Young Writers Society

Chapter 1
They’re getting closer. They’re gaining on me, and fast. This is the third and probably the last time that these stupid, stupid electric creatures are chasing me. Twice I’ve gotten rid of them and twice they’ve found me again.
I glance back over my shoulder in time to see a tail shooting towards me, crackling with electricity. I run faster and zigzag, but to no avail. These tail missiles seem to have some sort of homing device in them. The tail strikes me squarely in the back, sending a quick and painful current through me. I gasp and stumble, almost falling over, but then I right myself, gritting my teeth. I glance up and see distant streetlights and buildings, the only things that show I’m in London.
We’re heading in the same direction as the last time and the time before. Whenever they chase me we always end up here. The trees are old and withered, covered in fungi and moss. There’re no birds, no animals, not even any insects. There’s no sign of life at all.
Suddenly, the indignity of being pushed and shoved around by things that are probably just about the same size as my hand rears up on its hind legs and hits me full in the face.
I turn around, snarling, but realize there’s no way I can take them all on at once with just my bare hands. I need to give them the slip one last time and seek shelter somewhere else, away from the overpopulated alleyways of London and away from the dingy forests and clearings hidden away out of sight.
Then suddenly, out of the corner of my eye, I see smoke coming out of a chimney that’s partially hidden behind a hill.
A house, here, in the middle of all this wasteland? I decide to head towards it. Maybe there’s someone in there who can help me. I speed up, hope giving me the energy I need to reach the house a long time before those annoying little electrocuters.
The house blends in perfectly with its surroundings. The front door is hanging off its hinges and one of the windows is cracked. The whole house looks as if it will collapse on the slightest touch. It looks totally uninhabited. But what about the smoke I saw, coming out of the chimney? Maybe it was just some fog or mist, and because I need help so desperately I imagined it was coming out of the chimney.
My gaze drifts back to the door, and to my surprise, there’s someone standing there, looking at me.

Hey! (I adore your avatar.) So, a couple of technical things to point out:

1. On YWS, we like to spread the love. Keep a 2:1 reviews to works ratio; that is, for every work of your own you post, review two others.

2. People are lazy! A huge chunk of writing, like what you've posted, can turn reviewers off, because it's so long and will obviously take a ton of effort. It's easier to get reviews if you break it up, so you can post chapter by chapter, or whatever. Maybe check out what some other people do.

I'm one of those lazy reviewers, so I'm only going to do the first two chapters for now, and then I'll come back and finish.

This is the third and probably the last, if I can’t head them off anytime soon, that these stupid, stupid electric creatures are chasing me.

Do you mean the third and last time? XD

Twice I’ve gotten rid of them

Their tails, though, can shoot off and be used as a missile.

Should be missiles (plural) as you're talking about more than one tail.

Even worse than their unsheathable claws. The claws are about a foot long and mere contact would break skin.

I think this would read better as one sentence, as in their unsheathable claws, which are about a foot long...

shoved around by things that are probably just about the same size as my hand, rears up on its hind legs and hits me full in the face.

Ditch the comma.

The front door is hanging off its hinges

But the smoke I [s]had[/s] saw,

Maybe it was just [s]been[/s] some fog or mist,

Watch out for verb tenses. They're tricky little buggers...

with two chairs, one at each end, (comma) and a fireplace.

What kind of name is that!?

Ditch the exclamation point; just the question mark will suffice.

I trail off.

Okay. This is very interesting; I have to admit, I'm not usually into sci-fi but your story has be intrigued and you probably won't have to remind me to come back to it. I love your writing style; it seems very, for lack of a better word, chill. Relaxed. Which contrasts with what you're actually saying. And it's a good idea, so far. Just watch out for grammar and make sure you proofread.

And get those reviews!

PM me if you have questions or need anything.
-Mars

Thanks for the feedback. im not really that good at grammar and stuff so your help is really appreciated. i'm going to leave the first four chapters on and cut the others out, i haven't actually finished my story yet so i need to keep people interested! i've changed the bits you thought needed changing. when you've read a bit further on could you tell me what you think of the plot. is it too slow moving? Thanks again!

Welcome to YWS!

Like Mars said, there's a 2:1 review ratio here. Spread the love! Review other people's works and put yourself out there.

The other thing is, and this is a personal pet peeve of mine, please don't put "please R&R" in your title. People who are going to review are still going to review and people who aren't still won't. I actually make it a rule never to click on things that say "R&R" and half the reason I ended up clicking this one time was because (a) you're new and (b) to tell you this. There's a review board on YWS where if you want critiques, you can go ask them from specific people.

