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The Lavender Project: Chapter I



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Sun Jan 09, 2011 7:26 pm
Kiki says...



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The Fortune Teller

She stared off into space, thinking of old memories; some painful, some not. Running her fingers through her reddish brown hair, she let out a long sigh. ‘How did I end up here?’ The girl thought. ‘I’m living in a tent, on the street making a living fortune telling…I should be back up into the stars…’

Her tent was rather small, just enough room to sit about two adults and maybe one child. The doorway was covered with colourful glass beads which made a certain jingling sound whenever someone walked through. The floor was covered with pillows of all sizes, shapes and colours. She sat upon one big one, there was another big one across her and in between was a smaller one that had a medium sized quartz crystal ball sitting upon it. Others were sprawled everywhere. It sat in the middle of the slums of Meifeng, the most expensive place to live in the system. It had very nice rich places to live a long distance from the slums; it could be seen over the horizon as if taunting the unfortunate people.
Running a finger around her crystal ball, she smiled seeing her own reflection; staring back at her bright blue eyes.

“Miss Kiki? A-are you busy with someone?” A voice outside her tent broke her concentration.

“No, you can come in.” Kiki gave the door a warm smile, keeping it on her perfect oval face for her client whenever they walked in.

A girl about seventeen years of age walked in, the glass beads jingling. Her shoulder-length blond curls rounded her face almost perfectly and her bright green eyes sparkled at the site of Kiki’s smile.

“Claire, it’s nice to see you again.” Kiki stated softly. “What can I do for you?”

Claire slipped her shoes off and set them next to Kiki’s black flats that were decorated with iridescent sequins. Claire’s shoes however were not so elegant; they were ragged old sandals that served their purpose in protecting Claire’s feet.

“Well, my brother and I decided that we wanted to share our dinner with you.”

Kiki gave a look of surprise as Claire walked over with a basket filled with bread, cheese and some lunch meat. Sitting down on the pillow across from Kiki, she smiled.

“We saved up for a month for this.” Claire turned her head towards the beaded entrance, “Danny, c’mon get in here!” Turning her attention back to Kiki, she smiled innocently. “Forgive him, he’s kinda shy.”

A young boy of seven years walked into the tent shyly. He kept his head down as he twirled his thumbs. He had the same blond curl mess upon his head and when he looked up; Kiki realized that he had a pair of gray eyes instead of Claire’s green. Someone in their family must have had them.

Patting the pillow next to hers, Kiki gave Danny a warm smile hoping to evoke some trust. He slowly came over and sat down. Claire began to make some sandwiches as Danny started to get closer to Kiki’s crystal ball.

“It’s pretty, isn’t it?” Kiki stated gently.

Danny nodded, not saying a word.

“Danny, here eat.” Claire nudged him with her elbow and handed him a made sandwich. Danny took it happily and started to nibble on it. Claire handed the next one to Kiki.

“Thank you so much. You two didn’t have to do this.” Kiki gave a solemn smile.
“‘Course we did.” Claire stated. “You’ve helped us enough; it’s our turn to repay the favour.”
Kiki laughed, “Thank you.”

They ate their dinner in peace until a box truck came speeding around the corner with its wheels and brakes screeching on the road. The crowds screamed and scattered as the truck tipped and rolled onto its side busting with crates and boxes. A group of raiders wearing some gang colours jumped out of the truck and started to grab their loot, one however grabbed the nearest civilian; which was unfortunately a little girl. She hugged her stuffed bunny as she wiggled and protested.

“Try anything, the girl gets it!” He yelled, pressing a knife against her neck.

Kiki sighed and stood from her seated position. “You two stay here no matter what happens, got it?”
Claire and Danny nodded and huddled close together as Kiki calmly left her tent, the beads jingling. She took a good look around at the scene. Reaching back into her tent she mentioned for Claire to hand her an emerald shawl she had. With shaking hands, Claire handed it to Kiki and she wrapped it around herself showing off her shoulders.

‘There isn’t much else to do but use a little magic.’ Kiki thought. She noticed another man about in his thirties off to her left. A cigarette hung from his mouth; his hair and eyes were a dark brown. He wore a worn out brown trench coat.

Turning her attention back to the thief with the little girl, she gave him a flirty smile walking towards him.
“Hey there sexy,” Kiki winked at him and with a sway of her hips, her dress and her shawl swayed with the wind. Moving her hand in a graceful movement, an emerald glow surrounded Kiki and with another sway of her hips, she casted her magic upon the man. She kept her smile, although it wasn’t in the flirty stage; it had an evil aura around it.

The man fell to his knees with an incredible happy smile on his face, his whole body going limp as he slumped and released his hostage. “What the fu—Hnnn~”
Before Kiki got to do anything else, the other man she noticed from before spit his cigarette out as he grabbed his signature handguns from beneath his coat. He flipped both handguns in his hands before firing at one of the men with trained precision. The raider next to the one who let go of his hostage flew off his feet. He was no match for the explosive round bolting into his chest.

Kiki took this as an opportunity to bolt towards the little girl. She jumped over a crate in her way and grabbed her.

