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(Dreams) Chapter 3



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Wed Dec 22, 2010 5:10 pm
Justagirl says...



Torin

“Torin,” called Nezra’s voice, “There’s some desperate girl at the door!”

“Ok, I’m coming…”

I wondered who this “desperate girl” was, another girl looking for the library. Probably.

When I got down to the front hall and finally saw her I stopped, bewildered.

This was not another girl looking for a library this was a tall, slender late-teens stunning girl. Her hair was waist-length and light brown with red streaks; she had light, extremely blue eyes, I forced myself to keep walking normally and wipe my faceoff any expression.

“Hey.” I said, looking over her again, she was shivering, badly.

“H-h-hi…” She said, her emotions playing across her face: bewilderment, awe, embarrassment.

“I’m Torin,” I extended my hand, “Who’re you?”

“A-Alora…” She extended her shaking hand, and then pulled back, looking behind me.

I turned and saw Nezra transforming her expression from a glare to a sweet smile.

“Nez,” I said, stretching the “e”, “We can’t scare her.”

“Oh,” She said sweetly, “Ok.”

Alora was still looking between me and Nezra with a disbelieving look on her face.

“Uh… S-s-so what now?” Asked Alora.

“Nezra brings you to a room for you to temporarily sit in.”

“S-sit i-in?” Alora asked, her eyebrow raised.

“Yes. You may sit in it while I talk with Nezra about this situation.”

“Wha-whatev-whatever.” She said, trying to seem unfazed.

“Good.”

Nezra motioned to her and she followed her down the hall.

I groaned, slid down the wall and stuck my head in my hands.

When Nezra came back I was still in the same position, on the ground, moaning.

She slid down next to me, “What’s up?”

“Her.”

She looked at me with her gray eyes, “Oh. I know. She’s a pain, huh?”

“No. She’s another thing to look after.”

“Huh?”

“I have to look after you, the Insomnium, me, and now her.”

“Oh,” said Nezra, her voice taking on sarcasm, “well, I can leave you know. Maybe it won’t be so hard for you.”

I sighed, “You know that I love you Nezra –“

“You do?”

I turned to look at her curiously, “Yes, as my partner… You help me and I’d go psycho without you.”

“Oh… Yeah, I know.”

I stretched my legs out. “I just don’t know what to do with her.”

“Listen to her story?”

“She has one?”

“Yeah, something about the government wanting her…” Said Nezra casually.

“And you just remembered to tell me this?”

“No, now is just… The right time.”

I let out a disgusted sigh.

“I’m going to talk to her.” I stood and started walking down the hall, Nezra’s gray eyes watching my back.



When I got to Alora’s room I walked right in without knocking. Big mistake.

As soon as I had walked in I spotted a pair of bare legs, hot pink bikini under wear and an uncovered stomach, I didn’t get any farther up before Alora had screamed.

“Oh my god!!!” Alora screeched, “What are you doing in her?!?!?”

I quickly covered my eyes and backed gracefully into the door on my way out of her room.

Blushing, I kept repeating, “Sorry, sorry, sorry.”

After a minute I knocked on her door, “Can I come in?”

She sighed, “Yep, all covered.”

I composed my face to an expression of apologetic structure and walked in.

“I’m sorry, I should’ve knocked.”

“Yes,” She said, buttoning a black and green plaid t-shirt. “You should have. I was dressing.”

“Yeah. I could tell.”

The silence spiraled into awkwardness.

“So… You told Nez that the government was after you?”

Alora’s eyes widened, “They are.”

“Oh. Ok. Why?”

“They want to ask me questions.”

I almost laughed with relief. They wanted to ask her questions? So? At least they didn’t want to take her away to test her to see if she’d be good for a morbid, deteriorating job.

“What?”

“What?”

“Why are you relieved?”

“How do you know I’m relieved?”

“I read your face.”

Wow, she was and intelligent girl, that is always a plus.

“I just thought it would be something bigger than the government just wanting to ask you a few questions.”

