Young Writers Society

[deleted at author's request]

Ok Writer, i see that you have potential of writing something "good". When i read the start i realized it was amazing unlike a lot of starting of stories i have read here this one was very good as it makes you read more.
However once you read through you seem to get disappointed, don't get me wrong but there are some wrong things in here like you say in the start that every thing is the same but later you say that it was much advanced. You could have said not every thing has changed or not much has changed to fill the connection.
The plot was good for the first chapter, but every ting was too short and precise you need to elaborate if you want to write a novel.

I would recommend a re-write,

Hope i helped
and remember to stay motivated.
Yours Truly
- Alexx

p.s in no means is this is to offend you ill be reading all your works, keep it up!

Thank you. I see what you mean about the advanced thing. I edited it, thanks again!

Hey there! I'm fairly new here so please bear with me and this will be the first time I’ve review a short story. Also, please take note that everything I say is entirely constructive criticism. Believe me, the last thing I want to do is offend a fellow writer.

I’m enjoying the storyline so far but there is room for improvement. Firstly, let me say that I was really drawn in by the first paragraph but onwards I was left slightly confused. For instance, did Alexandra already know Zorand? I got the feeling that they were already acquainted when she didn’t hesitate to follow him... or maybe that’s just me. Personally, I think some more description could be added beforehand to help the reader grasp a better understanding of the characters, the landscape where the story is set and why they were chosen for the task.Why are we at war in the future? Why have we become slaves? Why hasn't anything changed? Giving a history is an important key in creating depth; it can envelope the reader into the story.

In my opinion, the story so far is looking exicting but very concise. As Alexx said, it needs to be a bit more elaborated. Other than that, I look foward to reading the next chapter!

Don't let critics discourage you,
Welldone and goodluck in the future!
- Error404

Thank you! I was trying to work in the descriptions of the four, before. I will take your questions in consideration and try to answer them in the story. Thank you!

Hello! I will review to the best of my ability for you. Corrections are in red.

MidnightWriter wrote:This is something I've had in mind for awhile, but I haven't got a chance to write it. I hope you enjoy it & please be kind.

Chapter One
It is the year 2271. Reader, you may think this time period looks completely different from yours, but I assure you, nothing has changed. No flying cars or teleportation, those are stereotypes of man No space herekind's dreams. The landscape of the world you used to call home,No comma needed is still the same. Nothing has changed. Would you like to hear the story of the kids who went through it all? We're going back to 2010.


It was a normal day, just like any other. Until the storm, that is. My friends and I, no commawere different. We knew things that others didn't and it had always been that way. I guess we were different for other reasons as well, but those should go unnamed.
We didn't different, or at least that's what I think. the word "weren't" should go there.I have slighty, no comma curly brown hair, forest green eyes, and freckles. My friends looked some no spacewhat like me, which was quite odd. Looks to us didn't matter, they didn't need too. We just needed to have our questions asked. School was extremely boring that day, until we got a suprise.

We were sitting in class when we all heard a loud crash. Not everyone, just my friends and I. It was thundering and lightening, Do you see how this sounds a bit weird? Maybe you could say "It was thundering with the occasional flash of lightning" or something. so we thought it was nothing more than a storm. Until,no comma a large creature walked in. No one could see it, but when it spoke the class knew we weren't alone.


"Alexandra Bright, Savanna Fowler, Bryan White, and Zac Lyons." The voice called.
"What do you want from t-t-them?" My teacher stammered.
"They must come with us."
"Okay, come on." I said to Savanna, Bryan, and Zac. Could you give us a description of how your character is feeling, or what she is thinking here?

I could tell is not needed they hesitated, but they got up and followed me to the creature. He was tall & just put "and" here dressed in black. I couldn't tell if he was human or not, but that didn't matter. He took us outside and showed us where to go. By the look in his forest green eyes, I knew something was wrong.

"What's your name?" Bryan asked.
"Zorand," He replied. "Please, don't be afraid of me."
"We won't, we just need an explanation."

Zorand paused and then stared at me. At that moment, I was sure I knew the answer. I ran my fingers through my brown hair and sighed. I had to tell them. I really didn't want to but the pleading look in Zorand's eyes forced me too. to

"I guess we're the chosen ones. We all said ourselves we could see things." I paused. "It makes sense. If you see the look in Zorand's eyes, something is wrong."
"Alexandra, that's correct. I cannot explain more here." Zorand whispered "Get in."

