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Foretold (Chapter 2)



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Sat Nov 06, 2010 1:53 pm
aweqs says...



Chapter 2 -Born

I was a mile out from the city; I had my back to the huge spotlights. A snowstorm was raging, and I was attempting to think. The sky was dark and starry. Freezing air whipped round my face, but I was too deep in thought to notice. My boots were sinking deeper into the thick, fluffy snow, as I stood perfectly still in the white landscape. Was this the only way we could live? In a cold emotionless world?

Of course.

There was no other way. No one could run. No one could hide. No one cares or can be bothered about the way we live.

Population was kept in perfect numbers. Everyone is born in seasons.

Season 1, Season 2, Season 3, Season 4. When one generation of a Season is born, the other one dies. 240 people. Always. Perfectly controlled.

There must be a way… A way to save my child. I’d risked this outing, away from heavily pregnant Karina, to try and figure out a solution to my baby’s damned future.

I hadn’t thought of anything yet.

We could run, but where too? This god-forsaken planet is empty, apart from the tiny little village in which everyone lived. Claustrophobia overwhelmed me, and I choked on my breath.

I had to get back to Karina- whenever I was around her, these bad feelings faded away. I turned around, jumped out of the little hole, which my boots had dug for themselves, and started walking back to the village.

When Karina touches me, my feelings disappear... The only explanation for this, I could think of, was:


She took them for herself.




She took the emotions, but could only feel them for millionth of a second, and then they disappeared. I’d only caught her feeling twice.

The first was frustration. I was fretting about the baby’s future once again, irritated with myself for not being able to think of anything. She once again cupped her hands round my chin and the feeling flew out of me, leaving me blank and emotionless. She was facing me and I had caught that second of sentiment, of emotion and I knew that her expression mirrored mine exactly, before she’d taken my feelings.

The second time was last night. Karina was having a contraction. Collapsed on the floor, she twisted, heaved and groaned in pain. And I was helpless. Painkillers wouldn’t have worked quickly enough - her fit would have been over before they finally kicked in.

I couldn’t comfort her, obviously. I couldn’t bear to watch her in such agony, so I walked out the room, cringing. Leaving her obviously wasn’t the nicest thing to do, but knowing I couldn’t do anything about it was almost worse. I could still hear her moaning and whimpering in the bedroom, so I blocked my ears with my fingers and closed my eyes.

I entered my dream world; the world in my head, where everything was right. Smiling, happy faces all around me. Sad, angry and pained faces too. But I didn’t care what they were feeling, because for once I was truly content.


I felt the same love for the people that I felt for Karina and our baby.

And they felt the same way back.

I was so caught up in my dream that I hadn’t realized Karina’s fit was over.

I was so caught up in my dream, that I hadn’t realized she had entered the room.

I was so caught up in my dream, that I didn’t realize her approaching me until her slightly sweaty, shaking hands were stroking my face. Then, suddenly, they weren’t shaking. They were stroking me steadily and I could feel her, hear her emotions.

And then she was kissing. We were kissing. For once, she could feel the love I felt for her, and was taking it from me. But I didn’t go blank. The emotions were so strong, as soon as she took them, I replaced them.

That was the first and last time she ever felt anything for me.



By now, I had reached the edge of the town. The storm had died down and there was only a light wind blowing through the streets. Few people were around. I found myself taking the long route home, the route that passed by my favourite bookshop. This thought made me take my wallet out of my black coat's deep pocket. I opened it and rooted around in the old receipts and 1 and 2 pennies. I found a 10 pound note and 62 pence. That would be enough for a new book.

I was turning onto Desaphé Lane. This was the old town-shopping district. It was deserted, like always. All the shops were old and dusty, many of them closed down. The wind whistled through the ancient street, creating an eerie and mysterious atmosphere. Instinctively, I wrapped my coat tighter around me and hunched up my shoulders, even though there was nothing to be scared of.


But I was still wary.


Wary of every shadow.

Wary of every dusty glass window, which you couldn’t see into but anyone could be staring out off. I shuddered and walked quickly down the quiet road. Anthony’s Bookstore was at the bottom of lane, cutting it off into a dead end. Like the rest of the shops, it was old, derelict, and barely running. They never had any new stock, unlike the new bookstores in new town, which replaced their stock so frequently; you hardly ever got to find a good book. The windows had a thin layer off grime, which would build up and up until Anthony gave it a thorough wipe.

