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(Dreams) Chapter 4



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Fri Jan 07, 2011 1:32 am
Justagirl says...



Alora

“Alora, come on.”

“Here I come!”

Nezra stared daggers at me while I hurried to catch up with Torin who was already at the door.

“So Nezra, you stay here. Don’t-”

“I know, I know,” Nezra cut off Torin, “Don’t come after you, don’t go in the BBD, and don’t be irresponsible.”

I huffed at Nezra’s exasperated tone. Couldn’t Torin see she was totally coming after us?

Torin looked at me and started, “Are you-“

“Yes, I’m ready.”

“You don’t need to baby her, Torin. She’s not too much of a child.” Nezra butted in.

“Shut, Nezra.”

Torin pulled me out the door, slamming it behind him.

“Is she always like that?”

“No, she’s just mad she has to stay at the Insomnium and I’d get to go on an – her words, not mine – adventure.”

“Aren’t’ we only going to my orphanage?”

“No, we’re going to go to the orphanage and then to the woods. We’re going to camp out there until things cool down.”

“Cool down a bit?” I asked hopefully.

“A lot, unless you want to be killed or…Worse.”

I thought about that for a second as we walked away from the Insomnium. What could be worse than being dead? Tortured? No, you’d probably end up dead afterwards. Locked in syndrome would be pretty bad… I’d only be able to communicate with my eyes, which would be pretty hard. Also complete sensory deprivation. No seeing, no smelling, tasting, feeling, hearing… Ugh.

“So,” I asked him, “What’s ‘worse’?”

“Being able to be used by the government to – probably – hurt, or help hurt, people.”

“What?! I can be used? Isn’t there a law against that?”

“Not when you’re being used by the government. Technically, all Dreams Keepers are being used.”

“By the government?”

He snorted, “Who else?”

I blushed, “ I don’t know… Aliens…”

“Do I look like I’m being used by an alien?”

“Never mind.”

“Good.”

We walked in an awkward silence for a while.

“We’re almost there.” I said, recognizing the small orphanage in the distance.

“Ok.”

“Um… Why’d we have to walk in the,” I tripped over something, “dark?”

“We won’t be seen as easily.”

“Ok. So why’d you finally cave to letting me go the orphanage?”

“Nezra convinced me.”

“How?” I asked, curious to how Nezra could overcome Torin.

“She insisted that you needed something.”

“What?”

“She said, ‘she’s a girl, she’ll need tons of stuff: makeup, clothes, undies, toiletries – especially’ then I stopped her. I got her point.”

I giggled. Nezra was smart, evil-ish, but smart.

Torin rolled his eyes, but otherwise ignored my giggle.

When we got to the orphanage I went around back and excavated the key from under a large flower pot.

I could tell Torin looked uncomfortable, “You can wait outside.”

“Thanks.”

He turned and melted into the shadows, only his silver pupils standing out.

Once I’d fumbled my way through the back door I climbed up the stairs, avoiding the creaky parts, and into the second shared girls’ bedroom. I looked into my drawer in the dresser and saw it was empty. Maybe Yuli had taken my clothes into her room to sort and see who could get what?

I crept into Yuli’s room, making sure she was snoring. Looking around I saw a large, black garbage bag near Yuli – I grimaced – Yuli was a light sleeper, I’d probably wake her.

My eyes glanced at Yuli’s sleeping face and detected something wrong with the usual round, cheerful brown color. One side of her head was swollen and slightly pink, had someone hit her?

The government.

Rage filled me. How could they do this to her? Just because she didn’t know where I was they hit her? At least they hadn’t done worse, I thought, but I was still angry.

I slipped beside Yuli’s bed and stroked the swelling. The skin was still quite taught so she had gotten it recently.

“Alora?”

I froze, and then words poured out of my mouth, “I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have left you. I can’t believe they did this to you! It’s my entire fault, please forgive me. I love you guys all so much but I just had to leave. I know it’s dumb but they’ll get me if I stay and –”

Yuli put a finger to my lips, “Shhh. It’s ok. We love you to and I know why you had to leave. The government really is terrible…”

There was a creak from the stairs.

My head whipped around, searching for the intruder. Yuliani’s face had paled and she was motioning me to leave. I kissed my finger and pressed it against her head, then ran over to her window, my steps muffled on the rug.

I opened the window and cringed when it made a long squeeeek as it opened. Forgetting about my clothes I crawled out onto the roof and looked behind me. Yuliani was pretending to be asleep and there were no sounds coming from the halls.

