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"Orion" Chapter 1



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Mon May 10, 2010 7:29 pm
Nemesis says...



Much was a-stir at the Galactic Transportation Agency (GTA) in the city of Elacora in the district of Pasadena. What caused such a commotion was the fact that the well-known scientist, Max Howell, just might be on the brink of a new discovery. The fact that nothing was known about Max’s discovery simply added to the already overwhelming excitement.

All the scientists of the GTA anticipated the day when Max would reveal his discovery. Questions, rumors, and guesses of what the discovery might be were to be heard practically anywhere, anytime. All of these questions and hopes remained unanswered for, and the tension and impatience grew at an alarming rate.

Then, like a match lighting a stream of gasoline, the word poured out. There was going to be a meeting the next day, and the speaker was none other than Max Howell. You might think that this bomb of information would bring relief and peace to the heart, that the mystery discovery would be revealed. On the contrary, this brought even more wondering, unrest, and impatience.

Max Howell was not an ordinary person. Not only was he considered the most brilliant scientist in the world, but there was a thing that separated him from being classified as a complete human. He had robotic eyes. What caused the accident nobody knew except Max, but everyone did remember the time when Max suddenly burst out of his private laboratory, his clothes smoking, and Max was groping around. His eyes were replaced with robotic eyes, and soon returned to experimenting. He never told anyone about what had happened in the lab. Max had requested that no one enter the lab, so no one did. Everyone knew something had gone terribly wrong, yet Max would not reveal that.

The auditorium where the meeting was to be held was a sight to see. It rested on top of a tall, steep cliff, and looked down on the city of Elacora. It was shaped like a circle, had glass panels all around, which provided an excellent view, and could be conveniently dimmed so that it could be easier to view the presentation screen. It was capable of seating around 8000 people, had a large, elaborate banquet hall, and had a museum that had many new technologies and also had several items from the distant past. Being in the auditorium was enough, but being there while the biggest secret of the decade might be finally revealed was simply a “have to be there” moment.

When the time finally arrived, the halls and entrances were crammed with people. There were so many people there that the seats in the auditorium were completely filled, and many had to go to gathering and meeting rooms where they could watch the meeting on a monitor.

When everyone was situated, and the time came for the program to start, the GTA president walked onto the stage and began the introduction. “Welcome everyone. I hope you are excited, because I’m excited. This is going to be quite an interesting day. As you all know Max has been privately researching…something. Today I think he just might reveal that secret of his, well, at least one of his secrets. So, without further hesitation, please give a warm welcome to our special speaker this afternoon, Max Howell!”

The crowd applauded the arrival of Max as he came onto the stage. The GTA president left the stage and Max kept quite for a couple seconds, his bionic eyes scanning the room as the crowd impatiently sucked up each second.

Max Howell was a strong, averagely built man with short, jet black hair. His face was many times deceiving, looking very gentle and naïve, but Max could be filled with energy and determination if he wished. His steps were never unsteady or off balance, but his powerful legs and feet could propel him with amazing speed, agility, and athleticism if needed.

At last Max began, “Throughout the past eight years, I have been studying, testing, and evaluating. Many of you have probably wondered if I was really going to finish my project. No doubt these have been very vigorous and stressful years, but I have finally uncovered the last bit of information. There could be several more years of researching to discover more means of using my discovery. I probably couldn’t have finished researching my discovery without all of you supporting me, and being so patient, and understanding.”

At that surprising remark the crowd clapped vigorously. At the end of the applauding, Max stepped away from the podium, and seemed to gather his thoughts, and began to talk again.

“In September of 2864, eight years ago, I was walking along Cliff Beach, studying and looking at different rocks. I climbed up a section of the cliff to reach what seemed to be a dull black rock. When I reached the rock, I pulled out my energy splitter gun in order to break up the rock.”

“After I succeeded in splitting the rock, I took an inner chunk of the black rock, and added it to my collection of rocks, shells, and other interesting items. When I got back to the lab later that day, I started testing and researching the different items I found. None seemed to interest me, or was a unique appearance of a common rock, save the black rock. It had different characteristics than any other rock I had ever seen.”