Anthony was a frail, small old man, with a long white beard, drooping eyelids and the most wrinkled face I had ever seen. I imagined he must know a lot, but of course, he kept his sentences to the minimum, showing no interest in anything. I expect he was in the fourth season ...he’ll be taken soon.
Like I said, 240 people always. Every 20 years, one season is moved into the next one e.g. season one would move into season 2. Karina and I had just moved into Season 2, whilst she was pregnant.
I was outside the shop now. I stood outside for the while, looking at the old sign just above the window. I sighed, and watched the steam billow out of my mouth and waft up into the air in front of me. I swivelled on my heel to face the door and walked into the hot, musty room.
Books were piled and stacked in no particular order, up the walls. I had to duck, to avoid hitting my head on the wooden beams on the ceiling. Dust layered the top of the books, drifting off into the air whenever it stirred. The shelves themselves were made of wood, originally polished and varnished to perfection, but now they were also rotting and showing their age.

This was the shop where I got my first Dictionary. Actually, this is the only shop I have ever got a book from. In the new shops, they only sell new dictionaries. These dictionaries don't have the words that I want, which I need.
The feeling words. Before I found this shop, I was a frustrated, angry and scared young boy. I didn't know what was wrong with me, why I was different. Everyone else was blank, or as I used to describe them 'normal'. This shop has the oldest books ever. Some of them dated back to the 21st century! The people in these books were like me! Their dictionaries were the ones I needed. They had thousands of emotion words, which descriptions fitted exactly how I was feeling at that moment. I matched up each word with that feeling, and soon I was fluent in the language of Emotion.

Although I thought I had routed through the whole store, I always managed to find a dark little corner with a new title or author that I hadn't heard of before. I'd spend hours sitting in one of the stiff, wooden chairs, reading. But today, I was only here to find something to read at home, maybe to read to my child.
I walked up to the desk, where Anthony was standing, still and blank.
"Hello, Anthony" I said cautiously, though there was no need to be cautious. There always seems to be some kind of uneasy aurora around this old man.
"Hello, Torin" He answered me. Though his voice was much deeper and raspier than Karina’s, they shared exactly the same blank tone. The same tone as everyone.
"Any new stock?" I asked, cheerily. I already knew the answer. I doubt if Anthony ever stepped outside of that building, or owned a phone.
"No." he rasped, staring into my eyes. They all did that. It made me uncomfortable. As if there was something wrong with my eyes. I looked away from his gaze and shrugged off into a corner. I squatted down to look at some lower shelves. The smell of rot overwhelmed me as I moved an ancient book out of the bookshelf. I think I saw something scuttle away into a hole, behind the wall.
I cringed away, standing up too quickly and banging my head on a beam. In a state of head rush, I tilted and leaned into some old shelves. They had just about held my weight, creaking as they did so. I squatted, putting my head between my knees and breathed rhythmically. When the rush faded away, I stood up slowly, careful this time to stay slightly stooped so not to bang my head again.

I observed the book that I had picked up. The cover was so coated in dust; I had to wipe it off to see the front cover. It was a rich red made from a smooth material, but had obviously become rougher with age. There wasn't a title. I opened up the book and a rush of dust flew at me. My eyes watered and I had a coughing fit. My nose wrinkled up against the overwhelming smell of age and rejection. I was looking inside to find out what the title was. That page was blank too. How strange. Then I turned onto the net page and was startled. The strangest symbols were scribbled all over the page. I didn't recognize any of them, but still I was intrigued. I flicked through the rest of the book. The same scribbles were on every page.
I looked carefully at the strange symbols and began to work out the words. It was in Old English. The first page read:


North America, February 15th 3000
I am writing this journal to record the happenings of the Millennium Disaster. The Sun has died. Snow has already covered the whole world, freezing lakes, rivers and even the sea! There are only a few survivors, Most of us living us in the highest cold regions of America. It’s colder than ever, and we are surely not to survive. Our houses are buried underneath the snow, it’s THAT thick- we have to keep moving or we will suffer the same fate. We haven’t slept since the snow started, and our lack of sleep is running us down. I know that the amount of deaths have been immense. I expect the population of humans on Earth is probably less than a million...Maybe we will be saved by something, but I severely doubt it. Depression has sunk into all of our souls and this makes it even harder to keep up our constant travelling... We all feel like just laying down, and letting the glacial temperatures freeze us, and letting the snow cover us entirely... But we have to keep on; we will be the survivors, the ignitors of new life on earth. However, how we will do this is impossible to see...

