Young Writers Society

3/Samson

The slums lined her path. Ramshackle structures that consisted of sheets of corrugated metal stacked atop each other at awkward angles, and behind them the old brick buildings, each threatening to topple over at any moment, their mortar eaten away by years of rainfall and neglect. Gaping holes stared out at her, the remnants of windows that had been torn away for their glass to be used elsewhere. Klar shuddered a little at the knowledge that there were people living inside, with their homes on the perpetual edge of collapse.

Dust stirred up beneath her feet as her heavy boots scarped along the earthen floor, footsteps echoing in the quiet. Last time she was here, last time it had been a bustle of noise and life and motion. The stillness was both unexpected and unsettling. There people there, yes, gaunt mucky faces with eyes that narrowed at the silver and purple hues of her uniform. Klar tapped her fingers on the clipboard still tucked underneath her arm, and clucked inside her mouth. Evidently she was still unwelcome to some degree, in all places high and low.

It was as she neared the Core that it first hit her, a vile putrid smell that forced its way into her senses and stirred up a sickness in her stomach. Klar gagged, covering her mouth as she retched. It was like something had been left to rot for a very long time, and the unearthly stench only grew with intensity, near unbearable by the time the reached the brick-wrapped walls of the core sector.

As she stumbled inside Klar took a deep breath and then regretted doing so. She'd expected the air inside the governmental building to be fresh and crisp, or to have that inviting earthy appeal that normally welcomed her when she was down at these levels. Instead there was the same smell, ever invasive, ever nauseating.

And yet the man sat at the desk seemed to be totally unphased.

"Hello," Klar said, choking out her words, "I've come to, to collect an engineer."

"We can't spare any at the moment. For reasons you might find rather obvious," he said coolly, with a stiffness to his voice that did nothing but irk Klar.

"Hey, I'm just doing what I've, what I've been told to do. And honestly, how on earth can you put up with this wretched smell?"

He sighed, as if that too should have been obvious, and pointed a finger to his face. In that space between his lips and his nose was a line of thick green paste. At first she'd mistaken it for a moustache, with her own hair being near enough the same shade.

"Menthol paste," she said as it clicked into place and finally made sense, "hey, could I borrow some?"

"You want to borrow some?" His brow narrowed, "You do realise what menthol is, don't you?"

"A compound extracted from mint oils. Has anaes, anaesthetic properties. Tastes pretty nice. Why?"

She took a secret satisfaction at the shocked expression on his face as he passed the paste over. It was heavy and sticky, and tingled her skin as she spread it under her nose. The rotten smell was still there, faint in the background, but was thankfully overpowered by distilled mint.

"So I've no chance of borrowing an engineer for the day?"

"I don't have any to spare to some Midriff, we've got near enough a system melt-down on our hands here."

Klar growled, bringing up her clipboard to hit her forehead in frustration. Why now, why of all times, did she have to be faced with some man that had no idea who she was.

"You don't understand," she began, but her cut her off before she could explain herself,

"No, you don't understand. Do you think that we can just throw out engineers like candy?" He snapped, standing to his feel and slamming his fists down on the desk, "I don't care if you're from high up and I don't care who you work for; I'm not about to give you an essential part of our workforce because need to fix a leaking tap, or whatever other trivial worry it is that you want fixing!"

"Now now, Noxus," Came a deep voice with a familiarity that made Klar break out into a wide grin, "honestly, have you no manners?"

"Samson!" She exclaimed, and turned to wave at the burly fellow.

"It's been a while, Klar," he said, moustache twitching as he spoke. It was coated in the green paste. "what brings you down here?"

"The elevator's broken, apparently," she replied, rolling her eyes, "Wolke demands that I bring back an engineer to get it fixed, although to be frank they'll have probably sorted it out by the time I get back. But if you have anyone to spare, then, y'know,"

"I think I know someone that can help you out, my little Agri," Samson said, chuckling a little, "Noxus, go get Null for me please."