“It is, sort of…”

I raised an eyebrow.

“Well they wanted to ask me questions about my memories.”

“So?”

“I’m missing a lot of my memories.”

“What?!?”

“I can’t remember a lot of my childhood.”

I stood there in bewilderment. Was it like this for most people? They couldn’t remember their childhood when they went into their late teens?

“Yes, most people can remember their childhoods.”

“Oh,” I was surprised she could read me so well. “Why not you then?”

“I don’t know.”

“What about your parents, then, do they know you’re here?”

“Um… I’m an orphan.”

“Oh…” I looked at her sad, lost expression, “I’m sorry.”

“It’s ok, I never knew them.”

“Oh… My parents died too.”

“No, no. I mean I never knew them, ever. I have absolutely no memories of them. I’m sorry about your parents though.”

I stared at her. I’d just, like a fool, revealed that my parents were dead, thinking hers were too and that she knew the feeling. Why did I do that?

“Oh… Ah…” I tried to think of something to say.

She giggled, a cute sound that I’ve rarely heard Nezra make, “You know, you say “oh” a lot.”

“Oh – I mean… Oh.”

She laughed.

I smiled, happy she thought I was funny.

Wait, what was I doing? I couldn’t start liking her! I stopped smiling and regained control of my expression, turning it into a business mask.

She stopped laughing. “What? Was it something I did?”

I ignored her question, “Have you ever been in contact with the government before?”

“Huh?”

“Since they’re coming to you now I would think that you were in contact with them beforehand.”

“I don’t think so…”

“Are you sure?”

“Um…”

“Search your mind for any memories.”

Her face fell, “I don’t have that many.”

“Well look anyway.”

She closed her eyes.

“Nope!”

“No memories?”

“No, I mean that ‘nope’ I don’t have no memories, no, no I don’t have no memories. I do have memories therefore I don’t have no memories. Therefore nope, I don’t have no memories of the government.”

I stared at her.

“What the heck did you just say? All I heard was nope, therefore, and no.”

She sighed exasperatedly, “I don’t have any memories of the government, therefore –”

“Do you, or do you not, have any memories of the government?”

“I do.”

“You have memories of the government before now?”

“Yes.”

“Good.” I cracked a small smile. “We don’t need to mess around trying to confuse me then, right?”

She giggled, “Right, Sir.”

I sighed.

“Aren’t you going to ask me what they are, Sir?”

“Stop calling me Sir, I’m younger than you.”

“Technically you aren’t, I'm seventeen and your Immortal - I can tell by your silver pupils - and also it doesn’t matter whether you are younger or older than me.”

“I’m Torin, you’re Alora,” I said slowly, as if I was teaching a child to read. “Now what are your memories of the government?”

“Alright, Torin, my memories are this: a bright, white room, tons of people rushing around me in doctors’ suits. And a middle-aged man with graying brown hair at a desk with wood walls and a cream floor around him.”

My brain froze, graying brown hair, wood walls, cream floor? It sounded like the vice president at the president’s desk, but…

“Marcus.” I whispered.

“What?” Asked Alora, clearly confused by my whisper and extreme facial changes.

“Who’s the president at this time?”

“Marcus Shaile, wh – ?”

“The president is trying to contact you, because you were tested on as a kid.”

Alora stared at me. After a couple of minutes it didn’t seem like she was going to talk to me anymore so I left the room.

When I got to the Average dreams I walked in and shook Nezra’s shoulder.

“What?” She asked grumpily.

“We need to talk.”

“I can tell.”

She walked past me, leaving me no choice but to follow her.

When we got into her room she stopped, closed the door then faced me.

“What are we going to do with her?” She asked.

“I don’t know, I thought you might have an idea.”

“Well I don’t so start thinking.”

I rolled my eyes at her, “We can’t just boot her out.”

“Yes, we can.”

“Oh, don’t be jealous. You two can share me.”

“That’s not what I’m worried about.”

