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A Higher Race part 2



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Thu Sep 25, 2008 4:24 am
Nutty says...



Part one: topic35891.html


“Come on, Ryan, clean up time.”
Ryan pouted. “No.”
Jasmine sighed, and reached for the child’s hand, which was promptly hidden under the table. Instead, she grabbed Ryan under the arms and hoisted him up to her level. Ryan sighed and folded his arms, imitating one of his father’s moods. “I don’t want to be clean.”
“Nonsense. You can’t go to bed like that.”
Ryan frowned. He knew that his mother was right, that if he went to bed with his face still sticky from pudding he would be covered in itchy fluff by morning. But he still didn’t like the idea of a bath.
Ryan studied Jasmine’s face, knowing she would throw him in kicking and screaming if she had to. Suddenly, his face broke into a smile, and he put on his sweetest voice. “Mummy?”
“Yes, Ryan?” Jasmine tucked the boy onto her hip and headed for the shower room.
“If I be good, can I have a biscuit before bed?”
Jasmine sighed. “Maybe.”
Ryan frowned, and stiffened in her arms. He stayed tense and unco-operative as she set his feet on the cold tile floor, and refused to help to get undressed, forcing Jasmine to manipulate each limb out of their coverings respectively. Eventually, Ryan stood naked, defiant and shivering next to the large bath.
Water flowed constantly, disappearing into a mesh grill set into one end, to be filtered, cleansed heated and lightly scented before making its way to the opposite end, where a miniature waterfall flowed steadily into the eggshell blue tub. Soaps lined a small shelf, and shower jets were set in the walls. Jasmine tested the water, tapping a small screen set on the wall next to the bath, and instantly the water grew warmer.
Turning to study her son, she sighed. “Please, Ryan, into the bath.”
Ryan frowned. “If you give me a biscuit afterwards. The chocolate kind.”
“You know you’re not supposed to… oh, alright then. Just one, though.”
Ryan’s face transformed into a wide grin, and he happily jumped into the gently flowing water, sending water down his mother’s top.
Jasmine sighed, grabbing the soap. A mixture of happiness, good humor and despair welled up in her chest, and she resigned herself to half an hour of struggling to catch the laughing boy, no doubt resulting in her being soaked by the time he was dried. Let the fun begin.

------

The screens flickered, following the boy’s movements. They currently showed him happily demolishing a chocolate-chip biscuit with small, even teeth. There was another shoved in his pajama pocket, snuck while his mother was momentarily distracted with retrieving the boy’s dropped stuffed bunny.
“He looks promising.” The man tapped the screen, re-winding it to play the bath scene again. “He knows how to get what he wants.” Doctor Jones rubbed his lip thoughtfully, glancing behind him for support.
Another, a woman, stepped closer to the screens. “A lot of kids figure that out.” She swept a blonde lock out of her eyes, deep brown and thoughtful. “What makes him so special?”
Dr Jones laughed. “Maybe they do, but not many are as determined. And fewer create their own distractions.”
“If you are sure. He will be brought in for further testing?”
“I believe so. If I am wrong, then he will be returned to his family. But if we ignore what we see now, they may develop into leadership skills, surely wasted with the laborers.”
“And then we know what would happen.”
Dr Jones looked uncomfortable. “That would be unfortunate. Don’t you think it a bit harsh….?” He saw the warning look in her eyes, and sighed. “I guess not. We can’t have anarchy in the streets, as there surely would if we let someone slip through with the simpler people.”
“Absolutely right, Doctor. Well done.”
Doctor Jones sighed and turned away from his supervisor, his eyes settling back on the young blonde boy, happily snuggling into bed and giving his mother a goodnight kiss, the smuggled biscuit now safely in his pillowcase.
“No. We cannot let such a mind slip through.”

