Young Writers Society

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Hey! This is a pretty good start, and I'm definitely interested. You did a good job creating a sense of mystery around the character and his organization. I'll go over the grammar below, and then give some more detailed suggestions below. I see you are from central europe, so I don't know if english is your native language (very sorry if my assumption is wrong), but either way check the grammar/sentence structure. Many times words are out of place, or a synonym is used incorrectly, or an article is missing. They are simple mistakes, but if you read over it carefully it should be easy to fix.

How much do people in the well secured cities know about it?

this reads a little awkwardly, maybe say "How many of the people in the well secured cities know about it?"

My name’s Seijou

At first this was fine, but since its a journal you might not want to put it there (how often do you write your name down in your journal?). However, if this is his first entry you could say something like, "I've decided to keep a journal, so this is officially a story of my life: the life of Seijou" or something.

dark past that’s not to be shared freely, leaving me a limited variety of choices on the table with cards of my life. Which do I choose? Once you pick one of the cards, there’s no turning back. I was born to live in the world of living, but trained to live in the world of walking dead. A twilight is where I stand right now, a position of both views, bound to go into one or another direction.

This is another thing that reads awkwardly. If you are making a metaphor about life being simply a deck of cards, and you get whatever you get and there's no going back, then I applaud you because thats a cool idea. Make sure you clarify the language that you use so that we get the same image that you have in your head.


A lot of the story has similar errors, little grammatical mistakes which could just be the fault of a translation (I'm sorry again if my assumption is wrong) so just read over it a couple more times and take note of those sentences where it doesn't flow well. I don't want to go over all of them here, but if you want me to do it in a PM feel free to message me.


Now for the more in depth critique, and I only have one- Who is the main character?

His name is Seijou, I get the sense that he is dangerous, and he works for a secretive organization that he doesn't want to work for any more. Thats all fine, but what motivations does he have? What does this organization do? Are they really evil? Or do they do something good?

Try to give some more information of the back story. You might have planned for this to come later, but the earlier it is given the better it is for the reader.

My only other complaint is a lack of description. I read the story twice, and I still have no idea what sort of time period this takes place in.

Thats about all I saw, and although there are some problems, its a good start to a story, that with some improvements could be very good. Keep with the sense of mystery that you've created, but don't make us confused. Give us just enough information to allow us to formulate our own opinions, but not enough so that we know everything (I know thats complicated but give it a try).

Keep writing, and PM me if you have any questions.

An instinct we all have, but not all of us use.

You're missing a word at the end.

your typical 21 years old guy.

Spell out numbers.

A specific group of people were forcing me to pick one of the cards, however I managed to escape their forceful will

Show, don't tell.

easy to live for me too, will it.

There should be a question mark at the end.

the worst place for a regular civil to appear in

Civil should be civilian.

Captain told me today that we’ll be there in a few hours, that’s truly great, but he also mentioned that my guns

This should be two sentences.

a silver deagle and a bolt-action sniper rifle, won’t be simply enough for that city.

Take out simply.

Sun is slowly disappearing from the sight, suppose it must be quite late eh…

This sentence could easily be two.

jeans and lyed down to get some sleep.

Lyed should be lay. Lyed isn't a word.

Apparently all I could see from the distance

Apparently doesn't make sense in this sentence.

“I wonder how ms.doc is doing…”

ms.doc should be Ms. Doc.

The story is okay, but it lacks any reason for the reader to read it. The beginning was a good start, but by the end it left a lot to desire. Part of the problem is description. When you described something, you told and didn't show what was happening around your character.

Many thanks to the both of you I've tried editing the prologue by changing many sentences so they make more sense and aren't that awkward, I believe If there are some details missing, as I'm sure there are, I'm planning to reveal some of them in the chapter 1, on which I'm already working