Young Writers Society

Chapter 3
I felt someone jab me in the stomach, and I opened my eyes, only to see Angela. A worried look captivated her pale face, and I could see her trembling with fear.
“Lyra!” she screamed, instantly wrapping her arms around my tired body.
I didn’t resist. I just let her hold me like I was a little girl again.
“I was so worried about you,” she whispered in my ear.
“How long was I gone?” I asked.
She released me and stared at me for a long while.
“An hour or so.”
Wow, time flies when you sleep. I stood up and yawned. Angela handed me a coat.
“Put this on.”
I shook my head.
“No thanks. I’m not cold.”
Angela’s eyes widened with shock.
“Not cold? It’s 32 degrees!” she remarked, throwing me the coat anyways.
I put it on so she would stop making such a fuss. She sat down on a bench, and patted the empty spot next to her, beckoning for me to sit.
“We need to talk, sweetie.”
I groaned, but relentlessly sat down. Angela wrapped her arm around me, and stared at my face.
“Why did you play hooky from school.”
I couldn’t answer that question. If I told her that I was a Shifter, she would try and take me to some psychologist, who would most likely turn me in. I couldn’t risk it.
“Um, well…you know how much I hate school…” I muttered.
Angela knew that was a lie. I did hate school, but she somehow knew that wasn’t the reason I played hooky.
“Tell me the truth. You can tell me anything.”
Something inside of me yearned to tell her, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t take the chance of being betrayed…again.
“No I really can’t,” and with that, I took off running.
I ignored Angela’s desperate pleas, and sprinted for the library.
* * *
I walked through the door, and entered the warm room. Instantly, I felt happy and free. The library was a place that I could run to when I could go nowhere else. Matthew, one of the employees, smiled when he finally noticed me.
“Good morning, Lyra. Skipping school again?” he teased.
I laughed and immediately headed for the young adult section. I flipped through a couple of books, but finding none that interested me, I decided to sit down. I found a couple of armchairs, which I happily took advantage of. Matthew walked towards me.
“What’s the excuse this time? Sick?” he asked.
I glared at him.
“No, I just didn’t feel like going.”
He sat down beside me.
“Angela won’t be pleased.”
I nodded.
“I know, I’ve already talked to her.”
Every time we talk about Angela, Matthew’s eyes just seem to light up like lights on a Christmas tree. I took notice of this.
“Seriously, Matt, you know that Angela is married.”
His bright and cheerful face turned into one of disappointment.
“I know.”
Matt quickly changed the subject.
“Hey, I think that you should volunteer here! I mean, you come here practically every day, and all of the employees know you. You would make a great librarian! Plus, you’re good with kids. If you’re interested, I can put in a good word for you.”
I perked up with such enthusiasm, that I almost fell out of the chair.
“Really? You’d do that?” I asked the college student.
He nodded.
“Of course. Anything to improve the library.”
Finally, for the first time that day, things were going nicely.

