Young Writers Society

It has been a year and three months since the Election of 2096, which arguably was the worst event in America's history since the Great Depression of 2037. The election President Bernard had expected by the population of the US, but we didn't think he would represent the United States they we he is now. Bernard seemed like the President who would make America a total dreamland. He promised better economy,better freedom, more work for minorities, and that's not the end of it. People of the United States were expected to flee the country to escape the recessed economy and strict laws passed by President Bernard and the branches of the system. Due to the Foreign Flee Acts citizens of the US who were originally born in America were not eligible to leave America. People who were here were stuck here;at least until he was out of office. He was the person who controlled the country, what could we do. The military was not as strong as it was in the early twentieth century. Since then America had lost four states due to war with Iraq. We had been in their territory so they brought the fight to our American soil. Florida, Maryland, Virginia, and Connecticut had been the target of an all out missile attack from Al Qaeda; they really showed us the meaning of weapons of mass destruction. America was not called the World Police or considered one of the strongest militias in the world. We lacked the manpower to intervene in other nations conflicts.

There had always been talk of a so called Uprising. The people who wanted to get the nation back to the way it was before. They supposedly spent the one year and three months planning to overtake President Bernard and the White House which was now located and rebuilt in Sacramento, California due to the destruction and devastation of the East side of the forty six states.

The story is good for a prologue, but there are a few issues both stylistically (is that a word? it would be embarrassing if it wasn't) and grammatically.
In the beginning, you say "a year and 3 months". I, personally, think that "over a year" would fit better.
Rename "The Great Depression", maybe "The Second Great Depression" (or maybe the third, the way the economy is going now...).
The 2nd sentence is pretty mangled grammatically. I think you mean : "The people of the U.S. had expected President Bernard to be elected, but they hadn't expected him to lead the country the way he did."
Instead of "total dreamland", put in utopia, paradise, or something along those lines.

He promised better economy,better freedom, more work for minorities, and that's not the end of it.

He promised a better economy, more freedom, more work for minorities, and much more.

You then jump right into people fleeing America, without telling us what happened with President Bernard's promises.

People of the United States were expected to flee the country to escape the recessed economy and strict laws passed by President Bernard and the branches of the system. Due to the Foreign Flee Acts citizens of the US who were originally born in America were not eligible to leave America.

These two sentences seem to contradict each other. I'm not quite sure what you mean.
You keep on switching from "people of the United States" and such and "we". It's very unclear.

We had been in their territory so they brought the fight to our American soil.

Try: "We had invaded their territory, so they returned the favor by attacking us"
Also, why Florida, Virginia, Maryland, and Connecticut? I understand Washington D.C., but why not Philadelphia, New York, etc.

America was not called the World Police or considered one of the strongest militias in the world.

America had lost its status of "World Police" and was no longer considered to have a strong military

Then, you jump right to the Uprising. Maybe add a sentence in between, like "People everywhere were unhappy, but no one really had the courage to revolt" or something like that.

So, it's a good idea for a story. Keep working on it =D

Like Uber said, this is a good idea for a story, although it seems a little half-baked. While Uber focused on specifics, I'll take a more broad approach to the story.

I'll start off with the good: Like a good Sci-Fi author, you are taking modern ideals, society and events, and bringing to the extreme. That is something that is lost on so-called Sci-Fi authors; Sci-Fi is about exaggerating flaws in today's society by having a future where those flaws are to the extreme, and showing today's society that things are wrong. Now, you are more or less paralleling the upcoming election, and although that's not quite what a Sci-Fi story should be, you have a lot to learn. Now the bad.

You need to expound on President Bernard. He promised all of these things, but suddenly he starts passing laws against the people, the economy is recessed, and people are trying to flee. What happened? When he took office he just started making these laws? And how did they pass through Congress and the Supreme Court, unless the Constitution was ripped up between now and then?

Second, Why did Al Queda attack the US at random? Guidance systems malfunctioning? Florida, Virginia, and Connecticut are hardly worth bombing; there's nothing there would severely disrupt the US economy. And you need to explain why Al Queda attacked the US in general; these attacks are 90 years in the future or so; some one had to have done something to today's terrorist organizations. I mean, Nazis were only 60-70 years ago.

I assume the Uprising is what the story will be focused on, and being so, there needs to be more information. This "Prologue" seems to just kind of stop; it feels like there should be so much more to the explanation of the Uprising besides they want Bernard out of government. And how did they know that the President was a bad man when he was elected? Bills take some time to pass (except for the major ones, and even those take a week or so), and I'm sure that some one who preached benevolence wouldn't turn around and massacre the crowd at his inauguration speech.

Overall, this could be a good story, if you work hard and fill the 3 plot holes I've ripped open (there could be more, but I don't really want to write about them). This idea, although slightly generic, could be great in the right hands and with the right ideas. I just hoped for a little more back story than what I got from this "Prologue".

hey, check out mine. [: I bet it's not as good as yours.

Magic Hands wrote:It has been a year and three months since the Election of 2096, which arguably was the worst event in America's history since the Great Depression of 2037. The election President Bernard had expected by the population of the US, but we didn't think he would represent the United States they we he is now.