“Come with me, sweetheart; Kiki’s gonna protect you okay?” She picked the girl up and ran back to her tent, only a few feet away. Setting the girl down, Kiki smiled warmly. “Do me a favour and stay in here okay? Claire and Danny will keep you safe.” Making sure the girl went inside the tent to hide, Kiki turned around. She lifted her skirt, showing off a good amount of her leg and drew her Vindicta pistol. Looking like an all black Mauser pistol, The Vindicta was a high power energy weapon. With its golden accents, Kiki’s pistol made a flashy show whenever she drew it. Taking aim at the closest guy (which was, unfortunately for him, was the one who had the girl hostage.), the sides busted open and began to glow a bright sky blue. Kiki pulled the trigger without a second thought. The Vindicta shot out a sky blue energy ball surrounding a single bullet.

“At least you’ll go out happy you bastard!”

Before Kiki could blink, another two of the raiders fell to the ground, their blood pooling around them. The other man had taken them down with two more shots of his heavy handguns. The last raider stared and dropped his box. He took off running, leaving the bloodbath behind him.

The little girl they saved poked her head through the beads of Kiki’s tent to see if it was safe. “Are they all gone now?” She asked, stepping out from hiding, holding her stuffed bunny closer.
Kiki holstered her pistol and walked over to the girl, kneeling down to her height. Giving her a sweet smile, Kiki patted her head. “Yes it’s safe.”

“My name’s Elly!” The girl exclaimed happily.
Laughing, Kiki stood up straight and winked at Elly. “I’m Kiki Starwind, don’t you forget it!”

The man who had helped Kiki save Elly approached the two, putting away his handguns and lighting himself another cigarette. “The kid okay?” He asked rather bluntly.
“I’m fine, and I’m not a kid! I’m like…seven.”
“Let’s get you home.” Kiki stated before poking her head into her tent once more. “Claire, I’m terribly sorry about this. You and Danny stay safe.”
“You too, Miss Kiki.” Claire smiled.
“I’ll join you; might as well see this through to the end. Young ladies shouldn’t be wandering around alone.” Taking a puff of his cigarette and letting the smoke out of his mouth, he smiled slightly. “The name’s Clyde.”

Elly smiled happily led the way quite a distance to a fenced in parking lot with a hotel behind it. Putting in a password on the touch-pad the gate opened up for them and closed right after they went in. The place was a bit run-downed without having any sort of customers or business running it. Elly lead them to a small garage beside the main building. Letting herself in through the side door, Elly called out to her only relative.

“Grandpa, I’m home! Sorry I’m late but I got into a little trouble and these people helped me.” She stated as an old man came out from the little kitchenette. With snowy white hair and a clean face, he looked healthy from spending time working and keeping himself busy. His hands were stained black from mechanical work.

“Trouble, what kind of trouble?” He said shortly. “Stay for dinner.” Gramps told the two heroes.
They took him up on his proposal and explained to him what had happened just an hour before. After the meal, Elly took all the dishes as Gramps took out his pipe to tap it on the table.

“So where are you folks staying?”
Kiki took a sip of tea and shrugged, “I live in my tent I use for my Fortune Telling job. I read auras too, but that depends on what the client wants and can pay for.” Despite how much she hated waking up early from the noise, she gave a smile.
“It’s nice helping people feel better about things.”

“I wander.” Clyde stated before taking a long swig from his flask, “so nowhere.”
Kiki stretched a bit and played with her amber ring sitting on her right’s middle finger. “Why do you ask?”

“You can stay here! It’s safe and there are lots of rooms to pick!” Elly said before her Grandfather could continue.
“Only if you pick up after yourselves and give a hand when I need it. Don’t make me regret giving you room and board.” Gramps stated while packing his pipe and lighting it.

Kiki’s face lit up, like a kid in a candy store. “Oh, wow! Really? That’s so great, thank you, thank you!” She stood up and gave Gramps a hug. “I won’t let you down.” She gave him a gracious smile. “Anything else you might need from us?”

Gramps gave a surprised look before laughing and patting Kiki’s back. “No, no. And you’re welcome.”
“Thanks old man that means a lot.” Clyde held out his hand.
“Old man.” Gramps chuckled and shook Clyde’s hand. He stood up and went out to the main doors of the hotel to unlock and let them in.

The massive lobby was covered with chairs and couches and the front desk with a set of stairs at the center leading to the second and third floors. There was a set of heavy oak doors by the front desk but they were locked up.
“Pick any room; I’ll make some keys later.” Gramps stated before heading back outside.

Back at the square, the police have been there for quite some time having tapped off the area where the battle happened. Standing among the bodies were two figures carefully looking about while trying not to step in the blood. One was scantily clad in racing armour most commonly found on combat bikers in gangs of some sort. She still had her helmet on. The other was a tall man in a black with white pin stripes three piece suit. On his shoulders he wore a white coat with a fancy trim like a cloak and sunglasses covered his eyes. He had short blue-grey hair and an unnerving smile.

“What do you think happened?” The woman asked.
The man took in a deep breath and bared his jagged, triangular teeth with a maniacal grin before getting his composure, tilting his glasses.
“All the perpetrators are dead…we’re looking for the good samaritans.” There were no normal eyes behind the glasses, just glossy black spheres.

