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Blood Soaked Snow {Chapter Two}



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Sun Nov 29, 2009 5:02 pm
Starstruck_Sarah says...



“Charity, dear, do you think you could care for my children today?”
I looked up from the corn I was harvesting. An older woman, in her forty’s I guess, was smiling at me. She was pretty, with a few wise wrinkles by her eyes and mouth. I stood, my basket full of crops weighing me down.
“Sure, Mrs. Smith…Just let me finish my harvesting time and I’ll take care of your kids afterward.” I smiled. Mrs. Smith’s eyes began to tear up. She brought me in a sudden hug, and I was too surprised to show any kind of affection back. Mrs. Smith was hugging me in a very tight embrace.
“Charity, you are such a kind girl.” She whispered. I could feel how warm she was compared to me. I could feel her hot breath on the back of my neck. She pulled away, and I just stared at her. The only people who really show love to me in my nest is Gloria and the kids I take care of. The mothers’ never have really thanked me like this.
A sharp smack on my back stung, and I cried out. I fell to the ground, my face rubbed with the dirt. It was very dry, the dirt. I coughed, the top soil blowing into small clouds. They faded away as I heard heavy footsteps coming my way.
“Work harder, Wick Human.” A Jagmarales spat at me. The footsteps faded away, just like the cloud of dust, except it never really disappeared. I steadily got up, staring at the ground angrily. The Jagmarales didn’t even care to call you by your first name…they just called you by your last name with “Human” followed after it. They labeled us.
I wrapped my fingers around some more crops. I still had three more hours of harvesting. I looked away from the one plant and let my eyes glide along all of the plantations in this area. It was millions of miles wide—or at least it seemed that way—with not very many people picking. I sighed pulling some corn. We’re harvesting at a faster rate, and soon we will run out of crops. We need to start saving and being wise when eating. Plants do not grow at the same rate as we eat them.
I decided I had gotten enough corn and walked towards the chute that led to our underground nest. I dumped the basket full of corn and stood there, listening to how they clanked and thudded against the metal chute. Why was I so distant today? Had I not gotten enough sleep last night?
I felt another whack on my back, and had to grip the metal chute so I wouldn’t fall in. I bit my lip, holding back my yelp, so the Jagmarales wouldn’t feel satisfied. I brought my hand away from the chute and silently cursed. I had forgotten that the metal on the chute is very sharp. Two irritated red lines now ran through the middle of my hand. Some blood escaped from my left hand, and I closed my hand into a fist.
“Keep moving, Wick Human…If we catch you again, we’ll save you for the next baby Jagmarales that needs to learn English.” A Jagmarales threatened at me. I widened my eyes, a gasp stuck in my throat. I turned around, and bowed respectfully to it.
“It is my mistake, please accept my apology.” I said. I didn’t mean my apology. It was just so they wouldn’t want to use me as a dictionary for a baby Jagmarales.
“I do not accept it, but continue on anyway.” The Jagmarales said curtly. I straightened up and watched it walk away, its tail whipping some other Human as it passed. I scowled and picked up my basket. Alright Charity, I said to myself, no more slacking off. Just work your butt off for the next three hours and you’ll be fine.
One can only hope.
I headed for the potato plantation and began to harvest there. I looked up at the sun, and prayed to whoever was listening to me.
I want this world to be safe again.
My fingers wrapped around the potato in the leaves and pulled. I got three from one plant. I wiped a hand across my eyes. It was so hot! I exhaled and pulled up more and more potatoes. I can’t slack off, not with the risk that comes with it.

