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A Higher Race



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Fri Sep 12, 2008 11:36 am
Nutty says...



Christchurch, 11 April, 2097

The blocks tumbled across the rug, spreading around the child’s plump thighs in casual disarray. Slowly the child looked up, his blue eyes wide as he watched his mother answer the door. Her face, tired but warm, contorted in surprise, her hand tightening on the doorknob. “H-Hello?”

The child heard an unfamiliar voice behind the plain, cheap door, and his frown deepened. It wasn’t Daddy home from work, so it was unlikely the unknown voice was going to bring him sweets. Suddenly disinterested, he turned back to his brightly colored blocks.
“Excuse me, Ma’am, but it is time.”
“Already?” The child’s mother blinked in surprise, then gave the stranger a genuine smile. “It is an honour, sir. He is right through here.”

Opening the door, she turned and gave her son a warm smile. She was a simple woman, plain by every meaning of the word. Her hair was limp and harshly cut, but thoroughly cleaned. Her hands spoke of years of labour, both in the industrial factories and as a housewife. Her eyes were a clear blue, and smiling, but strangely vacant. The child’s father shared the same eyes as his wife, though a pale green, as did their neighbors, and their friends.
“Ryan.”

The young boy looked up, studying his mother silently.
“Ryan, someone’s here to see you.” Ryan’s gaze flicked from his mother’s face and up to the figure standing in the door. His face was open and friendly, and his clothes, though much better quality then Ryan’s or his mother’s, were casual. His mouth twisted in a small grin, his dark eyes flashing in good humor. “I hear someone’s just turned four.”
Ryan nodded, his eyes dropping to the man’s pockets. Maybe that bulge was a packet of sweets. The stranger followed his gaze, and pulled an object out of his pocket.

“I see you’ve spotted my computer.” He turned it in his hands, crouching to show the boy the clear screen, tapping the tiny object in his palm. Suddenly an image flickered to life above the device, a miniature replica of the planet gently turning in the air. Ryan reached out and frowned as the image contorted, lights stretching across his tiny palm.
“Pretty, isn’t it?” The man’s voice was warm and soothing. “I’m Dr. Jones. Could you answer some things for me?”
Ryan turned and studied the man, and nodded slowly. He knew that doctors had lollipops.

“Can you tell me what colour this is?” Dr Jones tapped a block next to the child’s knee. Ryan glanced down, and then glared back at the man defiantly. “Blue.”
“Good. How many blocks do you have?”
Ryan frowned. Why did this man want to know? Did he want to keep them for himself? They were his blocks. Ryan stuck out his chin and didn’t answer.
“Ryan.” He raised his head and met his mother’s pleading gaze. “It’s okay honey. Answer the nice man.”
Ryan sighed and glanced around him. “Twenty. Four red, eight blue, five yellow and three green.”
Dr Jones raised his eyebrows and tapped something into his computer, muttering under his breath. “Numeric skills advanced for his age… clear diction…” He glanced back up at the boy. “Very clever young man. Now, can you tell me how this person is feeling?” The image of the earth was replaced by a human profile, red rimmed eyes glaring angrily at the small boy, wild twisted blonde hair sticking out at odd angles from her face, and her lips tight. Ryan studied her for a moment; he had seen holo-photos before; then studied the doctor. “She looks very angry with you. Did you take her blocks too?”

The man blinked and laughed, a genuine, easy sound. “No, I’m not here to take your blocks.” He turned to the boy’s mother. “Remarkable young boy you have here.”
Ryan watched his mother’s face light up. “Is he eligible?” Her voice danced with suppressed hope.
“It seems he might well be. We will be studying him the next few days, but his chances look good…”
Ryan’s mother beamed with pride, tears falling freely off her cheeks. “Thank you, thank you… so, so much.” She swept her son into a tight hug, murmuring into his sandy locks. “Just wait till your daddy hears, Ryan, his son… a governor.”
Ryan frowned slightly, and sucked on his bottom lip, watching the strange doctor. He hadn’t moved, just stood there with a polite smile on his face as he watched the scene unfold. Ryan didn’t know what his mum was so happy about, but didn’t know if he liked this new man. He hadn’t even given him a lollipop.