Taking Elly's grandpa seriously, Kiki ran up the stairs to pick one of the best suites in the hotel. The bedroom was huge with a king-sized canopy bed, a balcony giving her a perfect view of the ocean, her own master bath, walk in closet and vanity table and dresser set. The windows were covered by dirty ivory drapes.

On the ceiling was a huge gorgeous crystal chandelier; Kiki was in awe. The living room was equipped with furniture, lighting and the works. Off to the left was her very own kitchen with the sink the same cast iron as the bathtub. The cabinetry the same cherry wood as the bed frame and vanity/dresser set; including the doors to the bedroom and bath.

It needed to be dusted and cleaned big time, but other than that, it was perfect to hold her Future Telling job at. With a few days to clean up and set up her belongings, Kiki would be just fine.

Sighing, she gave the room a sincere look. "I guess you and I are gonna be spending a lot of time together, then...then you'll be gorgeous!"
Singing to her music that was playing, Kiki’s cleaning spree took the rest of the night. Finishing her living room last, she sighed in relief and got ready for bed.

The next morning, Kiki woke up realizing that she forgot her tent back down the street. Cursing almost every curse word in the book, she huffed out of bed and took a quick shower. Getting dressed in a green tank top and black drape vest, Kiki slipped on a pair of jeans and her flats. Sighing heavily, she quickly headed out to gather her belongings.
Running up, Kiki noticed the area was clear of the bodies but the blood from the battle was still around and everyone resumed their normal routines. Fortunately for her, no one thought to take her personal possessions so they were still sitting there untouched. Standing at the front of her tent was a tall man in a white three piece suit. The shirt was red but the tie was white as well to make a nice combination. He wore an unpleasant smile as a predatory animal would wear with the teeth to match.

Kiki ran up to her tent, bracelets jingling, earrings and bosom bouncing, she stopped abruptly at the entrance, almost about to keel over.

"I-I'm so sorry, sir!" She stated, out of breath. "I didn't mean to keep you waiting! I can give you a quick reading before I pack up if you like?" Kiki forced herself to stand up straight, clinching her side. "Damn, I'm outta shape." She laughed as the man gave her an unnerving smile.

Actually taking a good look at the man, Kiki saw colours burst from his aura. Pink, orange and a muddied red bombarded her bright blue eyes. From her training she could tell the man was in love, was very passionate and he was angry about something.

‘Maybe something from his past?’ Kiki thought to herself. She gave him a gracious white smile, trying not to let his unfriendly grin and predatory teeth intimidate her.

“Did you want a love reading?” Her blue eyes sparkled.
“That’s sweet of you, but I’m here on business.” Reaching into an inside pocket, he pulled out a badge. “Detective Elio Brice at your service; you are Miss Kiki Starwind? I want to have a word with you about yesterday’s altercation between you and another individual against a gang in this very square.”
Elio put his badge away slipping both hands in his pockets, his smile actually softened a bit. “Don’t you mind one bit, this is actually a good visit from your friendly local law enforcement.” His eyes appeared to be black spheres behind his dark glasses, although Kiki had a hard time making them out.

“Oh? I hope I’m not in trouble, officer.” Kiki teased, giving Elio a flirty smile.

Pushing the beads aside as she entered her tent, Kiki mentioned for Elio to enter with a graceful movement of her hand.
“Please come in and sit. Make yourself at home…or at least try to anyway.” She laughed as Elio entered and sat on one of the bigger pillows. “I’ll be willing to answer any questions that you have so as long as you don’t get huffy with me.”
“Thank you.” Elio stated, looking around. “I simply want to know where you and your other friend are at and who he is exactly. Information is a little scarce and tacking you was very easy since the locals take a shine to you. That and I would like to thank you for teaching those punks a good lesson. If only the general public could stand up for themselves from time to time.” He complained with a shrug.

Kiki’s astral perception was picking up a little more than just his aura now. An actual shape of what was inside him or what he was, something large and aquatic. She sat down on the opposite side of Elio.
“Unfortunately, the only thing I can give you is where he is now. I don’t know much about him.” Kiki gave a sincere smile. “The old hotel down a ways is where we’re staying now. For saving the poor little girl who was taken hostage of those idiots, her grandpa has granted us a place to stay.” Keeping her smile, since his aquatic form made her uncomfortable, Kiki started to pack up her crystal ball. “Do you mind if I ask a question?”

Back at the hotel, Clyde had decided to take a look around since there was no one around. Coming across an old antique door, decorated with engravings of a Victorian style in a deep cherry wood. The door knob was crystal and the key hole looked as though an ancient skeleton key would fit. Seeing as there was no key to be found, Clyde took a look at the handle and lock. Looking into the key hole, Clyde could see a pair of wooden stairs heading down just a bit in a small corridor that only one person at a time could walk down. Standing up, he raised an eyebrow reaching for one of his handguns.

“Here Mister!” Elly’s voice rang out.
Clyde stopped reaching for his gun as Elly trotted over and turned the knob. It opened with a loud creaking noise. Giving Clyde a smile of accomplishment, she giggled.
“Uh, thanks kid.”
“No problem!” Elly chirped happily and skipped away.

