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Saving Zanica (Part 2)



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Mon Jan 04, 2010 10:22 am
PenNPaper says...



Hi guys it's me PenNPaper, this is another part of my story, titled Saving Zanica. Hope you guys enjoy it. Please comment, thanks.

The next day the solution was ready, Russell came early as usual, he took one look at the liquid and raised an eyebrow. “But that looks just like water, how can it be the answer?” he asked.
“You see, I have added a colouring to make it look just like water, but I’m not sure of the taste though. I also have made a reverse formula, so that we can change back to five fingers when our job is done,” Arthur explained. Russell nodded, clearly impressed.
“We set off today, Obah, you will be the pilot. The rest of us, I presume, will just wait until we arrive,” Russell instructed.
“Since when did we take orders from you, and what do you mean by the rest of us?” Arthur protested.
Russell looked him straight in the eye and said, “This mission was my idea, besides, you don’t look like you have any leadership qualities. So I suggest you listen to my orders. When I say ‘rest of us’, I mean that there are other people coming.”
Arthur opened his mouth to argue, and then stopped. He clearly didn’t want to mess with anyone who could snap his neck in a few seconds.
They left quietly in the early morning, and took the bomb with them, which was spherical in shape, along with the detonator. The sun was half visible in the horizon. Three people, two humans and an alien, walking on the quiet street. No one talked, the atmosphere was tense. They reached the spaceship, and this time, all the lights were on, there were two men there already. They introduced themselves as other agents of the SSAC. The control room was full of buttons, in front and on top. The pilot’s seat was designed to enable the pilot to reach all the controls. Arthur was a little nervous, after all, Obah had crashed the spaceship before. Still, he was the only one who could operate it. They all took a gulp of the liquid and instantly grew an extra finger.
Obah worked the controls, slowly the ship began to rise, then lurched forward suddenly. Obah apologised, the steered the ship out of the atmosphere, and out to space. To pass time, Arthur talked with the other agents and found out their names, one of them was called Gerald, he was forty and had been in the SSAC for ten years. The other agent was Sam, he was a newbie and had only been in the SSAC for a few months. The two men seemed interested in Arthur’s knowledge of cars and spaceships, and questioned him about it. Russell remained silent the whole trip, only glancing out the glass panel every now and then.