A. M. Green wrote:Chapter 3
I felt someone jab me in the stomach, and I opened my eyes, only to see Angela. A worried look captivated her pale face, and I could see her trembling with fear. See here? This is how you do a chapter. You could combine chapter 1 and 2, and have chapter 3 be chapter 2.
“Lyra!” she screamed, instantly wrapping her arms around my tired body.
I didn’t resist. I just let her hold me like I was a little girl again.
“I was so worried about you,” she whispered in my ear.
“How long was I gone?” I asked.
She released me and stared at me for a long while.
“An hour or so.”
Wow, time flies when you sleep. italics for thoughts I stood up and yawned. Angela handed me a coat.
“Put this on.”
I shook my head.
“No thanks. I’m not cold.”
Angela’s eyes widened with shock.
“Not cold? It’s 32 degrees!” she remarked, throwing me the coat anyways.
I put it on so she would stop making such a fuss. She sat down on a bench, and patted the empty spot next to her, beckoning for me to sit.
“We need to talk, sweetie.”
I groaned, but relentlessly sat down. Angela wrapped her arm around me, and stared at my face.
“Why did you play hooky from school.”
I couldn’t answer that question. If I told her that I was a Shifter, she would try and take me to some psychologist, who would most likely turn me in. I couldn’t risk it.
“Um, well…you know how much I hate school…” I muttered.
Angela knew that was a lie. I did hate school, but she somehow knew that wasn’t the reason I played hooky.
“Tell me the truth. You can tell me anything.”
Something inside of me yearned to tell her, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t take the chance of being betrayed…again.
“No I really can’t,” ...dialog tags...rant inboundand with that, I took off running.
I ignored Angela’s desperate pleas, and sprinted for the library.
* * *
I walked through the door, and entered the warm room. Instantly, I felt happy and free. The library was a place that I could run to when I could go nowhere else. Matthew, one of the employees, smiled when he finally noticed me.
“Good morning, Lyra. Skipping school again?” he teased.
I laughed and immediately headed for the young adult section. I flipped through a couple of books, but finding none that interested me, I decided to sit down. I found a couple of armchairs, which I happily took advantage of. Matthew walked towards me.
“What’s the excuse this time? Sick?” he asked.
I glared at him.
“No, I just didn’t feel like going.”
He sat down beside me.
“Angela won’t be pleased.”
I nodded.
“I know, I’ve already talked to her.”
Every time we talk about Angela, Matthew’s eyes just seem to light up like lights on a Christmas tree. I took notice of this. Seriously? This is first person. We should know that you took notice if you mention it.
“Seriously, Matt, you know that Angela is married.”
His bright and cheerful face turned into one of disappointment. if he knew already, then he shouldn't even have hope.
“I know.”
Matt quickly changed the subject.
“Hey, I think that you should volunteer here! I mean, you come here practically every day, and all of the employees know you. You would make a great librarian! Plus, you’re good with kids. If you’re interested, I can put in a good word for you.”
I perked up with such enthusiasm, that I almost fell out of the chair.
“Really? You’d do that?” I asked the college student.
He nodded.
“Of course. Anything to improve the library.”
Finally, for the first time that day, things were going nicely. Remember the time when you said that she doesn't go to school because she's afraid people will get closer to her and find out about her little secret? Plot hole!

The rant I promised:

Alright, here's Uncle Bowie's lesson on dialog tags!

"Acacia, your time will come." He said softly. Wrong!

"Acacia, your time will come," he said softly. Right!

"Your father will be delighted when he sees his little warrior." He failed. Right

"Your father will be delighted when he sees his little warrior," he failed. Wrong!

The difference? You use commas to define how the dialog was said. You use normal periods if he is not saying it. For example, you can't:
"I'm going!" he ran. You can't 'run' a sentence.

"I'm going!" He ran.

Get it now?

Hi!
I like your story quite a bit, so here's your review!
Well, I won't go deep into spelling and grammar mistakes. Instead I'll talk about general things like pace and description etc.

First of all, I think that this sort of idea may be a little cliche. You know, shape shifting, werecats and super powers. It's still entertaining, but just a tad bit cliche.
More on the idea of cliche's (sorry, this may seem a little cruel), but Lyra, Angela, and the girl from chapter 1 who I'm guessing is Lyra's sister (can't remember her name now), they all seemed cliche characters too.
For Lyra, it's good to see that you've given her a few flaws, such as her secret which she's struggling to keep, but you should also know that in science-fiction (and fantasy), the 'Angsty Hero' type is really overdone. You should make her try to be a little more optimistic, but not so much that she becomes a bit of a Mary Sue.
Angela is the all-too-common caring mother who only wants to help her children through their struggles, but only fails because she doesn't know of some all-powerful factor that has just rendered her a hindrance.
Lyra's sister is another cliche, the annoying brat of a younger sister to a teenage girl, whom is obsessed with getting her sister in trouble, usually accompanied by a subtle smug (or in this case, evil) smile.

So, all in all, I quite liked this, but just tweak your characters a bit, and you'll be gold.

Just thought I'd let you know I've been following this story. Keep going with it, okay?