Flicking the light switch on the wall, Clyde could now clearly see the cherry oak stair case leading down stairs a bit. The walls on either side of him were made of brick. Heading down the staircase, it only took Clyde all but a minute to figure out he was inside what looked as though a bunker turned into a bar. Equipped with comfy chairs and love seats surrounding a brick fireplace, it could easily fit about thirty people. A nice long bar counter stretched across the back wall with dusty shelves still stocked with booze of all sorts. Clear on the far end of the staircase was a small stage to hold a small band. Tables and chairs spread across the floor in front of it.

“I figured the old man would be hiding something a little more dark and creepy down here.” He stated setting a cigarette in his mouth and lighting it. “Then again, I wonder if he even knows that this place is down here.” He continued to no one in particular.

Hopping behind the bar, Clyde searched the shelves grabbing some whiskey and cleaning himself a shot glass before pouring him some.

With the help of Elio, Kiki was able to pack up her tent rather quickly and head back to the hotel. Smiling, Kiki looked up at Elio.
“I thank you very much for your help.”
“No problem. I might also have some nice jobs for you and your friend.” Elio gave one of his unnerving predator smiles. “It pays well.”
“I might be interested.” Kiki snickered.
“Starwind…why does that sound so familiar?”
“Believe me, it doesn’t.”

Coming up on the hotel, Kiki secretly punched in the pass code to open the front gate. Leading the Detective inside and to the front door, she opened it up to allow him entrance. Walking into the grand lobby, Elio took a look around. Kiki sat her bag down next to the open door to the bar.

“Hm? I never noticed this door before…” Kiki peeked around the corner, looking at the stairs. “I wonder where it goes?”
“It’s a bar, you should come down here. I’ll make ya a drink!” Clyde shouted.
“Detective Brice, Clyde is downstairs.” Kiki smiled. “He’ll make us a drink.” She started down the stairs.

Taking the last step down onto the nice wooden floor, Kiki smiled as she realized how clean the place was. Walking over to Clyde, she sat up on one of the stools. Elio followed, hands in his pockets.

“Clyde, this is Detective Elio Brice. He’s here to thank us for taking care of those idiots yesterday.”
Nodding a “hello” to the Detective, Clyde raised an eyebrow. “So, can ya believe I found this place? Totally covered in seven different layers of dust; what do ya want to drink?”

“Rum and a coke, thank you.” Elio replied, taking a seat at the bar with a pleased expression.
“Hmm, I think I’m okay right now actually. Thank you.”
“Perfect! Everyone is here and all together. Before we drink and become merry, allow me to officially thank you two for executing the lower denomination and saving my department the time and money.”
Kiki nodded and stretched across the bar, laying her head down.

“Seeing as how you two are quite adept of dispensing a little street justice, perhaps there is something we can all agree on.” Elio continued, taking a little toothpick to chew on idly. “This city needs troubleshooters, both literal and metaphorical. The work is steady and all you have to do is subscribe to our database. It’s sort of a listing for odd jobs and special requests so sometimes deals come and go so feel free to have a look. Maybe I have a few personal requests of my own, especially for a fine lady such as yourself, Miss Kiki~.”

Kiki kind of stared, hoping those jobs didn’t require a sort of dirty mind sense.

“But do not mistake my praise and generosity for a pardon. What you did should have been left to the authorities and if anyone of you break the law and I so much catch your scent…I may not be as forgiving as I am today.” Having taken a somber tone, Elio quickly smiled and waved a dismissive hand. “I have faith that you all won’t take part in any malicious behaviour. Well, maybe you Clyde but hey..!”

“Eh, eh…” Clyde slid Elio’s drink across the bar to him. “Last time I did something like this for you bastards, I ended up in prison. Maybe I’m too much of a fool to say no, or too drunk to give a damn but you won’t take me to prison again! Not without an incident.” He began to light a cigarette.

“Clyde, please,” Kiki grabbed his hand. “Don’t smoke around me, I hate it.”
Clyde stopped and nodded. “Sorry, I didn’t know.”

Finishing his drink, Elio smiled. “I’m the one asking for help. You’re more than welcome to turn down any offer I make.” Getting up, he gave a little wave to them both. “I’ll send work tomorrow on your comms. Sleep well.” And with that the detective bid them goodnight and took his leave.
  





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Gender: None specified
Points: 1093
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Sat Jan 15, 2011 7:08 am
mlkbobe says...



There were a few things I saw that I'd like to show you. I'll put them in green and (parantheses).

Kiki wrote:Image

The Fortune Teller

She stared off into space, thinking of old memories; some painful, some not. Running her fingers through her reddish brown hair, she let out a long sigh. ‘How did I end up here?’ The girl thought. ‘I’m living in a tent, on the street making a living fortune telling…I should be back up into the stars…’

Her tent was rather small, just enough room to sit about two adults and maybe one child. The doorway was covered with colourful glass beads which made a certain jingling sound whenever someone walked through. The floor was covered with pillows of all sizes, shapes and colours. She sat upon one big one, there was another big one across her and in between was a smaller one that had a medium sized quartz crystal ball sitting upon it. Others were sprawled everywhere. It sat in the middle of the slums of Meifeng, the most expensive place to live in the system. It had very nice rich places to live a long distance from the slums; it could be seen over the horizon as if taunting the unfortunate people.
Running a finger around her crystal ball, she smiled seeing her own reflection; staring back at her bright blue eyes.

