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Operation 70EX Prologue



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Sat Mar 06, 2010 3:06 am
KeisaV says...



Prologue

“Hey, you alright baby doll?” Tina asked. Tuezdai stared glumly at her hands resting on her table, not bothering to turn her desk off, but let it go crazy with all the heat sensing it was eating up.
“Do you have to ask?” Tuezdai Rayne asked irritated, because of course she had told Tina what was bothering her at least five times. For a best friend, Tina wasn’t very good at listening. Tina blew out a sigh and picked up Tuezdai’s card, sliding it through the desk that had begun to beep with panic.
“Shut down.” She commanded before turning her attention back to Tuezdai. “Torturing those poor computers isn’t going to do any good. They haven’t done anything to you. You’re meeting your parents today. There’s nothing to worry about. Everyone goes through it.” Tina said, with only a slight indication of annoyance.
Tuezdai knew she had a point, but she just didn’t understand. Yes, it did happen to everyone. Once a child was born, they stayed with their parents only three years before being enrolled in school and their lives were watched over and controlled by lesser Officials and, ultimately, the Core. It was only until one reached their first year of high school that they were permitted to visit their parents, and that was only for two days once a month. Tuezdai had held the first the meeting off for almost two years. Her sophomore year was scheduled to end in a few months, when she would turn sixteen, and was currently the only one in her school to be of older years not to have gone on a visitation.
It wasn’t the fear of meeting her parents that bothered Tuezdai, but… something else. It was something that she couldn’t explain. Tina didn’t get it.
“If you keep this up, you’ll have an Official after you and then the Core will be notified and you’ll be watched closer than ever.” Tina said, bringing up that painful name that made Tuezdai wince every time she heard.
The Core. The being that ruled the world. No one but the Superiors communicated with the Core, no one saw the Core, and no one questioned the Core. It was unthinkable to go against what the Core set in motion.
“An Official. Right. They wouldn’t bother with something as trivial as that.” Tuezdai rolled her eyes. If Tina paid any attention in Social Standings, she might not say something as stupid as that.
The girl’s brown eyes darkened. “We both know they’ve bothered with things of less importance than this. I’m just trying to helpful, you know, so don’t get all snippy on me.” She put her hands on her hips. She was right. Tuezdai never got angry and she was being dramatic. It took a moment to calm her unsteady nerves.
“Alright, I’m sorry. But, just stop talking about the meeting. I’m not going to have one and that’s the end of the story.” Tuezdai said, smiling apologetically. Tina grinned too and helped Tuezdai up.
“That’s the Tuezdai I know. Do you want to leave now? Being in this building for five hours already is not good for the health, but even longer! Computer 2’Ty will probably lock down soon so we should go.” Tuezdai nodded, pocketed her card and followed her Yaquina friend out of the Trien 7HG5 High School Building.
The streets in Menší (its full name being Žiara zo Menší obrad but no one wanted to expend more energy in saying the whole name) were deserted. That was usual behavior in the Western Countries, where they were closest to the main city capital of the world, Karach3L’6. They were closer to the Superiors, the Core, and when the Core created new technology, the Western Countries were the first to receive it.
If anything, Tuezdai hated it. She had promised herself a long time ago that once she was able to feely move about the world, she would live as far away from the Core as possible.
Tina slid her card along the large metallic door once they had exited and told 2’Ty that they had officially left the school building and wouldn’t be back until tomorrow afternoon. It was a courteous act, to actually talk to a machine, and most people thought it unnecessary since the cards they held were practically tracking devices.
“Okay, now to get started on our History of the Extinction of Probes cross-examination paper.” Tina exclaimed, almost cheerfully, but Tuezdai heard the sarcasm just fine. “That’s going to be fun.” She said that extra loud, just in case a Sensor-Bar was listening in. Tina knew ways to get brownie points. Tuezdai smiled before she heard a noise that made her stop and pull Tina away from the road.
“Tron *8.” She hissed, and ducked in the shadows, hoping that she was concealed completely. It was a surprise to find that she was, and Tina too, because the building they hid behind wasn’t very tall. It almost seemed as if the shadows were stretching a helping hand. She shook off her confusion as the latest edition of a Tron glided past them. They were, besides the Superiors, one of the most feared things on the planet, with their ability to search out fugitives, outlaws, teenagers being out after school was done, and transporting them to a Superior’s hold. (They were the only things the Core let have the location of where a Superior was.)
Computers and the Lesser Officials always told stories of the Superiors. Inhuman beings that were the Core’s own personal guard. They were smarter than any supercomputer and had abilities unheard of. Many said that if you came across a black eyed Superior, you would be dead in the next hour.
Tina shook her head after the Tron had disappeared. “I don’t know why you did that. We haven’t done anything wrong.” Tuezdai sent a sharp glance at her.
“Then why did you hide with me? Next time we see a Tron; I’ll remember that and see how you fair against one.” Tuezdai said sarcastically, but also having some truth in her words. Tina was great and Tuezdai valued friendship more than anything except trust, but the girl was just… to put it simply, Tuezdai didn’t trust her. If she did something bad, like hack into the 2’Ty mainframe, Tina would report it immediately. “We both know they wouldn’t stop to identify us. It’s obviously looking for something and we are something.” A shiver ran up Tuezdai’s back as she glanced around her. Something moved in the shadows. “Come on, let’s go.” She grabbed Tina’s arm and ran swiftly in the opposite direction of the Tron.
“What’s up with you?” Tina asked, furrowing her eyebrows. She wretched at Tuezdai’s arm until the other girl let go. “The Tron is gone. Alright, so now we can go home. You know Computer Megx is going to notified that we haven’t checked in. We’ll be lucky if we’re not locked out by the time we get there.” Tuezdai shook her head.
“That doesn’t really matter. Listen, I think-” Tina let out a yelp as something hit her across the back of the head and she crumpled to the ground. Tuezdai backed up, fear running through her body and turned to face the hallow black eyes of a Superior.
  