So, yeah. I rarely review things that say R&R on them — in fact, I kind of make it a point to ignore them — and I'm sure I'm not the only one. The "please R&R" is kind of implicit in posting it here in the first place. : )

Anyway! Now that I'm here, I might as well talk about the story. I'm only going to review the first chapter, and I do second what Mars says: post the first chapter first! Honestly, few people have the time to go through and review four chapters in one go and it's kind of overwhelming to click on a thread and find the first twenty pages of a novel posted here. Post it in pieces! I think (I hope) you'll have a lot more success with that.

This is the third and probably the last, if I can’t head them off anytime soon, that these stupid, stupid electric creatures are chasing me.

A couple of things.

First of all, you probably want "time" after "last". Secondly, you don't really need "if I can't head them off anytime soon" because (a) it just makes your sentence longer and clunkier and (b) it's already suggested in the words, "probably the last". I'd advise cutting them out.

Bzzzzzt!

I'm not a huge fan of writing out sound effects, to be honest. I think you can probably dig through your vocabulary and find something that works just as effectively (if not more effectively) and maybe even quickly describe what's going on. Here's a good place to describe the stuff that you infodump later, the stuff about how "their tails are the worst thing" (I'll talk about it in greater detail when I get there). Just a few quick sentences: "A tail lashed through the air. I screamed." Or, you know, something else. Preferably with some semblance of the sound effect (or words that do it justice).

Their tails are the worst thing about them. Even worse than their unsheathable claws which are about a foot long, mere contact would break skin. Their tails though, can shoot off and be used as missiles. As soon as it touches something, or, as in my case, someone, it gives them, or it, an electric shock. I should be grateful really, that it doesn’t set me alight or anything and it isn’t strong enough to kill me either.

So. Infodump. Infodumps are generally kind of awkward in any kind of narrative ever, because it's very transparent that the writer is trying to dump us with some basic knowledge of insert-topic-here. But in this scene, it's especially perilous and kind of damaging to your story; you've got an epic chase scene but the infodump completely throws off the flow and the tension that you've been building up until now. It fizzles out the excitement. You can definitely work all of this very easily into your narrative, as well. Like (crappy example commencing): "I turned around. Their claws gleamed in the moonlight." You get the idea. It's more challenging but ultimately MUCH more rewarding to break down the information and find places to work it into the story itself.

Whenever they chase me we always end up here, in this area full of trees and hills.

Comma after "me".

I also think you don't need "in this area full of trees and hills" because, two sentences later, you establish it much more vividly.

That might sound nice but it isn’t.

Not a fan of this sentence. It doesn't sound nice in the first place — he (she?) is being chased by a giant pack of scary things. Nothing sounds nice. Also, you go onto explain how the trees are ugly and old in the next sentence, and you do so much more effectively, so I think this sentence is just taking up extra space. I'd suggest cutting it out.

. But today, I really can’t be bothered. I decide to let them take me where they want.

Why? I don't understand — and it seems kind of bizarre and abrupt — that he (or she) is giving up on this all of a sudden when for the past bazillion paragraphs, he's been running for his life. Now, all of a sudden, he's giving up? I don't buy it; it doesn't seem plausible as a reader. You have to give us a reason.

. But it seems like they are in no hurry.

This seems pretty incongruous with your second sentence of the story, which is: "They're gaining on me, and fast." If they're in no hurry, could you perhaps establish that a little earlier. Maybe have him duck behind a tree and look back and see that they're loping far in the distance towards him. Up until now there's been an absolutely fantastic sense of urgency throughout the story, and these few sentences deflate it in a kind of disappointing way. If he's not too worried and they're not too concerned with catching up with him, you should definitely introduce that earlier in the story.

I turn around, snarling, furious at myself for even thinking of surrendering to these irritating little creatures, but at the same time realising there’s no way I can take them all on at once with just my bare hands.

Are they actually little or is he saying "little" as a way to demean them? We don't have much impression of their size except that they have giant claws, but for now I've been imagining them as these giant wolf/lion hybrids. If they are in fact little (or even if they aren't), I'd maybe suggest placing some kind of throwaway line to that effect somewhere earlier in the story.

need to give them the slip one last time and seek shelter somewhere else, away from the overpopulated alleyways of London and away from the dingy forests and clearings hidden away out of sight.

Again, if they're in London, we've had no impression of that before; I've been imagining us in rolling countryside. If they are in fact in the city, could we have some indication — streetlights, maybe the gleam of distant buildings, anything?

Okay. So I like this first chapter: a chase chapter is a little generic but the fact that you set them up as electric gives it a hint of intrigue. You've also got a pretty strong command of writing and vocabulary and building of tension and it really shows in the story.

Again: it may be less overwhelming to post it in smaller installments. (And put some space between the chapters! As in, post one every week or something. It helps give people a chance to get interested in your project.) And review stuff! What goes around comes around.