“Miss Kiki? A-are you busy with someone?” A voice outside her tent broke her concentration.

“No, you can come in.” Kiki gave the door a warm smile, keeping it on her perfect oval face for her client whenever they walked in.

A girl about seventeen years of age walked in, the glass beads jingling. Her shoulder-length blond curls rounded her face almost perfectly and her bright green eyes sparkled at the site of Kiki’s smile.

“Claire, it’s nice to see you again.” Kiki stated softly. “What can I do for you?”

Claire slipped her shoes off and set them next to Kiki’s black flats that were decorated with iridescent sequins. Claire’s shoes however were not so elegant; they were ragged old sandals that served their purpose in protecting Claire’s feet.

“Well, my brother and I decided that we wanted to share our dinner with you.”

Kiki gave a look of surprise as Claire walked over with a basket filled with bread, cheese and some lunch meat. Sitting down on the pillow across from Kiki, she smiled.

“We saved up for a month for this.” Claire turned her head towards the beaded entrance, “Danny, c’mon get in here!” Turning her attention back to Kiki, she smiled innocently. “Forgive him, he’s kinda shy.”

A young boy of seven years walked into the tent shyly. He kept his head down as he twirled his thumbs. He had the same blond curl mess upon his head and when he looked up(,) Kiki realized that he had a pair of gray eyes instead of Claire’s green. Someone in their family must have had them.

Patting the pillow next to hers, Kiki gave Danny a warm smile hoping to evoke some trust. He slowly came over and sat down. Claire began to make some sandwiches as Danny started to get closer to Kiki’s crystal ball.

“It’s pretty, isn’t it?” Kiki stated gently.

Danny nodded, not saying a word.

“Danny, here eat.” Claire nudged him with her elbow and handed him a made sandwich. Danny took it happily and started to nibble on it. Claire handed the next one to Kiki.

“Thank you so much. You two didn’t have to do this.” Kiki gave a solemn smile.
“‘Course we did.” Claire stated. “You’ve helped us enough; it’s our turn to repay the favour.”
Kiki laughed, “Thank you.”

They ate their dinner in peace until a box truck came speeding around the corner with its wheels and brakes screeching on the road. The crowds screamed and scattered as the truck tipped and rolled onto its side busting with crates and boxes. A group of raiders wearing some gang colours jumped out of the truck and started to grab their loot(.) (O)ne however grabbed the nearest civilian(,) which was unfortunately a little girl. She hugged her stuffed bunny as she wiggled and protested.

“Try anything, the girl gets it!” He yelled, pressing a knife against her neck.

Kiki sighed and stood from her seated position. “You two stay here no matter what happens, got it?”
Claire and Danny nodded and huddled close together as Kiki calmly left her tent, the beads jingling. She took a good look around at the scene. Reaching back into her tent she mentioned (motioned) for Claire to hand her an emerald shawl she had. With shaking hands, Claire handed it to Kiki and she wrapped it around herself showing off her shoulders.

‘There isn’t much else to do but use a little magic.’ Kiki thought. She noticed another man about in his thirties off to her left. A cigarette hung from his mouth; his hair and eyes were a dark brown. He wore a worn out brown trench coat.

Turning her attention back to the thief with the little girl, she gave him a flirty smile(,) walking towards him.
“Hey there sexy,” Kiki winked at him and with a sway of her hips, her dress and her shawl swayed with the wind. Moving her hand in a graceful movement, an emerald glow surrounded Kiki and with another sway of her hips, she casted (cast) her magic upon the man. She kept her smile, although it wasn’t in the flirty stage; it had an evil aura around it.

The man fell to his knees with an incredible (incredibly) happy smile on his face, his whole body going limp as he slumped and released his hostage. “What the fu—Hnnn~”
Before Kiki got to do anything else, the other man she noticed from before (man in the trench coat) spit his cigarette out as he grabbed his signature handguns from beneath his coat. He flipped both handguns in his hands before firing at one of the men with trained precision. The raider next to the one who let go of his hostage flew off his feet. (This sentence doesn't seem necessary to me.) He was no match for the explosive round bolting into his chest.

Kiki took this as an opportunity to bolt towards the little girl. She jumped over a crate in her way and grabbed her.

“Come with me, sweetheart; Kiki’s gonna protect you okay?” She picked the girl up and ran back to her tent, only a few feet away. Setting the girl down, Kiki smiled warmly. “Do me a favour and stay in here okay? Claire and Danny will keep you safe.” Making sure the girl went inside the tent to hide, Kiki turned around. She lifted her skirt, showing off a good amount of her leg and drew her Vindicta pistol. Looking like an all black Mauser pistol, The Vindicta was a high power energy weapon. With its golden accents, Kiki’s pistol made a flashy show whenever she drew it. Taking aim at the closest guy (which was, unfortunately for him, was the one who had (taken)the girl hostage.), the sides busted open and began to glow a bright sky blue. Kiki pulled the trigger without a second thought. The Vindicta shot out a sky blue energy ball surrounding a single bullet.