----
Jasmine looked up sharply. The door was still vibrating from the knocks it withstood.
Annoyance flared in her eyes. Those damn prankster kids. Wait till they got to school. Then they would know discipline. She turned back to her movie. Entertainment was easy and free to all, and Jasmine had time to take advantage of it. The knocks came again, more urgent this time.
Jasmine frowned, and rose to her feet. The kids didn’t usually risk it twice. Her heart sped up slightly, her hand resting on the doorknob.
“Mrs Bright? It’s the Doctor.”
A mixture of relief and apprehension washed over Jasmine, and she opened the door. “What’s the problem, Doctor?”
“May I come in?”
Jasmine stood aside, allowing the man inside. It had been a week since his last visit, and Jasmine had almost forgotten that he would be studying their everyday life. His dress was more formal today, his shoes polished and his shirt ironed, jeans replaced by trousers. He smiled slightly. “I have some good news.”
Jasmine swallowed, unsure whether the news would be so great at all. He continued,
“We have decided to accept Ryan for further testing.”
Jasmine nodded, pride warring with fear. She glanced around, to where Ryan was happily sorting his toy animals into groups, first by size, then colour, then the first letter of their name, and finally by the names that rhymed. It was one of his favourite games, and he seemed to make a new category each time he played.
Turning back to the doctor, Jasmine forced a smile. “That’s great news, when will he be going?”
“Now. We will supply all he needs. If he fails, you will have him back tomorrow.”
Jasmine swallowed. “Now? But… his father…”
“I’m sorry. It’s the way it has to be.”
The doctor nodded to someone outside, and a woman with blonde hair and deep brown eyes stepped inside, nodding briefly to Jasmine. “Sara Heart. I will be overseeing your son’s case.”
Before Jasmine could protest, she had swept past her into the living room, stopping and saying something to Ryan that Jasmine couldn’t hear.
“Mrs Bright? He will be fine with us.”
Jasmine turned back to the doctor, biting her lip against the panicked tears forming at the corners of her eyes. She wasn’t used to dealing with stress; her life had been made easy by the same people who were now taking her son. “But…”
“Yes?” Doctor Jones waited patiently, and Jasmine felt unbalanced by his solemn gaze.
“…What if he does pass? When will he be back?”
The pained expression on the handsome man’s face said it all. “I’m afraid, Mrs Bright, if he passes, he will not be allowed back till his twenty first year. Training and discipline must be strict for accepted candidates.”
Tears finally spilt down her cheeks, fear clutching her mind and sending it into a crazed frenzy. She grabbed the doctor’s arm. “Please, he’s all we have. Don’t take him! I’ve changed my mind!” She practically screamed the last few words at the dismayed doctor, clinging to his arm. “Please…”
Dr Jones swallowed guiltily. “I’m sorry, ma’am, it has to be this way.”
Jasmine sobbed, letting go of the doctor’s arm and sinking to the floor. The synthesized wood grew foggy as tears ran unashamed down her face. Jasmine stuck the ball of her thumb in her mouth and bit hard against the agony crawling from the pit of her stomach, replacing it with sharp pain.
“Mummy?”
Jasmine felt a small hand on her shoulder, and closed her eyes against the tears.
“Mum, it’ll be okay. The lady will look after me. I will grow up to be a hero, just like you wanted.”
Jasmine didn’t answer, but swept her son tight against her chest. Tears fell into his hair, glistening before fading into damp patches, staining the fair hair a dusky and dappled brown.
After a few minutes, Dr Jones knelt, his eyes bright with emotion. “I am sorry. We must go.”
Jasmine sat in a daze as her son was taken from her, calling goodbyes as he was led out the door. She sat as the door closed, and the whine of the vehicle outside charging up came and faded as it pulled away. She sat, numb and thoughtless, as the door opened an hour later, and stayed silent and unseeing as her husband gathered her into his arms and lead her to the sofa.
The family was broken.
Last edited by Nutty on Thu Oct 02, 2008 5:48 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Thu Sep 25, 2008 11:28 am
Squall says...



Part 2.

Jasmine sighed, and reached for the child’s hand, which was promptly hidden under the table. Instead, she grabbed Ryan under the arms and hoisted him up to her level.


You confused me a bit here. Why reach for the child's hand if it's hidden beneath the table? Secondly, judging on the way it's described here, I don't think Jasmine can lift Ryan up unless she's behind him.

Ryan frowned, and stiffened in her arms.


Stiffened? I get what you mean, but it's so awkwardly phased. I suggest re-phrasing here.

He stayed tense and uncooperative as she set his feet on the cold tile floor, and refused to help to get undressed, forcing Jasmine to manipulate each limb out of their coverings respectively.


That's the proper spelling of "uncooperative". You might also want to rephrase "and refused to help to get undressed." Why not just say "and refused to get undressed?" It's much clearer in meaning.
You might also want to rephrase from "forcing" to "respectively." It sounds rather sterile and clunky in my opinion.

Ryan’s face transformed into a wide grin


Find another way to say this. I don't like the word "transformed" for an action that's not very significant.

