z

Young Writers Society


Shadow of the Dawn (Chapter 3)



User avatar
129 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 914
Reviews: 129
Sat Dec 18, 2010 2:13 pm
WaitingForLife says...



Chapter 3


The puzzlement must have shown on my face, because her - and it was most definitely a her - full, red lips curved into a self conscious grin. She had sharp features which spoke of a life of fighting. Her nose was slightly crooked; I guessed she had broken her nose somewhere in her past, and had it mended. Her coffee-colored hair hung down to her shoulders in a ponytail, and her chin was slightly pointed. The green eyes seemed to pierce my very soul.

“My, my, what do we have here?” she whispered into my ear.

The pressure on my throat increased as I tried to slide away from the needle sharp point. “This isn't a very good way to start a relationship you know,” I remarked.

“A jokester this one, eh?” she purred, “They always seem to be the most dangerous kind.”

I put on my most disarming smile and dropped my knife. “Good enough?”

“Suits me.” Suddenly, she smiled, “By the way, I'm Lizzy”

“Uh.. I'm --,” I mumbled, taken aback. “Do you mind...?” I glanced suggestively at the saber.

“Oh, sorry, just a safety procedure,” The pressure ceased and I took a shaky breath. Lizzy bent down and wiped the blade of her sword on the henchy's jacket, wearing a thoughtful frown.

She was clothed in full camo, all grays and browns to blend into the rugged territory. The camo was at odds with the polished black scabbard on her hip and the metallic revolver holstered on her ankle. I looked down at myself: black combat boots; brown, loose pants; black shirt; and a light, voluminous, brown cape. All of it torn and patched by constant wear and use. I felt a stab of jealousy in the pit of my stomach. Why do the chicks always get the cool, high-tech equipment, and I'm stuck with whatever I can manage to scrape out of my wallet?

“What?” Lizzy inquired.

My eyes snapped back into focus, and I realized I had been staring at her. I felt the heat rising in my cheeks and hastily averted my eyes. From the corner of my eye I saw her throw back her head and a rich, throaty laughter escaped her mouth. It was simply so intoxicating and merry that I couldn't help but join in. Tears of laughter blurred my vision as she collapsed on me, shaking with laughter. So there we were, laughing our asses off on top of a dead man. Call me crazy; I prefer the expression: 'enjoying life while one can.'
***


The laughter died away eventually. I dried my eyes on the back of my hand, and chuckled.

“I haven't laughed like that in a while,” I admitted.

“Me neither,” Lizzy laughed, ”But you were checking me out weren't you?”

I let out a nervous laugh, and left it at that. There was an awkward silence, which I just had to break. “No I wasn't...”

“Yeah, of course not,” she laughed. But hey, at least she didn't press the issue. You have just got to give credit to little things like that that save you from complete humiliation.

“So... Lizzy, I have to keep going, if you'll excuse me?” I shouldered my rifle and started to turn away from her. Her hand found my arm.

“I can help you,” she said.

“You don't even know where I'm going.”

“I know you would have killed this apprentice if I hadn't gotten here first, so I guess we're on the same side,” she shrugged.

“I don't take sides, sorry.” I tried to shrug free of Lizzy's grasp, but she held on tighter.

“You already have, you just don't know it yet,” she smiled as she said it. Her eyes, for the lack of a better phrase, misted over and she seemed to stare into another dimension, “I feel as if I should stick close to you, you seem... important in some way.”

She squinted at me through the sunlight with her head cocked as if considering me. I looked away, suddenly embarrassed for no reason at all – and a bit creeped out to tell the truth.

“Fine you can come, as long as you make yourself useful,” I muttered through my teeth.

There didn't seem to be any courteous way of declining her offer. Lizzy whooped aloud in joy and again I was startled by her childish demeanor.

I informed her about the squad I was chasing: the number of men, their equipments, and so on. You know, the things us professionals use to our advantages. She seemed to take all the information in like a sponge. And after I asked her if she still remembered what I had just told her, she repeated it to me word by word in a satisfied grin. I was dumbfounded to say the least.

“Why were they after you?” Lizzy asked innocently.

“You can live without that information,” I said tightly, and would not give into her hail of questions.
***


We figured that resting now would help us much more than just blindly rushing into some ambush our good friend had managed to set up. That been decided, we struck camp on top of the dune, or Lizzy struck camp and I was allowed to stay. I helped Lizzy get the tent up, injuring two of my fingers with the mallet in the process. It took us only a couple of minutes until the the tent was upright and functional. It was simply made, but sturdy, the coloring reminding me of a nightingale. The inside was extremely cramped; it was certainly not meant for two people. We threw our stuff in and it was even more cramped – if that was even possible.

“I can sleep outside, I don't mind,” I offered.

“No, no, you'll sleep in here... we'll find you some room.” she said as she wore the same thoughtful frown as earlier.