“At least you’ll go out happy you bastard!”

Before Kiki could blink, another two of the raiders fell to the ground, their blood pooling around them. The other man (man in the trench coat)had taken them down with two more shots of his heavy handguns. The last raider stared and dropped his box. He took off running, leaving the bloodbath behind him.

The little girl they saved poked her head through the beads of Kiki’s tent to see if it was safe. “Are they all gone now?” She asked, stepping out from hiding, holding her stuffed bunny closer.
Kiki holstered her pistol and walked over to the girl, kneeling down to her height. Giving her a sweet smile, Kiki patted her head. “Yes it’s safe.”

“My name’s Elly!” The girl exclaimed happily.
Laughing, Kiki stood up straight and winked at Elly. “I’m Kiki Starwind, don’t you forget it!”

The man who had helped Kiki save Elly approached the two, putting away his handguns and lighting himself another cigarette. “The kid okay?” He asked rather bluntly.
“I’m fine, and I’m not a kid! I’m like…seven.”
“Let’s get you home.” Kiki stated before poking her head into her tent once more. “Claire, I’m terribly sorry about this. You and Danny stay safe.”
“You too, Miss Kiki.” Claire smiled.
“I’ll join you; might as well see this through to the end. Young ladies shouldn’t be wandering around alone.” Taking a puff of his cigarette and letting the smoke out of his mouth, he smiled slightly. “The name’s Clyde.”

Elly smiled happily (, smiling happily, (commas) or smiled happily and led ect.) led the way quite a distance to a fenced in parking lot with a hotel behind it. Putting in a password on the touch-pad(,) the gate opened up for them and closed right after they went in. The place was a bit run-downed without having any sort of customers or business running it. Elly lead them to a small garage beside the main building. Letting herself in through the side door, Elly called out to her only relative.

“Grandpa, I’m home! Sorry I’m late but I got into a little trouble and these people helped me.” She stated as an old man came out from the little kitchenette. With snowy white hair and a clean face, he looked healthy from spending time working and keeping himself busy. His hands were stained black from mechanical work.

“Trouble, what kind of trouble?” He said shortly. “Stay for dinner.” Gramps told the two heroes.
They took him up on his proposal and explained to him what had happened just an hour before. After the meal, Elly took all the dishes as Gramps took out his pipe to tap it on the table.

“So where are you folks staying?”
Kiki took a sip of tea and shrugged, “I live in my tent I use for my Fortune Telling job. I read auras too, but that depends on what the client wants and can pay for.” Despite how much she hated waking up early from the noise, she gave a smile.
“It’s nice helping people feel better about things.”

“I wander.” Clyde stated before taking a long swig from his flask, “so nowhere.”
Kiki stretched a bit and played with her amber ring sitting on her right’s middle finger. “Why do you ask?”

“You can stay here! It’s safe and there are lots of rooms to pick!” Elly said before her Grandfather could continue.
“Only if you pick up after yourselves and give a hand when I need it. Don’t make me regret giving you room and board.” Gramps stated while packing his pipe and lighting it.

Kiki’s face lit up, like a kid in a candy store. “Oh, wow! Really? That’s so great, thank you, thank you!” She stood up and gave Gramps a hug. “I won’t let you down.” She gave him a gracious smile. “Anything else you might need from us?”

Gramps gave a surprised look before laughing and patting Kiki’s back. “No, no. And you’re welcome.”
“Thanks old man(,) that means a lot.” Clyde held out his hand.
“Old man(,)” Gramps chuckled and shook Clyde’s hand. He stood up and went out to the main doors of the hotel to unlock and let them in.

The massive lobby was covered with chairs and couches and the front desk with a set of stairs at the center leading to the second and third floors. There was a set of heavy oak doors by the front desk but they were locked up.
“Pick any room; I’ll make some keys later(,)” Gramps stated before heading back outside.

Back at the square, the police have (had) been there for quite some time(,) having tapped (taped) off the area where the battle happened. Standing among the bodies were two figures carefully looking about while trying not to step in the blood. One was scantily clad in racing armour most commonly found on combat bikers in gangs of some sort. She still had her helmet on. The other was a tall man in a blackwith white pin stripes three piece suit (three piece suit with white pin-stripes). On his shoulders he wore a white coat with a fancy trim like a cloak and sunglasses covered his eyes. He had short blue-grey hair and an unnerving smile.

“What do you think happened?” The woman asked.
The man took in a deep breath and bared his jagged, triangular teeth with a maniacal grin before getting his composure, tilting his glasses.
“All the perpetrators are dead…we’re looking for the good samaritans.” There were no normal eyes behind the glasses, just glossy black spheres.

Indicate to the reader that they're no longer at the square. When I was reading I got confused for a minute.

Taking Elly's grandpa seriously, Kiki ran up the stairs to pick one of the best suites in the hotel. The bedroom was huge with a king-sized canopy bed, a balcony giving her a perfect view of the ocean, her own master bath, walk in closet and vanity table and dresser set. The windows were covered by dirty ivory drapes.

