Young Writers Society

bunnie_i_am wrote:Slowly I sat up, holding my aching head. I felt as though it had been slammed against a rock twenty times, and the rest of me didn't feel much better. my arms were literally covered in bug bites, and a sharp pain filled my neck. I reached for the soar part and felt two more bug bites.

Where was I? I didn't live anywhere near a forest, and yet I was surround by trees. I didn't see anything familiar around me, and the last thing I remember was falling asleep at home...

I had nothing until the slight buzz of a phone filled my pocket, I didn't really understand this sentence. Did you mean heard instead of had? If so, edit. If not, clarify.but as I looked at it, I realized it wasn't mine and I didn't know the number that was calling me. I debated ignoring the unknown number, but I thought maybe who ever it was could help.

"Good mourning, Lyla. I'm glad to see you are awake." Who was Lyla? "As you most likely have realized by now, you are stranded in the Amazon Rain Forest." Um, no. "And there is venom running through out your veins, which will soon kill you." Not going to lie, I didn't get that one either. "Lucky you!" he chuckled as he said this. "You have been selected to play in this age old game that you have never heard of, but don't let that bring you down!" Like learning I could die hadn't already? "There is a way out of your fate, but no one in over five hundred years of playing has." Oh what joy. "But you see, I am a vampire, and I want you dead." Have I gone crazy?"But please, don't take it personally, I just want to win." Too late, creeper. That part really made me laugh! Though that probably has to do with the many inside jokes me and my friends have about creepers.... "My enemies, the werewolves, want you to live. They would like to win as well." Yep, I'm definitely crazy. "You see, the winner controls the next game, and if they win, there will not be one." And that's a bad thing? "So, I must win, or my kind will kill me." Yeah, so just kill me instead. "Like I said before, it's nothing personal. Bye." Click.

I liked all of her little comments in between. The only thing wrong with that I think is the paragraph length. It's really long. Maybe start a new one every time or so the guy talks. It will make it easier to see what are her comments and his talking. Right now it's hard to tell because the quotations marks are close to both.

"What the hell?" I screamed, spinning, look for anything, but like before, finding nothing.

The phone buzzed once more.

"Hi, you must be Lyla. I'm Ryan, and I promise, I'm not trying to kill you," he chuckled slightly, as if it was funny.

"My name isn't Lyla," was all I said.

He chuckled again. "It never is. Makes me want to know more. Nice.Anyways, there is a vaccine you need to stop the venom, but you must find it within the forest, in less then 72 hours. Do you understand?"

"Um... I wouldn't make her hesitate so much, because she does go on to yell at him. Or if she does hesitate, I wouldn't have all the exclamation points. At least not right away. I woke up in a rain forest! I don't understand anything that's going on today! I'm pretty sure I'm going crazy, and you think I understand? I've been told that both vampires and werewolves are really, and you think it makes since to me?"

"Riley, please, just breathe." I know that voice! "We will get you through this, I promise. We will win this time." Who was that?

"How do you know my name?" Please, please tell me!

"Lucky guess." I hate liars. "I'll tell you after we win."

Holy shit! "You're not Ryan, you're-" Click. "Dillion."

bunnie_i_am wrote:Slowly I sat up, Poor way to start, it's the horrible ly word "slowly". holding my aching head. I felt as though it had been slammed against a rock twenty times, and the rest of me didn't feel much better. my arms were literally Why literally? There is no reason for us to doubt this, so delete "literally". covered in bug bites, and a sharp pain filled my neck I personally believe this is a poor way to describe somebody feeling pain in their neck. Filled? No way. Reword that. I reached for the soar part and felt two more bug Word "bug" is redundant, we know this already. bites.

Where was I? I didn't live anywhere near a forest, and yet I was surround by trees. I didn't see anything familiar around me, and the last thing I remember was falling asleep at home... No way. I don't care how much those bites are stinging, if you wake up in a forest, you're noticing the forest first. Perhaps you could reword this and use it as a beginning, hmm? It would be a nice hook.

I had nothing until the slight buzz of a phone filled my pocket, Huh? but as I looked at it, I realized it wasn't mine The phone teleported into her hand? and I didn't know the number that was calling me. I debated ignoring the unknown number, but I thought maybe who ever it was could help.

"Good mourning, *morning Lyla. I'm glad to see you are awake." Who was Lyla? That is obvious, and ruins the dialog. "As you most likely have realized by now, you are stranded in the Amazon Rain Forest." This girl doesn't seem that observant, actually. It's not like she has google maps, either. I don't think she would realize that. Um, no. Again, this ruined the dialog. "And there is venom running through out your veins, which will soon kill you." Not going to lie, I didn't get that one either. This isn't a complete sentence, and also ruins the dialog. "Lucky you!" he chuckled as he said this. "You have been selected to play in this age old game that you have never heard of, but don't let that bring you down!" Like learning I could die hadn't already? "There is a way out of your fate,Meh, I tend to avoid this f word. It's just plain wrong.but no one in over five hundred years of playing has." Oh what joy. "but you see, I am a vampire, Oh, that was an odd surprise. This didn't even seem vampire-esque. I'm not sure if I like that. and I want you dead." Have I gone crazy?"But please, don't take it personally, I just want to win." To late, creeper. "My enemies, the werewolves, want you to live, they would like to win as well." Yep, I'm definitely crazy. "You see, the winner controls the next game, and if they win, there will not be one." What? So if she wins, there isn't a game to control, then, so why say that? And that's a bad thing? "So, I must win, or my kind will kill me." Yeah, so just kill me instead. "Like I said before, it's nothing personal. Bye." Click.

"What the hell?" I screamed, spinning, look for anything, but like before, finding nothing.

The phone buzzed once more.

"Hi, you must be Lyla. I'm Ryan, and I promise, I'm not trying to kill you," he chuckled slightly, as if it was funny.

"My name isn't Lyla," was all I said.

He chuckled again. "It never is. Anyways, there is a vaccine you need to stop the venom, but you must find it within the forest, in less then 72 hours. Do you understand?"

"Um... I woke up in a rain forest! I don't understand anything that's going on today! I'm pretty sure I'm going crazy, and you think I understand? I've been told that both vampires and werewolves are really, Real. To be honest, I didn't really think she was all that surprised. You need to show us how she felt about that in more detail. and you think it makes since to me?"

"Riley, please, just breathe." I know that voice! "We will get you through this, I promise. We will win this time." Who was that?

"How do you know my name?" Please, please tell me!

"Lucky guess." I hate liars. "I'll tell you after we win."

Holy shit! "You're not Ryan, you're-" Click. "Dillion."

silentpages wrote: They're really.... Really what? Mean? Fluffy? Mad at Stephanie Meyers?