It took several hours, but finally they could see Ranev. It was silver in colour, with craters all over, and was about one third of Earth’s size; there were no oceans, rivers or lakes, just solid metal ground. Ranev had four huge suns positioned in a square. Obah warned them that the gravity in Ranev was three times stronger than of Earth. Arthur hardly remembered Earth, the planet had become too overcrowded and some people were forced to leave somewhere else. Arthur had been a baby when he was transported to Zanica by a spaceship.
Suddenly, they felt a sudden pull towards Ranev, Obah managed to steer the ship safely towards the landing site, where all the spaceships landed, which was at the north. Arthur was tense, he hoped that their plan would work. They would land, then sneak off into one of the hangars when no one was looking. It was the first part of the plan. As they neared the landing site, one of the workers waved his light stick and directed them to a landing spot. Obah activated the anti-gravity, then slowly reduced the power until the ship had landed.
When the ship landed, Obah opened the door, and they ran out towards the hangar. As they left the ship behind, they could hear the shouts of the workers, who were probably searching for them.
“Okay, what now?” Sam asked.
“Have you forgotten the plan?” Russell snapped. “We head towards the gas source now, this should be over soon, I hope.”
“But how do we avoid being spotted?” Gerald asked.
“Haven’t you learnt anything at all, you fool! We are like the Kronan now, we only have to hide our true identity, we can still walk like free men down their streets.” At this point, Arthur interrupted, “Where is the gas source?”
Russell turned to face him, staring into his eyes, “As far as we know, it’s at the west side of Ranev, but we never know, we need to be very careful. Nothing must destroy our plans.” He took a brief glance at Obah, but anybody could tell that there was a slight touch of hatred in that glance.
Arthur spread out a map of Ranev. How one place linked to another was very different from what Arthur had experienced. Let’s say if you wanted to go from point A to B. you would have to walk across, obviously, but which roads to take? There were no roads. Each Section was divided by numbers. For example, the north site was called Section One, South was Two, West was Three and East was four. Each section was divided further into lanes, there were five lanes each, and each lane had ten paths. Lets say if you wanted to go from Point A to Point B it would be like One,Three,Five to Three,Four,Seven. Which meant that you would have to take Section Once, Lane Three, Path Five to Section Three, Lane Four, Path Seven. It was complicated but it was pretty easy if you had been doing that all your life.
“I’ll lead the way,” Obah offered.
“Who else but you?” Russell asked sarcastically.
Arthur could see that Obah was hurt, but he could do nothing to make him feel better. They set off, Obah taking lead. During the flight, Russell had distributed laser guns for everyone, in case they needed it.
Right now their path was One,Two,Eight to Section Three. They walked along the streets, sweating madly. They could see the sun high up in the sky, its rays beating down on the hard metal ground. Everywhere they looked was metal.
As they turned the corner, Obah forced them all back.
“What’s wrong?” Arthur asked.
“I knew this would happen, I knew it, I knew it...” Obah began to mutter nervously, his body trembling.
“What’s wrong?” Arthur asked again.
Obah took a peek around the corner, and then whipped his head back. “My family’s coming towards us, if they find me, they’re sure to warn the Committee. We need to hide somewhere, quickly.” Obah hissed.
Obah began to search frantically for the perfect hiding place, Arthur looked around the corner, then asked. “We don’t have much time left, Obah, have you found a place yet?”
Obah was still searching, running around the place and lifting rubbish cans. Sweat was trickling down his neck when his family arrived. At that moment Obah felt that his world had come tumbling down.
“Obah, is that you?” a female Kronan asked, probably Obah’s mother.
Obah turned around, slowly to face his family.
“You scum, where have you been?” a male yelled, which may have been Obah’s father.
“Mam, Pa...” Obah sobbed.
“We need to get out of here,” Russell hissed.
“And who are these, your new friends?” Obah’s mother sneered.
Arthur looked around, other Kronan were staring at them now, they were forming a circle around them, preventing escape.
“Call the committee here,” Obah’s father growled.
“No, please Pa, don’t,” Obah sniffed, tears flowing down his cheeks.
“The Committee’s on their way” Obah’s mother said. “Let’s see how they react to your new friends.”
“We need to get out,” Russell hissed furiously.
Using his strong arms, he pushed everyone out of the way, making a route for them to pass through. Arthur dragged Obah away.
“Come on Obah,” he said
“They’re escaping, get them!” Obah’s father yelled.
They ran through the streets. A few Kronan police had run after them too, firing shots after them.
“Time to use the laser guns,” Russell said, reaching into his suit.
Arthur and the rest shot back, all except Obah, who was still sobbing as he ran. Arthur managed to hit one of the men. Russell was a skilled gunman, also a cruel one. He fired shot after shot, leaving a trail of bodies behind. Gerald and Sam, fared no worse, it became apparent that the SSAC was not only involved with aliens, they hated them as well.
As they turned a corner, ten other Kronan police, had come from the opposite direction, they were trapped. Russell continued firing, but the crowd closed in on them. Two of the police grabbed Arthur, another two grabbed Obah, Sam and Gerald. It took three police to pin Russell to the wall as he struggled before they could handcuffed him. They struggled, trying to break free, but it was no use. Arthur felt something poking his neck, he felt pain, then felt his eyelids closing, all he remembered was darkness.
Writing is all about imagination~
  





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Mon Jan 04, 2010 1:40 pm
Lava says...



Hi again Paper!

Well, since I don't have much time today, I'm going to make this short.

The next day the solution was ready, Russell came early as usual,

It's not like Arthur knew Russell all that well to say that he came early 'as usual.'

Russell nodded, clearly impressed.

The lines following this define a certain personality to Russell which sort of contracdicts this statement.

It took three policemen to pin Russell to the wall as he struggled before they could handcuffed him.


PLOT: I like where the story is heading. I would be disappoionted if you don't add a few twists in the folowing chapters. Your flow is ok in this, it's going a tad too fast. To slow it down, add descriptions, thoughts etc. Try not to make Ranev too much lik earth. I mean, with the police, try giving them different names, change their guns. Make it more descriptive.

OVERALL: Though you have added descriptions in this chapter, I preferred the previous one. You should describe their feelings as soon as theyland on Ranev, their emotions while on the spaceship.

Keep Writing!
~Lava
~
Pretending in words was too tentative, too vulnerable, too embarrassing to let anyone know.
- Ian McEwan in Atonement

sachi: influencing others since GOD KNOWS WHEN.

  








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