...what...what is this?? i couldn't even critique this first section because i didn't understand a word of it. moving on...

Bernard seemed like the President who would make America a total dreamland. He promised better economy,better freedom, more work for minorities, and that's not the end of it. People of the United States were expected to flee the country to escape the recessed economy and strict laws passed by President Bernard and the branches of the system. Due to the Foreign Flee Acts citizens of the US who were originally born in America were not eligible to leave America. People who were here were stuck here;at least until he was out of office. He was the person who controlled the country, what could we do.

so the president promises everything in the world and then makes laws that are exactly the opposite? are people in the future this idiotic, or maybe there's been a big nuclear accident that's shrunken the brains of everyone in the nation and that's why they're so stupid? also, how does the president control the country if Congress exists? if it doesn 't then EXPLAIN WHAT HAPPENED, because this is the most random paragraph in your prologue so far.

The military was not as strong as it was in the early twentieth century. Since then America had lost four states due to war with Iraq. We had been in their territory so they brought the fight to our American soil. Florida, Maryland, Virginia, and Connecticut had been the target of an all out missile attack from Al Qaeda; they really showed us the meaning of weapons of mass destruction. America was not called the World Police or considered one of the strongest militias in the world. We lacked the manpower to intervene in other nations conflicts.

right, so the insurgents loaded onto a boat and sailed into the US harbor, managing to overpower the army / national guard and capture some of the most heavily defended states in the nation. either our military commanders are braindead or the insurgents have some kind of supreme magic power because thats literally the only way this situation could happen.

if al qaeda attacked with nukes, then the united states would collapse right then and there and would lose all sorts of governmental control, becoming an anarchy. in this scenario, how the heck does president Bernard or whatever enforce his laws so harshly and completely? in order for a secure dictatorship, you have to have a relatively stable country in the first place, or at least one not consumed by lawlessness.

There had always been talk of a so called Uprising. The people who wanted to get the nation back to the way it was before. They supposedly spent the one year and three months planning to overtake President Bernard and the White House

overtake? like in a motorcycle race? wow, that's a pretty neat way of winning a revolution.

which was now located and rebuilt in Sacramento, California due to the destruction and devastation of the East side of the forty six states.

random random random. what happened to LA, Seattle, etc? those cities would be much more equipped to be hosts for the capital of the country. also, if this is the end of your prologue, its so awkwardly finished that the reader will nottake you seriously.

yeah, this entire story made me laugh and not in a good way. i suggest deleting everything and starting from scratch. this time please think about what your writing and if its even possible in the world that you describe. thank you!

I Agree with everyone above, you may want to restart, but I lie the concept of the story over all.

Good Lord. This is probably the first time I'll say this, but prologues are meant to be a little vague, to make the reader wonder; one, whats going on; two, whats going to happen next. This prologue is good but states everything in the first page! Only put the important "makes me wonder what's going on" stuff in prologue. THEN after readers are pretty much dying for more you start the next chapter.

ILL CORRECT AS I GO ALONG::;

Magic Hands wrote:It has been a year and three months since the Election of 2096, which arguably was the worst event in America's history since the Great Depression of 2037. The election President Bernard had expected by the population of the US, but we didn't think he would represent the United States they we WAY he is now (<THIS SENTENCE DOESN'T REALLY MAKE SENSE.) Bernard seemed like the President who would make America a total dreamland. He promised better economy,better freedom, more work for minorities, and that's not the end of it.(WHOA WHERE DID THIS COME FROM IT WENT FROM GOOD STRAIGHT TO BAD...MIGHT WANT TO ADD AN EXTRA SENTENCE TO INTRODUCE THE PRESIDENTS "CHANGE OF HEART") People of the United States were expected to flee the country to escape the recessed economy and strict laws passed by President Bernard and the branches of the system.(<IF THEY WERE EXPECTED TO FLEE THEN HOW COME THEY COULDN'T A LITTLE CONFUSING...) Due to the Foreign Flee Acts citizens of the US who were originally born in America were not eligible to leave America. People who were here were stuck here;at least until he was out of office. He was the person who controlled the country, what could we do. The military was not as strong as it was in the early twentieth century. Since then America had lost four states due to war with Iraq. We had been in their territory so they brought the fight to our American soil. Florida, Maryland, Virginia, and Connecticut had been the target of an all out missile attack from Al Qaeda; they really showed us the meaning of weapons of mass destruction. America was not called the World Police or considered one of the strongest militias in the world. We lacked the manpower to intervene in other nations conflicts.

There had always been talk of a so called Uprising. The people who wanted to get the nation back to the way it was before. They supposedly spent [s]the[/s] one year and three months planning to overtake President Bernard and the White House COMMA which was now located and rebuilt in Sacramento, California due to the destruction and devastation of the East side of the forty six states.

OK YOU HAVE A COUPLE RUN-ON SENTENCE BUT BESIDES THAT IT'S STRAIGHT. a LIL SHORT FOR A PROLOGUE SO I HOPE THERE IS MORE.
THE STORY LINE IS A DECENT IDEA
I WANT TO READ MORE TO GET A BETTER UNDERSTANDING
HOPE I WASNT HARSH (:


MUCH LOV3


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