Anyway, if you have any questions or comments or need me to clarify anything at all, feel free to PM me. Good luck editing! : )

Chapter 2

The man stares at me with golden cat-like eyes. His hair is golden too, but with black streaks in it.

“Hello?” the man says.

I look away and shiver. Not because it’s cold, but because of this person’s voice. It’s cold and commanding. I shiver again and glance back at the person.

“Well, are you going to introduce yourself or stand there gaping at me until I drop dead?”

I snap to attention. This man isn’t someone whose bad books I want to get into.

Then everything comes rushing back. Why I’m here in the first place and the danger I’m in. I turn around, expecting to see a yellow lightening bolt shaped creature leaping at me. But to my surprise, they aren’t there. I blink. I squint. I rub my eyes. They’ve gone! Just…just like that!

I turn back around to face the person again.

“Creatures…back there?” I glance over my shoulder anxiously, wondering where they've gone.

“Come in, come in.”

He leads the way inside and I follow him warily. Strewn on the wooden table are a number of papers. He sweeps them into a pile and places them on a wooden mantelpiece above the fireplace.

I sink into one of the two chairs on either side of the table. My head is swimming and I can’t make sense of what’s just happened. I fight the urge to yell or scream, in some way to release the pent-up frustration inside me.

I take a deep breath. Then another. And another.

The stranger speaks again.

“What is your name?”

“Venolf,” I reply.

“Your second name?”

“War,” I stare at him defiantly, daring him to make a crude comment. He merely raises his eyebrows and looks away.

“My name is Ashuthaka.” His voice rings out and echoes in the silence that follows.

I almost snigger. I mean, come on! What kind of name is that?

“So, you’ve seen the Ampetrons, have you?”

That wipes the smile off my face. Completely. There can only be one thing he’s talking about.

“They have a name?” I ask curiously.

“It’s what I call them,” Ashuthaka says.

“So you’ve seen them as well. I thought…” I trail off.

“…You were the only one who knew about them.” He looks at me with an amused expression on his face.

I scowl at his expression, immediately on the defensive.

“How was I supposed to know?

Ashuthaka changes the subject. “So how did you meet them? I thought that I was the only one knew about them?” He says, breaking the silence that has fallen in between us.

I open my mouth to tell him what had happened, but before I have the chance, he speaks again. I’m beginning to get more than a little irritated with him. I’m already worn out and his interrogation of me isn’t helping.

“But I’m forgetting myself! I have a room upstairs if you’d like to stay the night. Tell you what, I’ll show you the room and you can get comfortable while I bring you something to eat. How does that sound?”

“I…I…Thanks!” I say, taken aback by the generous offer.

“No problem. I haven’t had a visitor since, well…” Ashuthaka trails off. His almost white lips pull back in an inhuman snarl, revealing pale pink gums and teeth that seem abnormally sharp.

He regains control of himself and gestures towards the stairs.

I follow him up them and the only noise I can hear is the creaking of the stairs and the steady rhythm of our footsteps.

Ashuthaka steps into a wide corridor and pulls open a door on the right.

“This room is yours,” he says.

The room is spacious and quite cosy. I step onto the cream carpet and walk over to the window, basking in the light coming through the cream curtains. In one corner of the room there’s a bed, and beside it there’s a small cabinet. I see flames crackling in a fireplace identical to the one downstairs, but smaller.

I turn to thank Ashuthaka but he’s gone. I didn’t hear him leave. I hadn’t heard him when he had come to the front door the first time I’d seen him either.

All of a sudden, I feel exhausted. I can barely keep my eyes open. I stagger over to the bed and kick off my trainers. Getting under the covers, I promptly fall asleep.

Hello! Music, here as requested!


Grammar & Line-by-line Comments:

I turn around, snarling, but [s]realising[/s]realize there’s no way I can take them all on at once with just my bare hands.

But what about the smoke I saw, coming out of the chimney?

My gaze drifts back to the door, and to my surprise, there’s someone standing there, looking at me.

The person is tall with yellowy-golden cat-like eyes. His hair is golden too, but, here and there, there’re black streaks in it. I don't like that you described him like this. Why not show his looks in actions, such as saying, "The man stares at me with golden, cat-like eyes."

“Hello?” <--Specify who said this.

“Well, are you going to introduce y’self or stand there [s]gawping[/s]gaping at me until I drop dead?”

Ashu sweeps them into a pile and places them on a wooden mantelpiece above the fireplace. <--You cannot refer to him as Ashu yet, because your MC doesn't know the man's name yet.

“…You were the only one who knew about them?” [s]He’s looking[/s] He looks at me with an amused expression on his face.