On the ceiling was a huge gorgeous crystal chandelier; Kiki was in awe. The living room was equipped with furniture, lighting and the works. Off to the left was her very own kitchen with the sink the same cast iron as the bathtub. The cabinetry the same cherry wood as the bed frame and vanity/dresser set; including the doors to the bedroom and bath.

It needed to be dusted and cleaned big time, but other than that, it was perfect to hold her Future (Fortune) Telling job at. With a few days to clean up and set up her belongings, Kiki would be just fine.

Sighing, she gave the room a sincere look. "I guess you and I are gonna be spending a lot of time together, then...then you'll be gorgeous!"
Singing to her music that was playing, Kiki’s cleaning spree took the rest of the night. Finishing her living room last, she sighed in relief and got ready for bed.

The next morning, Kiki woke up realizing that she forgot her tent back down the street. Cursing almost every curse word in the book, she huffed out of bed and took a quick shower. Getting dressed in a green tank top and black drape vest, Kiki slipped on a pair of jeans and her flats. Sighing heavily, she quickly headed out to gather her belongings.
Running up, Kiki noticed the area was clear of the bodies but the blood from the battle was still around and everyone resumed their normal routines. Fortunately for her, no one thought to take her personal possessions so they were still sitting there untouched. Standing at the front of her tent was a tall man in a white three piece suit. The shirt was red but the tie was white as well to make a nice combination. He wore an unpleasant smile(,) as a predatory animal would wear with the teeth to match.

Kiki ran up to her tent, bracelets jingling, earrings and bosom bouncing(.) (S)he stopped abruptly at the entrance, almost about to keel over.

"I-I'm so sorry, sir!" She stated, out of breath. "I didn't mean to keep you waiting! I can give you a quick reading before I pack up if you like?" Kiki forced herself to stand up straight, clinching her side. "Damn, I'm outta shape." She laughed as the man gave her an unnerving smile.

Actually taking a good look at the man, Kiki saw colours burst from his aura. Pink, orange and a muddied red bombarded her bright blue eyes. From her training she could tell the man was in love, was very passionate and he was angry about something.

‘Maybe something from his past?’ Kiki thought to herself. She gave him a gracious white smile, trying not to let his unfriendly grin and predatory teeth intimidate her.

“Did you want a love reading?” Her blue eyes sparkled.
“That’s sweet of you, but I’m here on business.” Reaching into an inside pocket, he pulled out a badge. “Detective Elio Brice at your service; you are Miss Kiki Starwind? I want to have a word with you about yesterday’s altercation between you and another individual against a gang in this very square.”
Elio put his badge away slipping both hands in his pockets, his smile actually softened a bit. “Don’t you mind one bit(.) (T)his is actually a good visit from your friendly local law enforcement.” His eyes appeared to be black spheres behind his dark glasses, although Kiki had a hard time making them out.

“Oh? I hope I’m not in trouble, officer(,)” Kiki teased, giving Elio a flirty smile.

Pushing the beads aside as she entered her tent, Kiki mentioned(motioned) for Elio to enter with a graceful movement of her hand.
“Please come in and sit. Make yourself at home…or at least try to anyway.” She laughed as Elio entered and sat on one of the bigger pillows. “I’ll be willing to answer any questions that you have so as long as you don’t get huffy with me.”
“Thank you.” Elio stated, looking around. “I simply want to know where you and your other friend are at and who he is(,) exactly. Information is a little scarce and tacking (tracking) you was very easy since the locals take a shine to you. That(,) and I would like to thank you for teaching those punks a good lesson. If only the general public could stand up for themselves from time to time(,)” He complained with a shrug.

Kiki’s astral perception was picking up a little more than just his aura now. An actual shape of what was inside him or what he was, something large and aquatic. She sat down on the opposite side of Elio.
“Unfortunately, the only thing I can give you is where he is now. I don’t know much about him.” Kiki gave a sincere smile. “The old hotel down a ways is where we’re staying now. For saving the poor little girl who was taken hostage of (by) those idiots(.) (H)er grandpa has granted (offered) us a place to stay.” Keeping her smile, since his aquatic form made her uncomfortable, Kiki started to pack up her crystal ball. “Do you mind if I ask a question?”

Back at the hotel, Clyde had decided to take a look around since there was no one around. Coming (He came) across an old antique door,(no comma) decorated with engravings of a Victorian style in a deep cherry wood. The door knob was crystal and the key hole looked as though an ancient skeleton key would fit. Seeing as there was no key to be found, Clyde took a look at the handle and lock. Looking into the key hole, Clyde could see a pair of wooden stairs heading down just a bit in a small corridor that only one person at a time could walk down. Standing up, he raised an eyebrow reaching for one of his handguns.

“Here Mister!” Elly’s voice rang out.
Clyde stopped reaching for his gun as Elly trotted over and turned the knob. It opened with a loud creaking noise. Giving Clyde a smile of accomplishment, she giggled.
“Uh, thanks kid.”
“No problem!” Elly chirped happily and skipped away.

