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Young Writers Society


The Ill



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Reviews: 11
Mon Jul 28, 2008 7:53 am
Ka Seven says...



It was a particularly chilly day, much due to the sun being blocked out by the plumes of smoke; Ann Stark was lost in her thoughts. She was thinking of the last sound she had heard that was not made by her party. It was about a week previous when she heard the distant but loud dull thuds of some sort of explosives, and from atop her makeshift home had seen a tallish house topple in the distance. She could only assume it was a group suicide, as many of those had occurred in the months following the initial spread of the plague.
Alan Steele climbed through the choir room window of Ogden High School and crossed the expanse of the roof carrying two cans of chicken noodle soup, a few crackers, and some spoons. He handed one can to Ann, pulling her from her daydream.
“Thanks.” She said
“See anything new?” asked Alan. Ogden, Utah was a disaster area; the buildings and houses nearby had all been torn apart by various mobs or survivors rummaging through for anything and everything they may have use for.
“Nah… same old shit.” She replied as she crumbled her crackers into her soup. “It’s like we’re the only living people in the whole damned city” she added after a moment.
“Well we can’t be sure until we’ve looked.” He said as he glanced up at the black smoke clouds still looming heavily overhead and shading the entire city.
“Only problem there is we’re all too pussy to look until we’re sure.” Ann said with a laugh
“Ha!” He exclaimed “Better pussy and alive than brave and dead!”
“I don’t know Alan… sometimes death is a comforting thought.” said Ann with a listless glance.
He slurped a spoonful of his soup and replied prophetically “so is seeing an end to all this.”
Ann gave a heavy sigh and nodded slowly then took a bite of her soup; it warmed her as it slipped into her throat.
“Death just seems so much easier.” She said with a hint of sadness in her voice
“Easy and right are almost never on the same team…” He replied sounding as comforting as possible. “Look, Ann, humanity survived through an ice age, the black plague, and countless wars. Our race hasn’t come this far just to fail now. We have to stretch what little hope we can find or the bad times will get the best of us. We all need each other to win, whatever winning may be.”
They sat for a minute and listened to the empty wind and ate. They looked out on the roads and buildings which had an ever increasing amount of plant life growing upon them.
“So what do you think?” Alan asked with a nudge of his elbow. “Are you with us?”
She took a deep breath of the musty air that smelled of decomposing animals. “Yeah… If I have to be.” She replied.
Alan accepted that answer knowing not to push any further. He knew she was thinking about her son who hadn’t made it during the party’s sixteen block move from their week long hold up at Smith’s Food and Drug to Ogden High School about a month ago. He was only ten years old and one of The Ill was able to run him down and attack him about twenty yards before they made it inside the school. Ann had to be dragged the rest of the way and was forced to see and hear the ill consume her one and only son. For a couple weeks she barely ate, barely slept, and barely talked. She realized she wasn’t the only one, who had lost everything, even though she felt like it sometimes but everyone understood and helped her to pull through.
They sat in silence and finished the rest of their meal. Alan then stood up and began walking back inside. He called back and said “We’re all finishing reinforcements for the east side tonight if you care to join in.”
“I’m just gonna sit awhile longer.” She replied still scanning the dilapidated city.
“Alright.” He said as he crawled through the window.
Outside in the city’s dead state sound was rare and even rarer were pleasant sounds. Anyone listening would have more than welcomed the sound of rushing traffic or blasting radios, but these noises that were once upon a time so easily come by were now never heard. Inside the school however the sounds of drills, hammers, and saws echoed through the empty halls.
Alan walked through the large choir room which now, instead of a bunch of music stands and a piano, consisted of all the weaponry the party had found or objects that could be used as such. It also had, in the back of it, a large pile of wood and some sheets of metal which was to be used on reinforcing the doors and windows of the High School. He walked past a case of alcohol and a pile of rags on the floor, around a pile of all the schools fire extinguishers, two axes laid against the farthest wall from him, and a surprisingly large amount of metal pipes they had gathered from the auto shop building across the parking lot from Ogden High School were piled against the same wall.
Alan walked out the door of the choir room into the large marble hall. The brick walls and old tile floor were accented with many wonderful designs and plaques. The school had an old time, almost castle like feel to it. Not only was the architecture lovely, but the school was built up, rather than out, adding to the castle effect. It was three stories high and had a basement and was like a big square. He descended two flights of stairs and came out into what used to be the senior hall on the first floor of the school. He then traveled down the hall, toward the south, and took a left entering a short sub-hallway that led to the east side doors on the south side of the building.
“How’s Ann?” asked Sarah Johns, a 20 year old college student, being of African descent and having a light brown tone to her skin.