Doctor Jones sighed


Careful, I saw you used "sighed" once before. Avoid repetition.

A mixture of relief and apprehension washed over Jasmine, and she opened the door.


Repetition of mixture.

woman with blonde hair and deep brown eyes


It annoys me that you would rather describe such trivial things like hair colour and eyes.

The last bit of the piece would have been more emotional for the reader if we have a better idea of how your society works. There isn't much to help the reader understand as to why such desperate measured are undertaken.

Overall impressions:

Hrmm, I kind of like where this is going. It has potential to be quite interesting for the reader. I think the characterisation of Ryan and Jasmine is too safe and simple. Ryan's character seems to be based on the range of expected behaviours for young children, but that's all. I think he's rather hollow as a character; there isn't any specific traits or aspects of Ryan that can help me distinguish Ryan further. I can only relate to Ryan to a generalisation of young children, not as a person. Jasmine is also disappointing. Though she does seem like a mother, there isn't much to go by to make her seem like a character. Her characterisation is limited to the idea of a typical housewife looking after the family. You did mention about her rough hands due to the intense work that she has to undergo. I would like to know more about that. Integrate it more with her character. Don't just mention it and expect it as characterisation. You have to integrate these specific details into the writing.

Your style is also quite bland in some places. A part of that is that you don't actually create any effects for the reader. It's just "she did that, he did this" sort of routine. At times, it's rather trivial that it bores the reader more than it engages them. I think you need to think harder about what you want your reader to feel. Do you want us to feel happy or sad? From what you've told me on PM, it seems quite a sad world, but there isn't much to go by. Your writing is based heavily on verbs that go nowhere, you need more than that to make this more engaging for the reader. I actually want a better scope of this world and how it has an influence on Ryan and Jasmine's lives.

Overall, it's OK, but I think it's time that you thought about this more seriously. Try expanding on the scope of your world. I think it will give the reader a much better idea of what's going on.

Andy.
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Thu Sep 25, 2008 7:35 pm
laura claridge says...



Water flowed constantly, disappearing into a mesh grill set into one end, to be filtered, cleansed heated and lightly scented before making its way to the opposite end, where a miniature waterfall flowed steadily into the eggshell blue tub. Soaps lined a small shelf, and shower jets were set in the walls.


i liked the imagery. The bath is pretty neat.

Other than some of the dialogue, i saw no problems with it. That's just things like when they say "I will" sometimes it could be shortened to "I'll". That's just me, but it sounds more natural when somebody's speaking.

Anyway, I now want more. ^__^
  





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Thu Oct 02, 2008 3:12 am
Clo says...



Hey Nutty! On to Part 2, yip!

A lot of the thoughts and perspective is from the four year old's point of view. I find this as strange while reading it because it's somewhat strange to read in a four year old's tone, no matter how smart he may be, and it's awkward for a reader to switch into that childish mindset. I think that you should focus most of the thought and perspective from the mother's point of view. I'm finding it hard to relate to her and get into her head when the thoughts are coming from the four year old. At this point in the story, I care more about her and not so much what a child thinks.

“No. We cannot let such a mind slip through."

I don't full perceive this. I know they just sort of went over how he is valuable to them, I'm not getting exactly sure why. I think you need to lengthen this part of the story - make it more obvious exactly what is going on with this child that these adults are focusing on.

Jasmine looked up sharply. The door was still vibrating from the knocks it withstood.
Annoyance flared in her eyes. Those damn prankster kids. Wait till they got to school. Then they would know discipline. She turned back to her movie. Entertainment was easy and free to all, and Jasmine had time to take advantage of it. The knocks came again, more urgent this time.

See, this I like. I like being in her head.
BUT
the setting for this part is confusing. Where exactly is she? I'm not sure from the get-go. You need to focus a little more on constructing a setting here.

Tears finally spilt down her cheeks, fear clutching her mind and sending it into a crazed frenzy. She grabbed the doctor’s arm. “Please, he’s all we have. Don’t take him! I’ve changed my mind!” She practically screamed the last few words at the dismayed doctor, clinging to his arm. “Please…

You need to build up to this emotion a little more. I found her a little bit more accepting than this, and now she's crying? Let us feel more of her emotion earlier on. So when we reach this scene, we're not so surprised by this outburst, this desperation.

It's interesting! I feel bad for Jasmine - I want to see more of her devastation though. I can't wait for the next part, I'm curious as to where Ryan will be going.

PM me with questions!

~ Clo
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