“What is then?”

“She’s going to distract you. Then, when the government finds her, we’ll be involved in the whole thing too; do you want that to happen?”

“True… What can we do then?”

“Rid ourselves of her toxins.”

I sighed and rolled my eyes again, “She’s not toxic and we’re definitely not going to ‘rid ourselves of her toxins’, I think she needs us.”

“I think she doesn’t.”

“We’re not getting rid of her, that’s final.”

Nezra sighed exasperatedly, “All right then, you figure out what to do with her. If you’re not going to listen to me this is a one-sided conversation and a waste of my time. See ya.”

Nezra walked out of the room, then her head popped back in, “get out of my room.”

I didn’t feel like arguing, “Ok.”

I went to my room and sat on my bed.

“I guess we’ll just keep her until I figure out what to do with her.”

I sighed, got up and walked to the Boulevard of Broken Dreams.

Time to lose myself in nightmares.
"Just remember there's a difference between stalking people on the internet, and going to their house and cutting their skin off." - Jenna Marbles

~ Yeah I'm letting go of what I had, yeah I'm living now and living loud ~
  





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61 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1903
Reviews: 61
Wed Dec 22, 2010 5:54 pm
Sierra says...



Wahhh. I thought you were going to send this to me *pout*
Oh, well, whatever.

Okay, so first things first this is rushed. You could fit in a good six to eight pages on Alora packing, sneaking out, running away, figuring out who Torin is and finding him. You just lost a lot of story here. Also, I think this chapter itself seems rushed. Make it longer. Add more description. Torin and Nezra come to the right conclusions too quickly and know too much about Alora and her problems right away. Draw it out. And add a bit more description and activity during in between dialogue. Instead of just saying 'he said, she said, and I said' put in little things about what the characters are doing. Do they sit down when they talk? Do they run their hands through their hair? Is their ankle unbelievably itchy? Stuff like that.
And I will love you forever if you add more internal monologue.

Justagirl wrote:Torin

“Torin,” called Nezra’s voice, “There’s some desperate girl at the door!” Haha. I like the 'some desperate girl at the door'

“Ok, I’m coming…”

I wondered who this “desperate girl” was, another girl looking for the library. Probably.

When I got down to the front hall and finally saw her I stopped, bewildered.

This was not another girl looking for a library this was a tall, slender late-teens stunning girl. Her hair was waist-length and light brown with red streaks; she had light, extremely blue eyes, I forced myself to keep walking normally and wipe my faceoff any expression. Correction: 'face of any expression'.

“Hey.” I said, looking over her again, she was shivering, badly. You could make this sentence a little better. Instead of 'she was shivering badly' you could say ' she was shivering so hard her teeth were chattering' or something.

“H-h-hi…” She said, her emotions playing across her face: bewilderment, awe, embarrassment.

“I’m Torin,” I extended my hand, “Who’re you?”

“A-Alora…” She extended her shaking hand, and then pulled back, looking behind me.

I turned and saw Nezra transforming her expression from a glare to a sweet smile.

“Nez,” I said, stretching the “e”, “We can’t scare her.” Haha. I love Nezra :)

“Oh,” She said sweetly, “Ok.”

Alora was still looking between me and Nezra with a disbelieving look on her face.

“Uh… S-s-so what now?” Asked Alora.

“Nezra brings you to a room for you to temporarily sit in.”

“S-sit i-in?” Alora asked, her eyebrow raised.

“Yes. You may sit in it while I talk with Nezra about this situation.”

“Wha-whatev-whatever.” She said, trying to seem unfazed.

“Good.”

Nezra motioned to her and she followed her down the hall.

I groaned, slid down the wall and stuck my head in my hands. I can imagine this perfectly. I like it.

When Nezra came back I was still in the same position, on the ground, moaning.

She slid down next to me, “What’s up?”

“Her.”

She looked at me with her gray eyes, “Oh. I know. She’s a pain, huh?”