I flipped though the old pages, scanning the words, feeling this ancestor's pain. The pages told of their eternal treck through the newly freezing world-some days better than others, but always a struggle. About 6 pages in, they met some other weary travellers, who told them rumours of what, I assume, must be the soul suckers. However, the page that really caught my attention was this;

North America, February 21st 3000

Today we met more survivors like ourselves. We think there are more than we thought. They are heading north, to the mountains. They urged us to come with them, to start a salvation camp. Maria was keen, and I thought, what other choice do we have? We are probably going to die wherever we go, so I'll humour these expoditioners. We set off tomorrow, towards the distant mountains... And if we do get there, maybe we will start a new race, maybe we will survive. It might be all right...

My heart was pumping so fast as I read that short entry. A salvation? A camp, untouched by the soul suckers? A haven where my doomed child and me could leave and be happy? There was somewhere to go! This little farm of the soul suckers was not the whole extent of the human race!
I sat panting, be founded by my revelation.
Then suddenly, I felt like I shouldn't be there, Like I should be somewhere else, like I was needed somewhere else. I thought of Karina and her contraction last night, and I knew I was supposed to be with her. I quickly rushed to the desk, and got out my wallet. I could feel that I didn't have time to ask the price, so I just threw the 10 pounds at him. I didn't ask for change, though I'm sure I had given too much for this strange, ancient diary.
I ran out of the shop and hastily walked round to the side of it. The storm was in full throttle now, blowing and screaming in the air. In the shop, it’s like time is stopped, stuck in a world of its own, not affected by anything outside of it.
Coincidentally, and fortunately, to the side of the old bookstore, there was small, passage way, which led out to the Season 2 apartment area. The passageway was stuck between two blocks of flats, and the walls seemed to stretch on forever, emphasizing the narrowness of the little path. The walls were made out of old brick, which were wearing badly against the harsh weather. They were rotting away and falling apart. The walls kept the current strong winds out, so the air was only stirring slightly. I huddled through the dark, damp alleyway and appeared in the open. I was startled by the strength of the wind and almost feel over it was so ferocious. I ran, staggered against the wind, towards my block of flats. I pushed the door, as always, then remembered you opened it by pulling. Now, irritated with myself I flung open the door, and charged inside. I flew up the stairs, taking two at a time and stopped outside my door.
I could hear screaming inside.
Karina.
I fuddled about with my keys, yelling "ITS OK! DON'T WORRY! ILL BE IN THERE!" and finally managed to slip the key into the lock.
I rushed into the living room, where I the screaming was coming from. And there she was writhing around on the floor, face etched with pain. She was lying in a pool of blood.
Her blood. She had only a t-shirt on, which was also blood stained. I ran to her side, trying to comfort her.
Karina screeched eyes wide and mouth open gasping for air. I knew what was happening, I knew what to do. Karina moaned. I couldn't bear to see her in such pain. My feelings for my growing child suddenly changed.

I had to get it out of her.

The whole nine months, in which Karina was pregnant, I had been waiting in anticipation for my child to emerge into the world. But then, when the moment came, seeing her rive and twist in agony, I didn't want it. At that moment in time, I didn't want the child. I didn't want my love to be in this pain. I’d rather her healthy, than this pain-inflicting stranger.
The suddenly, Karina’s eyes bulged out and she groaned, such an agonizing and pain filled groan, I knew something had happened.
Then I saw a very still, very red body by her legs.
But something was wrong. There was no new gasp of breath, no first cry of a lifetime.

Yes, something was very wrong.
Last edited by aweqs on Wed Dec 29, 2010 6:00 pm, edited 6 times in total.

/Isha:/= To be honest, we are talking about mostly nothing which in its own essence is something. But somethingness can't be nothing if there isn't nothing in the first place. So really, we're talking about meaningly somethingness that's technically caused by nothingness.


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Tue Nov 09, 2010 11:00 pm
xXTheBlackSheepXx says...