Flicking the light switch on the wall, Clyde could now clearly see the cherry oak stair case leading down stairs a bit. The walls on either side of him were made of brick. Heading down the staircase, it only took Clyde all but (less than) a minute to figure out he was inside what looked as though a bunker (had been) turned into a bar. Equipped with comfy chairs and love seats surrounding a brick fireplace, it could easily fit about thirty people. A nice long bar counter stretched across the back wall with dusty shelves still stocked with booze of all sorts. Clear on the far end of the staircase was a small stage to hold a small band. Tables and chairs spread across the floor in front of it.

“I figured the old man would be hiding something a little more dark and creepy down here(,)” He stated setting a cigarette in his mouth and lighting it. “Then again, I wonder if he even knows that this place is down here(,)” he continued to no one in particular.

Hopping behind the bar, Clyde searched the shelves(.) (G)rabbing some whiskey and cleaning himself a shot glassbefore pouring him(, he poured himself) some.

Again, indicate to the reader a change in perspective.

With the help of Elio, Kiki was able to pack up her tent rather quickly and head back to the hotel. Smiling, Kiki looked up at Elio.
“I thank you very much for your help.”
“No problem. I might also have some nice jobs for you and your friend(,)” Elio gave one of his unnerving predator smiles. “It pays well.”
“I might be interested(,)” Kiki snickered.
“Starwind…why does that sound so familiar?”
“Believe me, it doesn’t.”

Coming up on the hotel, Kiki secretly punched in the pass code to open the front gate. Leading the Detective inside and to the front door, she opened it up to allow him entrance. Walking into the grand lobby, Elio took a look around. Kiki sat her bag down next to the open door to the bar.

“Hm? I never noticed this door before…” Kiki peeked around the corner, looking at the stairs. “I wonder where it goes?”
“It’s a bar, you should come down here. I’ll make ya a drink!” Clyde shouted.
“Detective Brice, Clyde is downstairs(,)” Kiki smiled. “He’ll make us a drink.” She started down the stairs.

Taking the last step down onto the nice wooden floor, Kiki smiled as she realized how clean the place was. Walking over to Clyde, she sat up on one of the stools. Elio followed, hands in his pockets.

“Clyde, this is Detective Elio Brice. He’s here to thank us for taking care of those idiots yesterday.”
Nodding a “hello” to the Detective, Clyde raised an eyebrow. “So, can ya believe I found this place? Totally covered in seven different layers of dust; what do ya want to drink?”

“Rum and a coke, thank you(,)” Elio replied, taking a seat at the bar with a pleased expression.
“Hmm, I think I’m okay right now actually. Thank you.”
“Perfect! Everyone is here and all together. Before we drink and become merry, allow me to officially thank you two for executing the lower denomination and saving my department the time and money.”
Kiki nodded and stretched across the bar, laying her head down.

“Seeing as how you two are quite adept of (at) dispensing a little street justice, perhaps there is something we can all agree on(,)” Elio continued, taking a little toothpick to chew on idly. “This city needs troubleshooters, both literal and metaphorical. The work is steady and all you have to do is subscribe to our database. It’s sort of a listing for odd jobs and special requestsso (.) (S)ometimes deals come and go(,) so feel free to have a look. MaybeI (I'll) have a few personal requests of my own, especially for a fine lady such as yourself, Miss Kiki~.”

Kiki kind of stared, hoping those jobs didn’t require a sort of dirty mind sense.

“But do not mistake my praise and generosity for a pardon. What you did should have been left to the authorities and if anyone (either) of you break the law and I so much catch your scent(,) I may not be as forgiving as I am today.” Having taken a somber tone, Elio quickly smiled and waved a dismissive hand. “I have faith that you all won’t take part in any malicious behaviour. Well, maybe you Clyde but hey..!”

“Eh, eh…” Clyde slid Elio’s drink across the bar to him. “Last time I did something like this for you bastards, I ended up in prison. Maybe I’m too much of a fool to say no, or too drunk to give a damn but you won’t take me to prison again! Not without an incident.” He began to light a cigarette.

“Clyde, please,” Kiki grabbed his hand. “Don’t smoke around me(.) I hate it.”
Clyde stopped and nodded. “Sorry, I didn’t know.”

Finishing his drink, Elio smiled. “I’m the one asking for help. You’re more than welcome to turn down any offer I make.” Getting up, he gave a little wave to them both. “I’ll send work tomorrow on your comms. Sleep well.” And with that the detective bid them goodnight and took his leave.




Overall, I thought it was a great start. Aside from the two sections I mentioned, it was easy to follow.

A major thing I noticed in your writing was your punctuation reguarding quotations. Question and exclimation marks are fine inside quotes. For example: “Here Mister!” Elly’s voice rang out. When the person isn't asking a question or exclaiming something, use a comma before the end quotation marks. For example "“Claire, it’s nice to see you again.” Kiki stated softly. Instead of using a period inside the marks, you would use a comma. If you're not going to say so-and-so said, stated, ect, it's okay to use a period.

I found a page that might be able to better explain this. Here's the link: http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/commas.htm

The part about quotes is number six. I hope it helps.
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 1086
Reviews: 18
Mon Jan 17, 2011 5:05 pm
Kiki says...



Thank you very much <3 I appreciate it and it helps a lot!
  








i got called an enigma once so now i purposefully act obtuse
— chikara