---------



“What’s for dinner tonight, Jasmine?” Ryan’s father stretched, brushing dust off his uniform. He worked down the nearest cement works, and often came home a freakish off-white, disguising tough leathery skin developed from years spent mostly outdoors. Most manual jobs were done by machinery these days, but even machines needed engineers to fix and supervise, and the cement works got no less dusty.
Jasmine, Ryan’s mother, looked up and gave her husband a warm smile. “I will have to check the computer.”
Dale nodded, and bent to pick up his son, throwing him into the air. Ryan screamed with delight, his eyes bright with laughter as he landed safely back in his father’s arms.
“Have you had a good day, my son?” Dale planted a dusty kiss on the child’s smooth forehead, leaving a grey mark clinging to pink skin. Ryan nodded, wrapping his arms around his father’s neck. “Love yooou Daddy.”
“I love you too Ryan.” Dale tore his eyes off his young son, stepping towards his wife. Jasmine tapped a screen, about the size of a small book, set into the wall. Next to it was what looked like a small oven, but really was an outlet. Three meals were sent to each household per day, through a system of conveyer belts and sterilized chutes. The display that Jasmine was studying informed the public what they were eating that night. She turned and smiled, tapping the glass door absently. “Pasta, tonight. They said that meat was being cut back, since the ‘flu went around the livestock.”
Dale nodded wisely. “I heard, from a governor no less, that it was sabotage. I’m a simple man,” he tapped his forehead with his free hand, “but that sounds downright dangerous to me.”
Jasmine nodded, her eyes landing on Ryan, silently studying his father from the comfort of his arms. “A governor came here today.”
Dale frowned. “Oh? I don’t really like getting too personal with a governor. I mean, life sure got better when they took over, but they spook me. Somethin’ ‘bout their eyes, I think. Too bright, if you know what I mean. Like Ryan here.” He turned and studied his son. “Boy, I love you and all, but sometimes you give me the willies.”
Ryan didn’t reply, gazing steadily at his father.

Jasmine cleared her throat. “That’s just it, Dale. He said our Ryan could be Eligible.”
Dale’s eyes widened. “What? Our Ryan?” He shot a look at Jasmine, trying to determine whether she was joking. “Our Ryan?” He repeated, looking back at his son as if he had suddenly grown an extra head.
“Yes, it was his check-up today. He did well, and the doctor said they would be studying him for the next week.” Involuntarily, she glanced around the clean, white room. Everyone knew there were cameras, ever since childhood. But it was easy to forget you were being studied.
Dale frowned at Ryan, then exclaimed, “geez boy, I knew you were bright, but I didn’t know you were that bright!”
Ryan yawned, and frowned back at his father in a tiny mirror image. “Doctor didn’t have any lollipops.”
Dale looked horrified. “He didn’t? Now that’s just rude. But, tell you what, have a look in Daddy’s pocket.”
Jasmine smiled as her son’s face broke into a delighted grin as he hunted through his father’s many pockets, searching for a treat.

We may be simple, but we’re a family, she thought. What would become of that, if he is accepted?
Last edited by Nutty on Sun Sep 14, 2008 8:33 am, edited 3 times in total.
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Fri Sep 12, 2008 7:34 pm
Stori says...



Well, that's interesting.

The stranger followed his gaze, and pulled an object out of his pocket.


I think, and it's just a suggestion, that you should start a new paragraph there.

gently turning slowly in the air


Get rid of one of those adjectives; they both suggest a slow motion.

she thought,


Full stop there.

Dale frowned at Ryan, then exclaimed.


That period should be a comma. That's about all the grammatical stuff. Overall, it's very interesting. Makes me think of "The Giver."
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Fri Sep 12, 2008 11:54 pm
Bickazer says...



Very, very interesting concept you've got here--the world you've painted is believable and intriguing, and I for one can't wait to see more. I love your characterization of Ryan (he's so cuuuute! I just wanna give him a hug), and it pleases me because it seems quite accurate for a four-year-old (I should know; not long ago my little brother was four. He's a little more hyper than Ryan). I particularly love how all his thoughts seem to center around sweets. He's a smart little boy, but in the end he's just a little boy, and you showed it in a brilliant way. I also like the POV you used...it IS Ryan's POV, but it's not so limiting that we only see things through a four-year-old's eyes. I can't explain it, but...it was very effective.