Ashu changes the subject. <--I don't like that you give Ashuthaka a nickname. The MC should ask Ashuthaka if he can call him Ashu for short (which I don't think he'd do- he's so intimidated) or Ashuthaka needs to tell your MC to call him that. “So how did you meet them? I thought that I was the only one knew about them[s]?[/s].” [s]He breaks the silence that has begun to stretch out in between us.[/s]He breaks the silence that overwhelmed us a few seconds before. [I like the flow of this better]

Language Usage & Writing Style: I thought you did pretty well, but you verged on telling instead of showing, especially in the second chapter. Instead of listing info dumps, try to show descriptions in actions instead. I think your dialogue is pretty good, but you need to define the characters according to their dialogue. I think Ashuthaka's personality seems to change when he talks, because he doesn't have a certain way with dialogue- he switches around too much (He says y'self, but then he talks "coldly". This contrasts and confuses the reader)
Also, I don't really enjoy pieces written in the present tense, but you didn't have any issues with it, and it's your story. ^^ What I did really like is that your piece was kept simple for the most part- you didn't try to fill it up too much.


Imagery & Emotion: I think that your emotion was okay, but I'd like to see it come through more through dialogue and actions, not just thoughts. To help with this, use dialogue tags ("...," he said ______ <---Add descriptions here.), body language, etc. to get the point across.
As for imagery, I'll elaborate more on my suggestion of using actions to show images. When your MC enters his room, he lists an info dump of its looks. Why not say, "I stepped across the plush, cream carpet," or, "The sun shone through the thin, wispy curtains," or something to that affect.


Characters: I had some problems with your characters. Your MC isn't unique enough for me, so I'd like to see more development in the future. As for Ashuthaka, you need to work on getting his personality more clear. He is too jumpy for me, and I'd like to be able to define him in my head. Adding quirks and emotion to your characters will help the reader to understand and relate to them better.


Plot & Storyline: Seems... interesting. I'd like to see a more exciting plot develop (I'm sure it will- after all, these are only the first two chapters). So there's not much to say about this area right now.


Overall, I thought it was a pretty good piece! Take the comments in each review to heart and you'll have a wonderful first two chapters!

Questions? PM me.

Love,
Music

Okay, just a quick one for a quick chapter. I think it's good, although I would like to see the imagry of the electro cutters some more. i have no idea what youre running from, or what you're running from... that are the electrocutters, why are they chasing you and why are you runing in other words. Tat might bulk up the chapter a bit, although it is still painfully short. Try and add in some feelings for you character; make us feel like we're there, and running alongside her. What are the emotions that surge through her as she runs; try and flash back to the first reason of why she is running, so we know.
Right now, we know nothing, and it's frighteningly hard to see what ou mean, and why you're running if you don't tell us!

Well, that's all I can add, because it was short. try and make it longer, or squash some chapters together, which would make each chapter more that a page or two.
or, alternatively this could be a prologue, and the other chapters are longer? I don't know, it's up to you really!

Chapter 3

I wake up and, for a moment, stare around in confusion before remembering where I am.

I look at my watch.11:00am. I blink in surprise at how late it is. Having not eaten last night, my stomach is rumbling loudly and I’m almost faint with hunger.

Looking around, I see that there is a plate of lasagna on the bedside table. I pick the plate up; it’s cold. Probably here from last night. I begin to wolf it down, finishing it in about two minutes flat. I lean back against the headboard, my raging hunger now satisfied. Soon after, I get up and begin to pace the room.

About five minutes later, Ashuthaka comes in.

“Hungry?” he asks.

“No.”

“You can stay here if you want,” Ashuthaka says suddenly. “I’d enjoy the company.”

Compared to living in an alleyway for a long time, this place is amazing so I jump at the chance to have a room here.“That’d be great!”

I wander out of the house, wanting to stretch my legs. Walking aimlessly around the barren land, I come across another house. If you'd have told me there was one house around here I would laugh at you, never mind two.I knock on the door, curious to see who the occupants are or if this is an abandoned house.

I stand there for a while, staring at the chipped and cracked door. Just as I’m about to turn around and head back to Ashuthaka’s, the door flies open to reveal a boy that looks to be the same age as me. He’s a medium height and has brown eyes. His hair is brown too.

“There you are Venro! I was…” says the boy, tailing off as he realises I’m not Venro. “Err…do I know you?” he asks.

I’m just about to answer him when his gaze shifts over my shoulder and I turn around to see what he’s looking at. Turns out it isn’t a what, it’s a who. Standing behind me is a lanky boy with striking emerald eyes and a mop of black hair.

“You took your time Venro! Ashuthaka’s found another kid!”

“What!?” Venro exclaims, running a hand through his hair. “We’ve been looking for ages and we haven’t found anyone at all!”