******


I climbed down the ladder and into the darkness where my nest was. I jumped from the middle and landed on the ground with a thud. I straightened up and walked towards the kitchen, where the vegetables that I and others collected were. The kitchen wasn’t that fancy. It was basically just a small hallway that had a sink with spring water, and some hard, polished rocks as counters. I walked towards where the basket was that held the vegetables and began to sort them. Gloria and I, with a few others from the nest, are in charge of cooking tonight. After I care for Mrs. Smith’s children, I have to report to the kitchen and cook. I looked at the dirty wall and found the paper that showed what we will make for the nest.
I washed the vegetables with the spring water and then left. I looked around the room for Mrs. Smith. She ought to be here somewhere. I walked through a small vessel and saw her family. The father—Mr. Smith—was telling his three children some wise advice. They all nodded, their eyes filled with excitement. He saw me come in and he nudged his children. They all turned around with sparkles in their eyes. I couldn’t help but smile at their happiness.
“Charity!” They all screamed in pleasure and ran towards me. I fell over by the impact and laughed. The three children were so cute and beautiful. There were two girls and one boy. Melody, the youngest, was a bit tan and had beautiful blonde hair. She had bright hazel eyes just like Matt, the middle child. Matt had dark brown hair and shared the same face shape as Melanie, the oldest. Melanie was a dirty blonde and had dark green eyes. I personally think that Melody was the cutest, but that’s probably because she is so young.
“What are we going to play today, Charity?” Matt asked. I ruffled his hair, smiling.
“We’ll play whatever you want to play, Matt. It’s your turn to pick the game, remember?” I said. In order to be fair when babysitting the kids, they took turns on picking the game they want to play. I looked up as Mr. Smith stood. He kissed each of his kid’s cheeks and waved at me.
“I’ll be back by eight, okay?” He said. I nodded, and turned back to the kids. They all smiled at me, their eyes glittering. Matt smiled at me.
“Let’s play hide and seek, okay?” Matt asked. I nodded, and told the kids to hide. I propped myself against the wall and blocked out the light from the near by torches. I counted loudly, so the kids knew how much time they had.
I reached fifty and uncovered my eyes. I saw a little tuft of purple clothing behind a juice barrel and walked towards it. I tilted the barrel and tagged Melody. “Gotcha,” I said. Melody looked down, letting a disappointed noise leave her mouth. I laughed and told her to keep up with me as I found her siblings. I walked forward, but felt her tug at my pants leg. I looked back and she looked at me with big wanting eyes.
“…Can I have some juice?” She whispered. As if “juice” was the magic work, Matt and Melanie came out of their hiding spot and ran towards me.
“Yeah, can we have juice?” Matt asked. I looked at the barrel that was labeled “juice” and sighed. The juice was mainly for the children in the nest. I nodded and walked to the kitchen, grabbing an old jam jar for a cup, and got three straws. I walked back to the barrel and poured some grape juice into the jar. I put three straws in it and handed it to Melody. She smiled and sipped out of the jar. Her disgusted reaction was priceless.
“Aw, it’s all warm.” Melody complained. Melanie, who rarely talks, met my eyes. She looked like an innocent angel, I swear.
“Can’t you make it colder, Charity?” She asked. I stiffened. I can make it colder, yes, but that would expose me. I met Melanie’s eyes, to see if she knew about me, but I think she was just asking. I looked at Matt and saw how he was confused about my reaction. I then looked at Melody…and told myself I shouldn’t have. She had those big puppy-eyed look that just killed me on the inside.
I looked at the jar she was holding. I put my hand out, and placed it on the jar. It was a bit warm. I closed my eyes looked for the piece in my brain that could somehow lower the temperature of this jar. A small twinkle of a silent bell rang throughout my body, and I felt my own body temperature decrease. I found it! I opened my eyes and stared at the grape juice. I held my other hand out and slowly began to close it into a fist. As I did, the grape juice began to harden a little. A few dots of ice formed inside, and they grew bigger. Melody, Matt, and Melanie stared in awe.
Melody sipped from the grape juice and smiled. I pulled my hand away, glad that she was happy. Matt sipped from his straw, and Melanie did the same. They all pulled away and smiled at me.
“Wow, Charity, are you magical?” Matt asked. I laughed, shaking my head. I had to make sure they didn’t tell any of their friends. If anyone finds out…
I bent down and got eye level with each of the kids. I stared into each of their eyes, making sure I had their attention.
“You cannot tell any of your friends about this, okay? It’s really important that no one finds out.” They all nodded. I straightened up and let them drink their juice. I guess I put more in than I should have, because soon they were fast asleep. I cleaned out the jar for juice, and when I came back to make sure they were safe, Mrs. Smith had returned. Melody was talking excitedly to her mother, as if explaining on what a wonderful time she had. I smiled, leaning against the dirt wall. I expected Mrs. Smith to turn around and smile at me, and thank me for my services. Instead though, she turned around and gave me a deathly look.
That’s when I realized Melody had told her mother all about my magic show.
  





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Mon Nov 30, 2009 12:22 am
Sarah Pass says...



I really like it. Though I don't understand why the girl used her "magical" powers in front of the children. I think if she was going to use her powers she should have made them go out of the room and made the drinks colder, then lied to them about how she got the ice to cool down their drinks. And I don't understand why the mother who loved her so much before suddenly hated her. It's a little unrealistic for a parent just to believe anything that their small child says. Also the mother must not have liked and appreciated the girl the way she acted like she did before, because if she did really care for her she wouldn't of turned on her so easily. Is this girl a witch? Still great start.
Giving in is easy,fighting for what you believe in is the hard part.
  





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Mon Nov 30, 2009 2:25 am
narniafreak12 says...



Hi! I'm back! Hope this helps too!

Sure, Mrs. Smith…Just let me finish my harvesting time

"just" doesn't need to be capitalized since it's still part of the sentence with Sure

She brought me in a sudden hug, and I was too surprised to show any kind of affection back. Mrs. Smith was hugging me in a very tight embrace

Make this shorter, and combine the sentence instead of going on about the hug. Make it something like: “she suddenly brought me into a very tight hug.... etc"

“Charity, you are such a kind girl.” She whispered

Alright, there should be a comma after girl not a period, and "she" shouldn't be capitalized because it's technically still part of the dialogue sentence. Yes, it's confusing but that's dialogue rules. Blah.

I could feel how warm she was compared to me. I could feel her hot breath on the back of my neck.

You use "I could feel" beginnging two sentences in a row. Change one sentence's beginnging or combine the two since they go together

A sharp smack on my back stung, and I cried out

This needs reworded. It doesn't sound/look right when I read it. "Stung" seems slightly out of place but maybe it's something.

It was very dry, the dirt

You don't need "the dirt" since you already said that Charity fell into the dirt, readers should know that you are talking about the dirt

Why was I so distant today? Had I not gotten enough sleep last night?

Unless she is thinking this take it out. No need for random questions. If she is thinking it though make it italized so readers know that these are her thoughts.

Gloria and I, with a few others from the nest, are in charge of cooking tonight. After I care for Mrs. Smith’s children, I have to report to the kitchen and cook.

You repeat yourself about the cooking. Maybe instead, just say something like "After I care for Mrs. Smith's children, I have to report to the kitchen and help Gloria cook." Something along those lines to shorten it and make it less repeative.

She looked like an innocent angel, I swear.

Take out "I swear". Readers don't need random present tense comments fromt the narrator, especially in past tense stories.

Good! I like it so far. Towards the second part there were a few more parts of info dumps but just sift through and take out unwanted information and descriptions that won’t really move the story along. Such as when you describe the three kids, there’s no need for that if you can just put bits here and there while you show us them playing hide and seek. This definitely has my attention, so tell me when you put more up. I can’t wait to see what happens with Mrs. Smith ... hope I helped!

=] -Narniafreak!
  








We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time.
— T.S. Eliot