The world does seem to be a tad stereotypical for science fiction, but the way you've presented is interesting enough, and I do want to find out more. I appreciate how you dove straight into the world, instead of introducing us with an infodump, even though that would've been easier. It makes the reader really feel like they're part of this world, and that this is happening right here right now--much more effective than just trying to dump buckets of information on the reader's head. In particular, I want to know more about the society's social stratification, because it does seem to factor in a HUGE way into the society in general. I'm sure you'll touch on this in later chapters, though.

Honestly, I have to say you've touched a soft spot in me because this is what I LOVE: The social conditions of a society, not the technology or government or whatever. Most science fiction tends to lean towards the technology/government side of future societies, so it's neat that you seem to be leaning more to a social/daily life angle. :)

Now, on to a few specific critiques--

The blocks tumbled across the rug, spreading around the child’s plump thighs in casual disarray.


Very good opening sentence--it's descriptive without being wordy, and I can definitely see this happening.

The child’s father shared the same eyes as his wife, though a pale green, as did their neighbors, and their friends.


Hmm, seems like an interesting tidbit. I want to know why--seems to factor into the social stratification thing, doesn't it?

His face was open and friendly, and his clothes, though much better quality then Ryan’s or his mother’s, were casual. His mouth was twisted in a small grin, his dark eyes flashing in good humor.


You use a lot of "to be" verbs here--"his face was", "his clothes were", etc. There's nothing technically wrong with that construction, but it gets somewhat monotonous after a while. Try to describe the man's appearance in a more unique way.

Ryan turned and studied the man, and nodded slowly. He knew that doctors had lollipops.


Awww! How cute! :D Love this touch.

They were his blocks.


I think that "his" should be italicized for emphasis.

“It’s okay honey.


There should be a comma between "okay" and honey".

Her voice danced with suppressed hope.


I don't know about this; I feel that "danced" isn't the right verb here. "Dance" kind of implies a more light and carefree state, which I don't think you're aiming for. "Rang", "was taught"...basically, any more tense verb would work better.

“What’s for dinner tonight, Jasmine?” Ryan’s father stretched, brushing dust off his uniform.


Whoa, uh...is there supposed to be a scene break here? Because otherwise it doesn't make much sense...try putting a few asterisks or dashes or something to separate the scenes.

A lot of manual jobs were done by machinery these days


I was liking your description of the husband and his job up until the "A lot". "A lot" just seems...somewhat immature and colloquial. It'd be better rendered as "Many".

Jasmine was tapping a screen, about the size of a small book, set into the wall. Next to it was what looked like a small oven, but really was an outlet.


Two things I noticed. First of all, there go the "to be" verbs again--"Jasime was", "really was", etc. As said before, the repetition of "to be" verbs gets a dull after a while, and in most cases you can replace them with stronger, more active verbs. For example, try "Jasmine tapped a screen"--not only is it more active, but it's less verbose as well.

The other problem I had was the..."what looked like a small oven, but really was an outlet" line...I'm not quite sure what about that line rubs me the wrong way. It just seems...well, there are probably better ways to state the same thing. Ugh, sorry, but I can't exactly pin down what I don't like about that line. >_> Yeah, I'm a useful critiquer, aren't I?

He repeated, looking back at his son as if he was seeing him for the first time.


I can see what you're aiming for, but this is a bit of a cliche. It's been so overused that by now it's lost most of its impact, so...I'm just not feeling the gravity of this scene the way I'm supposed to. If that makes sense. Try for a more vivid and original way to describe the trepidation Ryan's dad is feeling.

Jasmine smiled as her son’s face broke into a delighted grin as he hunted through his father’s many pockets, searching for a treat.


Oh, I just love the way this scene ends, with a cute and happy family scene. It really does cement the point Jasmine makes in the next line, about what will happen to their family--you feel it because you see that these three are a close, loving family. A job well done. :)

One final thing I noticed--you seem to overuse adverbs. I understand because I'm an adverb abuser myself, but I'm trying to fix that. In any event, most adverbs are weak and don't add anything meaningful to your prose--try to excise as many as you can and replace them with more active, descriptive adjectives and verbs. I'm realistic so I know some are necessary, but most, you'll find, aren't.

Good job--I liked this a lot! I'll definitely be back for more. :)
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Sat Sep 13, 2008 2:25 am
Tamora says...