“Not too good, not too bad.” Alan said “I don’t think we can expect much from her today though.”
“Nothing we haven’t dealt with before.” Said Paul Rodriguez, the only gun the party had was around his waist, with two clips making up twenty rounds. He was elected the gunman because he had military training. “Besides, I’m the only one who works anyway!” He said jokingly, the group laughed at that.
“Yeah! If telling us two what to do counts as work.” Harry Draper shot back pointing to Chris Frandsen and himself. The two had attended the local university together.
“You’re all wrong!” argued Sarah. “The Doc’s doin’ all the work.” She said gesturing toward Tanya Brown, the only doctor in the group, and the only one nailing a board to the door.
“Well, hell, someone’s gotta do it Sarah.” She replied. “And anyway I think we’re done here, that was the last board and there must be at least three layers of wood and one of metal over this damn door.”
“Yeah, nothing short of a tank will be gettin’ through all this.” Added Paul.
“Great! Let’s celebrate!” Harry said excitedly.
“Alright Draper, you wanna go buy the booz?” Said Paul.
“Who said anything about booz? I’m talking about these.” Harry produced a box with ten Cohiba Esplendidos.
“What the hell?! Harry! How long you been holdin’ out on us man?!” Chris asked excitedly. Chris and Harry were self-proclaimed cigar aficionados, and Harry had just pulled out what most cigar smokers revered as the best cigars ever made. Once upon a time they were made only for Fidel Castro. These were the best Cubans money could buy.
“The owner of the smoke shop was less than attentive during the panic those few months ago, I was able to fill a compartment of my backpack with the only ten Cubans the smoke shop had and a carton of cigarettes.” He explained with a smug look on his face. “And I’ve been saving it all for the day when we’re all safe again… and I’m willing to say that today counts.”
“Cigars are bad for your health.” Warned Doc. “But great for your soul.” She added smiling. “Gimme one of those.”
Harry passed them out one by one receiving generic “thank you’s” he then pulled a cigar cutter from his pocket clipped his cigar and began passing the clipper around. “I’ve got matches in my bag.” He announced as they all began shuffling away from the door into the main hallway of the school.
“What say we go out on the roof and smoke with Ann.” Alan insisted. “She could use the company.”
“Yeah, and the cigar.” Added Sarah.
They walked up the two flights of stairs and walked through the choir room and over to the window, Alan carried Ann’s cigar. “Hey, Ann.” He called as he began crawling through the window. “Boy are you in for a…” He stopped. Ann wasn’t there.
“Where is she?” asked Harry.
“Ann!” Alan Called loudly and receiving no reply.
“Dammit… Let’s just smoke them, she’s probably sleeping somewhere, she does like being alone.” Chris said. “Besides, where could she go? She’s stuck here anyway.” He added.
“Yeah, Chris is right, I’m sure she’s just sleeping or something.” Said Paul. “Let’s smoke.”
They all crawled through the window and walked out to sit down near the edge of the roof so they could look out across the city which, even in its torn state, still had an amount of beauty to it in the orange glow of the sunset. They began lighting up cigars but Alan stayed back, he worried for Ann. He knew she wasn’t well emotionally, and being the psychologist he was yearned to help her.
“I’m gonna go find her, just for mind rest’s sake.” Alan announced.
“Alright” the group said almost in unison as they were wrapped up in smoking their cigars and probably didn’t really hear what he said.
Alan crawled back through the window, walked out of the choir room and began walking down the hall. He called her name several times with no success. Most of the schools rooms were locked shut, and he began systematically checking each of the rooms that were open. He quickly finished searching the third and second floors, as there were not many doors open, and he descended to the main floor. The school was eerie when inside of it alone. He didn’t mind though, he knew they had done an excellent job boarding everything off. He checked the main office the auditorium and every open class room still finding nothing. He went down another flight of stairs into the basement. He went through all the motions again, checking the gym, the lunchroom, and once again every class room.
“Dammit. Where could she be?” He said to himself.
Alan continued searching for Ann while out on the roof the rest of the group were thoroughly enjoying their cigars.
“Thank god for Castro man.” Paul joked, the group laughed in unison.
“The guy had undeniable good taste.” Observed Sarah. “Alan’s really missing out.”
They sat for several minutes in silence rolling the smoke in their mouths. They all thought of their separate problems or ideas and thanked the heavens for the first luxury they had had in months. The moment felt great, they all wished it would just last forever. But just as soon as it started, it ended.
Doc noticed that Ann’s shoes were discarded by the railing that surrounded the edge of the whole roof.
“What are Ann’s shoes doing here?” she inquired
“What?” asked Paul.
“Ann’s shoes are right there.” She pointed to them. The whole group looked and they were all confused by it.
Just as this happened Alan appeared at the window and began crawling through.
“Hey, guys, I can’t find her anywhere.” He said. “I’m a little worried.”
He approached the dumbfounded group and was startled to see what they were looking at.
“Why would she take of her shoes?” asked Chris.
“Maybe they were uncomfortable,” answered Sarah. “They are high heeled flip-flops. She’s probably gotten sick of wearing them for so long.”
“Oh my god…” He sounded horrified. The whole group looked back at Alan.