"So," Klar swung back and forth on the balls of her feet while they waited, "what's going on that's got everyone into a fluster like this?"

"It's the core," Samson said with a deep sigh, the joviality in his face fast slipping away, "it's been decades since we last had it malfunction like this, sanitation's been hit the hardest. Glasstops are breathing down our necks wanting it fixed now, and right now."

"That sounds, well, it smells terrible too. If it's so serious, can you really spare this guy?"

"Null's in need of a break. We've had him in the underground pipes the last month or so, it'll do him the world of good to get out and about a little," Samson assured her.

Noxus returned not long later, accompanied by shuffling feet.

Null was much thinner that Klar had expected, and she was sure that it was his bones that she could see, jutting out at awkward angles under his heavy clothes. Any exposed part of him was near caked in dirt, and he seemed unable to bring his eyes to meet her face.

"Hey, I'm Klar. Nice to meet you."

A mumbled reply.

"Take care of him for me," Samson said.

"Don't worry, it takes more than a mud coated engineer to scare me," she replied, and gave him a jaunty salute, before ushering Null out of the building, and back out into the slums for the trip home.

________

What's this? Time for an annual update! Haha XD Hopefully now Klar and Null have finally been brought together I might start writing faster; who knows I might make it to two parts a year

I have the feeling that this part is quite boring, a bit dialouge heavy, and repetative, so if you pick up on any of that sound the alarms and let me know!

And I know the difference between the core and the Core is confusing. I keep confusing myself over it. So that'll be sorted out once I figure out a suitable replacement for one of the two XD

The slums lined her path. Ramshackle structures that consisted of sheets of corrugated metal stacked atop each other at awkward angles, and behind them the old brick buildings, each threatening to topple over at any moment, their mortar eaten away by years of rainfall and neglect. Gaping holes stared out at her, the remnants of windows that had been torn away for their glass to be used elsewhere. Klar shuddered a little at the knowledge that there were people living inside, with their homes on the perpetual edge of collapse. (Great description!)

Dust stirred up beneath her feet as her heavy boots scarped along the earthen floor, footsteps echoing in the quiet. Last time she was here, last time it had been a bustle of noise and life and motion. The stillness was both unexpected and unsettling. There people there (This line is confusing), yes, gaunt mucky faces with eyes that narrowed at the silver and purple hues of her uniform. Klar tapped her fingers on the clipboard still tucked underneath her arm, and clucked inside her mouth. Evidently she was still unwelcome to some degree, in all places high and low.

It was as she neared the Core that it first hit her (I suggest rephrasing it like this: When she neared the Core, it hit her.); a vile putrid smell that forced its way into her senses and stirred up a sickness in her stomach. Klar gagged, covering her mouth as she retched. It was like something had been left to rot for a very long time, and the unearthly stench only grew with intensity, near unbearable by the time the (? Do you mean "she") reached the brick-wrapped walls of the core sector.

As she stumbled inside, Klar took a deep breath and then regretted doing so. She'd expected the air inside the governmental building to be fresh and crisp, or to have that inviting earthy appeal that normally welcomed her when she was down at these levels. Instead there was the same smell, ever invasive, ever nauseating. (Whew! To take a deep breath in that! Really disgusting. Good job so far with the senses!)

And yet the man sat at the desk seemed to be totally unphased.

"Hello," Klar said, choking out her words, "I've come to, to collect an engineer."

"We can't spare any at the moment. For reasons you might find rather obvious," he said coolly, with a stiffness to his voice that did nothing but irk Klar.

"Hey, I'm just doing what I've, what I've been told to do. And honestly, how on earth can you put up with this wretched smell?"

He sighed, as if that too should have been obvious, and pointed a finger to his face. In that space between his lips and his nose was a line of thick green paste. At first she'd mistaken it for a moustache, with her own hair being near enough the same shade.

"Menthol paste," she said as it clicked into place and finally made sense, "hey, could I borrow some?"