Hey!!

I've already talked to you about the start, and the setting, so I don't need to go there. The second half...

Bickazer had alot of good points, most of which I would agree with especially:
Quote:
Jasmine was tapping a screen, about the size of a small book, set into the wall. Next to it was what looked like a small oven, but really was an outlet.
Two things I noticed. First of all, there go the "to be" verbs again--"Jasime was", "really was", etc. As said before, the repetition of "to be" verbs gets a dull after a while, and in most cases you can replace them with stronger, more active verbs. For example, try "Jasmine tapped a screen"--not only is it more active, but it's less verbose as well.

The other problem I had was the..."what looked like a small oven, but really was an outlet" line...I'm not quite sure what about that line rubs me the wrong way. It just seems...well, there are probably better ways to state the same thing. Ugh, sorry, but I can't exactly pin down what I don't like about that line. >_> Yeah, I'm a useful critiquer, aren't I?
This also annoyed me, I'm not sure why either. One of the reasons was the fact that you've got "really was" instead of "was really" But even with that I don't like that phrasing.

Quote:
The child’s father shared the same eyes as his wife, though a pale green, as did their neighbors, and their friends.


Hmm, seems like an interesting tidbit. I want to know why--seems to factor into the social stratification thing, doesn't it?
I love this eyes thing, and the fact that you've put just this little hint here and then further explained it later gives it depth. I agree with Bickazer's point of wanting to know more., and then, thankfully, you appease our desire by talking about it later, but it isn't an infodump! Yay!

I appreciate how you dove straight into the world, instead of introducing us with an infodump, even though that would've been easier.
:lol: lol, you've achieved what you wanted to achieve!

“Oh? I don’t really like getting to personal with a governor.
should be "too personal". Just a little grammar. Something that wasn't picked up on by the others. Unfortunately that sort of thing just stands out to me, so you need to make sure you don't give me a reason to pick on you. :D

...childhood. But it was easy...
should be a commor or semi-colon, I'm not quite sure which. Never start a sentance with "but"

Overall: I love the ending, it just concludes the whole feeling of a child's view of family life, and gives it sweet ending, (shock horror. You're being sweet???!!! lol). The child's view is very well done, and I really like it, you've pulled it off with strong empathy and still kept the reader understanding what is happening.

Amazing as it may sound, I actually like reading your style now that you've developed it. You're really getting a sense of how to make it enjoyable as well as descriptive and developed.
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Thu Sep 18, 2008 9:06 am
Squall says...



Hello Chey.

The blocks tumbled across the rug, spreading around the child’s plump thighs in casual disarray.


I think it would be better if you had said "toys". I was a bit confused when I saw that sentence for the first time due to the word "blocks" since it has multiple meanings.

Her hands spoke of years of labour, both in the industrial factories and as a housewife.


Show, don't tell. Give us the impression that she worked in the industrial factories through characterisation conventions. It would make that idea much more powerful.

Her eyes were a clear blue, and smiling, but strangely vacant. The child’s father shared the same eyes as his wife, though a pale green, as did their neighbors, and their friends.


You just wasted two sentences on something that is irrelevant. It doesn't drive the story forward nor dos it have any significance to the plot. Why do we need to know that her eyes were pale green?

His face was open and friendly, and his clothes, though much better quality then Ryan’s or his mother’s, were casual.


Casual how?

Why did this man want to know? Did he want to keep them for himself?


I don't think asking rhetorical questions does much in building emphasis and suspense on the blocks. I think that if you had shown more of the setting and use techniques to make Dr Jones seem more intimidating, then that would be more effective.

“She looks very angry with you. Did you take her blocks too?”


Good piece of dialogue. It really helps show Ryan's age and innocence.

We may be simple, but we’re a family, she thought. What would become of that, if he is accepted?


This would have been more effective if there were more hints and foreshadowing leading up to this. It seems to just randomly pop itself at the end.

Overall impressions:

It's pretty ok. One of your better pieces Chey. You did a good job creating a realistic family situation in the society (even though it seemed a bit dry). The dialogue works well in portraying characters and in moving the plot forward. I like the ideas to Ryan's character, but I think there can be room for improvement as he isn't really that deep of a character to be honest.

