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Young Writers Society


28th (wrking title)



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Mon Oct 13, 2008 9:50 pm
The Cheshire Cat says...



Another project I am considering doing after I finish "Blithe Bereavement". It's a little boring because this is just the prologue, but please enjoy anyway. :)
Theme song for this chapter: YOUTUBE LINK

____________________________________________


People tell me I’m insane. They tell me that it’s not worth the risk. They say I should never try again. They tell me I should go home, go to sleep, and never return to this life. These people have never played Yun. They’ve never felt that rush that starts in your gut and works its way up into your soul. They’ve never felt that satisfying ‘twack’ that resonates through the mountain when you bring down an opponent. They will never know the intense high you get from winning. They’ve never truly lived.
Yun has been played for about half a century, twenty years after The Overtaking. Earth had frozen over, and football, soccer, or golf became distant dreams. Humans needed a way to entertain themselves, and thus, Yun was born. It was invented by a Japanese woman named Yoko Himamori and her husband, Jun, in early 2042. The game started out exclusively in Japan, but soon it became a world sport. People all over the world began creating teams. Russia, America, Canada, Australia, Iceland, Mongolia…soon each and every person on earth had heard about this game. A team will start out with a team leader, who then will travel to bases around the world, recruiting members for his group. Five is the max, though many people have hundreds of relief players. Casualties tend to be high.
Every two years, the Kamikaze Tournament is played. Three guesses why they call it that. There are 20 starter mountains over the world, each near a large city or country. Hundreds of teams hopeful to win the Kamikaze cup flock to these mountains, where the first Yun games of the season are preformed. The teams race down the mountains on Kranes, which I’m told are a lot like antique snowboards, only more durable. Players are allowed one weapon of their choice (the most popular being a hammer), and the goal is for each team to collect as many disks as possible. Disks are placed on player’s backs, and the color varies from team to team. Obstacles are placed in the way of the players, like jumps, walls, or the occasional frozen cadaver of a loser. The team that makes it down the mountain with the most disks (or the last team standing) wins, and moves on to the next match.
There are many age groups that play Yun. From the elementary league full of hyperactive 8 year olds to the senior league of the burned out ex-players, Yun is a much loved sport. However, everyone knows that we are the best and most entertaining to watch. And by ‘we’ I mean the Adolescent League. The ages in our group range from 15 to 18, and gather the most attention. Take a handful of hormonal teenagers and give them weapons and things are bound to get interesting. Tabloid magazines spew out rumors of love matches or quarrels between rival teams and fly off the shelves. Kindergartners wear mini jerseys with our names painted across. Men bet on us and women swoon over us. We are the players of the Kamikaze League.
Most of you probably guessed by now that I play the game. Or that I’m a hardcore fan. I assure you, it’s the former. My name is Kean Lerrios. I used to be captain of the Spinners. My members were the best of the best. We had beat down every team that dared to challenge us. We were family. Jerry, Emma, Jake, Nirir and I. Together, we had made it to the second to last round of the Kamikaze League.
Then they died.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Goldfinger: No Mister Bond, I expect you to die!
  





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Fri Oct 17, 2008 12:47 am
Titch123 says...



I think this is a really interesting concept for a story and would be interested to see how it progresses if you decide to run with it.

Just a couple of things i picked up on while i was reading through:

Men bet on us and women swoon over us

women swooning over 15 year olds? thats a quite wrong lol, i'm not sure if you meant girls or if it was supposed to be like that, but just a thought.


Obstacles are placed in the way of the players, like jumps, walls, or the occasional frozen cadaver of a lose

Cadaver? thats very medical maybe a different word like corpse would be better.

Oh and i love the short sentences at the beggining very effective

keep writing
Titch x
Writing Is Easy All You Have Do Is Stare At A Blank Piece Of Paper Till Your Forehead Bleeds- Sue Townsend
  





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Sat Oct 25, 2008 3:32 pm
Clup91 says...



WOW.
I don't usually like science fiction stories, in fact I don't like them much AT ALL but I really got intersted with this story. I love it! I like the idea of the game, the feel of the main character, and the whole excitement of the game. Yun sounds so fun, and the setting has been crafted really well.
I think maybe, perhaps...POSSIBLY the time and view of humans should be described a little more, maybe when you write more...you see, I expect more of this story. Can you believe it?! Not only have you got me into science-fiction, but you've got me wanting MORE of it!!
Seriously, you NEED to write more of this story, and if you have, tell me!
>.<
Keep it Old Skool.
  





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Sat Oct 25, 2008 5:12 pm
Bickazer says...



This is a fascinating idea; I'll be the first to say that. In particular, I love your first paragraph. I love how it unapologetically drags us straight into the universe, without stopping to explain things to us--we have to find out ourselves. I love the very sensory way your main character describes the game; it truly makes us the readers feel like we're playing the game. Good job. ^^

That being said, I don't like the rest of this. Quite simply, while you've got one hell of an idea here (and I mean that in a good way), you're info-dumping on it. This chapter builds nothing on to the story (if it is a chapter). It doesn't cause the narrative to progress at all. It reads much more like a blurb or, worse, a history text, than a story. The worst kind of science fiction stories are the ones that shove all the worldbuilding information in our faces and leave us gasping for breath, without telling a story at all. You shouldn't do that. You should naturally integrate any of this information in the story. I'm sure there are writers who will explain it better, and in fact, you might want to look up articles on description because they will help you a lot with incorporating this information naturally in the actual narrative.

Here's a suggestion on how to begin--instead of infodumping on Yun, open with us right in the middle of a game. Just like your first paragraph, don't give us any time to wonder what's going on before you throw us smack dab in the middle of an exhilarating game of Yun. Then slowly drop little tidbits of explanation while the game's occurring.

I'm not dissing your concept, because you've got quite an interesting and original one and I for one can't wait to see where it goes. You definitely seem to be a good writer for exciting action scenes, if the first paragraph is anything to go by, so I'm looking forward to your description of an actual game. However, I'm sure there are much better ways to introduce us to a concept than by a massive infodump. ^^ I wish you the best of luck in your endeavors!
Ah, it is an empty movement. That is an empty movement. It is.
  








I also wish you good mouth rocks
— figget