"You want to borrow some?" His brow narrowed, "You do realise what menthol is, don't you?"

"A compound extracted from mint oils. Has anaes, anaesthetic properties. Tastes pretty nice. Why?"

She took a secret satisfaction at the shocked expression on his face as he passed the paste over. It was heavy and sticky, and tingled her skin as she spread it under her nose. The rotten smell was still there, faint in the background, but was thankfully overpowered by distilled mint.

"So I've no chance of borrowing an engineer for the day?"

"I don't have any to spare to some Midriff, we've got near enough a system melt-down on our hands here."

Klar growled, bringing up her clipboard to hit her forehead in frustration. Why now, why of all times, did she have to be faced with some man that had no idea who she was.

"You don't understand," she began, but her cut her off before she could explain herself,

"No, you don't understand. Do you think that we can just throw out engineers like candy?" He snapped, standing to his feel and slamming his fists down on the desk, "I don't care if you're from high up and I don't care who you work for; I'm not about to give you an essential part of our workforce because need to fix a leaking tap, or whatever other trivial worry it is that you want fixing!"

"Now now, Noxus," Came a deep voice with a familiarity that made Klar break out into a wide grin, "honestly, have you no manners?"

"Samson!" she (You should put Klar's name here because I wasn't sure who called this out)exclaimed, and turned to wave at the burly fellow.

"It's been a while, Klar," he said, moustache twitching as he spoke. It was coated in the green paste. "what brings you down here?"

"The elevator's broken, apparently," she replied, rolling her eyes, "Wolke demands that I bring back an engineer to get it fixed, although to be frank they'll have probably sorted it out by the time I get back. But if you have anyone to spare, then, y'know,"
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(Hey little tin fish! I thought this was really unique, esp the beginning with all the descriptions that brought my senses alive. I want to read more b/c I felt that you've left the readers hanging, haha. I offered my suggestions above. I hope they're helpful.)

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I loved the menthol paste! Seriously, if that isn't the coolest solution I have ever heard, I don't know what is! I've actually done this before, though I don't remember with what. It was great seeing a low cost solution to something! Though, it is weird that they would just try to block out the smell rather than fix the problem. But as it sort of characterizes the place (the slums, methinks?) it was just plain wicked awesome. *applauds*

"A compound extracted from mint oils. Has anaes, anaesthetic properties. Does Klar have a stutter or is "anaesthetic" just hard for her to pronounce? *knows some people who can't say "aluminumn"*) Tastes pretty nice. Why?"

She took a secret satisfaction at the shocked expression on his face as he passed the paste over.[b]Why exactly is he surprised? Is it because she knows what methol is? *is a little confused*

Again, marvelous world building. This actually reminds me a tad of "Mortal Engines" by Philip Reeves, simply because of the apparent caste system (is there really one, or am I just reading things into it that aren't there?) and the bowels of the place. Very nice.

I must say, my favorite part so far is your style, though Klar is definitely growing on me more since the first part. I love how you don't stop too much to describe the systems, but let them reveal themselves as you continue with the story. It is seriously so refreshing to find a sci-fi story that focuses on the story rather than the mechanics of their "uber cool oooh lookie how it works!" gadgets. And yet you do describe them, but so woven in that you hardly notice. Top notch, I must say.

My biggest critique would be the same thing I pointed out in my last review about the commas and whatnot in the dialogue. It was really obvious in this chapter, due to the amount of dialogue and I actually found it really irritating. That's just my crabby self overreacting to the nitpicks, but it does need to be fixed.

Looking forward to more! I'd like to see it before next year... *wink wink nudge nudge*

*thumbs up* Keep on truckin'!

~GryphonFledgling

Thanks much for taking a look at this, and at the previous parts too, Gryphon. Commas and dialogue are my mortal enemy, so I'll have to have a good takle at that XD and yes, there is supposed to be a sort of caste system going on there

If either of you ever want me to take a look at anything in return, just give me a holler!