“As I researched it for the next two years, I came to learn that under certain circumstances, the Duranium, as I call it, can produce an amazing amount of energy. I decided that I should try to make that energy, and I could always turn off the reaction if situations went bad. So, one day I put the Duranium in a special reactor that I built for the job. When I started the reaction, the room quickly warmed up, and a light began penetrated through the reactor walls. When that light burst through the thick protection walls of the reactor, the room grew so hot and the light grew amazingly brighter. Soon I just couldn’t stand the intense heat and light so I backed away.

“I cowered down to the wall, but I realized that I should turn off the reactor to prevent the reactor from blowing up, and me being roasted alive. As I staggered to the control panel, I opened my eyes to try to find the sensor to shut off the reaction, but by now the light was so intense that I screamed and fell forward in agony. I felt has if the light had melted my eyeballs!”

“I can’t remember much after that but I stumbled out the door and was told that I succeeded in shutting off the reactor. I was brought to the Emergency Room where they did skin transplants on my burnt skin, and gave me bionic eyes so I could see again. I regained consciousness after two weeks, and another week after that I returned home.”

“Having endured that painful experience, I concluded that Duranium can, under certain circumstances, produce an enormous amount of energy. Having access to Duranium, we can then produce energy to make a more effective way of life. Transportation ships will carry more, travel faster, and reach higher levels of elevation. We will be able to reach new targets in space exploration, and bring in information for the medical field.”

At this point, Max noticed a strange looking person in the far back. He stared ever onward, never blinking, and looked ever so suspicious. Without taking much further notice, Max continued.

“If there is a need to have an army, we will be able to mass-produce high-powered laser weaponry and also produce powerful armor and shields. Using the newly discovered Black Energy technology, we will be able to store huge amounts of energy in small spaces, and not lose energy due to heat or light.

“You see, having discovered Duranium, we can have the confidence that we are moving into a brighter and better future. Thank you!”

The crowd applauded Max as he left the stage. Before he went entirely out of view, he looked back at the crowd. The suspicious man was gone. He thought it was just a weird guy, and Max wasn’t bothered any. The wide translucent doors of the amphitheater opened, and the crowd filed out of the stadium. Many tried to find Max, but it was useless trying to navigate in a sea of people. However the few lucky ones who saw Max asked curious questions like, “Has the Union Committee approved of Duranium mining”, or “The Union is in peace and has been for over four hundred years, so why threaten others with powerful armies?”

After several questions had been answered, and the crowd had diminished, Max headed for home. He walked to his modified Phantom J-1000 hover speeder in the GTA garage, and he roared off into the aerial highway that knifed its way through the city of Pasadena. As he glided out of the JPL garage, he had no idea that someone else had just finished a conference with someone very far away, and had been given a secret mission!

When Max sped into the highway, he noticed through his mirror that a long, thin speeder had sped out of the garage and soared up to the level where Max was flying. Soon the stranger was right behind Max. Max watched in fright when two little compartments opened on each side of the strange craft and four long barrels projected from the compartment. Through quick thinking Max pulled straight up and then leveled his speeder. Looking if his pursuer had followed him, he found that the stranger had indeed followed him.

Since Max had the smaller, more agile speeder he hoped that he would be able to out maneuver the stranger. Max came to an abrupt halt, turned the other way, and roared through a building tunnel. As Max steered through the other end of the tunnel, he saw that the other speeder was cruising after him. Before Max could find a place to speed into the sound of laser weaponry sounded, and soon after dodging a few bolts, a couple shots blasted through the right-side engines on Max’s speeder.

His speeder, now out of control dove downwards. But by skill, Max leveled the craft and skidded to a stop on a large, flat cargo transporter. Max pulled out a Duranium powered mind-controlled jet-pack, a helmet, a Duranium-powered laser blaster, and arm and leg protectors that also held some useful gadgets inside. He attached those on himself, climbed out of his speeder to see the strange speeder gliding to a halt on the cargo transporter. The strange person climbed out, and chucked a grenade at Max’s ship.

At this, Max flew off of the transporter and cruised into the highway. Looking back, Max noticed that the strange person was still pursuing him on his own jetpack, but the blast of the grenade, having blown up one of the transporter’s engines went out of control, twisted and dived until it finally exploded at the ground. In an effort to shake off his pursuer, Max twisted and dove down at the same time. As he dove down, he shut off the jetpack engines, so that he was in a free fall towards the busy suburb of Pasadena.