“Torin?” I said cautiously.

“Yeah?” He replied, somewhere below me, blending in the shadows.

“Someone’s in the house.” I started creeping towards his voice.

“Duh.”

“Someone who shouldn’t be.”

“How do you know?” He asked incredulously.

“There was a creak on the stairs.”

“Whatever. Just get down here.”

“I don’t know how.”

“Jump.”

I swallowed, knowing there was no other way.

Making my way over to the part of the roof that sagged I heard Torin speak, “You’re so annoying, you know?”

“I try,” said Nezra’s smug voice. “Anyways, I know you wanted me to come.”

Torin sighed exasperatedly and I got ready to jump.

3…2…

There was a loud gunshot and I jumped off the roof, freaked out and afraid.

“Damn.” Came the voice from the roof as I hit the ground.

The balls of my feet took most of the impact and pain seared through them and into my legs as the force of my fall was carried among my bones. I moaned in pain.

Torin emerged form the shadows, Nezra following him.

“Ready to go?” He asked, looking curiously up at the roof, six and a half feet above him.

“Uh…” I moaned, still letting the pain settle.

“Good.” He grabbed my arm and pulled me up, letting me rest some of my weight on him.

A black silhouette looked down from the roof, another gunshot. The bullet landed near Nezra. She bent towards it as Torin started to run, letting my weight slip off him and back to me.

“Dart,” she clarified. “Probably with a sedative or something in it.”

“Ok.” Replied Torin.

She ran to catch up and we started weaving away through the houses. The black figure was close behind us, occasionally shooting a dart.

I was gasping for breath in a minute but Torin and Nezra seemed fine, as if they had just walked a few steps.

“How long do we have to do this for?” I puffed.

“Until we lose him.” Torin answered simply.

I rolled my eyes and ran on, my lungs burning with the cold night air.

A few minutes later the figure was still behind us and I was getting closer to him, not being able to keep up with Torin and Nezra’s speed.

“Wait!” I shouted at them, my voice hoarse.

Torin stopped and waited for me. The black figure sped up, knowing the time was right to get us, or me, I guess.

Another dart whizzed past my head. Torin picked up a small rock from the side of the road; he threw it at the figure. There was a quiet sound of surprise and the figure fell back, what looked like an arm being held to its head.

“How do you do that?”

“Run now, ask questions later.” Said Torin, picking up an easy lope.

I huffed after him, trying to ease the cramps in my side, and the burning in my lungs.
"Just remember there's a difference between stalking people on the internet, and going to their house and cutting their skin off." - Jenna Marbles

~ Yeah I'm letting go of what I had, yeah I'm living now and living loud ~
  





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Fri Jan 07, 2011 2:57 am
Kittengirl2 says...



Too short! Much too short!! Well, I love it anyway.

So, she just jumped off a roof, in the dark, when she wasn't even ready because she heard a gunshot? And now she's running? And these people chasing her, who are much more physically capable of running, can't catch her? This isn't making too much sense to me...

Justagirl wrote:Once I’d fumbled my way through the back door I climbed up the stairs, avoiding the creaky parts, and into the second shared girls’ bedroom. I looked into my drawer in the dresser and saw it was empty.

Just a bit of confusion here, I would reccommend removing the 'Once I'd' and replace it with just plain 'I'. You could instead replace the period with a comma, but that would create a bit of a run-on.
Justagirl wrote:“Yeah?” He replied, somewhere below me, blending in with the shadows.

Everything else is very nice. Can't wait for more!
"A kitten is an angel with whiskers."
  





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Fri Jan 07, 2011 5:57 pm
Sierra says...



Okay, first things first, I think the placement of this is a little bit awkward. I think your last two chapters have seemed a little rushed and there are large gaps in between them where it seems like a lot of story is being cut out. I think you should extend this chapter back a bit, to where they decide that they are going, why, how and where. I think Torin should get to know Alora a bit better before he decides to help her. Most people wouldn't drop everything to help a random girl who just kind of appeared one day. Also, I not particularly dig the fact that this chapter consists of dialogue, and very little besides dialogue. Try to add more emotion, more internal monologue, more action.
Now that all that icky stuff is over with, I have to say that I really did like it. I think it was too short, because I WANT to read more about your characters and their story. The general idea is really cool, and I loved the word 'Insomnium' . . .
What a shame,
We used to be such fragile broken things.
  








Every really new idea looks crazy at first.
— Alfred North Whitehead