Young Writers Society

This is the first of several sections of my prologue from my novel, Impulse. The setting resides in a mid-apocalyptic world, where constant use of Earth's resources have left the world dry and barren. Any comments or tips are greatly appreciated.




It's kind of funny. Man has always wanted, but has never really worked to get. Man consumes until there is nothing left but the shell of what was and what had been. It's like an infant in a mothers womb, feeding and leeching off of another, while the only thing it offers in return is constant pain and suffering. Since the beginning of time men have fed on the three basic principles: take, use, and move on. Because of that choice, we have left the world torn, desolate, and drained of all esscence of anything you would call a home.

Now we struggle to survive, desperately clinging on to what we barely even have. It's such a shame though, haha; Mankind, at the tip of the biological empire now reverted back to its primal roots. We landed a man on the moon, we've conquered every continent and country on the globe, created cures to our most deadly diseases...only to turn into the very thing that we took thousands of years to progress from. Many people talk about war. Hahaha, what do you mean war? This is more devastating that any war we could ever imagine.

People have become savages, empty carcasses of what they use to be. Eat or be eaten, the hunter had become the hunted. Trust no one, target all is the only motivation that has kept me sane in this man-made hell. To survive you have to have wit, cunning, and most of all a total lack of fear. Too much weighing you down, especially in these dark days, will and can be fatal.

As for me, I'm taking this world for a ride. This is only the beginning, it only gets worse from here. And you know what...that makes it alot more fun. Hahahahaha.

Hey there Priz! (Can I call you Priz?) I'm here to give you a review since you don't have any so far.

First of all, since this is a part of a novel it should be in the novel section. Even though this idea is worn out, I can see that there is definetely potential. One think that bothers me about this piece is that when it says 'Hahaha' the few times it does it sort of detracts. It only seems that way to me because the first time I get that it's supposed to be cynical laughter. Then the second time it's like alright. Then the third time I'm thinking: isn't there a better way to do this?

I only found one type which was in this sentence:

It's such a shame though, haha; Mankind, at the tip of the biological empire now reverted back to its primal roots.

Either change the semicolon to a period or make the 'M' in Mankind lowercase.

Hope I helped.

Always,
~Danie

Hello there prism180.
This is an excellent, deep beginning. I loved the wise words behind it, and the build up with anticipation along with the suspense. It really makes me want more out of this. I did not like the part where you laughed though, I don't know; I thought it was not necessary. Good job though.

Hello prism180!
I like the idea you have here about mankind!! But there are a few things I want to point out

And you know what...that makes it alot more fun. Hahahahaha.

For instance, this line sounds odd. I would try using a better word than "a lot" unless you really are talking about making a lot fun.

It's kind of funny. Man has always wanted, but has never really worked to get.

You should start off with something other than "It's kind of funny" because readers don't know who or what "it" is.

As for me, I'm taking this world for a ride. This is only the beginning, it only gets worse from here.

I really like this line, it would work better as the last sentence because it leaves people pondering, you know?

Great idea though, I curious about the next chapter!
-Sodapoplunchbox

I like this beginning! It may be just because I like apocalyptic writing, but this seems very well-written.

The times you write out "hahaha" are generally awkward. I can understand the use of writing out "hahaha" because I often write it while texting, facebooking, or forum-ing, yet I am not sure whether it belongs in a book.