Suddenly Max released an electric grappling attachment out of a small compartment in his right arm protector. The attachment soared in front of him and attached to a building on his left. That caused him to speed around the corner of the building, and before he hit the building energy grippers appeared from the back of the arm and leg protectors. After he stuck to the wall of the building, he pulled out his Duranium-powered laser blaster, and waited for his pursuer to appear around the corner of the building. When the stranger finally did cruise around the building corner, Max was ready for him. He fired a couple of quick accurate shots, and the stranger, now apparently dead, careened into the side of a building and exploded.

That got Max thinking. If the stranger had been human, the explosion wouldn’t have been so large. If he was an android, the explosion would be larger than normal because of all the mechanical parts, and circuits. Therefore Max concluded that the stranger was an android spy, who had listened to his speech, and afterwards, the android discussed matters with his boss, and they decided that it was best to kill Max. But if the “bad guys” wanted the new technology on Duranium, they would have tried to kidnap Max instead of trying to kill him. Max really didn’t know the answer to that, so he thought that after he got home, he would report the threat to the Union committee and perhaps get an idea why the stranger wanted to kill Max.

Max released the attachment and the energy grippers and started up his jet pack once again. He cruised into the highway relieved that there was no one trailing him this time. After a couple minutes, when he was outside the city limits, he dove down and turned left toward home. After soaring above a couple bio-domes, he approached a large house that sat on a small hill, and overlooked a lake.

The house had many interesting features. Around the hill opposite the lake there were several connected rooms, and facing the lake, a long room reached out, and had a balcony where on could rest, and enjoy the lakeside view. On top of the saucer like house there stood a dome. As Max reached the house, he stopped his jetpack, and landed in-front of the elaborate arched doorway.

“Why didn’t you come home in your speeder?” Lobelia, Max’s wife asked. “Why do you have your special emergency suit on? Was there an accident? Are you alright?”

“Yes I’m alright, but there was a strange person following me. When he started to shoot at me with his guns, I jumped into my suit and escaped before he blew up my speeder with a grenade. He followed me around, trying to get to me, but I tricked him, and he is dead now. I believe he was an android specializing in hunt and kill missions. I don’t know who would try to kill me, but tomorrow morning I’m going to talk to the committee. Maybe they will find a way to deal with this, and find the imposter behind all this.”

“Ok, good. I want this criminal brought to justice. There should be no one threatening and killing innocent people in this city. Well, the food’s on the table, and we had better call in the boys to eat.”

After dinner Max had to tell another account of the adventure that day to his two sons, 8 year-old John, and 11 year-old Bruce. The boys were totally excited, being of their father’s liking for excitement. When the boys went upstairs to go to their rooms, they were acting out some of the moves that Max described to the boys.

The next day Max headed for the Pasadena District Headquarters. All of the districts had a conference room and could talk by holograms to senators in other cities. Once every year, however, senators from all the districts go to a special conference in the World Union Headquarters in Euchara. There the senators can read reports and plan the future of the World Union.

The Pasadena HQ building was broad at the bottom, and then twisted upwards, getting narrower as the building rose in height. At the top of the spiraling building, the tip peeled into several strips that were used as an observation desk. In the gap that separated each twist in the building were docks where speeders and transporters could land. Inside the building, there were offices, conference rooms, and large auditoriums as well.

Max glided into one of the docks with one of his other speeders, this being a fast “X” shaped one. He strode through the sliding glass doors, got through security, and then continued to one of the many lobbies. The lady at the desk saw Max approaching, and politely greeted him.

“Hello Sir, what can I do for you today?”

“Is Mr. Rosenfeller available?” Max answered.

“Let me check…” the lady turned to the computer and checked Rosenfeller’s status. The lady soon turned back to Max, and answered his question. “Mr. Rosenfeller is currently available. Would you like me to contact him to say that you are going to his office?”

“Yes please. My name is Max Howell.” Max replied

“Ok and you can find him in office 18783 on the 17th floor.”

“Thank you. Tell him that I will be there shortly.”