Another kid? Ashuthaka’s? Well, that could only be me, but there are loads of people who live in alleyways, so why hadn’t they seen anyone at all? Wanting to make sure the kid they are talking about is really me, I blurt out a question, bringing unwanted attention to myself.

“Erm, when you say another kid, do you mean me?” I ask, addressing the boy in the doorway; he seems the more approachable of the two.

“You’re the new kid?” Venro asks, looking me up and down.

“Yeah,” I reply, uneasy under his scrutiny.

“So, what’s your animal?” the other boy asks.

“My animal?” I reply. “What d’you mean?”

“You know, the one you can shift into?” Venro says impatiently.

The brown haired boy turns to Venro.

“He doesn’t know! I didn’t either, remember?” He turns to me. “What’s your name?” he asks.

“Venolf,” I reply. “Venolf War.”

“Mine’s Seqain. He,” says Seqain, indicating Venro, “is called Sevenroth but he prefers Venro.”

“OK, now the introductions are over, we have to decide,” says Venro, looking at Seqain.

“Decide whether he’s trustworthy? Come on Venro, we’ve just seen him and you want to pass a judgment on him already?” protests Seqain.

Venro opens his mouth to reply but I launch myself at him, knocking him to the ground. An Ampetron flies over us, its unsheathed claws missing me by millimeters. I roll off Venro in time to see the Ampetron colliding with the door. Seqain shimmers and blurs as the Ampetron rights itself, hissing angrily. I’m about to get up and try to help but I feel a hand on my shoulder. It’s Venro.

“Seqain can handle this,” he says quietly, pulling me back down beside him.

Seqain turns to face the Ampetron as a scorpion. The Ampetron advances slowly, placing each paw with infinite care. Then Seqain lunges at the Ampetron and misses! Or so it seems until he whips his sting around, embedding it deep in the Ampetron’s neck. It lets out an unearthly shriek and collapses.

Seqain shifts back into the brown haired boy I had seen in the doorway.

I turn to Venro.

"I can turn into an animal!? Really? What animal? What do you turn into? How come I didn't know? How does Ashuthaka..."

Seqain cuts me off, laughing.

"Hey, calm it! Venro can show you what he changes into inside and we'll try to answer all of your questions!"

I hesitate. This is basically how I'd met Ashuthaka and it turns out; if these two are to be trusted, he's some bad guy.

Venro sees me hesitating and puts an arm around my shoulder.

"C'mon! You don't have to stay here or anything if you don't want to," he says, pushing me gently towards the door.

The inside of the house is pretty basic but it has a homely feel to it. There’s a faded caramel sofa and a wooden coffee table that’s in the middle of the room. Venro and Seqain throw themselves onto the sofa. I throw myself down in between them, grinning. Already, I feel more at home with these two than I have been with anyone.

“So...” says Seqain. “Your questions? And one at a time, mind!”

I punch him in the arm. He writhes in mock pain so I punch him again. Venro jumps me from behind and I fall off the sofa, pulling Seqain down with me.

“Hey,” I grin. “Two against one! No fair!”

I get to my feet and reach out a hand to pull Seqain up.

Throwing myself back onto the sofa, I ask, “How do you know I can turn into something?”

“Ashuthaka got his Ampetrons to track you down,” says Venro.

“The Ampetrons are under Ashuthaka’s control?” I ask, getting side tracked.

“Yeah,” replies Seqain. “He sends them to hunt the person he wants down; once he knows who it is, of course. That way he’s got no risk of being identified as the bad guy.”

“What do you turn into?” I ask Venro.

He gets up and sighs. “You’ll see.”

Venro begins to shimmer and blur.

“He’s so cool!” Seqain whispers.

Venro’s a snake! But not any old snake; he’s a cobra. His eyes shine a vibrant emerald green and his skin is an inky black. I kneel down beside him, then turn to face Seqain.

“If I talk to him, will he understand me?” I ask.

“Yeah, he will be able to. Only because you can turn into something though,” Seqain replies.

“Are you sure I can turn? I mean, Ashuthaka could be wrong.”

“Me and Venro have tested you, but even before that, we were pretty sure; Ashu’s rarely wrong.”

“What do you mean, tested me?”

“It’s hard to describe,” he replies. “It’s how we look for other people like us. It’s kind of like…”Seqain trails off, trying to think of a way to put into words what’s in his mind. “…like a brush of the mind, then an instant yes or no; it’s instinct really. Ashu has it stronger then anyone I know.”

Turning back to Venro, I see that he’s changed back. He nods at me.

“What?” I ask.

“You can definitely turn. I could understand your every word.”

“I don’t know how to turn though.”

“I didn’t either,” says Seqain. “We can’t show you how to change, but we can give you a nudge in the right direction.”

I see them shimmer and blur as they begin to change. Seqain into a golden scorpion, Venro into a cobra.