--End Chapter one
Last edited by Ka Seven on Thu Jul 31, 2008 3:04 am, edited 2 times in total.
"Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities" -Voltaire
  





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Mon Jul 28, 2008 9:06 am
Rubric says...



city except some breaks in the clouds


except *for* some

growing upon them

grammatically correct, but *on* sounds better than *upon*

was a smell like that of sweat

in my opinion simile's are good, but metaphors are better. "was a smell of sweat" has a better ring to it.

It reeks so badly

shift in tense. *reeked* rather than *reeks*

And in the city’s gloomy state sound was rarely heard and even rarer were pleasant sounds


"rarely heard" could simply be changed to "rare"

It was about a week previous when she heard the distant but loud dull thuds of some sort of explosives, and from atop her home as of yet had seen a tallish house topple in the distance, she could only assume it was a group suicide, as many of those had happened in the months following the initial spread of the plague.


The sentence is too long. I would advise a full stop between "distance" and "she".

For a couple weeks

"For a couple *of* weeks"

“We’re all finishing reinforcements for the east side tonight if you care to join in.”

I'm not sure what this means so I can't for the life of me tell you how to fix this. It makes no sense to me though.

It looks good, it read well enough, but there's an undeniable "zombie" vibe to it all. Good luck.

Rubric
So you're going to kill a god. Sure. But what happens next?

Diary of a Deicide, Part One.


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Tue Jul 29, 2008 12:30 am
Clo says...



Hey Ka Seven! Welcome to YWS.

First off: the first paragraph is much too long. At the very beginning of a story, such a text wall is deterring to readers. And even anywhere in the story, it's better to not have such a huge paragraph. This is what most would call an "info dump". There is just way too much information chucked upon the reader very fast, all condensed into an upsettingingly large paragraph. You need to break this up into new paragraphs, at points where you start new descriptions or ideas.

And secondly: The first paragraph is all telling. You tell us "this was that, and that was this". You need to show us. You need to create an imagary that just unfolds. Here's what I suggest: try rewriting the first paragraph (or paragraphs, if you follow my other suggestion) without using any forms of the word "be". This includes was, are, were, and the like. You can use it once or twice - but if you try this, you'll find your writing will look much more clean and showy.

and from atop her home as of yet had seen a tallish house topple in the distance

This is a confusing sentence. I'm still not sure what you're trying to say here.