At that Max left and headed up the spacious glass elevator being the only one in the elevator. It ascended to the top of the building and provided a marvelous view of the surrounding area. Max looked over the huge skyscrapers, and all the people traveling about. It was a world of peace and prosperity. No one had experienced the meaning of war for centuries. Everyone lived in harmony.

Yet there was tenseness in Max that neither he nor anyone else had ever felt before. The feelings of sure peace were broken within him. There was doubt and uncertainty in him. After all, he may have found a hidden enemy, yet he knew not who it was. The curtains of fear were thick around him.

He wondered again, what he was doing, and why. But he reminded himself that even though nothing like this has happened for centuries, change was inevitable. It was disturbing to him that he could do nothing to change the flow of time and change.

The speaker on the elevator announced, “We’re sorry, but this elevator has been shut down. Please open the escape hatch, and climb out. Climb up the ladder and push the nearest green button. This will open the door nearby. Again, we’re sorry for the inconvenience.”

Max hesitated for a moment, then opened the escape hatch and climbed out. Along the black walls there was a red colored ladder that ascended up. After climbing up a couple rungs, there was a dimly light button. He pushed it, and a few feet away a door opened. He walked through the door and into the South East Lobby of the 12th floor. He went to the front desk and told the man there what had happened. After contacting looking at one of the monitors, the man replied to Max.

“No one shut it down, so there must have been a failure in the electro-magnets, or possibly the plasma generators. We will repair it, but for now, you should use the other elevator. Max looked back, and saw the other elevator right next to the one he just left. He noticed that an elevator was just about to arrive, so he thanked the man and hurried over to the open elevator.

When Max entered the elevator, he noticed that one of the two men inside the elevator was Mr. Rosenfeller.

“Why Mr. Rosenfeller, I was just going up to see you in your office. Why are you coming down here?”

Ted Rosenfeller, a mediumly built man with blond hair was one of Max’s oldest friends. When Max had a problem, Ted usually fixed it.

“Well, come with me for a minute.” Said Ted while pushing the ‘1’ sensor, “Oh, and this is one of my co-workers, Dan Willington. He will be with me for today.”

“Nice to meet you Mr. Willington.”

“Anyway, I was thinking that I might find you here. Since lunch time is here, I thought that we could go to my house, and eat there. Sound good?”

“Sounds great.” Max replied when the elevator opened and they headed out onto the 1st level.

“You can come in my speeder, and then later I’ll drive you over here and you can get your speeder.”

“Oh, did you get a new speeder? It looks great.” Max asked

“Yeah, I got it about a month ago. It’s a Wind Whiplash.”

“Wow, I have always wanted to see one before.” Max said as he climbed into the sleek speeder. Mr. Willington took a seat by Max as the engine roared to life. The speeder lifted off the ground, folded the landing legs, and sped off, taking a right on the speedway.

“Where are you going, don’t you turn left to go to your place?”

“That’s the direction where Mr. Rosenfeller would go, but I’m not Mr. Rosenfeller!”

Max looked in shock as the two men’s bodies morphed into a metallic being. They turned into dark, metal droids that were heavily armored and had numerous weapons tucked away inside their armor. Their red, glowing eyes seemed to pierce right into the very soul of his body.

“You’re in our hands now.” The droid next to Max voiced in a steely tone. The droid took a small gun shaped weapon from its side, and when its metal fingers gripped the handle, a blue light shone out of the short square shaped barrel, gradually increasing in intensity. The hair on Max’s skin perked up, and he could feel a sense of dizziness. A moment later, everything went black.
Check out the sci-fi novel I'm writing called "Orion"
  





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Thu May 13, 2010 3:27 am
Griffinkeeper says...



Hi Nemesis! Here is a critique.

Much was a-stir at the Galactic Transportation Agency (GTA) in the city of Elacora in the district of Pasadena. What caused such a commotion was the fact that the well-known scientist, Max Howell, just might be on the brink of a new discovery. The fact that nothing was known about Max’s discovery simply added to the already overwhelming excitement.


What I'm looking for is a hook. A hook is the thing that will turn a casual reader on to the story. There is a nice progression: there is a stir, why? Because a scientist is about to make a discovery, what discovery? Nobody knows..."