“No. She’s another thing to look after.”

“Huh?”

“I have to look after you, the Insomnium, me, and now her.”

“Oh,” said Nezra, her voice taking on sarcasm, “well, I can leave you know. Maybe it won’t be so hard for you.”

I sighed, “You know that I love you Nezra –“

“You do?”

I turned to look at her curiously, “Yes, as my partner… You help me and I’d go psycho without you.”

“Oh… Yeah, I know.”

I stretched my legs out. “I just don’t know what to do with her.”

“Listen to her story?”

“She has one?”

“Yeah, something about the government wanting her…” Said Nezra casually.

“And you just remembered to tell me this?”

“No, now is just… The right time.”

I let out a disgusted sigh.

“I’m going to talk to her.” I stood and started walking down the hall, Nezra’s gray eyes watching my back.



When I got to Alora’s room I walked right in without knocking. Big mistake.

As soon as I had walked in I spotted a pair of bare legs, hot pink bikini under wear and an uncovered stomach, I didn’t get any farther up before Alora had screamed.I love this. So funny. So embarrassing. Its wonderful.

“Oh my god!!!” Alora screeched, “What are you doing in here?!?!?”

I quickly covered my eyes and backed gracefully into the door on my way out of her room.

Blushing, I kept repeating, “Sorry, sorry, sorry.”

After a minute I knocked on her door, “Can I come in?” This part is a bit rushed. Have him go out into the hall, close the door, stand there, wait, and then ask if he can come in.

She sighed, “Yep, all covered.”

I composed my face to an expression of apologetic structure and walked in.

“I’m sorry, I should’ve knocked.”

“Yes,” She said, buttoning a black and green plaid t-shirt. “You should have. I was dressing.”

“Yeah. I could tell.”

The silence spiraled into awkwardness.

“So… You told Nez that the government was after you?”

Alora’s eyes widened, “They are.”

“Oh. Ok. Why?”

“They want to ask me questions.”

I almost laughed with relief. They wanted to ask her questions? So? At least they didn’t want to take her away to test her to see if she’d be good for a morbid, deteriorating job.

“What?”

“What?”

“Why are you relieved?”

“How do you know I’m relieved?”

“I read your face.”

Wow, she was and intelligent girl, that is always a plus. Correction: she was an intelligent girl. No 'd' on the an.

“I just thought it would be something bigger than the government just wanting to ask you a few questions.”

“It is, sort of…”

I raised an eyebrow.

“Well they wanted to ask me questions about my memories.”

“So?”

“I’m missing a lot of my memories.”

“What?!?”

“I can’t remember a lot of my childhood.”

I stood there in bewilderment. Was it like this for most people? They couldn’t remember their childhood when they went into their late teens?

“Yes, most people can remember their childhoods.”

“Oh,” I was surprised she could read me so well. “Why not you then?”

“I don’t know.”

“What about your parents, then, do they know you’re here?”

“Um… I’m an orphan.”

“Oh…” I looked at her sad, lost expression, “I’m sorry.”

“It’s ok, I never knew them.”

“Oh… My parents died too.”

“No, no. I mean I never knew them, ever. I have absolutely no memories of them. I’m sorry about your parents though.”

I stared at her. I’d just, like a fool, revealed that my parents were dead, thinking hers were too and that she knew the feeling. Why did I do that?

“Oh… Ah…” I tried to think of something to say.

She giggled, a cute sound that I’ve rarely heard Nezra make, “You know, you say “oh” a lot.”

“Oh – I mean… Oh.”

She laughed.

I smiled, happy she thought I was funny.

Wait, what was I doing? I couldn’t start liking her! I stopped smiling and regained control of my expression, turning it into a business mask.

She stopped laughing. “What? Was it something I did?”

I ignored her question, “Have you ever been in contact with the government before?”

“Huh?”

“Since they’re coming to you now I would think that you were in contact with them beforehand.”

“I don’t think so…”

“Are you sure?”