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Sun Mar 07, 2010 7:44 am
Lava says...



Hi Keisa!

This is really interesting. It's quite good. The plot is good, and I really like where it's heading.

“That’s the Tuezdai I know. Do you want to leave now?
I think "That’s the Tuezdai I know" sounds a little weird for her to say. Or maybe say how such a sentence was sort of forced out of her mouth. It just doesn't sound natural.
“That’s the Tuezdai I know. Do you want to leave now? Being in this building for five hours already is not good for the health, but even longer! Computer 2’Ty will probably lock down soon; we should go.”
It sounds better this way.
Tina was great and Tuezdai valued friendship more than anything except trust, but the girl was just… to put it simply, Tuezdai didn’t trust her.
In this sentence, I think you could do away with "..." Also; it is phrased awkwardly. I think something along the lines of "Tina was great and Tuezdai valued friendship more than anything except trust, but somehow, she couldn't trust her. No, not yet."
Tuezdai backed up, fear running through her body and turned to face the hollow black eyes of a Superior.
I think you meant hollow, dear.

Anyway, good work. PM me if you post another chapter. :)
Cheers,
~Lava
~
Pretending in words was too tentative, too vulnerable, too embarrassing to let anyone know.
- Ian McEwan in Atonement

sachi: influencing others since GOD KNOWS WHEN.

  





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Sun Mar 07, 2010 10:48 am
Karsten says...



Hi Keisa,

This was an interesting piece. I feel like I'm already slightly too familiar with this setting - generic 1984-type dystopian future - but the lack of parents was a new twist that piqued my interest. I like the way that Tuezdai's relationship with Tina is tempered by lack of trust, reflecting the dangers of this oppressive setting. I thought the cliffhanger at the end was good as well.

I wonder if this piece might benefit from a little streamlining in the world-building department. For a piece only 1200 words long, it's packed with a ton of information: the parents, the Officials, the Core, the Superiors, the unpronounceable capital city, the Trons, the Lesser Officials, the mainframe. I'm not sure that all this information is necessary at this stage, and it made the pace feel slow for me. If you jettisoned all the unnecessary stuff for a later chapter, you could focus on building up the menace of the Superiors in advance of the Superior's appearance at the end of the chapter.

The names are unwieldy. It's human nature to transform long, complicated and/or awkward names into easy nicknames - I can't imagine "Trien 7HG5 High School" surviving very long before it became "Trien High", for example. (Small numbers should be spelled out, by the way.) I'd started calling Tuezdai by a nickname before I finally decided her name was pronounced Tuesday. I also found it confusing that out of the two main characters in this prologue, one has an entirely normal name like Tina, and another has a bizarre name like Tuezdai. I wonder if some renaming might be in order.

Your paragraph breaks are in the wrong places. Good paragraphing makes it easy for the reader to understand who is speaking and doing what, especially when all the characters are female and pronoun confusion could result from all the "she"s and "her"s. Bad paragraphing confuses the reader. Here's a demonstration from the first three paragraphs:

“Hey, you alright baby doll?” Tina asked.

(Paragraph break here. This clearly separates Tina's actions and dialogue from Tuezdai's.) Tuezdai stared glumly at her hands resting on her table, not bothering to turn her desk off, but let it go crazy with all the heat sensing it was eating up. (No paragraph here. Group one speaker's dialogue, in this case Tuezdai's, with her actions.) “Do you have to ask?” Tuezdai Rayne asked irritated, because of course she had told Tina what was bothering her at least five times. For a best friend, Tina wasn’t very good at listening.

(Paragraph break here. We're back to Tina's actions.) Tina blew out a sigh and picked up Tuezdai’s card, sliding it through the desk that had begun to beep with panic. (No paragraph break here. Tina's actions and dialogue belong together.) “Shut down.” She commanded before turning her attention back to Tuezdai. “Torturing those poor computers isn’t going to do any good. They haven’t done anything to you. You’re meeting your parents today. There’s nothing to worry about. Everyone goes through it.” Tina said, with only a slight indication of annoyance.


(I stopped paragraphing here because the next paragraphs are fine.)

Finally, this piece could use another proofread for grammar and punctuation.

Hope this helps, Keisa.

Cheers,
Karsten
  





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Wed Apr 07, 2010 5:25 pm
xXTheBlackSheepXx says...



I honestly didn’t know what you were talking about for the first few paragraphs. The electronic desk, or whatever it was, had me really confused. I mean, what’s the point of an electronic desk? Desks are just for setting stuff on, I can’t think of another use for them.

The names also bugged me. I was pronouncing the main character as Tuesday, which didn’t settle right with me. I wasn’t sure if it was a boy name or a girl name, and it didn’t feel right either way. I’m sure you can find a cooler name, even though sometimes it can be hard to change a name that you already have set in your head for a character.

Also, the names of all the places seemed long and confusing too, and it was just way too many names to pour out in your first chapter. it’s a lot of stuff to try and memorize, when you can instead give us these details in small amounts throughout the first few chapters, or whenever we come upon these things in the story.

I thought it was very interesting how you mentioned that Tuesday couldn’t trust Tina, because that could definitely come into play later.

Keep writing, I would love to see more!
The bad news is we don't have any control.
The good news is we can't make any mistakes.
-Chuck Palahniuk
  








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