My friends were terrified, but I was ready for adventure and danger. Almost at the blink of an eye, we arrived at our destination. We got out and looked around. It had to be way past 2010 and I was right. Life seemed to be easy here, but everyone had a sad and scared expression. It was morning here, the scenery was beautiful. Zorand wouldn't have brought us here if everything was fine.
"So, what's wrong?" I asked.
"Wars. We are slaves, here." Zorand said "We need you guys to stop this period from happening so when I return home, humans and creatures will live in peace. No one will rule."
"Okay, but we're only teens. How can we stop a whole thing from happening.question mark here Not even the advanced adults could stop this war."
"You shall see." Zorand said.

We weren't sure what this meant or why. Following Zorand's rules and conditions were all we could do. He wrote them down on a piece of ripped, yellow paper.
Once we begin, no going back.
No telling anyone what happens.
When you go back, you can't share the secrets of time periods to come.
DO NOT TELL ANYONE YOUR IDENTITY.

I agreed to all four, understanding only three. Why would it matter if people knew our names? I thought. This seemed to be the most important, so I did not question Zorand. I wasn't sure if I should trust him or if this was even real. Was I dreaming? No, I was to real. Where would I come up with all this? I'm not crazy--- or am I?

Sorry for getting nit picky. I am sort of a grammar nazi
I thought this was a great start overall! It sounds very interesting, and I'd like to read the rest.
One thing I would have to say is that you should add more detail of what your MC is thinking or feeling. I get that she is somewhat fearless, therefore she is not as freaked out as her friends, but you should include some sort of description.
Also, some parts went a little fast, like when Zorand showed up in the classroom. I would say to just slow it down a little bit and take your time.
Other than those things, I believe this is the beginning to a great adventure story! Could you PM me when you put more up? I'll be happy to review

Bella

Haha, grammar nazi. Thanks! Silly mistakes I made... I'll fix them soon. I'll probably post more later!

Hey there!

This is very interesting. I'm excited to see what will happen after you edit and rewrite this. As is, this is more of a skeleton. I hope I can help you rewrite it so that it gains some meat, bones, and muscle.

Quotes 'N' Comments

Until the storm, that is.

Hmm... you mention a storm, and then you don't do anything about that storm. In this story, you mention things a lot one time, but don't expand on them. That is why this is a skeleton. If you mention that there is a storm, us as readers are going to think it's important and automatically remember it. This is why you need to either 1. expand on the storm idea or 2. delete it out.

This also applies to how you called the thing who takes them to the new time a creature, even though you expand to give him human qualities. It applies to how you describe the land, in two sentences. Also how you describe the friends and how they get to the land. All of it is bland, but I'll expand on some of those later.

"Okay, come on." I said to Savanna, Bryan, and Zac.

This is really bad. It makes your character seem stupid, immature and boring. If a weird alien creature looking thing came into your class and summoned you and two other creatures, wouldn't you be scared? I would. You need a real reason why she says it all casually, or you need to readdress this.

couldn't tell if he was human or not, but that didn't matter.

Creature -> human -> it doesn't matter. Yes it does matter. I don't know why you say this. Is it because you don't know how to describe him? We really need to know what he looks like to get a picture of what these futuristic people look like. I mean, all I vision now when I think of your story is a blank piece of paper. Not good.

Characters

Your characters are very bland. I've already talked about the man above, so you know you need to expand on this. I like his personality so far, but you do need to expand on your idea. Anyways, moving on to your other three characters. Like the first thing I mentioned above, you say that they have some sort of magical ability, but you only say it once. This should be a main part of your novel. This magical power they have is the quality that defines your characters. That means that it needs to be the main focus before they move in to a different world.

I don't like the way you start. It's an opening that just leads you into this poorly written first chapter. If you started not in the action, it would be so much better. Start calmly, and build up to this scene, that way you can define your characters more. I think that there needs to be a part about their powers, how they got their powers, and how they discovered they all have the same power, before they head off to this new world.

Plot

As I said before, you just start in the wrong place here. This chapter alone should be split into three separate chapters. You should have one about how the creature/man comes, one about how he convinces them to come, and what the journey to the future is like, and third about the new world. There is too much crammed in here, and it's so short because you describe nothing, hence the skeleton. This is good for a rough draft. It's good that you got your ideas down on paper. Now before writing chapter two, you need to go on and add details in and expand on this idea. It will make it a whole lot less confusing, and a whole lot more interesting.

I think you have an interesting idea here. One of the things that bugs me about writers on YWS is that they feel like they have to explain what their story is about before we read it. You do the same, your italics before the story starts. You need to not do this. You need to, instead, spend time making sure we know what you're talking about with no explanation. If this were a published work, you would not be able to explain what's going on before people read it. Treat the stories you post on YWS like a published work.

You're a good writer, just make your skeleton into a human.

Keep writing,

Classy