“Um…”

“Search your mind for any memories.”

Her face fell, “I don’t have that many.”

“Well look anyway.”

She closed her eyes.

“Nope!”

“No memories?”

“No, I mean that ‘nope’ I don’t have no memories, no, no I don’t have no memories. I do have memories therefore I don’t have no memories. Therefore nope, I don’t have no memories of the government.”

I stared at her.

“What the heck did you just say? All I heard was nope, therefore, and no.” Love this part.

She sighed exasperatedly, “I don’t have any memories of the government, therefore –”

“Do you, or do you not, have any memories of the government?”

“I do.”

“You have memories of the government before now?”

“Yes.”

“Good.” I cracked a small smile. “We don’t need to mess around trying to confuse me then, right?”

She giggled, “Right, Sir.”

I sighed.

“Aren’t you going to ask me what they are, Sir?”

“Stop calling me Sir, I’m younger than you.”

“Technically you aren’t, I'm seventeen and your Immortal - I can tell by your silver pupils - and also it doesn’t matter whether you are younger or older than me.”

“I’m Torin, you’re Alora,” I said slowly, as if I was teaching a child to read. “Now what are your memories of the government?”

“Alright, Torin, my memories are this: a bright, white room, tons of people rushing around me in doctors’ suits. And a middle-aged man with graying brown hair at a desk with wood walls and a cream floor around him.”

My brain froze, graying brown hair, wood walls, cream floor? It sounded like the vice president at the president’s desk, but…

“Marcus.” I whispered.

“What?” Asked Alora, clearly confused by my whisper and extreme facial changes.

“Who’s the president at this time?”

“Marcus Shaile, wh – ?”

“The president is trying to contact you, because you were tested on as a kid.”

Alora stared at me. After a couple of minutes it didn’t seem like she was going to talk to me anymore so I left the room.

When I got to the Average dreams I walked in and shook Nezra’s shoulder.

“What?” She asked grumpily.

“We need to talk.”

“I can tell.”

She walked past me, leaving me no choice but to follow her.

When we got into her room she stopped, closed the door then faced me.

“What are we going to do with her?” She asked.

“I don’t know, I thought you might have an idea.”

“Well I don’t so start thinking.”

I rolled my eyes at her, “We can’t just boot her out.”

“Yes, we can.”

“Oh, don’t be jealous. You two can share me.”:)

“That’s not what I’m worried about.”

“What is then?”

“She’s going to distract you. Then, when the government finds her, we’ll be involved in the whole thing too; do you want that to happen?”

“True… What can we do then?”

“Rid ourselves of her toxins.”

I sighed and rolled my eyes again, “She’s not toxic and we’re definitely not going to ‘rid ourselves of her toxins’, I think she needs us.”

“I think she doesn’t.”

“We’re not getting rid of her, that’s final.”

Nezra sighed exasperatedly, “All right then, you figure out what to do with her. If you’re not going to listen to me this is a one-sided conversation and a waste of my time. See ya.”

Nezra walked out of the room, then her head popped back in, “get out of my room.”

I didn’t feel like arguing, “Ok.”

I went to my room and sat on my bed.

“I guess we’ll just keep her until I figure out what to do with her.”

I sighed, got up and walked to the Boulevard of Broken Dreams.

Time to lose myself in nightmares.


Great chapter ending, by the way.

Sparkles,
Sierra.
What a shame,
We used to be such fragile broken things.
  





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52 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1957
Reviews: 52
Thu Dec 30, 2010 3:46 am
Kittengirl2 says...



OK, did I miss something? How do they know all this stuff about her? Do they have some psychic powers I don't know about? I agree with Sierra, you're definitely rushing it too much. And it seems to me like they all should be a bit more secretive. Why are they so trusting of each other? Build some suspense and keep the reader guessing.

Great, although there seems to be a gap between chapters. Maybe it's just me. Again, love the chapter ending.

~Kittengirl
"A kitten is an angel with whiskers."
  








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