“What are you going to do?” I ask.

Neither of them answer. Then they began to advance. The scorpion with its sting raised high, the cobra with its emerald eyes glittering maliciously.

I begin to back away, my throat dry with fear. Why did everyone I trust betray me? The people I’d trusted with Felcaw, my best friend, when he was ill, let him escape before I could find a decent doctor. Then Ashuthaka with his false kindness and hospitality. And now these two. The people that I think can help me, become my friends, are merely using me too? My fear turns into anger. At myself, for being so trusting of almost everyone I meet. At Ashuthaka, Seqain and Venro for betraying that trust. Then, in the midst of all my anger, a thought occurs to me. Maybe Felcaw hadn’t been ill after all…

It was a normal day and I’d just come back from a foraging trip. I went into the alleyway that was mine and Felcaw’s ‘home.’ I found Felcaw eating a dead rat. I totally freaked. Fearing that my only friend was losing his sanity, I’d asked some people that I’d known to keep an eye on him while I searched for someone who used to have a profession as a doctor something. After hours of fruitless searching. I came back to my ‘home’ to find that Felcaw had gone. The people I had trusted with him claimed that they hadn’t left the mouth of the alleyway but that was the only way he could have escaped. Or was it? Maybe he can change into a bird or something. That’ll also explain the rat. Then I have a horrible thought. What if Ashuthaka had found Felcaw too? I stride past Seqain and Venro, sparing them a disdainful glance.

okay...this might sound like a broken record so i'll change it up a bit.
I TOTALLY AGREE WITH MARS!!! i'm a really slow reader and i need more time. so far the first chapter is good. a few grammitical errors...i get those all the time(stupid buggers)
THE PLOT WAS PRETTY GOOD. i say beef it UP!!!
other than that
NICE WORK
~Cookies

Hey! Basket here. Got your message. Thanks for asking me do this! I need something to take my mind off life. God, I'm glad I love editing.
My corrections are going to be the bold within the quotation boxes. Anything I feel I need to add, will be under the quotation box. Sound good?
Great. Lets get started.
CHAPTER TWO!

His hair is golden too, but, here and there, there’re black streaks in it.

I'd try something like, "His hair is golden, too, but with black streaks in it."

“Creatures…back there?” I indicate with my thumb, pointing behind myself, over my shoulder.

Okay, obviously your MC is confused, since the creatures aren't chasing after him for some reason. So, indicate that. I know you did above, in the paragraph before. Have him thinking that there should be. Or him looking over his shoulder anxiously.

Ashu sweeps them into a pile and places them on a wooden mantelpiece above the fireplace.

We all of a sudden know the person's name?

I sink into one of the two chairs, either side of the table.

Ahh, how about you try...
"I sink into one of the two chairs on either side of the table."
Sounds a bit better, in my opinion.

to release the frustration that’s pent-up inside me.

This part is kind of wordy. Take out a word and switch them around. Like...
"... to release the pent-up frustration inside me."

I take a deep breath. Then another. Then another.

Change the second "then" to "and". Try not to repeat words too close together. Using "and" makes it sound better and gives the reader more variety.

I almost snigger. I mean, come on! What kind of name is that?

I like that. Made me giggle.

“How was I supposed to know?"

Ashuthaka changes the subject. “So how did you meet them? I thought that I was the only one knew about them?” He breaks the silence that had fallen in between us.

Change the bolded (second) question mark to a period.
As for that last sentence, it just sounds awkward where its at. Either move it someplace else, take it out completely or change it to something like:
"He says, breaking the silence that had fallen between us."

My room is spacious and quite cosy.

I wouldn't put it as his room quite yet. I'd change "my" to "the".

I turn to thank Ashuthaka, but he’s gone.

And there's chapter two.
I hope all of my corrections made sense... hopefully nothing was too confusing. If you find something you don't get (and more than likely you will, since I'm totally out of it right now), feel free to PM me.
I'll edit chapter three in a different post in an hour or so. Hopefully this helped.
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And I'm back with CHAPTER THREE! Lets go, shall we?
Same correction technique applies as in chapter two, so you know.

I blink in surprise. Having not eaten last night, my stomach is rumbling loudly and I’m almost faint with hunger.

Surprise because he hasn't eaten last night, or surprise he woke up late?

Then after a while, I get up and begin to pace the room.

Hmm... I'm not entirely sure if the beginning works...
Try something like:
"Soon after, I get up..."

“That’d be great!”

Here, the reader sees the excitement or eagerness, but they can't feel it. Explain what he's feeling like at this point.

I wander out of the house, wanting to stretch my legs. Walking aimlessly around the barren land, I come across another house. Surprised, I knock on the door.

the door flies open to reveal a boy that looks about the same age as me. He’s a medium height and has brown eyes. His hair is brown, too.