So there is a hook, we keep asking questions. We can write it much better though. The first sentence is focusing way too much on the setting. Much was a stir, but what does that mean exactly? Are people preparing a celebration? Or are they rioting in the streets? Once you establish what they are doing, then you can talk more about where they are doing it.

Also, the story would be more powerful if, instead of saying "He's just on the brink of a new discovery" you said, "He has discovered something incredible." Scientists always say that they're very close to a break through, so that they can get more grants and funding. It's when they make the break through that things get exciting.

You can even mention (vaguely) the discovery. If he's found a new type of energy, then you can say "He's found a new type of energy." Instead of having one question, "What is the discovery," you get two; "What is this new energy and how did he discover it?"

This will capture the curiosity of many more readers and they will react more favorably to it.

All the scientists of the GTA anticipated the day when Max would reveal his discovery. Questions, rumors, and guesses of what the discovery might be were to be heard practically anywhere, anytime. All of these questions and hopes remained unanswered for, and the tension and impatience grew at an alarming rate.

Then, like a match lighting a stream of gasoline, the word poured out. There was going to be a meeting the next day, and the speaker was none other than Max Howell. You might think that this bomb of information would bring relief and peace to the heart, that the mystery discovery would be revealed. On the contrary, this brought even more wondering, unrest, and impatience.


You tell us that the scientists are excited, but there isn't any reason for us to get excited about it. This is because you are telling the story, instead of showing us the story. Showing is more powerful as a technique, because it actually immerses the reader in the story. Telling does not. Between watching a funny skit or having someone tell you about it, you would probably choose to watch it for yourself. That's why we prefer stories which are shown, versus told.

Telling has another unfortunate side effect: info-dumping. Science fiction writers are particularly vulnerable to info-dumping, because they want to accentuate every neat object or setting in their story, or tell about how something works, even though the reader doesn't really need to know that level of detail.

Another problem appears when you describe the assassination attempt. When you tell us about it, you're using telling. So when Max tells the story later, it seems repetitive and boring. So repetitive that you don't even bother retelling it to the kids. By showing the attempt instead of telling about it, you'll enable the character to talk about it later without fear of repetition.

In my opinion, this story will not reach it's full potential unless you use showing instead of telling. It means that you'd have to rewrite everything, but the rewrite would be vastly superior to this draft. But, if you are still making progress on your story, by all means continue writing in whatever style you want, just to get it down on paper. You can worry about revising it later.

I am impressed, not because this was well written, but because it could have been a lot worse. Some stories don't have a hook at all.
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Thu May 13, 2010 3:54 am
Nemesis says...



Thanks for the help, but I think that I did it right.

1. You say that there isn't really a hook? I think there is saying that there is a problem. My very next sentence adds onto that statement, making it clearer. You say that nobody really knows about this discovery Max is researching? Thats because nobody does know about it. Max wants to keep it a secret. You begin to know why when you realize the danger of the energy, and so far Max knows most about it and he wants to keep his fellow scientists safe.

2. There are rumors of Max discovering a new technology because of the fact they remembered when he burst out of the lab, blind, burnt, etc. They know something is wrong, something different, and that is a tension builder.

3. You say that I kinda repeat the assassination attempt when relaying it to Max's wife? Well, when Max retells it, he puts it in his view. The actual assassination attempt scene was in a 'flying overhead' manner. Oh and by the way, Max shortly describes his encounter in only a few sentences, not too long to complain about.

Ending: I do notice that I need to work on several things, but right now, Im just trying to get the story written down. I have the amazing plot figured out, but I just need to work on my writing style. I feel it needs to be a little bit more personal.
Check out the sci-fi novel I'm writing called "Orion"
  





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Thu May 13, 2010 8:16 am
Griffinkeeper says...



I didn't say that you didn't have a hook, merely that the hook was weak.

Your explanation about Max wanting to keep the other scientists safe doesn't make sense. If the technology is dangerous and he wants to protect them, why doesn't he simply destroy his research? Why does he even talk about what he's been researching? The moment you make claims like that in front of the scientific community, they'll want to verify it for themselves. The fact that Max blew himself up wouldn't stop them; they would simply use more precautions.
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It's all a matter of perspective. Everyone is the hero of their own story, and the villain of another's.
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