z

Young Writers Society


An Invitation to a Party



User avatar
863 Reviews

Supporter


Gender: Male
Points: 2090
Reviews: 863
Tue Jan 06, 2009 9:41 am
Griffinkeeper says...



This is mostly writing practice, but maybe it will lead somewhere.

Grif entered his office. The lights came on automatically, revealing just how messy the room was. Paper with hastily scribbled notes and calculations covered the floor and most of the tables.

"Adelaide, please load up the last design and put it on the main screen," Grif said out loud.

"Loading it now. Also, You've got four new messages," the AI responded. The design appeared on screen.

"Anything interesting?" Grif asked.

"One is from dictionary.com, the word of the day is 'Beleaguer' it means-"

"To surround with troops, beseige. Delete it." Grif said, without looking away from the display.

"There is another one from the International Community of Moderators, they are holding a fundraising-"

"Delete it." Grif said, manipulating the design with his hands.

"The YWS Literary Journal is coming out with another volume-"

"Order it." Grif said.

"The last one is an invitation for a party. It's being held at Mr. Spade's house."

"Inform Mr. Spade that I won't be attending," Grif said as he worked.

"I don't know. A party could do you a lot of good. Good food, pleasant people, more than a few accommodating ladies, not to mention the dances..." Adelaide said slyly.

"You and I both know that I can't dance," Grif said.

"You don't exactly spend the time to learn. Even so, there may be some lady there that catches your fancy." Grif fumbled around with the design, twisting it to a different angle.

"Such as?"

"Ms. Hart, for example," Adelaide said with a smile. Grif stopped working, then cursed silently.

"So you do like her. Interesting," Adelaide said. Grif turned back to the design.

"Your interest in my personal life is well beyond the scope of your operating parameters," Grif said.

"You're blushing."

"I'm frustrated with the design."

"Don't lie. How long have you liked her?" Adelaide prodded. Grif growled.

"A couple of years now. If you say one word about it, I will erase you line by line."

"A couple of years! What are you waiting for?" Adelaide exclaimed.

"Ms. Adelaide, there are more forces at work here than I have time to explain. The time was not right then and it isn't right now."

"How about 6:00 P.M next Saturday?" Adelaide asked. Grif stopped working again. Then, with a quick wave of his hand, the design was saved and disappeared from the screen.

"I guess we'll have to find out. Let Mr. Spade know that I'll be attending," Grif said, leaving the room.
Moderator Emeritus (frozen in carbonite.)
  





User avatar
106 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1361
Reviews: 106
Fri Jan 09, 2009 9:22 pm
nixonblitzen says...



I love this.

From the first minute I looked at it, I liked it. It was readable, sparse, hardly a word out of place. You clearly have control over your writing.

My favorite part was the way Grif is busying himself, like he is to busy for this conversation, like he is probably too busy for Ms. Hart. It's amazing how much characterization you fit in just by describing the messy office, how he growled and cursed, how he whisked in and out within a moment's time, how he fumbled with the design, already knew the dictionary.com word of the day.

"You and I both know that I can't dance," Grif said.


How does Ms. Adelaide know? : )

I am in awe of this piece. I can't find a single thing wrong with it, other than that I am not particularly fond of the word "slyly." Bravo!

rachel
"He found his voice tended either to disappear or to come out too loud." -William Golding
  





User avatar
798 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 17580
Reviews: 798
Fri Jan 09, 2009 10:40 pm
View Likes
Areida says...



Ohhhh Ms. Hart is it?

How interesting.... I'll be checking for updates of our hero's infatuation periodically - you can't abandon this one, Griffy! You must follow it through to its conclusion so that we may all learn of how the story ends. Will he go to the party? Will he leave early? Will he attempt to dance? Will "Ms. Hart" even show? Are they destined to be together???

Oh the tension.

hehe. Yay Grif!
Got YWS?

"Most of us have far more courage than we ever dreamed we possessed."
- Dale Carnegie
  





User avatar
863 Reviews

Supporter


Gender: Male
Points: 2090
Reviews: 863
Sat Jan 10, 2009 9:25 am
Griffinkeeper says...



I'm thinking of rewriting this piece. I like the dialogue well enough, but the action doesn't really do anything but occupy space.
Moderator Emeritus (frozen in carbonite.)
  





User avatar
3821 Reviews

Supporter


Gender: Female
Points: 3491
Reviews: 3821
Sat Jan 10, 2009 9:35 am
Snoink says...



Ew.

"To surround with troops, beseige. Delete it." Grif said, without looking away from the display.

SHOULD BE

"To surround with troops, beseige. Delete it," Grif said, without looking away from the display.

See? Difference!

There are a couple other periods at the end of quotations that should be ended with commas that, if you don't fix, I'll have to kill you. But you knew that.

Um... is this the Hart I think you're talking about? XD
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D
  





User avatar
576 Reviews

Supporter


Gender: Male
Points: 6371
Reviews: 576
Sat Jan 10, 2009 6:52 pm
View Likes
Ego says...



Um... is this the Hart I think you're talking about? XD


Duh.

Grif! You need a character other than yourself :P
Got YWS? I do.

Lumi: Don't you drag my donobby into this.
Lumi: He's the sweetest angel this side of hades.
  








You can cut all the flowers, but you cannot stop Spring from coming.
— Pablo Neruda