Change "about the" to "to be the". Sounds better, flows more freely in my opinion.

“Mine’s Seqain. He,” says Seqain, indicating Venro, “is called Sevenroth but he prefers Venro.”

Seqain turns to face the Ampetron as a scorpion.

Very interesting! Not what I was expecting. However, to help your story a bit, give us some description on the scorpion. Is it the regular color? How big is it? Does it have any Seqain-like traits to it?

The Ampetron advances slowly, placing each paw with infinite care. Then Seqain lunges at the Ampetron and misses! Or so it seems until he whips his sting around, embedding it deep in the Ampetron’s neck. It lets out an unearthly shriek and collapses.

Ahh... well, I'm not the greatest person to go for to look for action advice, however, it may just be me, but this kind of seemed awkward and most definitely too fast. For a first encounter, you could definitely add in a bit more detail.
Like... try having Venro explaining to Venolf what's happening, or what Seqain may be thinking about while fighting the Ampetron.

This is basically how I'd met Ashu and it turns out; if these two are to be trusted, he's some bad guy.

This made no sense to me... why is Ashu a bad guy?

I punch him in the arm. He writhes in mock pain so I punch him again. Venro jumps me from behind and I fall off the sofa, pulling Seqain down with me.

“Hey,” I grin. “Two against one! No fair!”

I get to my feet and reach out a hand to pull Seqain up.

Haha, okay. Well... Venolf just met these two boys. He's been with them for maybe, what, twenty minutes tops, and they're already acting like brothers? That doesn't seem right, especially with the hesitation to begin with.
I would change this and, if you plan on keeping Seqain and Venro in the story (which it sounds like you are, so far), then have the brotherly love come later, not right away.
I know I wouldn't be that open with strangers very quick.

It’s kind of like…”Seqain tails

Ahh, space after the quotation mark and I'm pretty sure you meant "tails" to be "trails".


Ahh, not nice, leaving it off like that...
So not cool.

But! There is your requested review.
I hope I helped! If you have any questions, let me know.

Ahh, and make sure you tell me when you continue on with this... its very interesting and I really can't wait to see what comes next!
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Hello, Afeefah! Music- here as requested. Sorry I'm a bit late on this, as I was out of town.

On to the review!

Grammar & Line-by-line Comments:

I wake up, and, for a moment, stare around in confusion before remembering where I am. <--Why don't you add a little description about the room here? Is sunshine beating through sheer curtains, or completely blocked out? What color walls or blankets does the room have? Add a little of this. (:

Looking around, I see that there is a plate of [s]lasagne[/s] lasagna on the bedside table.

“That’d be great!” <--Before Venolf answers, why not include some of his thoughts as a reaction. Because, right now, it sounds like he's sarcastic right now, but he may not be. Giving us his reaction in his mind beforehand will show us his real intentions behind his answer.

Surprised, I knock on the door. <--I don't really get his motives of knocking on the door here. Is it the only house for miles around? Does it look empty, and he's making sure? I just don't see why he'd knock on a random house's door.

Venro opens his mouth to reply, but I launch myself at him, knocking him to the ground. An Ampetron flies over us, its unsheathed claws missing me by [s]millimetres[/s]millimeters.

Seqain begins to shimmer and blur again as he turns back into the brown haired boy I had seen in the doorway. I don't like the repetition of ''shimmer and blur'' here. Why not find a similar phrase to replace it?

Language Usage & Writing Style: I had a few problems with this department. First off, you repeated a lot of phrases and words. Try to find similes or similar phrases to replace them with to diversify your writing.
I think you could add a bit more description, but I noticed you improved the thing we talked about last time- y'know, telling vs. showing. So good job heeding advice!
You kept the things I liked- the simplicity, how you did well with your tense, etc.


Imagery & Emotion:This was your biggest problem in your writing. I think you could describe the setting better, because I didn't get that great of an idea of it. Also, you could add a bit more of emotion. Show us some body language, describe tones of voices, etc. Validate things, go into a bit more detail to make sure we get the picture. (:


Characters: I liked your characters, but I don't see Venro or Seqain as evil. I actually thought they were trying to help him at the end by provoking him so he'd get angry and turn into his animal. That's a bit off-topic, but it's an issue I had to tell you about.
As for your characters, adding emotion will surely help to give the reader better knowledge about them. (:


Plot & Storyline: I really like where your plot is going! About that issue I let you know about in "Characters", I'd like it if he figured out they were actually trying to help him when it gets to the next chapter, because I just don't see them as evil. Of course, it is your story, and I can't really dictate how it goes. ^^

Keep writing! Your work is really improving!

Questions? PM me.

