you've got going on! However I also was slightly confused at times.
For example before the "XXXXXXXX" I thought that your MC couldn't remember anything, however once I went on and read more it became unclear to me whether or not your MC knew who he/she was.

I also would like to point out that you have a very complex vocabulary which is great! However think about the audience you're aiming for and make sure you're using words suited for that selection of readers.

There were times when having one complex word after another became sort of irritating to me, however that is just a personal opinion. Therefore keep the complexity if you'd like! :D

I would also like to draw attention to your character development, I don't think you had enough at all by any means. I know that it's just the first chapter and that might be why. Just be sure to tell the readers more about your MC, I won't bother to supply you with a list of questions that you need to answer about your MC, I'm sure you have it planned out.

As I attempt to find the present in the plague of illusions before me, I venture to open my eyes. Nothing clarifies, at least in my perception, and the nausea continues to clutch me, for above me (or below me; or is that the future that I am seeing?), the faded neon hues persist in their barrage. Yet my mind leaps to a sudden alertness, because it recognizes the frame of time within itself that matches that which I am seeing. Or perhaps it recognizes multiple. I cling to one, simply because I want desperately to maintain the vigilance I am experiencing, and not to regress back to the dim fuzziness of that which I think I just left behind. I shift my head so that I am facing the shimmering air beside me, expecting to see the dying girl, but I find that my neck refuses to revolve. I writhe amidst the phantasmagoric clouds, grasping it, screaming at its arrogant rigidity. But it is moving. It is the continuum around it that does not change scenery: this remains wholly the same as it was before. Before the future. Is that what the past is? The underrated period that is ceaselessly undermined by hopes of the successive? Where does that leave the present? Then I am somewhere else; below where I am now, I think, and in the future. I have found it, what I was searching for, and I pound against it, the screams blinding me. And then something else stands out to me: a distant memory, a prognosis; what is the difference? But I am surrounded by tenebrosity, and a great joy has overcome me...but what? What is this joy? And what is this slender carcass? I thrust myself back into the present.

I would suggest breaking up this paragraph, it's awfully long.

(or below me; or is that the future that I am seeing?), the faded neon hues persist in their barrage.

I don't think your usage of the parentheses is appropriate, I'd just stick with commas!

Well sorry if this review is a tad short! :P
Your novels on a marvelous path that I'm sure it'll keep progressing on!

Any questions?
Feel free to PM me(:
HEY YOU!
Yeah you! :D

You should check out my latest novel "Part of the Night!"
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/novel.php?id=877
^Click,Click,Click,Click,Click,Click,Click,Click,Click,Click,Click,


Why haven't you clicked on the link yet!
  





User avatar
541 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 370
Reviews: 541
Sun Jan 30, 2011 6:15 pm
Lauren2010 says...



Hey there Kafka!

This was seriously awesome, in a mind boggling sort of way. The tone fit perfectly, and the use of complex vocab was impressive (are you really thirteen? You have a better vocabulary than I did at that age for sure!). Well, let's get on with the review then, shall we?

The last and first I saw of her was the long golden hair passing through the barrier. It was invisible, but I knew it was there, for Emily’s form shimmered into the vacuum behind her as she crossed.

First, I really like the beginning of this. Beginnings are so hard to write, and even harder to write so well. It really drew me in, just as it should.
Second, this is really a personal preference thing that I just wanted to point out. I think that this first sentence would flow a little better with some wording chances. Like so:
The last and first I saw of Emily was her long golden hair passing through the barrier. It was invisible, but I knew it was there, for Emily's form shimmered into the vacuum behind her as she crossed.

No major changes, but to me it sounds a tad better. Take it or leave it ;)

The only other thing I want to mention is description. Specifically description of setting. This chapter was fantastic, and so interesting, but I found myself getting lost and having to go back and read things over. I still don't have the greatest sense of what exactly where your MC is looks like. I got the sense like it was maybe some sort of infinite blank space, but then he was running and he hit something hard and there were the cubes and it just all got so confusing.

It would be great if you better described what the place looks like from the beginning, and then take some time to clearly describe the changes in scene as the cubes show up and these weird fortelling crystal ball things (if I even picked that up right) come around. It can be easily done without losing the essence of the story as it is, and would be infinitely helpful to the reader to being able to see what everything is like.

Anyways, I really enjoyed this! And great cliff hanger at the end! I can't wait to read more!

Good luck and keep writing!

-Lauren-
Got YWS?
  





User avatar
56 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 1413
Reviews: 56
Sun Jan 30, 2011 8:59 pm
PaulClover says...



It's really refreshing to read something so experimental; then again, most of your work is more than a little outside the box, so I guess I should expect it at this point :)

This is probably one of the most strange and - dare I say it - metaphysically interesting stories I've ever read, period. The idea of a girl being the Protagonist's sole link to, well, anything physically certifiable, is a very provocative notion. I'm really looking forward to finding out who/what she is.

The only complaint I have (and keep in mind that I'm not exactly the Grammar Police, so don't really expect any fuss from me on that) is that the story is a tad TOO vague. The concept is more than original and spacey enough to keep the reader interested, but some people might get confused and abandon the story if it doesn't start making sense somewhere around chapter two or possibly even the end of chapter one. But then again, I don't think this particular piece was meant to be very mainstream, so most people who read it will probably stick with it if only for the neat idea and solid execution.

Keep it up :) I'm off to Ch. 2!
Remember your name. Do not lose hope — what you seek will be found. Trust ghosts. Trust those that you have helped to help you in their turn. Trust dreams. Trust your heart, and trust your story. - Neil Gaiman
  





User avatar
131 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 3181
Reviews: 131
Fri Feb 25, 2011 2:08 pm
322sivart says...



Hey Kafka,
Here I am, as requested!
I, too, needed a dictionary next to me to read this. Your writing style overall is absolutely incredible.
I still had many questions when I finished reading this, such as: Is the narrator in the first part of the chapter a time traveller, or is he doing this because of other circumstances? Is the second narrator not human? And, are the cubes they are inside states of mind, or actually cubes? However, I'm sure all of my questions will be answered as I read on.

A name. Emily. Both past and future struggle to claim it in my conflicted mind, but for now I categorize her as past. It is simpler that way.


The image fades as my body teleports between the present and the future - no, past; it must be past - between the blackness and the strange light all around me. It is disconcerting, this transition, but it brings forth a comforting emotion as well: nostalgia, I believe.


Two great lines here. I tell you, you have a writing career ahead of you.
I couldn't find anything to criticize in this chapter, aside from the fact that your language combined with what you are actually trying to say might be too complicated and vague (for now, at least). I had to read parts of this several times, and some of your readers might not be as patient as I am.
Keep up the great work!
-Alex
Need reviews?
I'd be happy to give them.
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic76104.html
  








If you're paranoid that you're making your novel worse with each passing decision clap your hands
— Panikos