Hello again :) I'm back for chapter two!

irritated with myself for not being able to think of any thing.

anything- one word.
I couldn’t bear to watch her in such agony, so I walked out the room, cringing. I could still hear her moaning and whimpering in the bedroom, so I blocked my ears with my fingers and closed my eyes.

I'm not trying to sound mean here, but this doesn't do anything good for Torin's character. He couldn't stand the sound of his 'love' in pain, so he left the room and plugged his ears, leaving her all alone to deal with the contraction by herself. He could've at least stood with her, held her, whatever. Not just up and leave! It doesn't seem like he cares for her at all.

I entered my dream world. Smiling, happy faces all around me. Sad, angry and pained faces too. But I didn’t care what they were feeling, because for once I was truly content.

I'm confused about this dream world.

I found myself taking the long route home, the route that passed by my favourite bookshop.

Wait, what? Are we still in Torin's world? Why is there a bookshop?

black coats deep pocket

black coat's

This was old town shopping area.

This sentence is lacking somewhere. What are you trying to say?

even though there was nothing be scared off.

scared of.

It, like the rest of the shops, was old and derelict, and was barely running.

This could be rephrased better.
Like the rest of the shops, it was old, derelict, and barely running.

Like I said, 240 people always. Every 20 years, one season is moved into the next one e.g. season one would move into season 2. Me and Karina had just moved into Season 2, whilst she was pregnant.

Alright, so we are still in Torin's point of view. The bookstore confused me. You seem to have jumped back and forth in time three different times in this chapter. It's very confusing.
"No." he rasped, staring into my eyes. They all did that. It made me uncomfortable. As if there was something wrong with my eyes.

I like this bit very much. It shows Torin is questioning whether it's HIM that's the wrong one. It's a very human thing to do.

I bent forward, putting my head between my knees and breathed rhythmically.

Now THIS is a very awkward position. Just imagine yourself doing it, or try it yourself.
Also, if the head bang has nothing more to do with the story, I strongly suggest you delete it. You simply don't need it.
I expect the population of humans on Earth is probably less than a million...Maybe we will be saved by something, but I severly doubt it.


Alright, so now it's confirmed that the planet is Earth. Scientifically, our sun is not a super giant, so it is impossible for it to blow up. However, our sun will grow hotter and in about a billion years Earth will not be a very pleasant place to live.

feeling this ancestors pain

ancestor's

I had to get it out of her.

Referring to his child as an 'it' is kind of jarring.

But then, when the moment came,seeing her rive and twist in agony, I didn't want it. I didn't want the child, I didn't want my love to be in this pain.I'd rather her healthy, than this pain inflicting stranger.

Oh no! Suddenly, the father doesn't want the baby? After all this time he was feeling love for it, and suddenly he feels anger. It doesn't make sense!

And now I suppose the child, and the mother have died. How sad :(
Alright, so first I'd like to say how confusing it was to be switch back and forth the way you did. It seems like it would be so much easier to just write it all straight, and not have three separate sections to this chapter.
Second, I'm beginning to not like your main character. He has shone no signs of love for his child, or the woman he got preggo. Leaving the room while she was crying in pain, and then detesting the child for something it couldn't even help. It's cruel.

Well, this story has grabbed my interest, so I'll be seeing you for chapter 3.
The bad news is we don't have any control.
The good news is we can't make any mistakes.
-Chuck Palahniuk
  





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Sat Dec 18, 2010 10:03 am
MiaParamore says...



Hey Ava, me here again. I am so sorry for the hopeless review last time. But I'll try making up for it.

I was a mile away from the village, my back to the huge spotlights, standing in a snowstorm, thinking.
This sentence is clattered. I mean so many things are happening in this piece and this makes my head go wooooohhh. Like it's confusing sometimes to have so much in a sentence and then there's so much happening here. It's moreover weird since it's the opening line and having so much would be strange. Like, standing in the snowstorm part could have been fitted somewhere before or if not, then the word 'thinking' should surely not been here.

A way to save my child. I’d risked this outing , away from heavily pregnant Karina, to try and figure out a solution to my baby’s damned future.
Heavily?