I think that you placed too much effort on revealing the fact that Ryan's accepted rather than making what you have in the piece relevant and integrated. Firstly, what was their home like? I couldn't picture it that well. There wasn't any key sentences or words that allowed me to picture that. Setting is also one of the conventions used to characterise characters. Where a family/person lives gives the reader the impression of what they are like.

Secondly, I think the whole "blocks/idea" never really gets past first base. I mean it's cute, but very simplistic at the same time. Personally, I think the whole "blocks" thing is more than just an older person taking away the kids block. It actually paints the scene of a bully taking away its victim's possessions. Think along the lines of a person's childhood (preschool). If a person takes another person's block away, then problems occur. Who normally starts conflicts in the playground/school? Bullies right? What do we typically associate bullies with? Selfishness, power, insecure about themselves, immaturity etc etc.

Yet, the above is almost non existent in the piece. The doctor didn't had that "bully" kind of feel to him to really merit that whole "blocks situation". This would have been a good time to characterize Ryan or the doctor further. Why does Ryan think that way about the doctor? What suggests this? What about the doctor himself. Point is that I think it would work much better if you had established this child-like conflict between a child and a "bully".

You also need to go more into the mother's thoughts. The last sentence didn't work for me that because the mother doesn't seemed at all concerned. This would also go nicely with the doctor. I mean, there must be some negative thoughts that the mother has with the doctor, it can't all be positive. I mean won't you get nervous if a person comes to your house to test you and could ultimately decide your fate? I would.

Have a think about these ideas that I've wrote down here. But overall, good work Chey. I think I'll read the next part to see where this is going.

Andy.
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Thu Sep 25, 2008 1:33 am
laura claridge says...



“It is an honour, sir. He is right through here.”


I'm assuming she's speaking proper because of who he is, but saying "He is" and "It is" sounds weird to me when you say it aloud. Maybe "He's" or "It's"? But if she's just being ultra polite, what you have is fine.

“Pretty, isn’t it?” The man’s voice was warm and soothing. “I’m Dr. Jones. Could you answer some things for me?”


"answer some questions for me" instead maybe? Things sounds vague, questions sounds like he's not talking down to the kid as much.

Jasmine, Ryan’s mother, looked up and gave her husband a warm smile. “I will have to check the computer.”


again with the "I will". She's talking to her husband, so maybe "I'll"?

I really liked this, I want to see where it goes, so you should update soon. And I'm gonna bug you until you do. ^__^

PS loved the kid. He's awesome
  





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Thu Oct 02, 2008 2:23 am
Clo says...



Hey Nutty! Here to do my duty and review! *salute*

The blocks tumbled across the rug, spreading around the child’s plump thighs in casual disarray. Slowly the child looked up, his blue eyes wide as he watched his mother answer the door. Her face, tired but warm, contorted in surprise, her hand tightening on the doorknob. “H-Hello?

Nice intro. Though, I really don't like the "Hello" at the end of the paragraph. It feels strange to have such a short phrase just hanging there like that. I think it should be it's own paragraph.

The child heard an unfamiliar voice behind the plain, cheap door, and his frown deepened. It wasn’t Daddy home from work, so it was unlikely the unknown voice was going to bring him sweets. Suddenly disinterested, he turned back to his brightly colored blocks.

"Plain, cheap door" - this is telling, and I recommend some showing with the description to keep the reader's attention. How is the door plain? How is it cheap? Detail these.
You also have a lot of "un" words in there. Try to mix up the words a little, possibly? It's not a big deal.

She was a simple woman, plain by every meaning of the word. Her hair was limp and harshly cut, but thoroughly cleaned

You've already used the word plain to describe something recently. Mix up the words a little.

He hadn’t even given him a lollipop[/quote
Hehe. I like the tone.

Dale frowned at Ryan, then exclaimed, “geez boy, I knew you were bright, but I didn’t know you were that bright!”

His reaction, considering what he had said, seems sort of immature and a little too forced. I would suggest more hesitance, more thought into this. And "Geez", capitalized.

Overall: It was certainly an interesting concept. I wonder what the Governors do? And why the eyes are like that? So my curiosity is snagged. But I'd like to know a bit more about the mother and father. They seem like very shallow characters right now, and I just want to get more into their head and their history.

I hope this review is helpful! PM with questions!

~ Clo
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