“Well we can’t be sure until we’ve looked.” Said Alan
“Only problem there is we’re all too pussy to look until we’re sure.” Ann said with a laugh
“Ha!” exclaimed Alan “Better pussy and alive than brave and dead!”
“I don’t know Alan… sometimes death is a comforting thought.” said Ann with a listless glance.

You only have two characters here... a male and a female. You're not going to confuse the readers if you "she" or "he", because there are no other she's or he's. And reading a name over and over again gets tiresome. Try replacing their names with a "she" or "he" here and there.

but she felt like it sometime and everyone understood exactly how she felt.

You say felt twice here. Nix one, rewrite it so you don't have it like that.

Okay, you need to work on a few things, as seen. Here's some pluses.

+ interesting plot. I love post-apocalyptic storylines - they're one of my favorites
+ interesting beginning. Hearing noises - mass suicide! whoa.
+ interesting characters. She lost her son. A lot'll come out of the aftermath.

PM me if you have any questions!

~ Clo
How am I not myself?
  





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Wed Jul 30, 2008 6:20 pm
onceuponatim3xo says...



It was a particularly chilly day, much due to the sun being blocked out by the plumes of smoke; Ann Stark was lost in her thoughts.


Nix the semi-colon and put a period, unless Ann Stark was creating the plumes of smoke by her thoughts.


“Nah… same old shit.” She replied as she crumbled her crackers into her soup.

“It’s like we’re the only living people in the whole damned city” she added after a moment.


This should be the same paragraph because the same person is talking in both.

“Well we can’t be sure until we’ve looked.” He said as he looked up at the black smoke clouds still looming heavily overhead and shading the entire city.


Looked is repeated twice, for the second one maybe put "glanced" instead.

We have to stretch what little hope we can find or the bad times [s]well[/s] will get the best of us. We all need each other to win, whatever winning may be.”



In the city’s dead state sound was rare and even rarer were pleasant sounds. Anyone listening to the sounds of the city would have more than welcomed the sound of rushing traffic or blasting radios, but these sounds that were once upon a time so easily come by were now never heard.


In this paragraph you use the word "sound" a lot, try to cut down on using it.

Good job with this, you have great descriptions and it flows very well.

~Onceuponatim3xo
It is better to travel well than to arrive.
-Buddha
  





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Wed Jul 30, 2008 9:38 pm
chaplin90 says...



Hi,

I've got to tell you I really enjoyed reading this story, your descriptions of post apocalyptic earth are both chilling and realistic, in fact the whole story was very realistic. I am always fascinated by apocalyptic ideas and stories and your was another great one I have read. The only criticism I have is that "the Ill" and most of the story sound a little bit Remeroish but that's OK I think so to be honest I'm finding it hard to fault this piece but remember I'm very new so don't take this reviews as defiant but I know you won't, I look forward to reading more of your work sir. well done!
the work of Charlie Chaplin
  





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Wed Aug 13, 2008 1:36 pm
Titch123 says...



Firstly i really enjoyed reading this story and look forward to seeing how it pans out further on in the story. It began very well and really drew me into the story and it also ended very well and in the right place to leave the reader wanting more, it can be very easy to continue to far as you get into writing a story.
Just a few small things i noticed

“Only problem there is we’re all too pussy to look until we’re sure.” Ann said with a laugh

to me 'pussy' is not a word an adult would use (but that might be because i am english and its not a word we use)

Ann gave a heavy sigh and nodded slowly then took a bite of her soup; it warmed her as it slipped into her throat.

Do you bite soup?- maybe sipped or ate might be a better word to use


She took a deep breath of the musty air that smelled of decomposing animals.

This line i really liked it has a great imagery in it- very well done



He said jokingly, the group laughed at that.

this sentence doesnt flow very well- the sentence structure does seem right

The last thing is maybe you could include more about 'The Ill' and Ann and her son- but im thinking i might have to wait for that awhile

Keep up the good work and i look forward to seeing how the story progresses
  








Irrigation of the land with seawater desalinated by fusion power is ancient. It's called 'rain'.
— Michael McClary