Claustrophobia overwhelmed me, and I choked on my breath.
I understand what he means by this and in a way this is enough to convey what you have to say, but on the other side if we look, I feel that there could have been more here. How exactly he feels? When or if I am going to be in such a situation, I am going to feel quite miserable, with my heart being blocked or all this stuff. So whatever you write for him, in terms of feelings would indirectly also show the world or glimpses of it.

Though his voice was much deeper and raspier than Karina's, they shared exactly the same blank tone.


But we have to keep on, we will be the survivors, the ignitiors of new life on the earth.


A haven where me and my new(soon to be born) child could leave and be happy?


There was some confusion for me in the chapter name. Like earlier you had given chapter the name of the character, and when you wrote Born here then I thought it is some person with this name whose POV you have here. But I guess that wasn't the case. So if you're going by single POV, then I suggest you not to write his name in the beginning since we do that only when we have more than one POV. Okay, enough of my weirdness. My problem here would be that I know your character feels miserable, but that is because of some words here and there, and small description of his emotions, but in the first part, the one before, wherein he is walking, could have done two things. One scene could have showed us two things, two most important things:
1. His emotions:What of them? I know he feels miserable, helpless and all. But tell us more. Right now, I am also not sure what or who exactly he is and why he has the power to feel emotions even though others can't. Just let us know that. In this scene, while he thinks of a way to hide his family, you'd in turn develop him as a person or as a character emotionally.
2. The setting:Okay, I am in love with the area being snow-bound. You have told and given us the descriptions, too. But for now, I'd also like to see the infrastructure. Is there anything which can be called as that or only vast land of snow? I am not sure if you'd agree with me but this is an important aspect of the story. I would like to know what people do for living and how all they manage.

Okay, so this seriously has great potential. I have read or watched many Sci-fiction movies or books about the world being destroyed completely and they all are my attention seekers, but this is all the more intriguing since it shows how the world would look like once we've suffered that loss. That there could be life after that troublesome period. Perfect idea. There are many grammar mistakes here and there, and I had tried ignoring them but then I couldn't and I have brought some out in your notice but there were many more. First of all I think you're not aware of the concept of the apostrophes. They hold a great importance in our writing and you always miss them out. Like have not can be written in a short form which is haven't.But you just miss out on the apostrophe, which is not pleasant to read. Even though while reading we can easily make out the difference, but still we need to be shown a perfect picture. Just go on some site and read all about this thing since you very much need help with them. Secondly, you should post your work in 'Story' format. It would be better to post like that since it looks neater and less big for the reviewers. If you don't know about it, then PM me and I'll tell you. But make sure your stories have that format. Another thing I noticed was your confusion between 'to' and 'too'. There was a place where you should have used to but you ended up using 'too'. So here's the difference between the two:
To is a function word, either an adverb or a preposition. e.g. go to, hold on to, take to, drink to, to the north, five to ten,
Too is a quantitive word= besides, in addition to. e.g. The dog came too, Too many. Sell the stereo and the CDs too.

Now on the plot, you have made many things clear here and as Black said I too felt that the father feeling this in the last was quite off the path, but then I understood his feelings. But instead of having the feeling of not having the child at all, you could have gone or stuck with the idea of him being restless to gt the child out and end this for his wife soon. Okay, now my next question: you once said that Karina had been given to him by Soulsuckers, in a sense that they make pairs. How? Why? The next question had been raised in the last chapter, too, and I am going to say it once again-who are these soul suckers? Are they the ones from the other pink like species we were introduced to in the last chapter? We need to know and we can't be expected to accept the brutalities of this group until we(readers) don't have an idea who they are. Other thing would be your obsession with the word 'overwhelming'. The word had been used thrice in the chapter, and mostly for the same reason. So try to use different words, not necessarily magnificent or large, but even small words would do. My other and the most important nit-pick would be to show more of the world around him-how it looks, how people function. Maybe it's too early but maybe you could go with it right now. So don't miss it. Don't give us long sketches and all, but little bit would be nice. I must say that I really like the novelty between the new and old dictionary. It was quite nice.

Grammar and small mistakes(which I might be exaggerating) aside, this piece was quite nice and I am really intrigued to know what is going to become of the kid. Is he going to survive or not? Post in my WRFF thread when you need more.

~Shubhi
"Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

— Paramore
  








I tell the neophyte: Write a million words–the absolute best you can write, then throw it all away and bravely turn your back on what you have written. At that point, you’re ready to begin.
— David Eddings