Love,
Music

This is one of the first stories I've read on YWS. I really enjoyed it, a brilliant plot where anything could happen next. However I am a freak of detail and would love to know a bit more during the events in the story such as the expressions and thoughts of the other characters.

Please keep up the good work!:D
I look forward to reading the next chapter

Chapter 4

It’s almost twenty to three when I leave Seqain and Venro. The sun has been swamped by dark clouds and it begins to rain heavily. I walk a fair distance away from the house, head bent against the howling wind and rain. Coming to a stop, I sit under a withered tree, its bare and spindly branches offering no shelter at all. I’ll go to Ashuthaka’s at nightfall, I decide. That’ll probably be the best way. I could search through the house quickly and quietly, and be out before Ashuthaka realized I’d even been there. There’s a major flaw to my plan, though. Where will Ashuthaka be when I’m searching through his house? I don’t relish the idea of bumping into him in the dark.

Afternoon comes and goes, and the skies begin to darken, as I put the finishing touches to my plan. Standing up, I stretch and yawn loudly. Then I head towards Ashuthaka’s. After a couple of minutes hard walking, I find myself in front of the house. I step gingerly through the doorway, then stand still in the dining room, listening for any sign that Ashuthaka might be awake. There’s an eerie darkness about the house, my imagination runs wild. I see Ashuthaka everywhere as I creep to the stairs. I’m about to step on to the first stair, when I remember that it creaks. I look up at the flight of stairs despairingly. How am I meant to get up there without bringing Ashuthaka running? My eyes find the banister and I pull myself on to it, crouching, and begin to climb up.

I reach the landing and step softly down into the corridor. My room is the first on the right, so I open the first on the left instead. I poke my head inside and sigh in disappointment. There’s no one in here. Going to the next room on the left, I push open the door, and sharply draw in a breath. There’s someone in here, leaning on the windowsill. I’m about to call out, then I think better of it. I slip inside the room and walk quickly towards the person. I reach out and clamp a hand over the person’s mouth to stop them crying out. Turning the person towards me, I see it’s Felcaw.

“Are you OK?” I ask. He looks at me and I feel a wave of relief. I hug him tightly but then I feel something soak my shirt, making it stick to me. I pull back, my hands instinctively going to my shirt. I bring my fingers up to my eyes, knowing what covers them before I even see it. My hands glisten in the moonlight, wet with blood.

“Felcaw?” My voice is shrill in the silence. He falls forward, his eyes open and unseeing. I push him away, on the edge of hysteria, and my best friend falls to the floor. I back away, my mind refusing to acknowledge what my heart already knows. I’m too late. He’s dead. Felcaw’s eyes bore into me accusingly. You could have prevented this from happening, they say.

I turn around and reach for the door handle. I grasp it and pull, but the door doesn’t open. I yank at it frantically, but it still won’t yield. I’m locked in, with my best friend’s corpse. I can’t take it anymore. Even with my back to the body, I can still feel Felcaw’s eyes on me, merciless and unforgiving. I sink to my knees, my head resting against the cold wooden door. Squeezing my eyes shut, I try in vain to banish the images of my dead friend from my mind. Then I hear light footsteps, reverberating faintly through the solid oak door. It can only be Ashuthaka. I'm cornered. Now I know what a mouse feels like when it has been spotted by a snake. Petrified. Every part of its body screams at it to move, but it’s rooted to the ground by its fear.

The footsteps pace ever closer. They’re almost up to the door when something in my mind begins to smoulder, then bursts into flame. Anger, that’s what it is. I fuel the flames with my fear and stand, head held high. Stepping back from the door a couple of paces, I search for the part of my mind that ignited my anger. It stirs, then abruptly comes to life, filling a hole I never even realized was there. It seems as if I’m a spectator, watching myself shimmer and blur, as a key turns in the lock of the door. I gasp. I’ve changed. I’m…I’m a wolf! All my senses are heightened and I feel as if I could run forever without tiring. I lift my head. Let’s see Ashuthaka do his worst.

Hey! Sorry it took me so long... =/
I fell off the edge of the world. Yes. There's an edge. XD
So, here goes

Standing up, I stretch and yawn loudly. Then I head towards Ashu’s.

Combine these two sentences.

My eyes find the banister and I pull myself on to it, then, crouching, begin to climb up.

Oooh. Very creative. Explain how hard/easy it was for him.

My room is the first on the right so I open the first on the left instead.

Ehrmm... why? I thought he was looking to get out?


So, as you can see, not many mistakes that I could catch. This chapter was pretty short, though. Whyyyyy? Its not very nice keeping chapters short and readers in suspense.
Anyhoo... personally I'm not so sure about this chapter... it was a good one, don't get me wrong. Just maybe a little too short for my tastes.
Let me know when you get the next part up.
Hope I helped.
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