After a lot of fidgeting and turning about, we ended up sleeping back to back. I turned around in the cramped tent when she started undressing herself, completely unmindful of my presence. Hell, women can be so damn frustrating at times. I got out of my trousers and cloak a little guardedly and slumped onto the cot that she had provided for us. After a moment Lizzy lay down next to me.

Lizzy's warm body pressed to mine felt awkward, but at the same time it was very nice in a primal sort of way. We were pressed together further by the mass of our belongings, and the temperature in the confined space was uncomfortably high. It didn't take much time before Lizzy's breathing evened out as she fell asleep though. The steady movement of her chest rising and falling was relaxing as hell. I soon found myself hypnotized to sleep.

Spoiler! :
I'm not really sure if I like this chapter or not, any advice is appreciated. Thanks. :)
Last edited by WaitingForLife on Tue Jan 04, 2011 2:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Call me crazy; I prefer 'enjoys life while one can'.
-------
The pen's mightier than the sword - especially when it's wielded by a flipmothering dragon.
-------
◥▶◀◤
  





User avatar
16 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 950
Reviews: 16
Sat Dec 18, 2010 7:13 pm
Aquareed says...



Wow. You may not have liked it but I did! I don't think I couldd find any nitpicks, but I'm not the best person to ask. But it was great, really. Everything felt really realistic and fresh. The characters seem well drawn (I like Lizzy) and....I can't think of anything else to say. Sorry, this is a really unhelpful review, but then again, you don'y really need any help :)
  





User avatar
532 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 27927
Reviews: 532
Fri Dec 31, 2010 11:43 am
ArcticMonkey says...



Hey, WaitingForLife! Here to review as requested :)

Overall Impression:
I like your beginning, just describing Lizzy, and as for your end you could’ve used more of a cliff hanger if you wanted to. You characters are shaping quite nicely and I think that most of your wording is great. I’m going to go into more detail now :)
Spoiler! :
So, there we were, laughing our asses off on top of a dead man.

You don't need the comma after So.


Character:
This section will probably be longer than the others because you wanted me to focus on this, right?
Lizzy: At the moment, you’ve kept her characteristics very consistent, which is good. Taking into account that this is a novel, I’m don’t know how much I can know about her at the moment. But generally speaking, I don’t know a lot. So, in your next chapters, make sure you include her back story please and how she came here. She seems like a tough girl, make sure you don’t fall into the cliché of a tom-boy girl who hates all things girly and is just basically a boy. Maybe the other guy could get annoyed at her at some point because of her feminine characteristics.

Suits me.” Suddenly, she smiled, “By the way, I'm Lizzy”
“Uh.. I'm --,” I mumbled, taken aback. “Do you mind...?” I glanced suggestively at the saber.

I like how he’s nervous, however could you squeeze him mentioning his name somewhere? Because we are three chapters in, and I don’t know your protagonists name ;)

Protagonist: I think through these chapters you’ve kept him consistent. He is not that weak, but at the same time he does need someone to help him like Lizzy. I know of how he got here, on his own, but I still don’t know a lot. I’d like to know what’s been going on since birth. Seeing as this is a bit of a super-natural Sci-Fi, it probably won’t make sense in the real world, however, in your story you can take it as far as you want. Personally, I like the Protagonist more than Lizzy because of your characterization, I know more about him and you’ve made quite a realistic character. Remember, basing a character of someone is easier than starting from scratch.

Now, character development. I’m expected to know more about the Protagonist then Lizzy.
Characterization is the method used by a writer to develop a character.

The method includes:
1) Showing the character’s appearance
2) Displaying the characters actions
3) Revealing the characters thoughts
4) Letting the character speak
5) Getting the reactions of others
REMEMBER THE ABOVE :D

Plot (so far):
Well, this chapter doesn’t really show more of what has happened, apart from the fact that they’ve killed an apprentice, and the Protagonist has met a fellow follower, Lizzy and they’ve gone to sleep to wake up an continue their journey. I have read the previous chapters and I think that this chapter is the least explained. However, this is not a bad thing, because some chapters need to show characters more than the plot. Was this why you don’t like the chapter? Because it’s not explaining much? Personally, I don’t think that that is an issue. Although, you could’ve included more to the story line considering that this is quite a short chapter. Up to you ;)

Wording and Pace:
Like I said before, this chapter flowed quite well. You’ve used some interesting words, remember that the thesaurus is your best friend. (I tell everyone this). Your dialogue seems very natural, keep at it. If you’re needing help with dialogue, PM me and I’ll link you to some great articles. Most of the description is very good because you show and don’t tell. Keep at it!

PM me with the next chapter please!
Note: Maybe people have stopped reviewing because you post un-regularly. PM your past reviewers of previous chapters and tell them you’ve got the latest chapter. I’m sure they’ll be thrilled.

I hope I helped!
~Tamara :) x
Someone told me there's a girl out there, with love in her eyes and flowers, in her hair.
  








Proud people breed sad sorrows for themselves.
— Emily Bronte, Wuthering Heights